Our new family member

I'm slightly stressed tonight.

We might as well have had another baby.

Corey brought home a puppy tonight.

It has been Justine's dream FOREVER. Right now she is sleeping with the puppy and vowing to take care of it.

We all know how that goes and who the real responsibility lies upon.

He is cute and I have been wanting a puppy.

But I am concerned about the breed. He is a Border Collie. I know they are supposed to be very smart. But all the "google" research talks about is their nippy herding instinct, how smart they are they get bored and destructive, and how active they must be. How uncuddly they are. We actually had a work dog once. He herded people. It didn't end well.

I don't need a dog that is high stress. I am just concerned if this is the right breed for our family. I take owning a dog very seriously. I just wasn't ready for this type of commitment.

Corey grew up with Border Collies and never met one he didn't like. I don't know what to think. Anyone have any experience with one as a family dog? I want to be excited...but?

Here are some pictures of him. I feel bad for not being so excited. We are tossing around names. I am insisting (as usual) that he needs a person name. We are talking about Chandler or Ashton. I think for whatever reason Justine and I get to decide. Yay. I really want Zander.

My friend noticed he has  a heart nose. Aww.

Kate needed to go to bed desperately. She kept crying if he didn't kiss her or lay her head by her... etc, etc, Sheesh!

He was exhausted!

I don't know who the heck I am!

So.....

I really want this. I don't know why. I find it awesomely COOL! He's huge!!!!!! I remember standing in line for star wars as a kid. And I remember seeing him in real life. True story.

So, the other day I had to give my drivers license picture to someone. It is a picture of me at my heaviest. The lady told me she couldn't even tell it was me. She was so sweet to keep on congratulating me for my healthy change. 

Everyone ALWAYS wants to know what I have done. When I say therapy the reaction always amuses me. Now that I am where I am at it is so simple for me to see that my weight was not really about food and it is NOT a shock that therapy was the first step in losing weight. Oprah always said you have to figure out "why" you were eating. I never believed her. I thought it was just because food was good.

"Group" wanted to see the picture. Reluctantly I let them. Kristopher looked at it for a long time. He said it was a "before" picture. Here...I'll show you. I wasn't going to but I will.

I told group I keep the picture face down in my wallet because I don't want to look at it. They felt like I should be proud and happy that I am not that person anymore and that it is okay to look at it.

But I don't want to. I still feel sad for that girl. Sad that she lived like that for so very long. Sad that she was so extremely trapped. Sad that she had no way out. Sad that she was uncomfortable in her own skin for so terrible long.

Corey was going through some old videos and found one of me extremely heavy. I literally looked like I was buried in my body of fat. Like just a tiny glimmer of me was there and the rest was fat. Hurts.

I am happy that I am changing. But I am hurt for who I was. I feel sad for her. But the weird thing was, at the time I was still happy. I still liked myself. I still tried to do everything with my kids. I just have a better understanding of myself now. And I am freer. And I feel like I have a lot of life to live now. I don't feel trapped. I feel like I have a future and don't have to worry about getting diabetes. I still have 30 plus to lose. But from where I came I am thrilled.

One strange thing about losing weight, now I can wear different things. When you are heavy you are SO limited as to what you can wear. There just isn't a lot of choices. It is REALLY yucky. Really really. It's boring and I NEVER felt like me.

SO one thing I am going through with clothing is...Who am I? What do I like?

I don't know! I still think I am a bit Punky Brewsterish. I always loved her! I am ALWAYS waiting for Kristopher to call me out and say I dress like a kid. Recently he called me 16 so I am just waiting for him to say psychobabble about me wanting to dress like a kid. You know therapist. Lol. j/k. I love my therapist.

I bought this sweater from Target (in the youth section). I loved it! I like things that are a touch quirky.

And....I posted about this a LONG time ago....But I have always loved when I see girls in hats! I always want to wear one. It would be so out of my character that I don't know. But my character was trapped in obesity and I have no idea now what I might like.  What do you think? Can I pull it off?

Also one completely bizarre things for me is to see me have a skinny wrist and much thinner hands. I really love that part.

So I found this old post I had written about Kassidy. I decided "what the heck". I need to post it for my journal.

Funny new realization about Kassidy

Turns out she is perfectly capable of making the "right" choice without my help. Lol.

So Kassidy keeps asking me things like...."Can I sleep over at Beccas?" On a school night. Ummmm no. But lately I am just like whatever. Your 18. Your in charge of your own life. You basically manage it very well. So you can choose whatever choice you want to deal with. Like being exhausted for school.

And whenever I do that.....she makes the best choice! It has amused me.

So the other night she wanted to sleep over at Beccas (which has yet to even happen once, ha ha) and miss Seminary. You know, since she graduated already and all. (They still have a week left).

I told her I didn't think that she should miss seminary. She tried to finagle with me a bit over it. I finally just said "It's up to you. If you think it is the right choice than whatever. I don't care. Its your life." Do you want to know the miraculousness of being able to let it go? To not feel the burden of all their decisions? To know that it is okay for them to make some choices that may even be not the best? It's okay! That is them learning! I don't have to force them. It's a great relief.

So then she gets slightly frustrated that I won't just tell her what to do. "How am I going to go off on my own if I can't ask you what to do all the time!" (Slight concern that I should have been letting her make her own choices WAY sooner)

I tell her that I have taught her how to make the correct choices and so she knows how to do it just fine.

I really think the point is she wanted to argue her point about why she should get to spend the night and miss seminary.

And when I left it up to her she has no one to argue with and she already knows what she should do so the discussion was over.

It cracked me up! Had I known it was only so simple years ago.

A few hours later, before even 10pm, her friend had left and she was in her pajamas eating the new "Apprentice" ice cream with us.

I love these kids!

Not going to do it! I'm not!

Sometimes Kristopher MAKES me so mad.

Oh wait. I'm sorry. He creates me to feel so mad. Because no one has the power to MAKE me feel any way.

But I told him today "I don't like you".

And "this session isn't going well".

And "now I am going to be sick for a week".

And he asked me today to do a really hard thing.

The thing I want to do less then any thing of all the things I want to do.

The thing I told him I would never do.

And he wants me to do it. A really hard thing.

And I am mad. And I said why can't he just be happy a little bit for all the growth I have done.

Why does he have to push and push me. It's ANNOYING!

He said he will not allow me to get stuck in addiction to therapy and to him.

Which honestly can easily happen. Addiction is like a happy chemical in our brain. Food was giving me a happy chemical. Therapy gives me a happy chemical. He wants me addiction free.

I know he is trying to do what's best for me. But I can't help but be mad at him.

So I am.

Even though he told me today to force myself to stay rational. Which I think would include not being mad at the therapist who is trying to strengthen me. But I am anyway.

And since he doesn't read my  blog I can post it all over this post.

MAD MAD MAD.

And I even wore glitter today. Bad session. I'm not wasting glitter on therapy any darn more!

People all the time are shocked I am in therapy. I have had people tell me that my life isn't any worse then anyone else's. Like perhaps I shouldn't be in therapy over my mostly normal life.

But I am important too. And my problems are worth reconciling to me. And I am learning gobs that I hope to share somehow someday.

I am thrilled and thankful and blessed that Heavenly Father gave me this opportunity.

And even if Kristopher is a pushy butt I am grateful for him. But still mad today.

Maybe tomorrow I will be more rational. Don't count on it though.

I am going to see One Direction in 3D with my daughters next week. That makes me happy.

I cliff jumped.

So we went cliff jumping. I was DREADING IT!!!!! My two hugest fears.....heights and my children around water. Combine the two????? I became a nut. case. FAST! Justine thought it was so funny to catch me FREAKING out. This video was taken after I realized what Nathan was jumping off!!!! 

I am shocked he has no fear. He just did it and even Corey wouldn't. Seriously...it was so so high. I was DYING. I kept telling him "It's like your jumping off a cliff!!!!" (because it's so high!) and he would say "Mom, it is a cliff"

Nathan shocked us all by telling me to knock it off. I was in such a bit of hysteria over the little kids being on this cliff that he was like "MOM! Stop it!" 

Justine and I were like "What in the world????" 

because he is so mild. I told him "You yelled at me!!!!" He tried to deny it. Cutie.

Here is a cute little snippet of my Bo. He chews his nails down until they bleed. His medicine seems to really be helping. One day I forgot and his teacher said it was night and day the difference in him. Kassidy took FOREVER to jump. She got herself so psyched out over it. And then cute boys in a boat came to watch and she couldn't' go for even longer. 

So ever since I have been all cool and facing my fears (remember the earth worm, amusement park ride) I just knew I had to jump off a cliff. It wasn't the highest one but it was still high enough. I seem grumpy. But it is just stress. And when I got to the edge of the cliff TERROR started to fill me. And I just surprised everyone by going. I knew the longer I stood there the worse it would get so I just went. It was funish I suppose.

I don't know where Justine gets her panic from.

I'll post pictures tomorrow. I need to go to bed. :)

I need a redo of today!

So something I learned from Kristopher that I thought might be useful to others is that if you have grief or something traumatic or sad in you life you should write it down and write a lot of detail about it. It will help your subconscious get rid of it! That's good news, right?

I don't know what it is about me but I get into a lot of interesting conversations at the boot store.

This particular conversation started when a couple came in and the guy was harassing me a bit. The guys love to do that to me. I frankly told him "You're not going to be able to get to me. I've been in therapy for a year."

And.... his wife had too! So we laughed and exchanged jokes, probably high fives or knuckle bumps, and stories. She invited me to her book club. which oddly enough, Kristopher just happened to be speaking at! Go figure. I didn't go but they had been reading "Daring Greatly". Which just so happened to already be in my "shopping cart" for Amazon. Whenever I hear of a great book I put it in my cart and just leave it there until I can get it. Do you do that?

Anyway, she told me to watch the author's talks on Ted.com. Have you heard of ted.com? Awesome! (I just can't always figure out how to post videos or give you direct links. So sorry.)

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I know there are a million people telling you to listen to or watch something. So I will still like you if you don't. But they are really really good and entertaining also. And some of her words are still touching my soul even a few days later.

I had group today. I didn't like it. I can't even share why. But I went home and ate more chocolate then is legal. A lot of times I forget that I care about food in an addictive way. As long as I track my calories, it is pretty routine for me. But tonight I couldn't get the chocolate down fast enough. Frustrating. And now it will take me two days to undo the damage. From over a year ago when my friend and I weighed ourselves at her house, I have lost 94 pounds. (Not including the 1/2 pound I gained today.) I should be CELEBRATING that. But one bad day and none of that matters now. Isn't that sad? Oh well. I just keep telling myself tonight...that tomorrow is a new day. Right? Please tell me it is.

Anyone care to see my most very favorite part of San Fran? I didn't even know it existed in the world. And I was actually really a bit touched the effort my brother went to take us here. You see....as a lot of men do...he was getting a little tired of all the driving and chaos. It really is a burden in California, I was car sick a lot!!! Once to the point I really thought I was going to lose it. Anyway, I thought we were done for the day. I had no clue where we were at so when he was driving down this one way road to get to this other one way road and down one street to get us to this other street which had people and crossing guards and a lot more chaos, I was shocked and enamored and THRILLED over this one little street that was worth every ounce of my brother's hard work to get us there.

PRESENTING......the most exciting road alive.......

BRICK none the less.... Lombard Street!

with a lot of switch backs and some really interesting information that you can look up if you care because I am too bored to do it. This picture was from Wiki. It said I could use it.


Here is us going down it.

See all of the people walking down it? I would have loved to try that, but everything is such effort!

Looking back up

And along the rode was the houses who lived on this streets, driveways. I don't know they ever got out of their driveway because there were constant cars. 

It was so beautiful. I am serious. The houses were awesome and the street was paved and awesome and the brick and flowers were awesome. 

I'm moving there. And I am going to camp on that rode. 

And here is the other little suviner I bought. I am going to make something out of it.

It has some really cute coloring.

So...

That's it! I need a salted caramel Ghirardelli chocolate. That's final!

So...I probably haven't mentioned that I decided to medicate Bo again. I don't want to. I am scared of medicine. I hate the side affects, I just hate it all. But I have to pay attention to the fact that his true and honest ADHD is preventing him from learning in other areas. It just is. People who know Bo would agree. They wouldn't think I just need to be a better mom. They would agree. I am certain of it.

 During the visit with a new Dr. Bo was in all his glory. It was honeslty as if I just let a monkey out of a cage. At one point Bo even choked me (trying to hug me too tight) and I just was being suffocated and couldn't stop it because it was happening so fast. 

I really unloaded on the poor Dr. about how burned out I was and how hard this was and how I wasn't a bad mother...etc. How all I wanted to do my whole life was be a mom. But now I was working and going to school and it wasn't in my plans EVER but I had to for me....and for the family.  He really GOT it. And he had sympathy for me. He is on my side and going to help me figure out how to best help my boy. Of course...because I have some wackiness going on with me, I "loved" him. I seem to "love" anyone who care takes me a bit. But really, I felt like I had someone on my side to help me figure this out. And I called Bo's 2nd grade teacher and told her she was going to really like me. Because I really think I put the first grade staff  through the ringer with Bo last year. Time to try meds again.

I feel bad my camera is so stinky. But...here is Bo getting ready for his birthday party. He insisted he needs to give out treat bags. I was assuming paying for pizza and the play place was enough but...no. Long live treat bags. So he was very happy organizing them and getting them ready. It was cute to watch. 

I always have the great idea of inviting his whole (boys) class. So....we needed a lot of treat bags. I laid them on the floor and then he put the goods on top and then we filled them.

I am almost done blogging about the trip. Today I tried telling someone how funny it was when we were in the hotel and Justine was mad cause I was going to dream about her Louis and she tried to kick me out of bed. I was laughing so hard over it trying to tell the hilarious story.  My friends....super polite and laughed. It was then that I realized....it might only be that funny if you were the one getting to experience that with your sweet girls. And I felt lucky.

So here is where my brother works. He is a big wig bike engineer designer. I never had time for a tour though. Next time.

We picked my brother up from work and he took us to get a super burrito. He said we had to have one. I could have done without the cartilagey meat (I tried to order chicken instead of steak but my brother wouldn't let me, talk about controlling! lol) but they gave us tons of avocado and that was delish!

About meat....I have a lot of friends eating Vegan. I support them. But I couldn't help cracking up at this quote on a t-shirt I might have to buy. "Bacon. Either you like it....or your wrong." Bahaaa!

So my vegan friend told me that meat is decaying flesh. And that the second it is killed it becomes decaying flesh. And you know what...my brain believed it!!! And it grosses me out! Whenever I eat meat now, I think "decaying flesh"! I actually ate vegetarian for a year. So this isn't a new concept for me. And yes, I did it for the animals! Which is probably ironic that I say that but then I ate crabs which are BOILED alive. Wait...are they? Always?

An ancient World War Submarine

And my most favorite roads ever. They were so steep and fascinating. I just haven't gotten out much.

A pirate ship!

And we went to Ghirardelli square and had ice cream and chocolates and some shopping.

This guy gave us a beautiful serenade. In fact we bought a CD because it reminded Kassidy of LOTR's. The violin stirs my soul. For reals.

We saw people having tours of San Franny on these little.... Idk their name, and in go carts and on fire engines. Lol.

Look at that beautiful purple flower vine.

I really might like living in a big city again.

Rhett called me. "Mom, I caught a snake. Can we keep it?"

uh...let me think about that...OF COURSE!!!!!!!

I love little critters. Plus I was the cool mom when Rhett got to tell all his friends I said he could keep it. They didn't believe him. But he knew I'd say yes. We are only keeping it long enough to feed him and enjoy him and then we will let him go.

Just a little garter snake.

Okay, so I don't think I have ever been much of the judgemental type.  But since therapy, and learning some of the stuff I am learning, I am even less so. I have read and really seen in action people who are reacting or living a life based on what they understand or know from childhood. It has really been easy to quit judging. And I love that it is really not my business to cast judgement. Only love.

I read this on FB. I adored it.

An African tribe does the most beautiful thing.

When someone does something hurtful and wrong, they take the person to the center of town, and the entire tribe comes and surrounds him.

For two days they'll tell the man every good thing he has ever done.

The tribe believes that every human being comes into the world as Good, each of us desiring safety, love, peace, happiness.

But sometimes in the pursuit of those things people make mistakes. The community sees misdeeds as a cry for help.

They band together for the sake of their fellow man to hold him up, to reconnect him with his true Nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth from which he'd temporarily been disconnected:

"I AM GOOD."