Avocados. Yum.

Hi friendy friends....

DAY FOUR NO SUGAR NO CAFFEINE AND..............

  

NO ASPARTAME. (It actually scares me a lot.)

I had to have another nap on Saturday, I was just so tired. I've had a low grade headache this entire time but I'm hanging in there. Not craving sweets too much. If I am it is only out of habit. I haven't been watching my calories too carefully. But I have been eating very whole foods. I made this crazy mixture and I have been eating a lot of it. SOOOOOO yummy. 

Black beans

Red pepper

Tomatoes

Olives

Lots of cilantro

AVOCADO (I DIE. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH)

and then if I want I eat it with corn chips or plain. Depending on how good I am feeling. 

I have been eating it everyday because I read you should have nutritious foods when giving up sugar. It has helped because I enjoy it so much. 

And at my friends birthday party I DIDN'T eat this....

And it is my most FAVORITIST treat ever. I mean, guys, I LOVE CAKE. It is so sad. 

So little Kate just is such a little love with animals.

She got to baby sit our neighbors weenie dog,Verdel. He didn't like us too much. Kate gave him treat after treat to convince him to let her pet him for one second. But every time he would do anything a tiny bit cure Kate would say "aww" in the cutest voice ever. 

  

 At my friend's part Kate made friends with Max. 

Justine and I were amused at Gracie just staring at her. 

 And Banditt...loved Kate petting him too. She was in pet heaven this week. 

Kate ALSO got to visit my friends puppies. Three little fluff balls. She died she loved them so much. 

Then she got to spend the night with Justine at college and some cute cowboy gave them a ride to Justine's apartment! Kate said it was the best day ever. 

Kassidy has hit the half way mark on her mission. CRAZY. She will be home in 9 months. Although she really thinks she wants to move there. Haha. She is sure learning to love people. Very neat. And in one of her last letters she told me that she has learned she likes things her way and noticed that as a fault. Phew. :)

Okay so... for Kassidy's "hump" day I mailed her this today...

Okay, I have to go read my chapter for tomorrow. See ya.  

DAY ONE. I'm alive. Mike was right so far

You guys. 

I HATE ALL OF MY CLOTHES. Almost. 

I am purging my closet tonight. I don't even have anything great but I am not feeling good in what I have and I need to clean my closet bad. 

I know I always talk about my weight, blah blah blah. SO BORING.

I go in the same cycle. 

But when I first lost my weight it was pretty simple. One reason the bigger you are the easier it comes off and I was super motivated. Also, I was so entrenched in therapy and changing some of my hurts that I most probably changed my addiction. 

So I gained a little back. AND I HATE IT.

And every day I wake up and I commit to do better and I might for a day or so but I always end up binging on sugar eventually. 

And I have become a diet pop addict. I NEVER use to care or drink pop. But when losing weight I wanted sweet things and it kept me fuller. And when in school because I don't get enough sleep I wanted the caffeine. And when I don't have pop I have little packets of artificial energy packets to put in my water. 

It BUGS me. I feel guilty all the time thinking I am hurting myself with all that bad stuff. And I have been reading how diet pop keeps you as fat as the normal kind.

So today....one week before finals, because I ate MORE chocolate yesterday then you would believe, and because I am spending money I don't have on chocolate and pop at the gas station, and because I keep reading that if you just stop the cravings really go away, I decided to quit. I know I did this once before but that doesn't matter. I have to keep going no matter what. By the way, when I say no sugar, I am just doing my best to do that. No treats, no syrups, but I had a white tortilla at school and it probably has sugar but I can't figure this all out at once. So any way...

DAY ONE NO CAFFEINE, NO SUGAR

I almost died during tutoring I was so tired. 
I COULD barely concentrate during math.
I literally feel asleep for 2 seconds while driving home. (That is a real problem for me. I struggle to stay awake driving and that was one reason I started going to the gas station all the time)
I came home from school and had to have a nap. (that NEVER happens)
I have a very mild headache.

Anyway, that's all. This is really how I feel. 

These things are too heavy. It is a burden to be bound to things. My friend once said "Why would I want a stupid brownie when I can have God?" I am filling myself up with the wrong things. I am finding solace in the wrong things. I prayed today to make it through today. I am going to try that tactic this time. :)

My Professor is better than yours. I know. That is so snotty.

I think I might be the most addictive person on planet earth. I get addicted to everything!

I don't even know what that is all about. 

The latest thing I have realized is pop! I used to NEVER drink pop. EVER. And then I started having some here and there and now I love it. 

And I want to quit. because I KNOW how stupidly bad it is for you. So NO ONE SEND ME MEAN ARTICLES ABOUT IT. I KNOW. 

I don't even know how it happened. It's super discouraging. Because now I have ANOTHER thing I have to quit. I cant even quit the other things I am suppose to be quitting. Stealing candy bars out of the primary closet.

So yeah. Another bad habit. I have too many of them. I can't even tackle them all. 

I waste too much time. I watch too much hulu. I mess around on the computer too much. I overspend. I overeat. UGH. I buy books I never read. 

Kassidy is doing awesomely well. She has reached that stage where she doesn't ever want to come home. Every letter she tells me she is moving back there after her mission is over. She asked me if her "300" dollars for Christmas could go to a trip for us to go back to her mission. 

There are just a few problems with that sentence. 

1) I don't spend 300 dollars on them for Christmas so I am not sure where she got that idea.

2) I don't spend 300 dollars on them for Christmas

3) I am not going to spend 300 dollars on them or Christmas

4) I REALLY am not spending that much on a kid that is over age 20. Isn't there a point where a parent stops having to give their kids a big Christmas? 

It would be fun to go though. 

Last camping trip Bo lit his first one match fire. It is a big deal in our little group of campers.

So when it came time for Nathan's 16th birthday he wanted to light the candles. I let him. We just about had ALL SIXTEEN lit when he dropped the match on the cake. He panicked and blew it out. Along with all the candles. Bahahahaha. We had to start all over. It was so funny. 

Bo and Kate LOVE Nathan. They kept making him present after present that he had to pretend to love. They were "wrapped" in like pillow cases and paper and stuff. It was cute. 

This is me. Why do I eat so much crap? I try to do better. And then I quit. And then I try and then I quit. I really decided I need to start figuring out how to acquire self discipline in all areas of my life as well. I googled it, eh.

 Thanks, cells. I appreciate it. 

Okay guys. For reals. This is my college Professor. Taking his class has been such a privilege. It has been so much fun. You should listen to this. 

He is Professor Mathew Whoolery. This is his ted talk. His thought processes are so fascinating. He is the one I always have so much to share that i never get around to sharing. He has lived in all these different countries and just thinks so differently and has really given me A LOT to contemplate. I loved it. 

hiya!

Oh. My. Goodness.

How long has it been? Like a month????

This has been such a hard semester as far as work load. I have been so busy.

I have spent 4 hours alone just with private tutors for statistics. I have been going every Friday night for tutoring. What a gift it is thought that the school gives free tutoring. If not for that, I would not be getting through these math classes. That is a huge blessing. I don't even hate math. I am enjoying it. And I am enjoying when I FINALLY get it figured out. And my cute youngster tutors are all proud of me and happy when I get it too. It's sad when a 21 year old tells you he is proud of you and it makes you feel good. But my brain just doesn't want to get it. And it actually hurts my self esteem. Why can't I get it? I got my second F on a test. Because I have been working my butt off I could still get a B n the class even with my horrible test scores but in order to get a B I would have to get a B on the next test. And I literally don't know if I can. I spent three hours taking the test today that I got an F in. It is JUST HARD.

This semester has also kept me out of my home a lot. I have loved it because it has been so fun but I have not felt like a very good mom to the kids. My schedule for the next 4 semesters (WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!! I WILL HAVE GONE TO SCHOOL 6 YEARS JUST FOR MY BACHELORS) are going to be much simpler. I could push the schooling and get done in three semesters but it isn't worth it to me because of the strain it would be on myself and my family. I am trying to enjoy the journey also!

Whenever this college girl comes home she just takes right over being mom to Kate. I asked her if she felt bad about it but she said no and didn't even know what I was talking about. She loves her little sister! It is so sweet. Kate is so funny and bossy! Justine brought Kate sticker books for them to work on. Kate liked Justine's puppy book better. So they decided (per Kate's demand) that they would each work on three pages and then trade. So that is what they did.

I have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to blog about from my class. I keep saying that. Someday I'll blog it. I miss blogging.