Bo gets baptized!

I like the tarantula. He takes no care. He is easy.

I saw this on Face Book. It cracked me up. I think my friend had made a joke about being careful what desserts you eat.

The puppy stinks! Mostly because I refuse to just leave him outside. So we are officially trying to crate train him. But in order to do that I also have to train all the kids on how to train him. So we made a schedule. It's like we've brought home a toddler.

Here is his schedule...

Sorry to write "pee" so much. Google said to call it that for an easy command.

What a headache!

And here he is crated at night. Kate felt sorry for him and this is how we found her later. All sleeping by Mr. Whiny Head. So sweet.

So today in church I was reviewing some notes I took from an addiction class. It was given by a lady who had several sons addicted to drugs. She was so wonderful. She taught me so much. 

I wanted to share a few things. Just because I loved them. Because I want to remember them. Because I want to reinforce them in my own life. 

She said how we let our kids know how we feel about THEM (they personalize it) when we roll our eyes at them or deep breath at them or say my favorite "whatever". It pours "salt in the cracks of our children's hearts". "And sarcasm tear their flesh."

She said "feelings aren't facts. But they are TRUTH for the person who feels them."

I can testify to that. Kristopher has spent a lot of his time with me reminding me to FEEL less and THINK more.

So knowing how long it has taken me to GET that concept I think we have to understand that our kid's feelings are everything to them and very real.

And that is is super important to MIRROR their feelings. From my understanding, you mirror their feelings by giving them empathy, not worrying about who is right or wrong, and saying to them "So what I hear you saying is....", and asking them how they felt about something. And then not telling them their feelings are wrong.

That is what Kristopher has been doing for me. And it has been life altering.

Wikipedia says...Within the area of self-psychology, being mirrored refers "to all the transactions characterizing the mother–child relationship, including not only the reflections of grandiosity, but also constancy, nurturance, a general empathy and respect". The parents' mirroring responses influence the development and maintenance of self-esteem and self-assertive ambitions. Their response will mirror back to the child a sense of worth, which in turn creates an internal self-respect.

The lady said that it is important to mirror our children's feelings because if they don't get their feelings mirrored then they learn it is not okay to feel their feelings. 

And mirroring our children's feelings is part of what "mourning with those who mourn" is all about.

I also liked how she said that when Heavenly Father teaches us we've done wrong we will never feel shame. So I think if that is true then we mustn't shame our children either.

Anyway, just some food for thought. Take it or leave it.

So...yesterday was Bo's baptism day. In the LDS religion we baptize at the age of 8. Because that is when a child is old enough to be accountable for their actions. 

So it was Bo's special day. We woke up to him running away barefoot on his bike. He was NOT GOING TO GET BAPTIZED he said. He also ran away and hid behind the horse trailer when we were all trying to take pictures. It was comical and crazy.

He was just scared. I should have prepared him better and taken him to watch some other kids get baptized. But...I didn't. I also didn't do some of the things I did for the other kids (eight days till baptism, heart attack room). I seriously am still doing them. He will never know if it was before or after and I just can't give it up. I write this to say..... it doesn't have to be perfect. It is okay to improvise. Yay. 

So I told Bo that he didn't have to get baptized (THE LAST THING I WAS GOING TO DO WAS FORCE HIM) but he had to come and at least check it out. So we did. 

And then he went and got baptized like a CHAMP. He didn't even say one more word about it.He went down into the font so quickly I almost missed it. 

Wanna see a lot of pictures? I know you do!

Corey and Bo discussing baptismal protocol.

I think these pictures are so cute. Daddy tying Bo's shoes

My boy. This little guy is the sweetest boy ever. I'm so glad his medicine is working so well and others get to see what I have ALWAYS known about him. Very grateful.

Brody trying to get through from under the fence. Ha Ha

Then we had a sweet little meeting where they spotlighted each kid. Bo stood on a little step stool in front of everyone so cute as they read the little things I wrote about him.

Going to get baptized...

They go into a font (which is like a big tub) and we watch and that is that!

After the baptism we had a little testimony (mine) and then he was confirmed.

We have a great little church community. I am very grateful for the people involved in Bo's life.

This is one of the kindest and gentlest men around.

Getting a treat from my friend and the representative of the primary.

Aunt Sheri and Uncle Frank. They are so great to come to all of the activities and give us such support. Love you guys!

SERIOUSLY...CUTE BOY, RIGHT?

Grandma and Grandpa bought him this new outfit for his baptism day.

His sweet church teacher Kristy. She has gone above and beyond for Bo. She soothed me when I was in mental chaos over him. She really held it together for both of us for a good year during church.

Kate just loves him so so much. Its sad and sweet. See his face?? Ha Ha.

 Taller then Grandpa finally! Success!

Afterwards we had a nice little picnic...

Grandma writing him a love note for his scrapbook.

Grandpa Dale and his love letter

More later! (not much though, I promise :) )

I's a student

I am not sure if I really have made an official announcement or not. But I am starting college on Monday.

I don't know why but I feel so weird about this. I am not sure if it is the right choice. I am not sure if I am ready for it. I don't know if I am doing the right thing by adding more chaos to my chaos. I have no desire to read text books. I don't even know if my potential major is correct. I don't know. I really wanted to just be the mom and that is it.

But believe me when I say for various reasons this is a necessary choice for my mental health.

I am taking a leap off the cliff of life and going for it. Kristopher calls it the "controlled fall". It is better to take the "controlled fall" over being shoved off the cliff. Just read his book if you want to know what that means. here

So the best part of going back to school?

Well okay....there are several good parts about going to school. (They sell fudge on campus)(And I should clarify that it is actually just one online class and one class up at the college.)

But I bought myself school supplies. And a book bag.

Buying the bag was almost torture. I wanted an over the shoulder kind and I certainly didn't need a back pack for one class. And at the fair they had a million of these funky bags. I finally just chose one of the simplest of the choices because it felt right. Sometimes I take these choice way to seriously. Gus teased me about being a hippy.

I bought these notebooks because I like the way the paper felt and it was pretty.

I had to get One Direction for my online class. Because it reminds me of my beautiful time with my girls in California. And no one will see it to think I am weird. or creepy.

I know. It's childish. But I like horses.

I LOVE PENS. I spent forever choosing just the right ones. And I put them in this box. And they are only mine. I am not sharing. Because I love my kids but they ruin nice things.

AWESOME, HUH???

So tonight I am going to the late night movie with my girls to watch ONE DIRECTION in 3D!!!! Right on, baby! I can't wait.

Tonight was group. Kristopher taught something so important that i have to share it. And i believe it with all my heart. SO I hope yu will think about it and take it serious. While I cant share the exact story I am going to share a hypothetical version of it.

If you had something traumatic happen and your spouse dies and you could never go to the same spot your spouse died at...what do you think the solution would be.

Move? Avoid the spot? Don't ever see that spot? Or the people who were associated with that spot?Don't ever think about it?

Kristopher says if you want to get completely healed than you go to that spot and sit there. And stand it.

And you will find out that it does not kill you. Sometimes you will find out (as his client did) that it wasn't as horrible as you thought it was going to be. And you survive it.

And you get free from it.

That's what Kristopher says. And we all know he's always right, right? Lol. Just kidding. Okay, not really. But I am. But I'm also not.

I am funny. Or a bit ill.

not a genius after all.

Um...yeah.

Turns out our puppy is in fact not a genius.

He is not magically potty trained like I thought. Super bummer. And if you put him in the crate for "crate training" he THINKS HE IS GOING TO DIE.

 And if you let him outside without one of "his" kids, he THINKS HE IS GOING TO DIE.

And we took him for a car ride this morning and he CRIED his little head off LIKE HE WAS GOING TO DIE.

And, although we love him already, he is basically a royal pain in the bum!

Tarantulas are SO much easier. Apparently a happy tarantula is one who holds still like 13 hours or something like that.

The puppy seems to like to sleep on Nathan's bed the most. Nathan is sick of it because he can't move his legs all night long. Lol.

Crazy sleeper!

Sherri and Frank love their dog and were excited to come see ours.

It was Kassidy and Bo's birthday last month. 

Bo had a huge birthday party at the local pizza place. He was very happy. He wanted this cake of Ash. sadly, it was a horrible job. Bo was like....."That doesn't look like him."

I know already!!!!!!

I almost trashed the whole cake but I forced myself not to.

I told Kassidy she wasn't getting a cake because she was so old. She almost cried. She felt so booted out of the family. So I changed my mind. Especially when she told me she wanted a hobbit house I was like "ohhhhh, that sounds cool". So I had to make her one. It wasn't quite as good as in my mind but she loved it.

She finally was awarded her Young Women's Medallion. It is so pretty and she worked hard! Good girl!

Bo raked it in in the present department. Kassidy received all "going to college" stuff. She loved it.

I was super hilarious when I said "the shire is on fire!!!"

  

Well, I need to go to bed. I have to try harder to get more sleep. I can feel myself getting depressed. I think I just need more sleep.

Have I mentioned that Bo is a whole new kid on meds? He is doing his own homework (last year they had to baby sit him through it all. They didn't even bother sending it home because they knew I couldn't get him to do it and that I also was fried.

Today he finished ALL his homework that isn't due until Friday today!!! He was sp proud. 

I found out he used the calculator. (sorry Myrna) But he wasn't trying to cheat or be naughty. He just found a more efficient way. I didn't have the heart to make him do it again. He was just too proud. I told him he couldn't use it next time though. He tried to bargain and said just one more time. But I still think he probably learned even if he did use the calculator. And he worked on it by himself for an hour. AMAZING. from where he was last year....AMAZING. 

Summer of Susan! And therapy talk. And super annoying sad reason to spend 200 dollars.

I am exhausted.

This week was the week that my work had a booth at the state fair. By the end of the week I have worked like 45 hours not including driving time. That's probably not that much to some of you. So maybe I'm whiny. But with all these kids and a new puppy and fresh back into school for the kids, I. am. tired. And, I can't go to bed and night. I can, I just don't.

I am also NOT keeping up. And I hate the chaos of being behind.

The other night at the fair the most annoying thing happened. I lost my car keys. So at 10:30 when Gus and I were trying to go home I realized they were gone. Gus was so sweet and helped me look and walked Kassidy and I to the car and was very gentlemanly. He kept making us laugh and laugh so we didn't cry.

And then I learned, even though I was given a great discount, that I had to spend 200.00 to get the van towed and new keys made. (I already lost the other key last month.)

It annoys me that sometimes I do just stupid stuff!!! The really great kid we bought the van from assured me I wasn't dumb and that these things happen. Sometimes a little kindness goes a far way. :) I wanted to cry when he told me that.

So many things in my therapy world are coming together. I just so wish I could share in detail. And maybe one day when I am not tired I will try to figure out a way to give you the gist of it. But can I just say...therapy and Kristopher have changed my world forever. I do believe the therapy I received is not the average therapy.

I went to another therapist right before Kristopher. It got me no where. It was useless. I took one of my kids to a therapist. It was useless. In fact....she gave my kid a prescription for a therapy dog for anxiety.

Huh what? You say? YES. A REAL LIFE PRESCRIPTION. On a piece of paper and everything.

My kid as I pick her up from an appointment...."Mom! I get a therapy dog! "

Me..."Oh? What is that?" (thinking it is some sort of therapeutic stuffed animal)

My kid...."I don't know....you know... a therapy dog!"

Me.... "Wait....huh?"

Yes. The therapist actually "subscribed" a dog for my kid. Without talking to me about it first.

Don't get me wrong, I believe therapy dogs have a purpose. But isn't that something...oh, I don't know...you ask the parents about BEFORE you get the kid all excited?

Yeah. I thought so.

We did see a really great therapist once for a little while with another one of our kids. So if you need a therapist and don't have a great experience don't give up. You might just have to find the right fit for you. I have referred many people t Kristopher. Some have loved him, some didn't. It is all about what works for you.

Last week in church we had a great lesson about how we are all different learners. And when you are trying to teach a child it is important to teach in the style they learn.

So the comment in Sunday School by the teacher's wife was this..."We are in the midst of a well crafted learning experience." Right? That's what the Mormons believe anyway. That we were spirits sent to earth to gain a body to learn and grow and have experiences.

So wouldn't it make sense that our Father is teaching us in the certain ways that WE learn? Whether it be audio or visual or tactile or whatever it may be.

So somehow...Kristopher had the tools that I learned best from. And so much has just been clicking and clicking.

Since therapy I have read probably over ten books. I have journaled every single therapy session. I have literally spent a year crying almost every day and grieving over unresolved things in my life. I really thought that meant I was sicker for a while. I couldn't understand that. I thought therapy was making me worse. But now I understand it was my brain sorting it out. I am "proud" of Kristopher and I, that we have stuck it out through all this chaos. I can really tell I am getting better.

My thinking has SO changed. And I am grateful. The other day a lady said something like Satan makes us feel bad abut ourselves. My first thought? No he doesn't.

DON'T TURN OVER YOUR POWER. No one can make you feel anything. You have control over how you feel.

Another thing I have learned through therapy is the value of reassessing your childhood. There are things that happen in your childhood that you feel are your fault, because children always think things are their fault. So then when you grow up it is healthy to look back at those things from an adult standpoint. You can then free yourself from some of those things, that when looked at from an adult perspective, you can see wasn't your fault at all. Certain things happen during childhood that change you. It is good to revisit those things from an adult point of view.

Kristopher and I did that on a certain topic. I had been carrying around shame and guilt over something that happened when I was a girl.And I felt horrible about it my entire life. Until Kristopher and I talked about it and he re referenced it for me and through adult eyes I was like "YEA!!!!!! I don't need to feel bad about that! That wasn't on me!"

 It wasn't anything major. But in a way, it was I guess. To me it was. I carried it around with me this entire time. I felt SHAME over it. I felt like it was my fault. I was only ten.

Something I have learned...... I sort of have felt guilty about getting such great therapy when really my life was probably similar to many of yours. Why do I get this opportunity? And others don't?

 I told Kristopher once something about my things not being that big of a deal and not being that important. He said "It is important to you." And it mattered to him that it mattered to me. His compassion and empathy ALONE has healed me in so many ways. The recent psychology book I am reading now even says that is the case. That a lot of compassion and empathy from your therapist can heal wounds. And in truth..for me...over time...it has. And it has been sacred to me.

Therapy is freeing my soul. For reals.

I made a goal that this was going to be my summer to do fun or scary or exciting things. My friend from group called it the "Summer of Susan". I rode the scariest ride at Lagoon, I ate an earth worm. And a moth. Not just swallowed. Chewed! I went to California and did a million cool things. I went to a family reunion and had a great time. I ran (walked) in the chalk run, I shared fair food with Gus...fried Twinkie.... check! I cliff jumped...check!

And now....I bought and learned how to hold (which I have always wanted to do) ....

LOOK AT MY BRAVE GIRL!!!!!! I was so proud of her! She was scared and almost shaking! But she wanted to try it! (Ignore my bathroom in the back! I was in a rush to get the picture!)

My friend said the summer of Susan in OVER!!!!!! Lol. She did not like this little guy!

I named him Julian.

I have a few more crazy things on my Summer of Susan list. I'll share later!

Puppy, the Savior, New truck. Not in that order.

Sorry for the lack of posts! My boot store has a booth at the fair so I have been working a ton. Fun and busy. It is good for me.

Okay... about the puppy. Uh....he is a stinkin' genius!!!!!!! He knows how to go the bathroom OUTSIDE!!!! It almost freaks me out a little. It's like...are you really a dog? Cause how do you know this already? Needless to stay, he isn't perfect though. And the kids are quickly learning that a puppy is a pain.

 Corey didn't really expect this but we want the dog inside WITH US! He has been spending every second with us. The other day though, we had to put him outside while we went to church. We live close to the church but we could HEAR him whining from all the way at the church. It broke our hearts. Justine had to leave church early to check on him.

He is still nameless. We all can't agree. It is impossible. I feel like my opinion should have more weight because half the kids will be gone before the dog is dead and I don't want to be stuck with a dog named Sparky. Here are some darling picture of him. I think his name will likely be Brody. It seems to be the one that is sticking.

We have exhausted the poor thing!

And here is one of him with our "new to us" truck. All of our vehicles were like 1990's. And they are all dying at once. It has been causing Corey so much stress that we decided a car payment was less stress. He's pretty excited about it. Although he DID NOT WANT white! But it is such a relief to him.

Sunday was a very great day as far as church goes.

In our church once a month we have testimony meeting where anyone is allowed to go up to the pulpit and bear testimony. Sometimes you just get that feeling and you KNOW you have to go up there. And Sunday that happened to me. Arg. It's nerve wracking.

I have been on such a journey the past year and a half.  It has been such proof to me that God is there.  I knew that he set the whole therapy thing up for me. I just know it. And sometimes I feel like if I don't share that journey the I am ungrateful.

In Sunday school I have started going to a Gospel Basic Doctrine class. It is taught by a religion professor. So needless to say it has been EXCELLENT.

Today we were reading scripture from Acts 17. We discussed verse 27.

"That they should seek the Lord if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us:"

We discussed how He is not far from us. Ever.

But doesn't it feel like He is often far away? I think so. I spent years wondering why won't He help me??????????

But after the past year, now that I am through a lot of the hurt, I can SEE why he didn't "fix" it for me.

I have gained a lot of trust in Heavenly Father this past year and a half. I can look back and see the countless ways He had his hand in my life. But I thought I was ALL ALONE. But when I look back I can see the journey I have been on and the importance of it and the importance of His timing is all things.

And I can see that when I didn't even know I needed the help in the way I "thought" I needed it....I received it anyway. Without asking. He just knew what was best for me.

Some of those things are Kristopher being already set up for me to see, the 12 step program, the right books I read at the right exact time with the information that was covering the exact thing I needed help with, my job with a good men who have been a gentle support system to me.

So Sunday I bore testimony. That I knew God was helping me. That I didn't even know I was going to need this kind of help. That I have learned things that have blessed my life and changed my thinking immensely and I didn't even know how my life could be blessed and change. I dint know I needed this. I truly didn't even know half this stuff existed. I didn't KNOW therapy was really going to be so monumental and valuable and healing. I probable have made fun of people in therapy before. I do't know... maybe not. But I never knew it was so brain and soul altering. I am thankful Heavenly father knew it would be for me. And that He provided it for me.

One of the interesting things we learned in Sunday School was that Heavenly Father loves being a Father. And that the reason He doesn't appear to us is that because we might get discouraged (like Moses did) and feel like nothing compared to Him in His glorified state. Because we are in a fallen state right now.

I had never thought about that before. I raised my hand. "Wait, so do you mean that Heavenly Father loves us so much that He doesn't want us to feel bad that we aren't more like Him?"

And that was indeed the opinion of the teacher. I thought it was interesting. It is an act of Mercy from God to us that He doesn't show himself to us. It would make the gap seem too big between us and Him.

Later the teacher's wife gave me an example. She said that when her boy was little they were having him chop the fire wood. He spent a lot of time working on it but he wasn't able to get it done in time. So his dad cam along and hurried and chopped the rest of it and got the job done. It defeated the boy. All his hard work and his dad was just way awesome at chopping the fire wood when he was just barely getting it done. She said it is a fine balance for a father. To teach and lead. To let us struggle and learn. To not discourage us with their power.

Once when I was discouraged and I told Kristopher I wasn't coming back he told me it was my choice. and that he would NOT chase me. I knew that. He said, "do you know why I wont chase you?"

Me-"No. But I know you won't".

Him-"Because God doesn't chase us. And I am trying to be like Him. So why would I do something He doesn't do. It's about free agency."

I thought about that. God doesn't chase us. He waits for us to come to Him. Because it is our choice. But He is there waiting.

And I felt great peace in realizing that He is there waiting. And I am not being punished if I am not where I "should" be. That our progression and coming unto Him is a process. And if I am not there or where I "should" be that He isn't mad at me. That He is waiting. Waiting. And it is okay. And that He is understands where I am at. Because He knows it is my progression. And that there is time. Peace.

I also bore testimony of something else that I have learned. Sometimes in the LDS culture we put SO MUCH pressure on ourselves to be PERFECT. For our kids to be PERFECT. For us and them to never screw up.

I have learned through therapy and some other life teaching moments that is it okay to not be perfect and t is okay for them not to be perfect. That making mistakes is really how we learn.

I have learned that if we are BREAKING our backs trying to be perfect and BEATING ourselves up for not being perfect, then we are missing some joys in life and also that we are not understanding the Atonement.

If we are trying to do it ALL BY OURSELVES and be perfect every second then what in the world do we need a Savior for? And that seems like a slap in the Savior's face.

He died to make up the rest for us. We can work hard and do our best but PERFECTIONISM IS NOT REQUIRED. The Savior does what we cannot do. That is the purpose of the Atonement.

We can take our stress level down a bunch of notches because doing it all great is not required. What do you all think?