Appreciation for Corey

Corey has never minded me being over weight. It really has been one of his huge shining qualities in our marriage. He just doesn't care about weight.

Since I have been losing weight I assumed he would be safe to tell me how thrilled he was that I was finally looking better and trimming down.

He had yet to confess to me that he secretly loves me better skinny. I questioned him about it.

He just doesn't care. He told me he is happy for me but he doesn't care. Not in a bad way...as in he is inattentive...(he always says nice compliments to me about being pretty, fat or less fat)....he just doesn't care if I am fat or skinner.

He also told me he didn't want to say anything in case I should gain the weight back. Lets face it, that is a reality when you lose weight...the fear and possibility of gaining it back. It is a lifetime battle. But he didn't want to say too much because then I would think he didn't like me should I gain the weight back someday. He didn't want me to feel bad and he just truly doesn't care either way.

I was touched by that. I am thankful for how kind he has been to me in regards to my over weightness. He has NEVER treated me mean over it. It has been a blessing.

Trust me, the last thing that is going to help someone overweight lose the weight, is pressure of not being good enough the way they are. Being over weight is a battle that has to be fought by the overweight person and outside input DOES. NOT. help.

Let me know when everything stops spinning!

The other night I thought I forgot to send my kid to his violin recital. Any of you faithful blog followers will remember when I screwed up Rhett's basketball schedule and took him AFTER the game....And I was so distraught that I cried for hours and couldn't even go get a corn dog with him at the restaurant.....Stupid. I still remember when I forgot to send Kassidy to preschool in pajamas on pajama day! I cried then too. I had just had my third baby and was a bit distracted. 

I have learned that one of my greatest heartaches comes from screwing up in almost anyway but especially when it concerns forgetting something important for my kids. That is a tough life when you are a mere mortal and bound to screw up a lot!!!!!

I am trying to learn to learn to relax.  I can't make it to everything or be everything. Because of work I will miss some of Rhett's basket ball games. That BREAKS my heart. Because of certain complications Bo and Rhett missed jujitsu this week. Rhett missed his pack night tonight. Justine missed an important college test because of other obligations.  Nathan will miss playing his violin in church because of a hunting tip. My parents have to take my kids to the Halloween carnival because I have other obligations! There is just SO. MUCH. I can't do it all or be everywhere or remind them of everything all the time! I am taking full advantage of  the "It is what it is" words that give me such peace. I just can't do it all. And I am giving myself a break and some peace and learning from others who are way more relaxed in this area.

Anyway, thankfully I really didn't miss his concert! We made it. And of course  I loved it.

This year his buddy Vance joined him. Makes it all the more fun. I was so pleased when Corey offered him a gun (bad bad dad) to quit orchestra and Nathan said "NO!!!"

After the concerts we always treat him to frozen yogurt. This kid loves ice cream more than anyone alive. He definitely has my genetics. We are ice cream people fo sure!

I see this picture and I don't know who I am. It is strange. The kids told me the other day that I looked like Uncle Jason (My brother). I think it is because of the weight loss.

Rhett tried to wrestle me and bent my finger super far back and now it is strained. I am telling you I have to always be prepared with that kid. I wasn't scared to hold him down with an elbow in his rib for a bit. And. he. loved. it.

Kate learned how fun it is to stroll in puddles. And how cool it is to crunch ice on a cold frozen over puddle. She had a great little walk home.

And she also learned the beauty of a good timeout. Which started over three times because of her talking.

Her sad face totally manipulates me. 

I like my kid.

 

 

He probably won't like me saying this but Nathan is just a dolly boy. He is gentle and kind and soft spoken. I think because I am such a loud person I really enjoy soft spoken people.

 

He still comes for a nightly hug even though he is almost towering over me. Bo and Kate ADORE him. He tries to be kind to them. They just want to hug and cuddle him. He still is just a teenager and he doesn't always appreciate that. We have had many conversations about how very important their tender feelings are and rejection from a big brother could hurt them. (No pressure, huh?) He usually gives in and gives them some sort of love back, even if it is half heartedly.

 

Also...out of all my kids..this kids is the ONLY one who could manage to take a decent school picture this year. The rest have to have retakes. Lol.

 

 

So Nathan doesn't ask for much in life. He wears whatever happens to be in his closest and he shares all his clothes with his brother. He is pretty easy. With six children there hasn't been the means to indulge any of them. It is a blessing in disguise.

 

So when he kept asking me for these Nike shoes even 4 months after he saw them  I just thought... the kid deserves to have something brand new that is name brand that is "cool". Also his favorite color has been orange forever.

We had to order them in. They were 80$!!!! CHOKE GASP COUGH!!!!! He paid for half. When he got them he told me he wasn't going to wear them outside. He was so worried about them getting ruined. I was like...."uh...how are you never going to wear them outside????" Ha Ha.

That night after purchasing them he came to my room concerned about the money spent and asked me if I thought these shoes should count as some of his Christmas present since they were so expensive.

DARLING BOY OR WHAT!!!!!

I told him no way and that he deserved to have a nice pair of shoes. And I convinced him it was okay to wear them outside. But they are bright!

Remember how I have the nicest boss ever? He left me this present. A coupon book! And it is not really my birthday. I love working for someone so nice.

I am right on schedule.

Kristopher told me that women usually go through mid life crisis ages 38-42.

So my mental chaos has been right on track.

It is because between the ages of 38-42 women go through so many changes. Children getting older, child bearing years mostly over, physical changes that aren't good, "what do I do with the rest of my life" questions, getting old :(...

I decided that this has been my year for sorting things out. And I have been doing just that. And I am learning so very much. And so very much is getting sorted out. So very very much. And it feels good. It feels like maybe my life is being saved.

People keep asking me if I am just so proud of my weight loss. It is really strange. But I do not feel proud.

I feel relief.

I feel happy.

I feel free.

I feel grateful that God sent me the tools and the mental help to hopefully save me from that addiction.

I feel like "God is good."

Mormons usually don't talk like that. We don't say terms like that. We believe it and we love our Heavenly Father but we don't talk like that. I love the way some other religions praise God. I love the way they speak. So the other day when I waiting in the hospital while Bo had some dental work done, I was texting my friends about how I was able to sit with a notebook in my lap, with my legs comfortably crossed. I was so very happy about that.

The only thing that kept coming to my mind was "God is good".

And He is.

He sent me relief. In the form of uncontrollable chaos that when left to simmer and cook, was turned into unexpected relief.

I have had some problems in my life and I have felt fairly abandoned in them for many years. When I first started seeing Kristopher he couldn't understand why I just wanted everything to come so easy.

 I was befuddled myself.

Doesn't everyone want it easy? Doesn't everyone want their trials to just BE GONE ALREADY?????

Kristopher's book talks about the "The Best News Ever".

"The Best News Ever" is who you become, and the opportunities you are given or pushed into or gifted, because of your sufferings and trials.

 "The Best News Ever" is that you can "move beyond your losses and reclaim your lives" (Chapter 8 in Kristopher's book). Kristopher told me that even though he never in a million years thought he'd be divorced, or wanted to be divorced, it ended up helping him do things he NEVER would have done had he not suffered in that way. He told me he never would have written his book which was step one in my healing. He would have never been the intensely, truly, compassionate and knowledgeable therapist he is if he hadn't have suffered through that trial, which is a gift to his clients.

And I am seeing how the lonely times and sufferings I have gone through have led me to this point that I am at today.

Finding lots and lots of inner freedom and peace.

Learning lesson after lesson.

Having session after session.

Reading chapter after chapter.

Closet praying after closet praying.

Finding that most things in life do not have easy fixes. Learning to trust that that is okay.

Learning and being taught through example....great compassion.

Feeling intense gratitude for the knowledge that has come my way.

Seeing that the only way that knowledge has come, was because I was left to ripen for it.

Learning that often you are left lingering and struggling so that you can learn the VERY MOST from the lessons Heavenly Father wants you to learn. And that when the time is right, when you can't stand it for one more minute, He will show you the way. Or hand it to you on a silver platter like He did for me. Or leave you a little "trail of rocks" to follow that lead you to where He wants you to be, line upon line, in a tender and gentle and slow and merciful way... like He also did for me.

I am clay. My Master is molding me. I am trusting that I am not alone anymore. I am trusting that all things are for my good. I am scared for what that can mean.  If I surrender with full trust, what trials can rock my world next? Will I be able to bear them with this professed trust?

I don't have all the answers. I say that a million times a day. But I am trusting that if I can learn to see my struggles differently, then I will be able to see what the "Best News Ever" is that can come from each struggle.

We are all just working it out, aren't we? The best we can...

I am not done "working it" out yet. Some days I don't feel this much serenity. Some days life still beats me up and my faith is shot. Some days I still worry every second if I am making the right choices (like working and missing my little family on those days). Some days controlling my addiction isn't so easy.

I still have some "working it out" left to do. I still have massive growth to do. That is okay though. I am happy to be "working it out". I am grateful to be "working it out". It has been a great privilege and opportunity to be "working it out". It has been leading me to "The Best News Ever".

I am excited and hopeful that I will be able to strengthen the inner peace I am discovering. I am grateful for this journey. I am grateful for learning and lessons and books and therapy and friends and Kristopher and change and peace and prayer and God. And although it hurts sometimes... I am thankful I am clay and that I am being molded. Because He knows more than me. And I want to be where He is taking me.

(Photo by my talented friend Michelle. Contact me if you want her #.)

running, crossing, tucking, and old Navy!!!! Wahoo!

I am having a pretty happy week.

Tonight as I was leaving Rhett's basketball practice I started running to the car. RUNNING! Without even thinking about it! I just picked up my feet and jaunted with ease! Like I was some sort of a marathonist or something! I don't even know who I am anymore! I have not ran in a million years. I have just been too heavy.

Losing weight has meant so much freedom. And I feel like I am becoming freer mentally also. I feel like I am getting mentally healthier. I am excited that my weight loss has happened along with mental health progress because I hope that means it will stick.

I also can....duh nuh nuh nuhhhhh...... cross my legs now! I LOVE it!!!!! I haven't been able to comfortably do that for years and years. It feels so good. Today during my visit with Kristopher I kicked off my shoes and tucked up my legs under me and relished in being able to get so comfy in my new body. I haven't been comfortable like that for years and years. Losing weight is reclaiming my soul. Reclaiming my soul is helping me lose weight.

So along with running, leg crossing, leg tucking,... I am also fitting into Old Navy clothes!!!! I am very happy about that. I adored old Navy as a teenager and yesterday I bought this long sleeved shirt that I felt right at home with. Happy happy.

The weight loss is slowing down a bit. But if I am not wrong I  believe that is to be expected. I am trying to be okay with that because I really want this to be a lasting change. I don't want my changes to be anything I can't stick with forever. I believe that changing my insides is imperative in this process as well as changing my "lifestyle".

That is why I see Kristopher, to oversee the changing of my insides. I mentioned I saw him today. Same peace. Same kindness. Same truth resonating within me that I am still on the right path. But I am also learning that my true attachment needs to be focused on the One who can give me that everlasting comfort and peace. I have been working on my prayers. Reading the parables.  Reading "Boundaries" which is chuck full of great thoughts about God. Being told by Kristopher every visit to "ask Father for help". But I still am not spending enough time committed to it. There is just not enough time.

I know a few weeks ago I was having some real struggles with some OCD issues.. Those demons have silenced and I am doing better. All I can think of is I have done so much changing and reading and analyzing and growing and thinking...that I am bound to have a "freak out" now and then. And...I am no longer eating away my hurts. I am dealing with them now.

One day I talked to Kristopher about how sometimes I think I am getting worse. We discussed how therapy is  picking off the scabs and getting to the wounds and so feeling worse is bound to happen for a bit.

I read a beautiful paragraph from the book "Boundaries" on that topic. It was talking about  people who come to their hospital for treatment.

"Hurting people will begin to make attachments with staff or other patients. For the first time, they begin coming forth with their need for connection. Like a rose lifting its petals after a hard rain, they begin to relate and connect in the light of the grace of God and his people....Then an unexpected difficulty will occur. Sometimes their depression will temporarily worsen as their pain is exposed."

After people start to feel worse sometimes they go inside themselves and try to handle everything on their own. The books goes on to say... "It is only when this attempt (handling it alone) at a solution breaks down  that they finally realize that these spiritual pains and burdens need to be brought out of themselves and to the body of Christ."

The book talks about how people struggle with sharing it with others so they try to work out their problems alone..."And yet the Bible doesn't recognize any other answer to our problems. Grace must come from the outside of ourselves to be useful and healing. Just as the branch withers without the vice (john 15:1-6) we can sustain neither life nor emotional repair without bonding to God and others. God and his people are the fuel, the energy source from which any problem is addressed. We need to be "joined and held together by every supporting ligament" (Eph. 4:16) of the the body of Christ to heal and to grow up."

The book also talked about how using our "will power" to solve our problems, like overeating or overspending, etc... we will be guaranteed to fail. "We are denying the power of the relationship promised in the cross. If all we need is our will to overcome evil, we certainly don't need a Savior (1 Cor. 1:17).

I just liked that. If we can just handle it then why do we need a Savior? Beautiful to me. I am not supposed to do it with just my own strength. I am supposed to rely on others and God for help.

One other thought I really loved from my reading today, and I wonder if it can comfort us if we have children making mistakes, or if we have had failings in our own life, one time Kristopher told me that we had a problem in our culture with perfectionism and it not being okay to make mistakes,

"We need to embrace failure instead of trying to avoid it. Those people who spend their lives trying to avoid failure are also eluding maturity. We are drawn to Jesus because "he learned obedience from what he suffered" (Heb.5:8). People who are growing up are also drawn to individuals who bear battle scars, worry furrows, and tear marks on their faces. Their lessons can be trusted, much more than the unlined faces of those who have never failed-and so have never lived."

Do you think that is beautiful? I do.

Super picture overload!!!

What is the very best thing about having a son born in October????

He lets me make him a spooky Halloween cakes for his birthday cake. And he loves it. And the grodier the better for this boy. I love this kid. He is so much rough and tumble fun.

So here is the mater piece...

 

 

 

 

Do you love it? I think it is the greatest birthday cake. He had requested a lot of blood. And was still wishing I had put on more.

I really wanted to make this one but I just am not that talented...

this blogger made it!

plus fondant? yucky.

Here is a picture of my little lovey with Corey out for breakfast birthday. He wanted his gravy on the side because he doesn't love it...uh....What the chicken? Who doesn't adore sausage gravy????

Rhett is the roughest kid around. Plus he is a very big kid for eleven. When he is around I always brace myself because he just hugs rough, walks rough, gives me a nudge hello rough...

The other day I was laying on the bed resting and he comes in. He sits on the bed. I kick him off with a big thud on the floor. He loves it. That game repeated itself 20 times. It was funny every time. And I mean I was kicking him rough because after the first time he went down so easy he was coming at me to wrestle me. But I just kept managing to kick him right off. And it was hard and we both laughed every time. One time I just pummeled him right in the chest with both feet. He couldn't believe I was so strong. He was in "wrestle with yo momma" heaven. That's how you play with this boy and he LOVES every second of it.

So what better treat for an eleven year old on his birthday than a ride on the motorcycle!!!

 

 

What is a better thing for a big brother to do than to give his little sister a piggy back ride. Simples things like that just kill me.

I love her all cuddled with him. She is lucky to have all those big brothers that for the most part treat her pretty well.

 

Whose birthday ride is it?

We invited ourselves over to Corey's moms for homemade pizza. I love watching the kids make their pizzas. It was lots of fun and I love the pictures of all the grown ups participating. It is just a great life most days.

Corey's mom, she is always the sweetest. She is an excellent cook. The kids want to know all the time if we are going to Grandma's to eat...

 

Newish Grandpa Dale. He is D.A.R.L.I.N.G. We love him.

I love him and Kassidy working together.

And Carolyn with the boys...

 

 

Masterpieces!

Dale is a famous artist. He made Rhett the funniest home made card alive!!! The Funniest.

We love to make Kate do "crazy eyes!"

Watching Rhett open his presents...

 

 

 Kate was super sweet to help. He got a back pack full of camping stuff. Which included waterproof matches which he promptly got taken away for striking in the house!!!!

 

 

Uh...happiest boy alive!

 

Fun with the eyeballs...

 

 

My mom and dad! Always up for fun and very supportive of my nutty life! 

 

 

This cake was yummy!

 

 

We got him candles that don't blow out. Super funny.

 

Justine is not a terribly touchy person. And she always has a sore ankle. So Aunt Sherri got Grandpa Dale to give her one of his famous foot rubs. She was hilarious!!!!

 

 Love this picture...

 I loved this night!!!