Party like it's 2013! and you are a good Mormon girl who doesn't drink or smoke. And doesn't know how to dance. And is watching her calories. WAHOO!!!!! I'm a lot of fun! Bring on the new year!

Happy Almost New Year!

The very most important thing I learned this year is...

To Trust God.

Even when bad things happen.

Even when you are confused if He has His hand in your life.

Even when it hurts really really bad. For a really long time.

Even when you feel alone or destitute or hopeless or lost.

or confused. Did I mention alone?

Because what I finally learned this year was the painful things we go through 

have beautiful lessons hidden in them. 

The other day as my kidlets were watching the new Christmas Ice Age movie, I heard profoundness coming from Syd!

"My mother always told me that bad news 

is just good news in disguise.

Well said! I hope I can seek for the good news from now on.

Well, gotta go! Time to party with a serious game of Clue and Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John!

Family fun and it's not even New Years Eve Yet!

Last night could not have been more fun. (Except stinker head Frank ditched us, GOOBER!)

Our family went to Corey's mom's house and played crazy games with his side of the family. While we were playing crazy games I was just so grateful for God's wise plan of setting us up in families. People that you might not necessarily choose but that you are bonded to by the plan of family. And so you accept each other (ideally) and play together and go through life's ups and downs together.

When Corey and I first got married I was OVER THE MOON to become an Aunt. I had been terribly lonely for siblings (I have one) and for some reason being an Auntie was just a dream come true for me.

 

I remember like yesterday holding my nephew (the one my little kiddies are all over) as a baby.

His mom, my sister in law and friend Traci, allowed me to hold him all during present opening Christmas morning. He was two months old and he was the most beautiful baby. Soft fuzzy head of blond. His mom let me open one of his presents. I loved him. And now here he is a cute college student and a sweet heart to my kids.

It is so neat to see all my nieces and nephews growing up and adding their babies to the mix and I so enjoy the adults they are and they just add more blessing and fun to my life.

So here are the worst quality pictures ever but we played some crazy rhythm clapping game called Mathew, Mark, Luke and John. Anyone every heard of it? My darlingest father in law taught it to us (below in the blue) and it was a crack up. We had to all clap and keep rhythm and keep track of numbers and names and move spots and it was funny. If you did it right you got faster and faster. At one point I felt like we were doing some sort of strange cultist chant because we were all chanting and keeping rhythm so intently! It was crazy! We did great that round and Dale was so very happy.

Ethan tolerated the little kids in his lap the whole time and included them in his turns. They so loved him.

All my kids so big!

Entertaining us with cup music.

New baby Addie with her Grandma Jann.

Macy and Bo. Two little technological geeks. It is just born in them I swear. Today Bo and Kate and I were being silly and recording our selves on Corey's work I pad and Bo literally had to work it for me.

We played pictionary, murder in the dark, some mystery game, and Mathew, Mark, Luke and John. Fun night.

just stuff.

Hi friends! Hope you all had a Merry Christmas!

We have been having our yearly Lord of the Rings marathon. I have seen it enough that it bores me slightly and I get a few dirty looks from someone who shall remain nameless for being on the lap top.

I have been struggling is in massive amounts with my eating. I decided I would take two days off and relax (Still tracking it though) and enjoy eating what I wanted. I made home made clam chowder and home made broccoli soup and brownies with a mint layer and this peanut butter dessert.  Needless to say....Two days has turned into four and I am still on a "break" from strict calorie counting. And now that break has turned into...

"Hello comfort of food. I have forgotten how nice you feel. I have forgotten that when life gets desperately confusing and hard that you are my companion and won't betray me. And that when life is fun you celebrate with me. And when life is boring you entertain me..."

But that is a lie, isn't it? It will betray me. Eating my sorrows away will give me diabetes  Eating my stress away will keep me fat which feels like being physically imprisoned by your body. Eating my emotions away will take away all that I have worked for for six months. Eating my uncomfortableness away will keep me dependent on addiction   And it isn't the answer  And I know it is true. Kristopher and I talked about it today. We discussed that  stuffing food and emotions down is not healthy. The answer is talking about your feelings to people. And saying positive proclamations which I desperately need to kick in gear. And I really think I am going to have to plead and beg and pray for strength to regroup and start again.

Kristopher and I spoke about getting to the point in life where you are happy enough with yourself that you don't really care what others think about you. You do that by increasing your frustration tolerance. So...if you are really bothered by eating alone because you are embarrassed by being alone (this is the example he shared about a guy he knew) then you go and eat alone a lot until your level of frustration is high because you are use to the uncomfortableness  If you have something or someone that triggers hurtful feelings in you, you put yourself in that situation until it doesn't bother you anymore and your level of frustration is increased.

So that is something he does with me. There is a word that really triggers some sad feelings in me. I told him about it once and now he says it often knowing that it bothers me. I don't want that word coming out of his mouth in my safe place. But he is bratty and does it anyway to make me tolerate it until one day it is suppose to not even phase me. You all are probably envisioning me writhing and wailing in pain when he says the word. It isn't dramatic and odd like that. He usually just throws the word in and I roll my eyes or heavily sigh and he says "See?!" because it is apparent it still gets a reaction from me. I always tell him I don't want him to say that word to me and he always assures me that he isn't saying it "to" me. He is just saying it to increase my frustration tolerance of it. Does that make sense?

Just sharing in case it can be useful in your life somehow. I have said it before but I do not take it for granted the girt therapy is to me and I couldn't bear not sharing something that might help others. I want to share the gift that God has seen fit to give me because i am so grateful for the peace and comfort and clarity I receive from visiting Kristopher.

So...at church in Primary it is our "turn" to decorate the wall for the year. This is what we did this morning for two hours. I am pretty happy with it. Picture obviously doesn't do it justice. I love the ladies I work with at church.

So...we are babysitting out friend's chinchilla. Because chinchillas are social creatures I have to sit with it twice a day for twenty minutes so it doesn't get lonely. Bahahaaa. Uh... I have children I don't sit with for twenty minutes a day!

Did you know that chinchillas poop over 200 fecal pellets a day.....uh....A DAY!!!! 200!!!!!! HOLY WOW! That is all I have to say about that! Besides....

What  t.h.e. WHAT?????

200!!!!!!!!!!

Also...I cannot leave the holidays without sharing with you this completely delightful recipe my good hearted, fantastically witty, darling friend Christina

shared with me. It is amazingly delicious. A must for New Years Eve!

 Pomegranate Salsa 

1 bag cranberries

1 pomegranate, take seeds out (use 1/2 of seeds in mix, 1/2 of seeds after mixed)

1 jalapeño take seeds out

1/2 bunch green onions

Handful of cilantro

1 C sugar

Put in food processor. Blend till small like salsa. Add other 1/2 of pomegranate seeds whole to it all after blended. 

Serve over cream cheese and with crackers. 

See ya!

Bo's team!

Sometimes I worry people don't like my little kids.  I know that my kids have a reputation (one that has been very hard earned thank you very much!) for being wild. They out grow it. But before they out grow it it is madness. Sometimes I see people "mugging" on other's kids and I feel sad that there has not been a lot of "mugging" going on on mine. But I also get it.

The past few Sundays I have watched Bo's new teacher with absolute delight in her listen intensely to every little word Bo says to her. She is a dear friend of mine. I feel extremely privileged to call her friend. I want to be just like her when I grow up. I feel beyond blessed that she is Bo's teacher. He can be exhausting. He can't sit still for minute. And she is EXCITED to teach him. And she already is a teacher to special needs children. So good for me that she has experience. I would think she would be a bit burned out but she seems happy to do it. And it gives me great relief. GREAT RELIEF. Because when he can't behave in church I get to spend time with him....even after he crawled on me all during the first hour of the church meeting. And did I mention I am just burned out? On Sunday I  sat with him a bit during primary just to try to control him a bit. After about 1/2 hour I just had to get up and tell her she was on her own. She was confused why I was sitting with him anyway. So grateful to have her and that she really seems to love him. It means more than there are even words for. Isn't she so lovely?

And I have already shared how beautiful and wonderful his school teacher is. She is as wonderful as they come.

And his speech therapist, James, has been in our lives for maybe 10 years now. He is fun and gentle and a boy type of boy. Bo adores him. He never complains about going to see him.

And now we have Nicholas. Bo's sensory integration therapist. Just as kind and genuine as James. We really like him just as well.

I feel very fortunate to have these people to help my sweet son. Bo is a huge love. It is hard to realize that but he is.


Last week I was sent an email from my one of my best childhood friends. She works with special needs children. She has often given me insight into helping my children.

She has been in my life for as long as I can remember. I am so grateful for Face Book to reconnect us. I remember spending the night at her house. She was always so good to me. I was riddled with anxiety. I was terrified to be the last one asleep. She always promised to not fall asleep before me.

I also remember us going to a movie. We saw Enemy Mine. Anyone else remember this slightly disturbing and awkward movie? LOL.

So Tiffany, some how, in her tender mercy angelic way, spread word amongst her friends about Bo. And they donated money for me to buy him some sensory integration tools. Tools for a disorder I don't really even understand yet. Tools that I don't even understand yet or have even heard of! Tools that are supposed to help Bo feel  safer in his own little world. I am so happy to have been enlightened of these tool. And now to have money to spend on some? Such a gift.

Here are a few other interesting things they make. What do I choose? :)  Also, what I have recently heard is that Sensory Integration is often mistaken for ADHD.

calming station

Bod Pod (That name makes me snicker like a 7th grade boy. I don't even know why!)

Cuddle me tunnel (This got a good review. I think I might make this. It was 50 dollars and I think I can sew it for cheaper. Kids are supposed to be able to sleep in it or watch TV in it to calm down.)

This two items are for chewing on. Bo is ALWAYS chewing holes through his clothes and believe it or not he still occasionally BITES!

You put this on his desk. For when he needs to just have some sensory stimulation. Is this strange and interesting or what!

weighted blanket

fidget 

I googled how to make a weighted blanket. I think I might do that. I also know Bo has responded very well to a weighted pillow to have on his lap. And Nicholas recommended putting him in sports compression shirts. Tight shirts that make him feel like he is getting a hug all day. Apparently these things help sooth people with Sensory Integration.


This is definitely  new or us. I am grateful for the generosity of strangers to help me provide better for my sweet boy.  I am grateful for help and prodding to learn more about him. Thank you to my dear friend Tiffany and to my new friends who donated to a complete stranger and her son. It has touched my soul.

"You will not like me when I'm angry!"

Christmas so far has been a SMASHING success!!!!

Doesn't get much better than getting the "Cheese Touch" from Diary of a Wimpy kid....

A good game of Memory with Grandma....

And a BFF (Best Friends Forever) necklace from your teenage daughter! Success I'd say!

Hope your day is going equally as beautiful!!!!

Zombies!

The eve before the world was supposed to be over Bo was up until midnight crying because he was scared of the Zombie apocalypse. He tried to sleep with brother Nathan but finally ended up in bed with Justine. Who was already sleeping with Kate. Sweet big sister.

When he woke up in the morning I told him, "Hey! No zombies got you!"

He pretended they still took a bite out of his arm. 

I saw this on Face Book. Loved it's guts.

I am happily making clam chowder and broccoli cheese soup and NOT counting a calorie. (Wish I had finished making those mint brownies! Darn!). It is snowing and we are going to watch out crazy Christmas Eve Planet of the Apes. It has been a good day.

Attachment and Connection

Kristopher day.

Kristopher is always talking about attachment and connection.

He told me today he is an attachment theorist. After receiving all of this therapy and some things that I have learned from it, and witnessing Kristopher's approach, I find this a fascinating topic.

I will be completely frank here. When I first start seeing Kristopher I found myself growing completely fond of him because he was so supportive and caring to me. Which. is. his. job.

Sometimes people do that with their Dr. who happens to be care taking them. People often grow very fond of those whom are showing them care and concern.

I was very worried about my fondness and dependent  level for Kristopher. I am a married woman, and although I did not feel romantic for  Kristopher, I sure grew to quickly want his care. I didn't want him to EVER know because I thought he would freak out and make me switch counselors if he knew how much I had grown to like him.

One day he tried to get me to talk about what he could see, and I could see, but didn't want to admit because I was so scared. My friends, who could see how much I cared about him, even thought he would be very upset and concerned once he knew how....

attached

....I had become to him. I was terrified of him knowing. Terrified. I was convinced he would never let me come back. Convinced. I refused to tell him when he prodded me with leading questions headed that direction.

It was a beautiful moment for me when during that tearful session he exposed my secret and he said it was okay. In fact he encouraged attachment. He said it was healthy for people to have attachment and connection. He said that eventually after we worked through my stuff it would go away. He said he would become a happy healthy memory of safe attachment.

I have thought  A LOT about attachment ever since.

I have felt blessed to see a new side of this attachment and connection theory.

I have felt blessed to see that lots and lots of people are looking for attachment and connection and it is a gift we can offer to others.

 I have felt blessed to see that my children also need attachment and connection. And as their mother....at this point....the person they will have the most attachment and connection with...is likely me. A privilege and a responsibility to develop and treat carefully and hold close. A responsibility to protect their attachments so it doesn't break and so that it is kept safe. So they are kept safe.

Attachment and connection is also one reason Kristopher teaches classes on sex. Loving sex promotes attachment and connection in marriage. What happier kids there will be if their parents are attached and connected to one another. And sex is obviously a big part of that.

Today...he told me how terribly important attachment in those first 18 months of life are. He told me about a study...that as a animal lover....sot of disturbed me. I think he called it the monkey experiment from like the 1940's.

Scientist wanted to see what would happen if they took a monkey away from it's mother (:( ) and gave it to a stuffed animal, or a roll of wire, or a mother that was not warm, or a mother that was warm and would rock. The monkeys would become attached to what ever "mother" they were given! They needed attachment.

We need attachment.  It is okay to give it to each other. It is okay to offer love and connection and attachment to each other. There are many many who are hurting for it. Not everyone. But lots. We need to protect each other and our attachments to one another.

What are we here on earth to learn? Why is loving our neighbor as thyself  so important? What did Jesus go about doing? I think he gave attachment to people. I really do. Sometimes I think we are scared to do that because it really requires a deeper level of love. A deeper level of commitment. A deeper level of committing to protect that attachment so we don't cause harm. A deeper level of effort and pure love for others.

Food for thought. What do you guys think?

Today the Dr. told me my son likely has Osgood-Schlatter disease.

Great.

Just great.

First off, any time someone tell you your child has a disease, your heart drops to the bottom of your feet. I felt a minute of complete panic. But I stayed calm because my boy was watching me for a reaction. I could see him look at me out of my sideways (spell check can't find perifial) vision while I was staring at our Dr. of 18 years. I see this Dr. on purpose because he is very chilled. My ADHD boys can maul him and he doesn't really react.

But he also just announces my kid has a disease like it is no big deal. And what a bizarreo name!!!!

Osgood-Schlatter disease.

To my relief the disease goes away once your bones quit going with no ill affect.

The disease lasts during adolescence "like acne and bad attitudes". So says Dr. P.

Okay....So...I am pretty good at rolling with the punches. This disease will suck a bit for my boy but it will go away with no ill affect. So if you are going to have to have a disease then this is probably the one to have.

The saddest part is....this disease affects your ability to play sports because your knees are constantly sore. And my boy who has this disease is Rhett. Who isn't good at reading and writing, but has natural talent in basketball. And loves jujitsu. And can slam the base ball out of the ball park. And now he has achy knees and will need.to tell the coach when he needs to sit out. And he will be sore for years. Heat and ice and ibuprofen and rest are the only friends this disease has.

Oh life isn't fair is it.

Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic staff

Signs and symptoms of Osgood-Schlatter disease include:

• Pain, swelling and tenderness at the bony prominence on the upper shinbone, just below the kneecap
• Knee pain that worsens with activity — especially running, jumping and climbing stairs — and improves with rest
• Tightness of the surrounding muscles, especially the thigh muscles (quadriceps)

The pain varies from person to person. Some have only mild pain while performing certain activities, especially running and jumping. For others, the pain is nearly constant and debilitating. Osgood-Schlatter disease usually occurs in just one knee, but sometimes it develops in both knees. The discomfort can last from weeks to months and may recur until your child has stopped growing.

Rhett has been hobbling around with sore knees for over a month. Poor boy. It is sad . Thankful it isn't permanent but sad to see him hobble.

Tonight I was given sweet and gentle advice from a friend and her husband. I was discussing my stress over feeling like I would  be wise to go back to school and get a career sometime in the near future. But I also feel AGONY over that choice  All I ever wanted to be was a stay at home mom and raise children and devote my time to their welfare. 

But life is changing. The financial aspects of trying to raise all these kids is kicking our hiney's. And there are other reasons I feel like I need to go back to school. It wasn't in my plans but I think it might be best.

I was telling my friend and her husband these things. He told me a really great story about his own life. And how sometimes things don't work out the way we planned. But that it is okay and to not be so hard on myself. It was sweet and gentle and really really kind and soothing.

Today I ate an extra large junior mint. It looked like a cherry cordial. I was really excited about it. I thought it was a great invention. But it didn't taste as good as the little ones. :(

My kids are out of school this week and I have been as busy as ever. Life does not slow down! I have great guilt over being away from the kids so much, working, running errands, driving kids to various appointments which leaves other kids home alone baby sitting each other.

I hope someday they will read this and have compassion on me that I am doing the very best I can, to love them all, deal with my mental and physical health, take care of their various needs and take care of the home.  It is A LOT. And I really love it all most of them time. I love these kids deeply. Even when I am tired and grumpy by night time. Something or someone is always neglected a bit.

I feel very sad about not doing "better" for Christmas. I really wanted to bring the spirit of Christ in our home more. We worked on some of the Christ for Christmas project but it is just not as good as it was a few years ago when I did a lesson every day. I know Justine especially wants me to do it that way again. The painful thing for me is I don't have the mental energy to get it done. Gathering all these kids together for something like that is a CHORE. They fight and play and it is chaos  Sounds like a lamo excuse I know. But it just is the way it is right now. I am just getting by. Oh well.

Kristopher asked me to join "group" therapy. It is for people who have suffered loss. I know those who know me and even those who know me well might wonder what in the world that is about. But I think lots and lots of us have loss and different degrees of loss. And once again, I am blessed right now to be able to focus on mine.

Last week was my first week in group. I was uncomfortable and slightly terrified and Kristopher knew when we locked eyes and my eyes said... "Holy Moly! Get me out of here!" He pointed it out in fact. He said he knew I wanted out of there. But I committed to go back, because I am a rule follower and I really want to learn what there is to learn right now while I have this opportunity.

I share this about me going to "group" because I realize there are some who are greatly interested in my therapy. It is sort of a hard thing to share that because it feels pretty private and I have to be to vague and I hate vagueness. I am sorry I have to be vague but I do. I want to share my lessons so desperately so I will do the best I can to keep those of you who are interested up to date in the best way I can.

This week "group" was powerful. Sadly, I cannot expand. But lives are changing. I saw one today that had changed and it was so so beautiful. This person was beautiful. Glowing in fact. I could see it in their countenance. It was huge. I was really touched and felt it a privileged to be there with people all working out their pain.

Other family news, James is Rhett's "speech" therapist. Rhett sees him for his dyslexia. I love when I pick him up and I can hear them in the back of the office throwing a foot ball back and forth in the huge room to each other working on words and rules. I feel so blessed for my boy that he has a kind and gentle and manly therapist who gets that tossing a football while working on words is a great thing to an eleven year old boy. Rhett never complains about going to therapy.

James has been teaching Rhett phonic rules I guess you would call them. For example....When you have a long vowel in a word it ends with "ke" and when it is a short vowel it ends with "ck". I might have totally messed that up but it made super sense when James and Rhett were telling me about his work that day. I think teaching Rhett these rules are amazing and will benefit him greatly because he cannot memorize every word and knowing the rules will help him a ton. I am grateful for James's wisdom.

I have a special post planned about something so kind and pure that someone did for my little Bo for Christmas. I can't wait to share it with you.

:(

Many of you know I graduated from Columbine High School. It was a nice school. I had nice teachers. I had nice friends. It was and still is I assume, a nice community.

After the shoot out I watched every ounce of media and read every article alive on the shooting. I longed with all my heart to be back with my community. To mourn with them. To be part of them again.

Some of my friend's siblings were in the school at the time of the shoot out. Some of my dad's scouts were involved. I had the business teacher who died. It was a very sad and confusing time. I was sad for my hometown. I was sad for the people involved. I thought a lot about my very favorite photography teacher and how it might have affected her and how she might have been traumatized during the shooting.

I worried if I was in a shooting would I do the right thing? Would  I stand up and protect those around me? Would I be brave? Would I keep my wits about me? Would  I hide little children in the cupboards and die for them? (That young girl is an angel. I am telling you from the bottom of my soul I know that is true.)

For months and months afterwards (because I am slightly filled with anxiety in general anyways) I was nervous in public. I remember being at the state fair and being concerned that anyone could start shooting at any time. I remember hearing a very loud noise and it it sent off some panic in my heart that it might be a shooting.

I felt true sorrow and compassion for the mother's of the shooters. What would be more painful then knowing your children had cause that much harm?

All these shootings that keep happening since then have been so sad as well. I keep wondering what is the solution and answer. How do we stop this from ever happening again. Enough is enough but what do we do about it?

The most recent shooting has been extraordinarily shocking and painful because those were babies that were shot. BABIES. I have a child one year older than those little kindergartners and I have a child one year younger than those kindergartners. They were just babies. So painful and tragic. These are the times when I am ready for Christ to come and take away the suffering. Normally I enjoy life and the journey we are on but when little babies die and noble educators die it just hurts so much. What do we do?

‎"To be disciples like Mary Magdalen is to show up. It is to be a people who stand – who stand at the cross and stand in the midst of evil and violence and even if we are uncertain we are still unafraid to be present to all of it. We are unafraid to name the dark demons of evil and to call a thing what it is. And to

be disciples like Mary Magdalen is also to be a people who weep. A people who show up to the tombs and weep. Weep for ourselves and weep for each other and weep for our city and weep for dead 6 year old girls. And to be disciples like Mary Magdalen is to be a people who listen and turn at the sound of our names. Amongst the sounds of sirens and fear and isolation and uncertainty and loss we hear a sound that muffles all the rest: that still, small voice of Christ speaking our names. And finally, the very reason we can do these things is not because we happen to be the people with the best set of skills for this work. Trust me, we are not. But the reason we can be disciples like Mary Magdalen – the reason we can stand and we can weep and we can listen is because finally we, like Mary are bearers of resurrection. We know that on the 3rd day he rose again. We do not need to be afraid. Because to sing to God amidst all of this is to defiantly proclaim like Mary Magdalen did to the apostles, that death is simply not the final word. To defiantly say that a light shines in the darkness and the darkness can not will not shall not overcome it. And so, evil be damned, because even as we go to the grave, still we make our song Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia."-Nadia Bolz-Weber

I am deeply saddened by the loss of life in Connecticut today. We all feel the devastating sadness for the families who's children were killed. These types of tragedies generate many questions but most of all feelings of disgust and RAGE. 
My kid's heard about this while they were at school today. They asked, "Why would anyone want to hurt so many people?" It is a difficult question to explain 

with any justification that makes sense. I asked my kids to be prayerful and mindful for the families who have lost loved ones. I told my kid's I love them and they can talk to me anytime about this or other problems in their lives. 

Remember, truly listen to your children. Make every attempt to understand what they are thinking, feeling and believing about their world. Most children, teens and adults do not believe anyone truly cares for them. They are emotionally starved for connection and love. Kids internalize (Emotionally Constipate) their feelings of loneliness, hurt, and sadness. The more they can express, the less they will react. Fewer will hurt themselves or hurt others. By understanding the pain of our children, we can create a fuller life for them and ourselves. -Kristopher Walton

twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the ai

r.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

And here is a really sad and desperate article on mental illness by a mother scared of and for her own son.  

What do we do? How do we stop this from ever happening again?

I am so "words of affirmation"

Today I saw my friend Terri at a school activity.

I. LOVE. HER.

She is funny, has an ENORMOUS heart, and is feisty. She always pulls off cool parties and fun fundraisers and has huge plans and ideas. I always want to be her friend and be taken along with her on her great ideas. I don't know what is about our friendship....but I just know know know she "loves me back".

Isn't she all gorgeousness?

When I came up to her today at the school she said, "Hi cutie" all happy to see me.

I have been loving that all day. Seriously. I have been. It made me feel so good. I told you I love pet names anyways and it is a gift for someone to be happy to see you.

For some reason I feel like I have made Terri the very most proudest of my weight loss. She always wanted me to lose weight. But it was never because she was annoyed by heaviness or heavy people. It was because she genuinely loved me, wanted me healthy, and wanted me to feel better. And I do. And as I said before I am full of relief.

Love you, Terri!!!!!!

I will admit though, the holidays are kicking my trash. My other friend told me today..."It's just food. It will be here after the holidays..."

 Uh.... NO....., IT WONT!!!!! Not the same wonderful way it feels to eat food during the holidays, it wont.

But actually it is not just the Holidays.  I am struggling a tad to keep up with my same motivation that I had before. Because now that I have lost this much (60lbs) it isn't as easy to lose as fast and my motivation has decreased just a bit. I am still working on it though. Still tracking calories, still eating super healthy mostly, still  have "try in my eye". But I will admit, the decline in motivation terrifies me a bit.

So my Christmas goal is to still lose..even if it is slowwwww. As long as I am going downward, even if it is a tiny bit, I am happy. Or I am going to be happy. I am choosing to be happy. I want to be gentle to myself. I want to be realistic.

 I read a quote on Thanksgiving day from a girl who was blogging about her weight loss. It was from this blog and her name is Liz. She said "I am thankful that I keep fighting even when I slip up. I am thankful." That jut struck me. As a person who was struggling with control over food for a very long time it does make me extraordinarily thankful that I can slip up and start the fight again. THAT IS HUGE FOR ME. Thanks Liz. I hung that on my vision board and I read it every day.

Today was Kristopher. It is getting to the point where he has supported me and guided me and been super kind to me long enough. But now it is "this is your therapy, where do you want it to go, whatever you choose is fine with me" type of attitude. I miss "sympathetic, buoy me up" Kristopher, but I also know this is good for me. I think. Sometimes it doesn't feel good. But he won't be around forever so I need to learn the skills and move on.

Nathan just had me read his spelling test to him. He is in 8th grade.

soliloquy
loquacious
colloquial

Can you even pronounce those? I can't?

Just some more therapy talk

I sure do a lot of therapy talk. It gets embarrassing because people will pass by me at church or elsewhere and I have to admit that yes, I am talking about Kristopher and therapy again. I just can't help it. It is on my mind a lot as I attempt to process the new things I am learning, my new assignments, and if what he suggests is the right path for me or not.  Because he is just a man and not a mind reader I have been wondering if this time we are on the right track. But I also trust him so much and the help and counsel he has given me thus far. Kristopher wants me to journal about some things from my past that I am just not sure are that important anymore. But he insists they are. I have been praying to know if that is right. Praying for help with the assignment. Confused at the assignment and how to get it done. Confused if it is as important as Kristopher thinks it is.

So I was discussing therapy and my assignments with a friend the other morning at the church Christmas party. I was talking it out trying to say I don't know if this was important to do or not.  But I also don't not know. And I also have a lot of strong clues that yes, this is the correct path. I just can't quite figure a lot of it out. I am working it out still.

Basically a lot of things that happen to you in the past have a lot of effect on who you are now or the needs you may have now. Lots of us have unmet childhood needs. And that is what I am trying to work through. And it is probably similar to what a lot of people are trying to work through. My story is nothing horrifying, so don't get too excited when you read this. It is just part of being a human bean on the earth I think. I believe my own children will also have unmet childhood needs. I think it is just part of it. I just think I am lucky enough to have the opportunity of therapy to work it out. I do not take that lightly, the gift of therapy. Which is why I keep sharing it. Because if there is anyone who can benefit from the gift I have been given I would really be happy. At this point, I feel like it is my obligation to share.

Anyways, my other friend was also listening to me blab about this said she was going to email me something that might apply to my struggles. And this is what it is. I found it so profound and beautiful that I needed to share it along with the explanation above.

My friend says...

"I cherish it and reread it often. This is a excerpt I found that perfectly explains what I have come to find for myself through the 12 steps concerning honesty in the book: Experiencing Christ - Your Personal Journey To The Savior by Randall J. Brown."

Pg. 66-68:  The experiential knowledge that my Savior is full of grace and truth became the way for my deliverance and my path to finally experiencing peace that passes all understanding. As my understanding of grace and truth deepened, I learned that my anxiety attacks were not triggered by traumatic memories or events, but by the false beliefs I assigned to them. The beliefs I assigned were lies that, "had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue." The lies could be anything from, "I'm shameful and I deserve to be punished." "I'm unworthy to be loved." The lies caused emotions that were so painful, I was not willing to face them or deal with them. As a defense mechanism against the pain, I either repressed the emotion, or I automatically began trying to escape it through compulsive behaviors.

The Lord helped me to understand that I must be willing to face the emotion head on, allowing myself not only to experience the emotion, but also the memory from which it originated. Then I could ask myself, "What is the lie I believe about this?" Once I had identified the lie, I could turn directly to the Savior by asking, "What is the truth thou wouldst have me know?" Then the Savior, who is full of grace and truth, would lead me in my minds eye to the garden of Gethsemane, Golgotha, the place of his scourging, or to the places of any of the things he bore for me, such as being spit upon, judged, or experiencing any of Satan's attempts to wound Him with shame.  I came to the realization that the Savior knew perfectly who he was.  He had no lies to wound or bind him, and none of Satan's attempts to inflict him with shaming lies could have any effect.  He was full of truth!

Then I would experience the Lord revealing truths to my mind, such as, "With my stripes, ye are healed."  Finally, although I could still recall the memory that was so troubling, the pain was no longer there, because my Savior, who is full of grace and truth, was now there, and the lie was dispelled.  I had complete peace in the memory, and that particular trigger was gone.  There was peace in Christ!  There was victory in Christ!

Learning to experience the peace our Savior offers is a process of learning to let our souls be still. As we quiet our hearts and minds, they become open and ready to experience the presence of our Savior.  In the stillness of our hearts, we will see the Lord ordering and providing in all the affairs of our lives.  Only then will we know by our own experience that he is leading our lives to a joyful end. The words of the hymn, "Be Still My Soul," help us understand our Savior's faithfulness as we journey along our thorny way.

Peace in Christ comes when what we have experienced in Christ matches what we know of him intellectually. We can hear someone say that Jesus Christ is the master healer, the master counselor, and the master comforter, but until we have experienced it personally, it is nothing more than intellectual knowledge.

When traumatic or tragic events occur in our lives, our brains search to find some meaning to make sense of the experiences. Everything we go through has meaning and purpose. If we love God and look to him, he will show us that our mortal experiences, combined with his grace, are molding us for divine nature. The only real tragedy in life is not letting our afflictions turn us to Christ.  Paul taught the Romans, "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). 

Elder James E. Talmage wrote, "No pang that is suffered by man or woman upon the earth will be without it's compensating effect....if it be met with patience."  

It is not the trials and the tragedies of mortality that wound the soul.  It is the meaning we assign to our sufferings that does the damage. It is Satan's desire as the Father of Lies, to deceive us about the purposes of our mortal afflictions. As we strive to find the meaning in our suffering, he steps in and attempts to wound us with lies. It is these lies that keep us from turning to Christ and experiencing his purpose in our trials.  Shame is the greatest lie we can attach to our wounds because shame causes us to hide from the Savior.  No person is capable of healing spiritual wounds infected with Satan's lies. This is what binds the victim of abuse to a life of toxic shame.  This is what ensnares victims of cruelty to a life of emotional self-abuse and possibly perpetuating their abuse upon others.  These are the lies Satan uses to lure wounded souls into the bondage of addictions, compulsions, and other self-destructive patterns, with the false hope of emotional relief.  Any efforts to find real peace in and of ourselves will never bear fruit unless combined with the Savior's touch.  Through the power of the Spirit and personal revelation, we can receive Christ's healing truths in our hearts. Soul-deep healing comes only from spiritual contact with Jesus Christ.  Each of us can turn to Christ and experience his peace as he shines the healing light upon our lies.  When Christ gives us his words through personal revelation, we experience what Paul described as being, "transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2).  We will know that he has spoken to our hearts and minds, and we will experience his peace through the opening of our spiritual eyes.  There is no other way." End of the book quote....

My friend added, "Isn't that so awesome!  I would only add that it takes practice to refute the lies and hear the spirit speak the real truth.  I work at it daily."

Do you think that is so beautiful? Don't you think it can pertain to all of us?

And then my friends also said to refer to the "LDS family Services Addiction and Recovery Program" book chapter 4. Chapter 4 is about Truth. And taking an inventory of your life. I thought...Hmmm. Twice in one day. Really good information about inventorying your life and staying free from addiction.

Sometimes I also wonder...was I addicted? Does food addiction count? (YES!) Or does food just taste good? (Uh...YES) I am doing pretty well now, is it possible that I just over ate and wasn't addicted?

 But then I remember the countless times when I had to have that food. When I thought nonstop about the next treat even though I just had a treat. When I felt physical relief from stress when I ate. When I couldn't wait to relax and eat. When I thought about sugar non stop.

And I also remember that number on the scale. I am not sure you get to that number just because food tastes good.

I don't have all the answers.I don't have ANY answers. I don't even know if I am doing ANY of this right. I hope I am not being hypocritical by posting all this therapy talk  like I have it figured all out and am doing everything just right. (Last session Kristopher told me I was only doing fair in therapy. FAIR????? WHAT???? I thought I was doing GREAT! I'm telling you, he's serious about helping me. He's not going to sugar coat anything for me. But he is also gentle.) But I know I am headed in a direction that feels like more inward freedom and peace. So I am going to just continue on and see where it leads me. Plus I can never deny that God put Kristopher here for me in the first place. So I will keep working on my assignments. And I will keep assuming that when I hear twice in one day, very good information about the assignment Kristopher gave me that I have been sceptical of, that it is Heavenly Father, once again, leading me. I don't know what else to think about it.

So the second good information I read that pertained to my assignment is from the "LDS Family Services Addiction and Recovery Program" book:


"How to do an inventory
Once we had admitted the need for step 4, the next questions became, “But just how do I do an inventory? What tools will I need?” An inventory is a very personal process, and there is no single right way to do it. You can consult with others who have already done an inventory and seek the Lord’s guidance in doing your own. He will help you be truthful and loving as you sort through your memories and feelings.

One way to do an inventory is to list memories of people; institutions or organizations; principles, ideas, or beliefs; and events, situations, or circumstances that trigger positive and negative feelings (including sadness, regret, anger, resentment, fear, bitterness). Some items on the list may appear multiple times. That is okay. Do not try to sort or judge or analyze at this point. For now, the most important thing is to be as thorough as possible.

As you do your inventory, look beyond your past behaviors and examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that led to your behavior. Your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are actually the roots of your addictive behaviors. Unless you examine all your tendencies toward fear, pride, resentment, anger, self-will, and self-pity, your abstinence will be shaky at best. You will continue with your original addiction or switch to another one. Your addiction is a symptom of other “causes and conditions” (Alcoholics Anonymous [2001], 64).

Some people group their lives according to age, grades in school, places lived, or relationships. Others
start simply by brainstorming. You will probably not remember everything all at once. Continue to be prayerful and allow the Lord to bring things to your remembrance. Leave this process open-ended, and add
to your inventory as your memories come.

Once you have finished your list, seek the Lord’s guidance in learning from each memory.

Freeing yourself from the past
Some people are concerned about looking into the past for fear of inadvertently creating false memories from vague or exaggerated impressions. In doing your inventory, consider only those memories that are plain enough to be addressed and sorted through. Here again, trusting God is the answer. If you conduct your inventory with sincere prayer, with real intent, having faith in Christ, you can trust Him to bring those things to your remembrance that will help in your recovery.

One glorious result of completing step 4 is that you take a major step toward freeing yourself from behaviors that defined your past. The reflection of yourself that you will see as you complete this step can inspire
you to change the direction of your life if you will let it. Because of the love and grace of the Savior, you do
not have to be what you have been. By calling on the Lord for guidance as you examine your life, you will
come to recognize your experiences as learning opportunities. You will find that uncovering weaknesses you have suffered with for so long will allow you to move forward to a new life.

Make an accounting of your life, past and present
Completing an inventory will take time. There is no need to rush through it, but you need to get started. Where you begin is not as important as eventually examining your past as far as your memory and the Lord’s inspiration will take you. Just write as memories come into your mind. What you write is private, and you will share it only with a trusted support person you will prayerfully select when you take step 5. Your inventory is about you and your relationship with yourself, with God, and with others. As you gather courage to see yourself as you really are, God will open your eyes, and you will begin to see yourself as He sees you—as one of His children with a divine birthright. Take this step, and keep your eyes on that birthright.

Remember your sins no more 
After you have completed your written inventory and when the time is right, those portions that include negative or angry expressions, accounts of personal transgressions, and any other sensitive matters that should not be shared with others or passed down to future generations should be destroyed. The destruction of these writings can be a symbol of your repentance and a powerful way to let go. The Lord promised Jeremiah concerning His people, “I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more” (Jeremiah 31:34). We should follow the Lord’s example in forgiving our own sins and the sins of others."

The LDS Family Services Addiction and Recovery Program is so full of truth that I can barely stand it. When I first went to therapy, Kristopher sent me to some of the addiction group meeting. I was in pain and desperate and I was going to do what ever it was he said. Because I needed relief. Because I needed guidance. Because I needed support. because I was going to do anything he told me because I had no more answers for myself.

But my friends and I were like.."what the what does he want me to go there for!!!!!??? Like for realsssss...What the whaaatttttt!!!!!????????"

I soon learned why. Some reasons which I won't share, and on top of that....There is maybe only one other place on planet earth that the Spirit is as strong as it is in those meetings. I received GREAT comfort and peace in those meetings. I received truth and quiet, lovely answers to problems from going to those meetings. Going to those first few meetings were maybe the most spiritual and peaceful moments of my life even amidst my deep personal sadness and hurts. Kristopher told me that the spirit goes where hearts are changing. Wow. What truth. What blessings. I have been so guided and so blessed and so led. I pray that that can continue.

I pray that I never share too much. I pray that all my sharing is done in a righteous desire to give to others and ease their troubles the way mine have been eased.

good night.

Tonight was a happy night for our whole family.

The big girls got to go to their school and play karaoke and some other fun stuff.

The big boys got to go with their Uncle Frank to Rhett's basketball game and out to Arby's for dinner. (A real treat for a boys from a family of eight. Thanks, Uncle Frank for doing my driving around tonight and supporting Rhett at basketball when Corey and I couldn't.)

The two little kids got to go to Aunt Sherri's to get babysat. They loved it. Thanks, Sherri!

And Corey and I got to go out for seafood with my work. It was a fun night. We stayed for three hours with the two "boys" (my coworkers) and their wives. It was great. And the food was delicious.

And here is what I have learned about calorie counting and sticking with it and still going out to eat. Actually, I don't know if I am doing it right or not. But I want to eat out for my work and not feel terrible. So..I do.

BUT (HUGE BUT) I still track EVERY calorie. If I go over I don't feel bad. I know it was my splurge. And tomorrow since I am aware of my overage, I will be very good and make it up. But if I did not track it and KNOW then it would be SO easy to just keep on splurging. That is one thing I have learned that I need to do. ALWAYS track your calories  (If that is how you manage your weight.) People always say "the calories don't count tonight." Well, the calories do count. And sometimes that is the way it goes. But it is good to face it. And I think it is okay to have a free meal sometimes but I am definitely tracking it still. So I can get back on track.

I was called Babe FOUR times today by one customer at work. We were laughing about it over dinner. It is a different dynamic having a girl at the boot store I think. It is mostly a man's place. They asked me if I hate being called all these names by men.

I had to say "No!"

I like it. I admit it. These men don't mean it degrading. At least I don't think so. I like pet names.

My work dinner was delicious. Escargot, sour dough garlic bread with three different kinds of butter,
fried jumbo shrimp with some sort of angry sauce.  Yum and spicy  Loaded bake potato and ice cream brownie. And delicious clam chowder. SO fun.

Good conversation. Lots of laughing. Excited for the Christmas season.

I can't help it. I like hats and big rings!

I really want to wear this cute little hat. I love this picture of this girl.

What can I say! I want to wear some hats! I think they are cute. I probably never will. A bit out of my comfort zone. But I just really really like them.

I. Love. Jennifer.

You guys!!! I did it AGAIN!

I have a problem with feeling too much and not thinking!!!!

I got super reactive a few appointments ago and thought Kristopher "thought" all these things about my treatment. And apparently he didn't. And I had a mini meltdown. Because sometimes I feel too much.

And if I would have used those crazy "So...what I hear you saying is...." techniques to get clarification on a few things he said, a lot of misunderstanding and struggle could have been avoided.

But I am NOT trained to talk like that. Well, okay, he trained me but I it is not second nature. It is something I definitely need to be aware of. Doesn't it make you feel so good and listened to when someone says to you..."So what I hear you saying is..." and then they give their best effort to have heard you and repeat what they understood.

Who knew communication is such an important tool. Well, I did actually. Why don't we spend  more time working on it then? Why aren't I training my own kids better in regards to it? Especially now that I know some of these things.

I have really committed to start teaching my children those crazy "what I hear you saying" techniques. Think of all the miscommunication they can be saved from. Especially when they become roommates or spouses.

Corey and I never practiced that technique before and I am wondering with application of that tool if lots of good healthy communication could have been created between one "communication deficient" boy and one "communication explosion of feeling" girl.

I am starting to wonder how many times in my marriage throughout my life have I assumed Corey feels a certain way and so I feel a certain way when he never really felt that way in the first place. He always says that I think he is at a "10" when I think he is upset about something when he is only at a "1". Does that make sense?

So I guess it is definitely something to work on.

I am going to start really being mindful of using that communication technique. It probably will feel weird at first but then i bet it just becomes second nature. And I know for a fact...when Kristopher uses that technique on me I feel very validated.

And trust me. I will NEVER wear

Velcro shoes

with enormous tongues

that are difficult to put on

when you are trying to have a freak out

and escape fast

...again.

Never in the history of all man kind has putting on one shoe during a freak out, while your being stared at by Kristopher, taken so long! And trust me...I am never going to have a freak out again. I am going to start using better communication so I quit making assumptions that may or may not be true. I am going to vow to be mindful of my thoughts. I am going to vow to do better with my positive proclamations also. Because I got called out for not doing that one too! I thought you just laid on a couch during therapy. Who knew I'd have so much work!