wahoo for projects!

Awww. I just got something accomplished.  And it feels GOOD! I haven't accomplished much for all winter it seems. (You know, aside from changing my whole life through therapy)

Today I decided we were moving the microwave and putting in a shelf and making more room for our cups.

This little tiny cupboard is where I keep cups for EIGHT people! It is ridiculodunkous!!!!

I once heard when you buy a house you should really focus on what the kitchen is like since SO much time is spent there. Well...I took one look at this.....cute little lofty time area.....and didn't care!!!!

And the kitchen is horrid. And that lofty area is my sanctuary.

Anyhoo...anytime there is a project to be done...Rhett is ALL over it. It is GREAT. and a tiny tiny bit annoying. 

But we got it done. I was so excited I used the sabor saw (I literally prayed before I started) and didn't mess up or cut my or Rhett's fingers off! I LOVE wood stuff!

Now I have to take old cupboard doors and restructure them a bit to cover this cupboard.  I am excited because it freed up much needed space in other areas.

Got me a little excited for a few more projects. Like my salt and pepper shaker collection shelves!

Today was Kristopher.   Wonderful wonderful visit. Peace, peace, peace. He told me today, after I shared with him somethings I learned from reading, that in a nut shell, I had just told him the whole reason I am in therapy. I had to agree with him. It has to do with that inner child thing.

I had seen a therapist right before Kristopher. It was a weird experience. I told Kristopher how much I had learned through all these reading assignments he kept giving me. I told him I couldn't understand why this other therapist did not give me one single reading assignment. Even if he had just told me to read "Boundaries" I would have been 50 percent ahead.

Kristopher is always so kind. He smiled and said "He wasn't trained to. He was trained to listen and help you feel warm and fuzzy." (okay, I doubt Kristopher said warm and fuzzy.)

Me..."Actually yeah, and it worked. But only for about two weeks and then I was in the same spot again."

Kristopher and I talked about how the therapy I am receiving isn't like any other therapy I would receive around here. Although I have received unmeasured amounts of compassion and comfort while seeing him, he isn't there to make me feel warm and fuzzy. He is there to teach me how to have permanent change. And the second I quit working and trying to progress, I wouldn't be able to see him for long. It takes too much of his energy to push people.

Anyhow... tomorrow if I have time...I am going to share a special treat with you all. Kate borrowed Justine's camera. Her pictures are too cute not to share!

Doesn't every little girl want a big brother to love her?

Kate is so lucky to have THREE.

Bo isn't very good to her though and Kate is convinced he hates her. She tries to hug him and he is mean to her. One time he did hug her and she was just so thrilled about it. I found a picture of him kissing her as a baby and tried to convince her that he DID love her after all. She bought it for a day or so.

Thank heavens for Nathan. He doesn't really want to be all cuddly with his siblings but I have trained him to tolerate it and do his best to fake it. (I hope that doesn't violate his own personal boundaries somehow...too much therapy for me, you think? ;)...) But Bo and Kate just adore him. It is a different dynamic, having big kids and little kids. In a way the big kids help parent and nurture. And when they do things to hurt the little kids that is just sibling stuff, I can't help but think the little kids see it as a big person (like a parent)  hurting them. Am I worrying too much? I just want them to treat each other nice. NOTHING will push me over the edge faster then my kids fighting.

Kate is a super needy little girl. And I am not doing so hot at filling up her neediness. She does not want to be alone EVER. I am hoping that with the combination of all these big kids  and a dad to love on her, that we have her emotional needs covered. If not.. I will just remember what my funny friend always jokes about...when her kids would complain about something she would tell them it would give them something to talk to their therapist about. Lol. Once she caught her kids making out and she made them write a dissertation about morality from the church leaders and scriptures. HILARIOUS PARENTING MOMENT! Maybe if I just accept they will be in therapy anyways I will quit fretting about their little needs all the time. Plus, look how fun therapy is!

Also let me give my little plug for how great it is for these big kids to have little siblings. Yes. Their lives are way inconvenienced. Yes, their things get broken and messed up. But they lessons they learn about it not being all about them is a gift.

Always trying to get love from him. She now has nick named him her "mama turtle" Yeah. he loves it. Pfffttt! He actually tolerates it which bust me up. He is ONE dang nice kid.

Bo and Kate are seriously a full time job!!!

Bo and Nathan sleeping opposite of each other. I love Nathan's big foot sticking out.

What is healthy?

What does healthy look like? Mentally healthy....

I have been spending months trying to figure it out.

I posted once before about Kristopher being an "even" person. Meaning...he's calm, rational, not going to get riled up by much, sensible, did I mention rational? And I mean rational in a way that most of us don't even realize is rational.....

I think someone could tell him he was the suckiest person on planet earth and he would not be affected by it. And I am learning to believe it is because he has done so much work on his self, that he 100% does not need anyone else to make him feel okay. He doesn't need addictions to feel okay. He doesn't need kudos to make him feel okay. He is just okay. Steady. Even. And he has been trying to show and teach me, that that is the point I want to get to. He says nothing feels better.

When I found so much comfort in his therapy, I told him once that I wasn't going to be able to find that comfort anywhere else and I didn't want to leave therapy...as in ever. As in...let me move into this office. I won't pack much, I won't make any noise, I won't eat your chocolate, I promise,...please please please....

Kristopher tells me over and over that the joy is finding that comfort inside yourself.  That you can get all that comfort and  love from within yourself.

I was doubtful and told him I didn't think anything would be as comforting as being in therapy. (Yes, I may have transferred my food addiction to therapy addiction....working on that one too!)

Him...."How do you know?"

Me.... contemplating...."Well, I guess I wouldn't know." Because I suppose I have never felt that much comfort in self.

I have felt that much comfort in food.I have felt that much comfort in validation from people. I have felt that much comfort in therapy. I have felt that much comfort from my babies needing me. But those are all things that are temporary. (unless you have six babies...then it feels like a long time...lol).

The true joy is finding that much comfort in self. In knowing you are okay NO MATTER what outside sources say or do.

Him....(kindly),..."That's right, you wouldn't know." ( I have yet to master the skill.)

I know another person who is even and steady like Kristopher is.

The other day I went to talk with my friend. She is the one I told you about who became a vegan and found her path to be a recovering food addict.While we were chatting we were discussing the highs and lows you go through as an unhealthy person. We discussed how sometimes when you are giving up your addiction you sometimes look for that drama because you are use to all that emotion. I really did that at first during therapy. I was having drama all the time. I couldn't figure out what the heck it was all about. I am so much less....crazy...now.

She said her husband is the most even person she knows. He doesn't get riled up or all sad and depressed, he just.....is. He gets that... sometimes life is going to be calm and mellow and maybe boring but he just accepts those times. He doesn't go looking for something or someone to "fill" him up every second. Just like Kristopher.

Wow. I realized at this point the answer, but I asked her anyways...."Is that what healthy looks like?"

"Yes. That is what healthy looks like."

Even. Steady. Unrocked by every change in the current.

I have been living quite a while with emotional ups and downs and looking to be fed. And feeding myself. Shoving all my emotions down with food. Which did work for a while. Until it took so much more away from me, that I had to give it up. Weird thing is,  until I gave it up, I didn't even really "get" that I was "using". I guess maybe I had an inkling. I must mention how grateful I am that Heavenly Father saw that it was time to teach me and give me the resources to lose the weight. I don't feel like it was my doing. I feel like I was sent help. I don't take that lightly. It is easy to just think people should lose weight. It is not about food. It is about addiction from trying to escape pain. Same as any other addiction. I am grateful I was giving the resources to see how to do it.

It seems like whenever I am about to learn a new concept, it is verified to me in a few other ways also. Does that mean I am hard headed or close minded? And God has to prepare my heart in several ways?

About this concept of just being even (that really is the best word for what I am describing) I had several exposures to it before I read about it. 1)My friend and  I talked about this, 2) I see this great example in Kristopher, 3) he and I talk about it, 4) and I read about the exact same thing in this new book Kristopher told me to read.

I'll admit it, this book freaked me out during the first chapters. The last thing I want to do is go to therapy and get a little bit quacky.  I don't know why exactly I think that could happen. Sometimes I just worry when someone is messing with your psyche. This book talks in depth about the "inner child" which just sounds quacky to me. And I think it makes me a little uncomfortable. But through reading two books that talk about the topic, I almost cannot deny the truth in it.

I emailed  Kristopher and he validated the book. He said he had read it and  that he really believed it. He said it was a scientifically proven theory and had helped in his own life. Because my trust level for Kristopher is so high, I continued on with the book. It soon quit freaking me out and I started to realize what I could learn from it.

Here is a brief overview of some of the book in regards to being an "even" healthy person. (From "Healing Your Aloneness" by Erika Chopich and Margaret Paul)

 It is about making your inner child and your adult come together in some sort of healthiness that stops addiction and codependency and creates inner peace and JOY. Some people's inner and adult child never separate and they have a "sense of wholeness within".  Sometimes "these two parts are disconnected  however because of being wounded, dysfunctional, or undeveloped, there is a sense of conflict, emptiness  and aloneness within."

When you inner adult and inner child are not working together.....

"....attempts to fill ourselves through addictions create low self esteem  anxiety and stress. These lead in turn to illness and magnify our feelings of aloneness, isolation, and emptiness. We generally feel internal conflict, since the Adult and Child are not working together to create harmony. We go through life feeling guilt and shame - guilt because we believe we are doing something wrong and shame because we believe there is something wrong with us as human beings."

but the contrast to that is when your Inner Adult and Inner Child are working together...you get...

(here is some of what it said that correlates with so much of Kristopher's behavior and what he has been trying to teach ME. He has been telling me and telling me how good it will be to get all this comfort from myself.)

"Personal Power and Softness"

"softness is the energy of warmth, tenderness, love, and power that emanates from people when they are in their Higher Selves. (This means their inner child and their inner adult are connected) At this moment they know and love themselves, do not shame or violate themselves and others, do not seek approval nor fear disapproval  are not self conscious  and do not take personally others' criticism, anger, or rejection. soft energy radiates from personal power, for when people know who they are, what they want, and how they feel, and they know they have the right to what they want and feel, then they cannot be dominated, controlled, or emotionally hurt by others. When we are in this state of owning our personal power we are beyond weakness, and beyond violence of any kind. We can afford to be soft because we are not weak."

And this is what Kristopher is like. This is who my friend's sweet husband is. Steady and even. Unaddicted and unswayed by every toss and turn. (sorry, a lot of weird water analogies I am throwing out here.) Not interested in moving into their therapist office for safety and comfort. They are already getting that from themselves.  They don't need outside sources to give it to them.

Apparently that is health.

And  true....

JOY.

I DID IT!!!!!

I

FINALLY got my blog turned into a book...

again.

You might recall the first time I finished formatting every single page into a "book" someone killed my lap top and it was lost. I was pretty darn sad. Because it wasn't fun and it probably y took 100 hours. And then I just had to do it again.

So...I got year one done. Again.

Presenting.....!!!!!!

(Officially lost 64 pounds since beginning therapy)

The rest of the kids are on the back cover...

I know this is a slightly odd picture of me and cousin Scott on the first page. But I didn't put many pictures of myself in this first year. So I didn't have much to choose from. :) Plus I like the picture. I think it is happy.

  I am quite happy with it. I am relieved it is permanently documented. It was worth the money and worth the time. I consider it my family history.

I think I am mostly done scrap booking. I use to live for it. But I am just NEVER going to get caught up. And I barely care to try at this point. Blogging is more fun and easier. And cheaper. So I might finish the little kids scrap books so they at least have some, but that is the end of that!

I miss Oreos.

A few weeks ago I was at Perkins with some girls friends. We were having a little over eaters support group session. Sadly, Perkins had the NERVE to have this picture on the table! I WANTED it! My friend hurried and threw the whole brochure on the ground for me. I have some true friends I tell you!

I really love Oreos. Really.

As we were walking out I spotted the most darling sight.

My friend's cute kids. Sitting there at like 10:30pm eating some kind of ice cream and fudge desserts.

I looked for my friends. No sign of them.

I asked A and H what they were doing there. They said they were being punished.

"Huh?"

"Me and my brother have been fighting all day so my dad gave me 25 bucks and left us here to get along. " They had dinner and everything.

PARENTING AT ITS FINEST!

I truly mean that. My friends are already very good parents. But I loved this punishment. These kids will remember it forever.

I loved the lightheartedness of it. Sometimes it is okay to just have some fun! I don't think every moment has to be some "fit the crime" consequence. No one should take parenting advice from me, but I just thought this was great!

Remember I told you Bo's primary teacher was a match made in heaven just for him? Here she is with her cute little class. They get to all put tape on their nose as a reward. So funny!

Just a little bit of nothing. Really, I mean it.

In two days I have worked twenty hours. Every other weekend I do that. I took this job because I wanted to get my work over with in a big chunk like that. It does have it's challenges though.

Sometimes I desperately miss being home with my children. It just feels so wrong to be gone. I was grateful my two big boys were happy to give me hugs when I got home. Nathan was giving me a lamo one and when I called him on it (I'm raising boys who can give a proper hug, For reals already!) He said he was trying NOT to hug Rhett (who was also hugging me). I thought that was cute and funny for some reason.

So even though I am sad about being gone, today however...I came home to a spotless (I am talking glowing washed walls) house. Corey and the kids cleaned all day and of course kids usually work better for their dad's. I was pretty glad I was gone for all of it! Yay! And...super appreciative that they all did it. Thanks, Corey, for heading it up.

I am grateful for Nick and Gus, my boss and coworker. they treat me so well and it feels nice. I told Gus I was going to have to buy myself new work shirts. I sort of hate the other ones Nick bought for me (even though he let me choose) and also I have lost weight and I don't want to wear those baggy shirts.

When I lost a lot of the weight I promised myself I wouldn't wear anything ever again that I didn't feel good in. When you are heavy, there are no great clothes on clearance racks, there are no great clothes. And I mostly wore things I felt terrible in. Also, I just felt terrible in general. I feel sad I neglected myself so long. But I also am trying to be kind to myself. I just don't think the time was right. I think I must have had some lessons to learn before I could get the weight under control. I am trying to exhibit great control in not splurging on new clothes, who knew it was going to be so fun!!!!

So... I was talking to Gus about this and how I was going to buy myself some new shirts. I have also trashed some of the other t-shirts I was given as well. It is messy there, oiling and gluing boots, etc ..and I am a general mess anyway when it comes to things like that. So I sort of felt like I couldn't ask Nick to buy me any more. Gus thought I should but I said, "nah".

Yesterday when I showed up at work there was a note from Nick telling me to pick out some new shirts. Gus must have told him. I know it is a little thing. But it is nice to be treated so well.

Today, "the boys" (Nick and Gus) went to a shoe convention and I managed the store.Towards the end of the day I received a picture text from Gus. It was of one of the boot guys we speak to on the phone often for ordering boots. Gus said he took the picture just for me because he knew I would want to see the face of the guy we spoke to all the time. I know it is ridiculous but those little things just make me feel so liked.

Today, I was in the big shoe tailor looking for shoes and I tripped over the step stool that I TOLD myself  "DO NOT LEAVE OUT". I went flying. I crushed a shoe box with such force that the connected lid ripped clean off. Now my knee hurts and my arm. So annoying. (I posted about this for my friend Tiffany P. who seems to get great amusement from my huge klutziness.)

Apparently the new friendliness level of Kassidy's drugged cat annoys her. I am so happy that he is medicated. So far his bad habit has completely GONE away. Banditt gets to live! He was so three feet out the door, guy. Also he even let Kate and Bo pet him. That usually doesn't happen. And his pills are cheap. Kassidy is annoyed by him. In her sleep he keeps bumping her on the head with his head trying to love on her. That darling thought alone makes me sort of like Banditt now. I took a cute picture of them. He was sleeping right on her pillow (a little yucky) right next to her head. So cute. I'll see if I can post it tomorrow.

Had a fun dinner out after work with Frank and Sherri. I love it when they let me crash their date night. Kassidy came and crashed also. It was fun. AND....I totally did not over eat. Even. though. I. wanted. more. But I was not hungry and I tried to listen to my body. Frank and Sherri love this pizza and we all shared. The pizza is just like cheese pizza only with slices tomatoes and basil on it. It is stunningly delicious. I don't know why. But it is.

I am really trying to earn my ring I showed you guys. I said when I lost 25 pounds I would by it for myself. My sweet friend Kirsten asked me how much it was. I am worried about the price. 65 dollars is a  lot when you have six needy kids. But I am doing it no matter what. I was telling Kirsten all this and she asked how much it was. When I told her she was like..."Shoot! I'll just go sell some plasma and you can get your ring." I don't know why but it was like saying to me, "You are worth 65 dollars, girl!" and it made me feel so happy. I love her. She loves me.

I decided I am going to get the bird ring I think. And I want "let go and let God" engraved on the inside. It is the AA slogan. I just love it. I also love their other slogan, "easy does it".  I have 20 pounds left to go to meet that goal.

Night!

Please help me with my home work. For reals...please help.

All my life I have been riddled with guilt. It is a miserable thing. I don't know why I have so much guilt or what started it. It does seem like it has died down as I have gotten older. Also, being married to Corey has leveled me out a bit because he just doesn't take time to worry about much and I don't think he suffers from guilt.

While reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, I learned that a lot of my guilt really was some codependency.

The book said to let go of guilt. Let go. Really? That would be such a gift.

The book has a chapter on loving yourself. I loved it! It was so sweet and gentle! Here is what it says...

           "We need to be good to ourselves. We need to be compassionate and kind to ourselves. How can we expect to take care of ourselves appropriately if we hate or dislike ourselves?"
           "We need to refuse to enter into an antagonistic relationship with ourselves."
            "Put the screws to guilt. Shame and guilt no longer serve a purpose. They are only useful to momentarily indicate when we may have violated our own moral code. Guilt and shame are not useful ways of life. Stop the "shoulds." Become aware of when we're punishing and torturing ourselves and make a concerted effort to tell ourselves positive messages. If we should be doing something, do it. It we're torturing ourselves, stop it. It gets easier. We can laugh at ourselves, tell ourselves we wont be tricked, give ourselves a hug (side bar...Uh...I have never in my entire life given myself a hug and I think that's weird!) then go about the business of living as we choose. If we have real guilt, deal with it. God will forgive us. He knows we did our best, even if it was our worst. We don't have to punish ourselves by feeling guilty to prove to God or anyone how much care....."
            "We need to stop shaming ourselves. Shame, like quilt, serves absolutely no extended purpose....Name one situation that is improved by continuing to feel guilt or shame. Name one time when that has solved a problem. How did it help? Most of the time, guilt and shame keep us so anxious we can't do our best. Guilt makes everything harder.
             "To honor the self is to refuse to accept unearned guilt, and to do our best to correct such guilt as we may have earned."
             "Deal with guilt. Get rid of the unearned guilt. Get rid of all of it. Guilt doesn't help. God will forgive us for anything we have done. Besides, I bet He doesn't think we've done as much wrong as we think we have."

So today Kristopher and I were discussing two separate choices I am attempting to make in my life. Each choice will affect my children in different ways. There will be pros and cons to each choice. One choice I really want to do. The other choice, which I may end up enjoying, I likely plain and simple need to do, but was never in my game plan of life.

(Let me just clarify that this choice has nothing to do with marriage. :) Phew! I just realized it was starting to sound like that for a minute.)

So as we were talking about it I was defeated because I just don't want these choice to affect my kids negatively. I don't want them to have to struggle. I want them to have all the joy and peace and love that I can offer them. I want to be available to them for their every need. Okay...not really. I let them struggle. I don't race to help them with homework if they leave it to the last minute, I don't mind if they have to walk somewhere even if they think they are dying, I make them ride the bus, I don't feel an ounce of guilt when Kassidy complains that she doesn't have her own car. Not. an. ounce.

But I just want to do RIGHT by them. As does any mom.

And I don't want my children's struggles to be my fault.....AT.ALL.

I. CANNOT. STAND. THE. GUILT.

I MEAN. IT.

I CANNOT. STAND. THE. GUILT. (I'll be in trouble for that, you are suppose to tell yourself you CAN stand things.)

When I told Kristopher my plan of not wanting them to struggle at all, he got a little smarty pants on me. He gave me a dumb "exercise" to ask mothers of grown children if they have guilt.

I told him that it was a sarcastic "exercise" because I already knew they were going to say yes because I am sure all mother's have guilt of one kind or another.

And I think that is what he is trying to teach me. Any choice I make in life will probably affect my kids in some way. I am just a human and going to make mistakes and nothing can be perfect and our children are going to be affected regardless just out of the sheer circumstances life throws at you.

So I guess I need to lose the guilt. Because I can only do what I can do. And it is good for our children to struggle just as it is good for us to struggle.

Kristopher has somehow turned every struggle into a good thing. I think he really believes that struggling is good. Okay...he does. He really believes that struggling is good because of who you become from the struggle.

So since I already "got" the point of the idea I don't think I need to do the exercise anymore.

But Kristopher says..."It's an e.x.e.r.c.i.s.e" and I still have to do it.

I love Kristopher but if I am going to do any exercises it better burn some calories!!!! I mean come on already!!!!!!!!

So if your are a  mother with grown children, if you could just send me a note in regards to your guilt I would be able to complete my homework.

AND....to show you all some love for helping me with his assignment, I present to you this little picture I took the other day after my shower.

See it? A PERFECT sudsy heart! I didn't even make it. It was just there!

So cute, right?

Also...I still adore M&M's, (especially the brown ones, they are my favorite. The orange ones are pretty yummy too. I know color doesn't change flavor but really they do taste better. I am still mad about blue. It just isn't right. I liked light brown the best).BUT my main staple these days is this....

I cook a big batch of all these vegetables (zucchini, yellow squash, mushrooms, broccoli  cauliflower, sweet potatoes, no onions, I love them but they hate me) and some salmon and I eat it every single day.  I really really like it and low calorie!

Your taste buds really do change.

weight loss, 12 steps, God

When people ask how I have lost weight I always tell them through therapy  They look at me funny and they don't believe me.

"No, what are you really doing."

"I am really going to therapy...oh yeah...and I count calories."

But counting calories has been made possible through therapy. And good friends, who go through the same food problems. And little support groups I have made up. And reading blogs about people who have already been able to get their eating under control. And 12 step programs.

Over a year ago, I had a good friend who lost 50 pounds through Weight Watchers. I was amazed. I kept telling myself and her that I was going to join her and sign up. She encouraged me the entire time. I never joined in time and then I watched her gain her weight back. It shook me quite a bit. I'll admit it. If she couldn't stick with it...then how could I ever? I was really sad that she hadn't made it because I knew then, if she couldn't, then I couldn't either.

She kept fighting. She introduced me to the idea of going to the 12 step program and following the 12 step book. The LDS church has a series of them for different addictions and family members of addicts. I didn't really know what to think. It seemed a little out there. I mean is it that complicated? Just don't eat so much. Also, I wasn't addicted.

But then I figured out...I was. And that it is.

This little love affair I have with food is really addiction. It is not just because food tastes good.

I quickly learned that I was already at step one. I was powerless over food. I was truly powerless and I knew it. I had no idea how I was going to get myself out of this mess. I had no clue. And I had zero power to do so.

I had watched a show called Intervention. The man was going to rehab, and in the car on the way there was having one last hit of cocaine before they put him in. I. knew. that. feeling. He was me and I was him. Addicted. and powerless.

But when I started to go to therapy, Kristopher gave me power back over my life in many, many ways. And I was able to begin to control my eating. And then line upon line (like Heavenly Father does) I have learned about addiction and how it relates to me.

Early in therapy, it was suggested by Kristopher that I go to the church's 12 step program for some other things, including codependency.

I. LOVED. IT. THERE.

The peace at those meetings exceeds the peace I have felt EVERYWHERE else but one place.

The people at those meetings have been broken. And they are humble. And accepting. And loving. And true. And beautiful.

I have been struggling lately with giving up food.

My friend who lost the fifty and then gained it back, finally found her way. She found it through the 12 step program and through some measures that were extreme, but worked for her. She went on a twenty plus day water fast  (no, I'm not kidding, she is tough as nails.) and then went to a clinic and became a vegan. She learned some things there. I do not know all the details but when she came back she was committed to this life style. I visited her once after seeing that she was struggling with sadness. She told me that she COULD NOT go back to her addiction. Something literally changed in her brain and she COULD NOT go back. And she was left with a lot of crying  And battling through emotional feelings without being able to turn to her addiction to sooth her. So she cried.

I recently can relate to her.

I didn't realize how much I was using food to cope. How much joy and companionship it was giving me. But the past few months I have felt very unsettled. And sadish and like there was nothing to look forward to anymore in life. I am missing my friend (food).

 But I, like Janet, can no longer go back to food. I know too much now. And I know if I binge (which is the way I get relief through food) I will be so sorry later. So sorry that the binge just isn't worth it anymore. And I don't get the same enjoyment from it anymore.  But without the food I am left feeling...I don't even know what. Alone. Unsettled. Stranded. Bored. Empty. Uneasy. Restless. Frustrated.

So today I found myself being propelled to go to a 12 step meeting. I desperately wanted to feel that spirit that I know is there. And I really felt like Heavenly was sending me. I didn't even know which one I was going to for sure. I just went.

And so I sat there with addicts. Drugs, alcohol  sex, pornography, prescription drugs, codependency, food and more. And these people were beautiful. And we were all the same. Fighting addiction.

When it was my turn to "share" I did. I told them I didn't know if this was a stage in addiction but that I missed my friend. I missed my addiction. I told them I didn't know if I was in the right place (I have heard that some don't believe in food addiction compared to these other addictions) but I know that I have been powerless."

The drug addict next to me kept shaking his head yes. He understood. He confirmed that missing your addiction must just be part of it. And afterwards he turned to me and so sweetly told me I was in the right place. The love and grace of the people in there astounds me. They have had weaknesses and challenges that many may judge. But the gifts they have been given because of their addiction exceed things you learn the easy way.

On the way to the group I prayed. Why was I feeling like I should go? Was it real or was it just a thought I got stuck on. "Help there to be a reason why I am going."

The step the group was on is Hope. I learned...I have been FORGETTING to call to God when I am uneasy and unsettled and bored and unsure and lonely and missing my addiction. I barely even think to ask Him for help. I keep thinking I just have to fight the fight through earthly ways. Kristopher, friends, support groups, sheer will power.

I don't call out for help enough. I haven't "become willing to replace trust in ourselves and our addictions with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ." I haven't "experienced the truth that the foundation of recovery from addiction must be spiritual." (from the LDS Family Services Addiction and Recovery Program handbook) I cried when we read that out loud. I am still, after all I have been learning, missing the glue that will make this stick. Missing the real Peace-giver. Missing the real Comforter. "The Lord is a partner in this recovery."

So now I know (or have been reminded) where my work needs to lie.

My girls were the cutest things ever yesterday.

Kassidy had her first car accident. I have been really proud and impressed that she has made it to 18 1/2 with no accidents.( I had two accidents with two parked cars before I was even seventeen! For reals??!!!!)

I admit when Kassidy burst unexpectedly through the front door in tears after her early morning seminary class, that I had flashbacks to when she was in fourth grade and use to come home after school wailing from being bullied.

It hurt for a minute to remember all the pain she was in as a fourth grader. I am so thankful I was led to the charter school where she has been safe ever since.

Kassidy and Justine were both teary from their first accident. I thought it was so sweet and innocent as they both came home freaked out.

Aside from it being MY DAD'S truck (ouch)  it wasn't serious and no one was hurt. The other car spun around on the ice and hit the front driver side of the truck. Don't worry, it is okay, my dad already hit a cow in that exact spot. Lol. That's is what he told me when I called him. I was grateful for his merciful spirit and not being angry about the accident.

The other driver had rolled down his window and told Kassidy, "this is my first accident, what do I do?" Kassidy and I laughed about that because she is still basically a kid and didn't really know either.

The girls both had to also comment how cute he was. Leave it to Kassidy to be hit by a cute boy!

I just finished working two 9 hour days. I start out Friday happy for a change of pace, and end Saturday night, tired! I easily convinced my boss that we should organize the "kitchen" which is a microwave and a mini refrigerator on a stand. He was game and bought me two organizers which I requested  I was able to organize first aid, personal items, plates, condiments, etc  It is awesome .

Organizing makes me super happy.

My boss laughs at me when I get him to admit how much he likes the "kitchen".

I am happy that while I was working, Corey and the kids spent good time together going on a little hike, going on a drive, and having pizza for dinner. Now they are staying up late to watch movies.

Night!

P.S. I forgot to mention that I think the accident was really a good little life experience for them.

Wow. What. in. The. World. (Also, stupid blog hates me sometimes. That's why it is all funky colors, grr)

I think...

 I have an inner child.

Who. Knew.

Actually you do too. I think everyone does. 

According to Wikipedia (I shortened some of it so maybe it shouldn't be in quotes anymore, lol) "In popular psychology, inner child is our childlike aspect. It includes all that we learned and experienced as children before puberty." "The Twelve-step program recovery movement considers healing the inner child to be one of the essential stages in recovery from addiction, abuse, trauma, or post-traumatic stress disorder." ""inner child" refers to all of the sum of mental-emotional memories stored in the sub-conscious from conception thru pre-puberty" "John Bradshaw, a U.S. educator, pop psychology and self help movement leader, famously used "inner child" to point to unresolved childhood experiences." 

All my work in preparing you to read this post about the hoke inner child thing, and Kristopher said it is not that far out there. That lots of people know and believe in the inner child. That is has been around for a LONG time.

I admit, sometimes in my past I may have been a little cynical and judgmental about some of these psychological things. I might have said..."Who cares, move on, toughen up". 

But, I am learning how much some of these psychological concepts really have truth to them and can affect your life. They may not be affecting your life, so it easy to call them silly. 

But if they are affecting your life, learning about these things can be sanctifying. I didn't know about these things. I didn't know how freeing "knowing" was going to be.

 This week I was reading my "Codependent No More" book. An assignment of Kristopher's. 

The author was giving several ways for codependents to become healthier. Her step 2 was..."Nurture and cherished that frighted, vulnerable, needy child inside us. The child may never completely disappear  no matter how self-sufficient we become. Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we least expect it."

I was just reading along like in  any other self help book when I read that the author had a dream. It turned out to be symbolic of the inner child. 

I cried when I read the end of the dream. The symbolism was to me, heart breaking. 

 And I couldn't bear to read the end of the dream again and I don't want to share it, I'm keeping it for me. 

But it touched me and hurt me. Just like the movie, "The Help", I can't bear to watch that suffering little girl again, when her maid tells her one last time, "You is kind, you is special, you is important." Can't bear it. That part made me ugly cry. Fo reals!

When I told Kristopher about the author's dream I cried a little and told him the story broke my heart. The reaction (or non reaction) from the little girl wounded a part of me. 

He wanted to know if I knew why.

I let him give me the answer. It's easier when he is willing.

He said it was because the little girl...

was me.

And I couldn't deny it was true. 

When I looked up from crying, I swear his eyes were moist. 

Because he already knew I had an inner child. And he has been helping HER all along.

I just didn't realize it until this week. 


P.S. It helps for me to be able to identify this. It lessons the confusion inside of me. You may not understand  this post. But I have faith that the people who need it, will understand.

It helps for me to know that we shouldn't "pound on that vulnerable child when he or she doesn't want to stay in the dark all alone, when he or she becomes frightened.  We don't have to let the child make our choices for us , but don't ignore the child either. Listen to the child. Let the child cry if he or she needs to. Comfort the child. Figure out what he or she needs." -Melody Beattie

A little late Christmas post!

I literally felt like I had just put up the tree a few months ago. But here we are again!

Bo

Nathan

and Kate convinced Uncle Frank.... more than once....to lift her up to the top of the tree to hang ornaments. Big old softy did it too!

Our church does the best Christmas party ever. It is a BREAKFAST!  Totally fits into the schedule much easier than a dinner. And Santa goes to our church. And visited the kids at the breakfast. Surprise  He had to hand out candy canes for weeks after Christmas because the kids kept seeing him at church and knew he was still Santa.

And we have Mrs. Claus as well. See her?

Of course Kate adored him. Little cutie.

Bo

Kassidy!

I love these two. They may look like Santa and Mrs. Claus to you but I get the great privilege of knowing their true identity. There are not two better people on the face of the universe. Good, good people. 

He actually is also in some Bible videos and that is why he is still sporting his beard. Much to Corey's mortification, one day I told my friend I just had to feel his beard for a few minutes. He let me. Everyone should try it. Haven't you ever just wanted to squish and feel a huge fluffy beard? I know you have.

Isn't she the cutest thing alive? I have deep deep love for her. Just two Sundays ago she was blessing me with the peace she brings. She brings peace just through her presence. She is so loving and kind and beautiful and wise and we were talking about my therapy (big surprise  and she was encouraging me and I felt so much better after we spoke. Love her.

Yesterday in my Rhett post I totally spaced mentioning two other funny things about Rhett. We were getting ready for church and I could tell Corey had turned on the furnace. That NEVER happens. We always just heat by wood. But it has been FREEZING. When I mentioned to Rhett that the furnace was on he was a bit confused and stunned.

Him..."What?"

Me..."You know the furnace?"

Him...Confused.

Me..."You don't know what the furnace is?"

Him...Confused.

Me..."Yea, there is a little button you push and hot air instantly floods into the house."

Him....Confused. "You mean we have been making a fire for no reason and chopping all the wood for no reason?!!!!!!"

He was stunned. It was so funny. I explained that it wasn't for "no reason". That is saved us a lot of money. But it was so funny how shocked and indignant he was that there was a button that allowed hot air in our house.

The boys work hard to keep us supplied with fire wood and warm fires!

I forgot the other thing....I'll think of it later.