"Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you."

I have been so so grateful for the opportunity to go to therapy. At first, after every session, I would be so overwhelmed with gratitude and relief for the clarity and peace I was given, that I would just have to text Kristopher and tell him. I have almost felt a little guilty. Why me? Why do I get this gift when so many others don't get the opportunity of such goodness and compassion? What did I do so different to deserve this? But I don't know as though I had to do anything to deserve it. Heavenly Father just gave it to me because it was my time.

But I do think Heavenly Father gave me this opportunity because He knew I would share it. Because I am a huge blabber mouth expressive person. And  I realized the other day that I can share more of Kristopher with you! I forgot that I could give you all the links to his segment on a radio show. So here is a few. If you like them it would be nice if you comment or email the radio guy so he knows people are benefiting from this radio segment. His latest one is really great but it hasn't been posted yet. He told me he is quite thoughtful about these shows and even prays about them.

http://www.eastidahonews.com/2012/01/address-your-brain-hygiene-to-combat-insomnia/

and

http://www.eastidahonews.com/2012/01/teenage-suicide-numbers-are-higher-than-you-realize/

About that picture of Kristopher....that (to me) looks absolutely NOTHING like him. I keep telling him he needs a new one. I don't think he looks so formal in real life. I don't know who that picture even is of. But not him. Okay, it is him, but he just looks different to me. I will try to take one to show you. I know I keep saying that.

So back to the book "The Four Agreements"...

The Second Agreement

Don't take anything personally. Nothing
others do is because of you. What
others say and do is a projection of their own
reality, their own dream. When you are
immune to the opinions and actions of others,
you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

"If someone gives you an opinion and says, "Hey, you look so fat," don't take it personally because the truth is that person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs  and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours. Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up.

"You eat all their emotional garbage  and now it becomes your garbage. But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity to poison in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.

"As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won't need to place your trust in what others do or say, You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices."

"As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won't need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. ....When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others."

Interesting stuff!  All that black magic stuff is because the book is from century old Toltec knowledge and that is how they explained it in the book. I found it an interesting symbolic idea.

So Tuesdays are still my favorite day. Rhett and I got our free piece of bread and our dollar ice cream cones and it was blissful. He and I always get the same flavors. We never try anything new. He always gets cookies and cream and snickers and I always get chocolate with peanut butter. Also I like todays because  I get to visit my parents for a bit because they drive him to basketball while I go to "group". I also work a few hours and it is just a busy happy day. I like going to group because it involves sitting and chatting with girls for a few hours. And I like women. They make perfect sense to me.

And then as I was driving to pick up Rhett my most favorite song (for like 6 months now) came on the radio and I HAD to dance and move to it in the car. I just can't sit still when a really great song comes on. One day Justine's friend saw me and tild Justine about it the next day at school. So Justine was mortified. I can't help it. I feel happy when music is on!

Be impeccable with your word and you won't believe what was inside my bag of M&M's!

I am reading a GREAT book.

Occasionally in therapy Kristopher would say..."read this book." And I would. Because I love assignments.  And I love books. And I love to shop for used books on Amazon. And I love a nightstand full of books just cluttering the table up. Sometimes I think Kristopher was actually surprised that I would read his assigned books.

Nowadays I just say to him "what is my next book?"

So this was my next book. (I paid less then five dollars for it including shipping)

When I first read what it was about I knew why Kristopher assigned it to me. I have had a few problems with these topics during therapy.

I decided to go over each "agreement" on my blog because I want my kids to learn about them.

Holy cow do I think these "agreements" are VALUABLE.

The First Agreement 

Be impeccable with your word. Speak

with integrity. Say only what you mean. 

Avoid using the word to speak against

yourself or to gossip about others. Use the 

power of your word in the direction of

truth and love.

This "agreement" talks about how powerful our word is. The spoken word is a gift that is straight from God.

"The word is so powerful that one word can change or destroy the lives of millions of people" And the author uses the example of Hitler. "some years ago one man in Germany, by the use of the word, manipulated a whole county of the most intelligent people. He led them into a worlds war with just the power of his world. He convinced others to commit the most atrocious act of violence."

He says..."The human mind is like a fertile ground where seeds are continually being planted. The seeds are opinions, ideas, and concepts." 

"One fear or doubt planted on our mind can create an endless drama of events. One word is like a spell, and humans use the word like black magicians, thoughtlessly putting spells on each other. "

"Every human is a magician, and we can either put a spell on someone with our word or we can release someone from a spell."

I thought this was so interesting! And true. Someone could simply say "Hmmm, you are so stupid." Then you take that "agreement" on yourself and think you are so stupid. "Then one day someone hooks your attention and using the word, lets you know that you are not stupid. As a result you no longer feel or act stupid. A whole spell is broken just by the power of the  word. Conversely  if you believe you are stupid, and someone hooks your attention and says, "Yes, you are really the most stupid person I have ever met," the agreement will be reinforces and become even stronger."

I suppose as you get older you might have the ability to fight believing these things that others may say. But as a child you likely don't. And the words we use as parents is extremely important. You probably have all seen this floating around Face Book.

So it goes on to say we should be impeccable with our word. "Impeccable comes from the Latin pecatus,which means "sin". The im in impeccable , means without," so impeccable means without sin."

The author talks about how when we use the word for bad we are sending emotional poison out which also hurts ourselves. And it is also a sin to reject yourself.

The author tells a story about a mom who was tired from work  Her cute little girl was singing away. The mother lost it and said to be quiet and that her singing was terrible. The little girl would never sing again and forever thought she was a terrible singer.

"How many times do we do this with our own children? We give them these types of opinions and our children carry that black magic for years and years" So true.

I LOVED what it said about gossip. The author calls it the worst form of black magic. He calls it pure poison. And after reading this....I wholeheartedly agree. And I am ashamed of anytime I ever took part in it.

He says "Gossiping has become the main form of communication in human society. It has become the way we feel close to each other, because it makes us feel close to each other, because it makes us feel better to see someone else feel as badly as we do"

"Imagine that every single time others gossip to you, they insert a computer virus into your mind, causing you to think a little less clearly every time.. Then imagine that in an effort to clean up your own confusion and get some relief from the poison, you gossip and spread these viruses to someone else."

It just goes on and on with some really valuable insights.

Basically "when you become impeccable with your word, your mind is no longer fertile ground for words that come from black magic. Instead it is fertile for the words that come from love."

The author talks about how important it is to use loving impeccable words on YOURSELF. He says to use the "word" to break up all those little things that have possible hurt us as children (Like the girl who was told she couldn't sing).

I am already almost done with the book. It has been a simple little read so far and very enlighting  I had to have an emergency session with Kristopher today. That hasn't happened in more then eight months. I have been having a lot of anxiety over some things going on within myself. We discussed this book. When I told him about something I had learned and how interesting I thought it was his whole face lit up and he was seriously so pleased I had "got" it.

Okay...on to more important things.

I have the dearest friends. Stunning Kirsten being one of them.

Today she brought me this little treat...

A BAG OF M&M's with ALL brown in them.I was so stunned when I opened the bag. I was like "what connections DO YOU HAVE that could get me a sealed packet of M&M's with ALL BROWN in them?"

She confessed she opened up the back and taped it back up. ha ha. I was so stunned I hadn't even thought of that! Duh!

Sweet friend!

real

I taught my lesson today at church.

Kristopher would have been very proud of me and that feels good. To have him proud of me. Although I had planned to teach my lesson this way before I knew he would be proud.

I told the sisters about my journey through therapy, as I felt it applied to the topic. My journey through having my faith in God's love for me renewed, even though I still struggle with it. My journey through coming to terms with the blessed knowledge that trials are really the "best news of the day", because that is when you receive such growth. My journey with the church's addiction and recovery program. About the times I thought about just driving myself straight into the telephone poles I would see, as I drove my kids to their many appointments.

I think I may have traumatized a few people. Several people told me, "You surprised me, you seemed so put together!"

And I was glad. I WANT to expose the hurt that WE ALL ARE GOING THROUGH. Because we ARE! That is why we are here!!!! To be challenged. So why are we surprised when life is.... CHALLENGING US OR THOSE AROUND US? No matter how put together we "seem", we are all battling SOMETHING.

And I told them that it turns out, 

rock bottom is a beautiful place to be.

I shared this lady's story

 and HER beautiful message of giving up her life for Christ and Him giving her a new and beautiful life. Please buy and read this book. Please please please. I think we should all donate to her charity. I am going to. If we all gave even ten dollars a month???? Think of what it could do for those kids! Easy PEASY!!!

I know Kristopher would be proud of my lesson because afterwards more than one sister thanked me for saying it like it is. One sister told me  how brave I was and how proud of me she was for sharing. One sister told another sister I had born my soul to them. And I had.

Last time in therapy Kristopher told me about a man who gave a talk in Sunday School and admitted to every one right then and there that he had been a porn addict for many years. That he had been in recovery for 8 months. Kristopher said he told the man that he was his best friend now. He was proud of this man for saying it like it is. For admitting his struggles. For not putting on pretense and pompous.

I think the time for us to just be "real" has come. None of us want to hurt alone. None of us want to think we are the "only" ones. We are not perfect. Our children are not perfect. Our lives are not perfect. Let's be not perfect together with love and support for one another.

I want you to hold my hand and help me through. And I want to hold yours. I want to love the sinner. And I want to be loved also, because I too am a sinner. And I know from the Spirit I have felt at those addiction recovery meetings in those rooms full of non perfect people, that God loves the sinner. That is a truth I KNOW. So He loves me.

Can we all be non perfect together? Can we all have non perfect children together? Can we all have non perfect houses together? Non perfect lives? Non perfect marriages? Non perfect M&M packages??? Only two brown tonight!!! Grr. Can we just all be real?

Just a Friday!

I worked today. My boss, Nick, was there most of the day. I like him. He's funny and easy going. He laughs a lot. He tells stupid jokes. He likes that my favorite thing to do at work is package the boxes for delivery. We found lots to package today just for fun. He knows I am tape deprived so he still lets me use as much as I want without ever commenting. We tried to find as many as we could to torture our UPS guy. We were proud of all we had and then the UPS man was a sub. Major bummer.

Gus likes to call me and pretend to be a rude customer. And I fall for it every darn time. Then he laughs so hard and I feel like a idiot for falling for it. The other day I ran out of gas right by the store. Nick and Gus were both working and Nick let Gus leave and come help me. I like them both.

When I was at work today Corey kept Kate very busy and they had lots of fun. I am very happy about that. Working has been good in that way. The kids get dad all to their selves and it is a great thing.

I love her in her penguin hat ( I have an owl! lol) that Kassidy gave her for her birthday. I think it is funny that she is a penguin feeding the ducks. I know, dumb.

I seriously have anxiety just seeing her this close to the water. For reals. It's a good thing I wasn't there to rub fear into her.

sledding!

I figure a bag of M&M's into my calories every night. Jillian said it was okay. I eat them one by one and color by color. I always start with blue because that color annoys me. I usually save orange or yellow for almost last because I like those fallish colors. BROWN IS ALWAYS LAST. It is my favorite. But they always put the least of brown in the bags and the most of blue. It's ridiculous. Tonights bag only had FIVE brown! What in the world!

Yesterday was Kristopher. I left with great peace and more healing. I am following the steps in the "Healing Your Aloneness" book. If you ever read the book the steps seem a little....um...out there interesting. But I am doing it. He told me he did it and I am doing it.You have to do the work to have mental health. You just do. He wants me to bring my journaling to share with him. I said I couldn't because he would make me read it out loud and there was NO WAY I was doing that. He agreed that if I bought it I could decide the rules around how I shared it. I am super happy about that. I don't even know why but I am.

When I told him I was embarrassed for him to read it he says he doesn't understand. If you are a seeing a Dr  you aren't embarrassed for him to see your insides if you are having a surgery or something. So since he is a "Dr" of the brain it makes no sense to be embarrassed about what I have going on in there. Okay, none of that was his exact words but that is the gist of it. Later I was like...HUH???? Uh, yes I am too embarrassed when I go to the Dr. and they have to look at certain parts. I can think of LOTS of procedures I would be embarrassed to have done regardless if that Dr. is a specialist in that area. But...I didn't think of saying that till later. Oh well. Doesn't really matter.

Super hero psychotherapist says the only way out of your problems is through them. And that is what we are doing. Going through them. Grateful for the gift of compassion and clarity he gives to me. I'll be brave and take a picture of him next time so you can see him.

Did you guys know I have glasses? I never wear them and don't really need them. But they were free and I desperately wanted to be one of those cute girls who wears fancy glassed. I want to wear them to therapy so I look smart and fancy next time. But I think I am just too chicken. Should I?

I didn't realize that glasses really are such a pain. It is like I have something in between my eyes and the world and it is sort of annoying. Have you noticed people are wearing really LARGE glasses these days? Like the young girls are...And Justine and I agreed that we REALLY....like them! They look so cute.

Speaking of huge glasses...I love that I can steal pictures off of FB. Found this one of my darling at school with a friend in science goggles.

Okay...I have to go now. I have to get my Sunday lesson finished. Terror. And I only have seven M&M';s left. Boo.

plain and simple chaos!

I really prayed hard today that I might have more compassion for others. I have witnessed it lately, a friend who can weep for other's pain. It is beautiful. I want my compassion for other's to increase.

"The ultimate source of a happy life is warm-heartedness. This means extending to others the kind of concern we have for ourselves. On a simple level we find that if we have a compassionate heart we naturally have more friends. And scientists today are discovering that while anger and hatred eat into our immune system, warm-heartedness and compassion are good for our health." -The 14th Dalai Lama

So today I learned something fairly AMAZING. Did you even know that the Chinese food cartons totally open up INTO. A. PLATE!!!!!!

It is 100% true. I saw it on "Anderson". They showed one. Where has that knowledge been all my chinese eating years! I really like that show "Anderson". He's funny.

I have to give the lesson this Sunday in Relief Society (the women's meeting). I am 100% terrified. I have only been working on it EVERY DAY!! So hard.

And...I  just can't stand this....

It is horrifically fabulous!!!! I adore it.

Justine is so terrified of sharks. Did you know we are going to One Direction in California this year? I want to go whale watching. I mentioned it to Justine and she almost panicked right there in front of me! She got all shivery and couldn't even talk about it. She's me. And my mom. All phobia'd out.

Today I had to do something super tragic. Remember Justine's yummy birthday cake? It was really one of the best ones ever. 

At my friend's kid's wedding, they had a sheet cake. My other friend, Viki, who has taken all these classes on cake decorating, has become quite the expert. She made this cake for me in trade for ironing for my other friend whom I traded for pictures....Make sense?

Isn't that outstanding?

She and I were discussing how the sheet cake frosting was made out of shortening. 

I. COULDN'T. BELIEVE. IT!

UHHH!!!! GROSS!!!!!!

But it tastes so good. And I know if it is good frosting if it makes my teeth STING.For reals.

So when we made Justine's cake we got the recipe from Viki how to make that frosting. And it truly was to die for. 

However...yesterday I had the weakest food day ever. I ate and indulged. If I do that I do not consider it a failure if I plan it out. Like I know we are going somewhere and I am going to eat (Like Nacho cheesy goodness at the super bowl party). But when I just start going crazy with whatever and I am just eating... then it is a failure. 

And yesterday the leftover frosting in the freezer and the graham cracker's in the cupboard....called my name. And that combination has more calories in it than my whole daily allowance.

And they were DELICIOUS.

And today...brace yourselves, this is so very terrible....I dumped the rest of that wonderful frosting down the sink. I certainly "should" have saved it for a cake for later. But I couldn't have it around me. It is stronger than me. 

And now it is gone. *Cry*

Here is the recipe for you though!!!!

1/2 cup Crisco (I KNOWWWW, SO TERRIBLE!!! It is almost not even a food item! It's almost like eating Vaseline!)

1/2 tsp vanilla

1/4 tsp Salt

4 Tbls water

1 pound sifted powder sugar.

And she said you could use other flavors besides vanilla.  I don't even know what to do with that information! Does that mean you can make it strawberry? Or Lemon? Or Mint? Hallelujah!

Nice sister!

Yesterday I was in the bathroom getting ready for church. I hear Corey, who was crawling out of bed, and Kate bump heads. She tells him sorry even though apparently it was his fault. I hear him so sweetly tell her..."You don't have to say sorry, I'm the one who says sorry."

Maybe I am getting too weird with all my therapy. But I have to say I thought that was the sweetest conversation ever. I was so grateful he taught that to her. I don't know if she will remember it. I don't know if it will alter her life. I don't know. 

I know that for all of my life I have apologized for things. I have taken responsibility for things that aren't even my responsibility.  I apologize for things I HAD NOTHING to do with. Someone can trip and I have nothing to do with it, and I apologize!

I can't remember for sure but I do believe I learned somewhere from all my reading that it is a symptom of being codependent. I really have learned to like the important concept that people need to feel their own feelings. Sadness, hurt, whatever. I can't and shouldn't do anything about it (you know, other than show compassion). If I try to take away all the pain it is actually doing a disservice to the other person because they don't get to learn the lessons that come along with their feelings. That has been a relief to me.

Tonight we went and saw Lincoln. I quite enjoyed it. I have not been a fan of Daniel Day-Lewis. But I really enjoyed him as Lincoln. I might have to like him after all. Plus I love the fact that he has been married to the SAME wife for 16 years. Go Danny! 

I know very little about history. I had the weirdest history teacher known to all man kind. And then, the other one I had was the meanest history teacher known to all mankind (Although he did a good job). So I don't know if Lincoln was really like this or if this was just the spin they put on him in the movie, but I absolutely loved how gentle he was. He seemed so very loving and kind to everyone. He seemed humble. I super liked that.

My friend, Linda, is going back to school for history. She LOVES it. I am excited for her new adventure and I am excited for her to share all her new knowledge with me.

Kate breaks my heart sometimes. She almost can't be made happy. I play with her but then she is so mad and pouty when I stop. If I don't want to hold her she gets mad and pouty. I just so worry that she is empty in her bucket of getting enough lovin's. I try to love her whenever she asks but it is just never enough for her. She has convinced the neighbor's kittens to like her. She has been working VERY hard at gaining their friendship. She tells them "No one else will be friends with me". 

Super heart break!

I LOVE that Justine was willing to wear the Powder Puff Girl wig in order to be Emily Elizabeth to Kate's Clifford. Nice sister.

books!

I bought this book (for super cheap... you know it!!!!)

after Kristopher recommended it to a friend of mine. It has been a super quick read. Or I guess it would be but I stopped to read this one (I am so ADHD sometimes)

I already knew this book was going to be outstanding. I am only in chapter three and it is beautiful. And beautiful and beautiful. A must buy. You should seriously own it. Even though it is not a penny.

The Thinking, Changing, Rearranging book is about how to improve self esteem in children. I know....blah blah, right? I have always been annoyed by the whole premise of smothering your children with tons and tons of kudos for every little thing lest we hurt their self esteem. Or not disciplining. Lest we hurt there self esteem. 

Self esteem comes from being a good person, working hard, treating others well. But I am also learning some other things about it as well.

"Have you ever found yourself relating to a child who seems to have low self esteem by trying to "fix" things for them? By contriving events so they would experience success, validation, love? By manipulating events so they wouldn't have to face pain? However well meaning on our part, and however effective in gaining short-term results, these efforts probably reinforce the belief that both good days and bad days are somehow tied to the power of external events. The child attributes the quality of his day to something outside of himself; he remains blind to his role in creating his day, and thus is powerless to make changes in it. The belief is deeply entrenched in children that they "have to" feel a certain way, "because of" what happened.

But self esteem must ultimately come from within each person, and we best serve our children by providing them with the knowledge and skills for taking control of their inner environment. 

The approach here is based on certain premises. First, that events in and of themselves have little if any power over us emotionally. Second, that the power lies in the thoughts and beliefs we have about those events. Third, that emotion will tend to follow (positive thinking leading to emotional well-being, "junk-though" leading to emotional pain) Fourth, that a change in thinking will bring a change in feelings."

-Thinking, Changing, Rearranging by Jill Anderson.-

I am learning that last part TO BE OH SO TRUE!!!! I have been able to change extreme emotions by thinking different thoughts. I have been able to go from sad to happy and even happy to sad by thinking different thoughts. It is very important to be MINDFUL of your thoughts.

Okay...one more book I read....(I really don't even devote that much time to reading..I don't know how I am 

reading so much...)

I follow her blog and she had this quote on it from her book yesterday. I loved it. And it just resonates with all I am learning as of late. I don't know why it is some big realization to me lately. Did everyone else already know this?

""But even with all that others were willing to offer me, I realized along the way that ultimately nothing they did could make me happy.  I felt comforted by family and my faith, but peace was different from happiness.  At first I thought stubbornly that the only thing that would make me happy was for my life to look like it did before the accident.  But no one could give that to me, and no one else could make me happy. Happiness was my choice, and though it is hard won, I am the only person who can stand in the way of it." Stephanie Nielson

Okay.... I am still 15 pounds away from buying myself my ring. I set my goal at 25 and I have lost 10. I thought about just getting it anyway since I have already worked so hard but I couldn't do it. It is hard to lose 15 pounds. It takes time!!! I want it now!!! 

And it doesn't help that Corey and the kids make homemade fry sauce WITH the best fry sauce ever. Add BBque sauce. It is to die for! (What! I had a few bites!)

I LOVE this kid!!!! REally!!!! She is so funny!

Kassidy is just a funny kid! Really! She is just amusing  I found all these pictures on Face Book  They cracked my up. They all totally look like they could be her. I think she is so pretty!

Come on!!! This one is HILARIOUS!

Come on!!!! So funny!??? Right??

I swear this one looks like me... I think I have a picture of me somewhere that is so similar but this was the only one I could find. What do you think? Do we look similar?

I worked today. I am starting to be completely comfortable there. And actually there are days I look forward to going there. There is lots of times that it is peaceful and quiet. And.... I get a killer discount on shoes. Before this job I had not bought shoes for FIVE years. I wear a horrid size 11 and shopping for shoes was never fun. I didn't know I could order shoes!!!! So when I got this job I told myself I was buying shoes whenever I wanted. Well...I don't. But I do have one pair always on layaway that I make little payments on. And it feels so so good. This week I got a FREE pair of Merrells to test out. Super cool!!!

Lucky me!

I am the luckiest mom alive to have Kristi as ONE of my many beautiful advocates for Bo. I love that I get to sit in the back of the primary room and witness the goodness she shows him.

She works with special needs children as her job. You'd think she be sick of it. I am so grateful she isn't and that she says she loves working with Bo. Because if she wasn't, he'd be being brought to me every Sunday and I just can't take it. I really really have such gratitude for her tender ways with one of the six love of my lives. I am eternally grateful. Really really really GRATEFUL! Like I think she is giving him him life in a way. Is that dramatic? I don't know. I feel really really strongly about the work she is doing with him.

She has all these things worked out to get him to sit through sharing time. She has him identify numbers on a paper to keep him quiet, she has him being rewarded if he can sit still for a bit. It's all really great stuff.

She is holding his hand and rubbing it! Be still my heart.

She lets him play with her ear rings and put them in her ear. One time he put her hair behind her ear. It was so sweet.

She gives him SO MUCH eye contact.

Rubbing his back!

Playing on her cell phone. I think it is a reward of some kind.

Isn't she darling? He is so lucky.

Um...I WANT this sweater. Those are little penguins!!!!!! I love anything quirky.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Corey told me that when he was a kid, his dad would always give them a box of chocolate for Valentine's day. Just leave it laying on their bed for a little surprise  Today when we got up he had chocolates and donuts for all the kids. I thought it was really thoughtful. (Too bad we don't communicate well. because I had also got them chocolate and gum.)

Later thought I found this cute note on Corey's night stand table. Sweet boy. He tried to cut it into a heart.

And Kassidy also wrote me a thank you note and gave me M&M's. Sweet kids.

 I drove Justine to the movies with a friend and had to laugh so hard about how she said Valentine's day was really "single awareness day". She said she wants to have all the fun stuff others get on Valentine's day, flowers, chocolate, stuffed animals. And that she can't wait to be married so she will get those things. I busted up. If you don't know why that is funny than it must not apply to you. Lol.

Corey and I had dinner out tonight. I was very proud. Because I am trying to just be "normal". I had half of my meal and survived. It wasn't low cal but having half and stopping before I was stuffed was HUGE for me.  And I wasn't even sad about it. I am trying to train myself to not be radical either way. And I have learned to HATE that stuffed full feeling. It makes me sick all night. So I just remember that and it helps me stop. And I remind myself that I am working on a goal.

At my last therapy appointment Kristopher and I talked about how I feel like often I am in withdrawal.  I remind myself of my friend who drastically gave up food and was left to face all her feelings with no addiction to turn to. She cried A LOT. I walk around A LOT feeling TOO much and not having food to dull down all those feelings. So I fret, or cry over nothing, or catastrophasize...I LOVE to do that one for some reason. I miss just being able to sooth myself through food.  I miss the real feeling of calm I get. But I cannot go back. I just refuse.

Kristopher said I might fight this forever now. That he knows Meth addicts who after years and years still think about meth daily. I don't necessarily think that will be the case for me. I think the Atonement can fix this. Or help it A LOT. I have hope. But Kristopher also said it would get easier. And I think it will.

Bye for now!

This and that

Justine took all of these of Bo. She thought he was so cute. She said he sat there for twenty minutes "criss cross apple sauce" just eating popcorn.

This picture just fills me with joy. What a happy little life. Just sittin' there, eating popcorn in peace and plenty.

We love when we pick up Kassidy from work. She always smells like yummy movie theater popcorn. Of course she is grossed out by the smell by now but I still joke that I want to eat her.

I finished "Healing Your Aloneness" today. Can't wait for my next assignment. I didn't ever know I was going to enjoy self help books so very much. But I am. I think I like psychology  Or maybe it is just because I need it. Or maybe it is just because it pertains to me. But I am finding them all very interesting. I can't wait for my next assignment. I ADORE ordering books from Amazon. They have tons for a penny or for cheap. I don't mind that they are used. I feel like they have more character. But I DO NOT like if they are already marked. I had to get rid of my kindle because it drove me CRAZY not to be able to take notes in my books.

The school principal, whose been my friend for a bit now, told me about this book.

He said it is about bullying. And that it is basically a life altering book. It is in my amazon cue for a penny to buy on payday. (don't everyone go buy them all up because I can't get mine until payday!!!! )

DON'T. YOU. DO. IT!)

The other one I heard was interesting and had excellent reviews and is in my shopping cart for a penny is...(DON'T. YOU. DO. IT)

I am scared to read this one for some reason. I worry it might be painful. Anything pertaining to children KILLS me.

In fact today, as I was waiting in speech therapy, a little boy came in crying, not happy to be there. Sometimes these kids get driven to therapy by companies who are paid to drive these kids around. I am sure they are reputable but one day Rhett thanked me for driving him (sweet boy). But I felt bad for this little guy. Being driven there by basically strangers and waiting for his therapy. I have seen him before and he is usually happy. So when he was crying I knew that was going to be a problem for my own mental frailness  I told the receptionist that I have become friendly with, (I have seen him twice a week for months and months, you get to know these people), to make that stop now. I told him I would start crying if he didn't. I was like "quick, give him gummy bears". He did a horrible manly job of trying to comfort the kid. Finally the lady receptionist did some grandmotherly work on him and made me happy. Then the receptionist brought me Dots and he said he wondering if that was what my gummy bear talk was really about. "Do you need some candy?" "Yes, please." It wasn't my intention, but I do like Dots and gummy bears.

Okay, sorry for that side bar....anyhoo...

Also... you must read this one. You JUST must. I had Kassidy read it. I do believe it changed her as a person. It is also in my cue. For a penny. (FINE. I'm ordering them tonight. I can't risk it. So by the time you read this you will be safe to snatch your own up for a penny without stealing mine. :) )

So, what life changing books do you recommend?

I really want to read Les Miserables. But I am having this thing about wanting to own a really great old or beautiful copy.

So...back to "Healing Your Aloneness"

....It has been a great book. I am a little insecure about my own opinions. I really want someone else to tell me that it isn't a crazy concept so I can feel safer in believing and sharing it. For some sad reason I struggle to just have confidence in saying "you know what? It isn't crazy and I believe it." I don't want people to think I am wacky. But after reading the whole book I really do feel like "It isn't crazy (okay, it sounds a little crazy) and I do believe it". But I was happy to hear my BFF validate me and not think it was a crazy concept. I also shared it with another friend I adore, who is my soul sista and BFF(yes you!!! BFF all the way girlfriend!!!), and she said she believes it too. So even though this inner child thing feels a little out there to me...I have to say...I believe it.

So I am going to share the basic concept of it. Believe what you want. But maybe open you mind to the idea. It is scientifically proven. However they scientifically prove something like that...is that just like saying fish don't feel pain when the hook is in their lip?

Basically the book says that often times your inner child and you inner adult are separate due to a VARIETY of reasons. To have inner peace you have to get the two of them together. That makes you a person who is whole and clear and even, like Kristopher. He has done this work. Lots of times people are already that way. So they don't even realize "they have this internal connection because it has always been so natural for them-they never abandoned themselves."

But those who have abandoned their inner child...which means the inner adult disconnects from the inner child because of pain "the abandoned Inner Child is constantly afraid of being wrong because it believes that being wrong is what leads to rejection. Therefore, it strives to find the "right: way to be in the world. It becomes addicted to "shoulds" and rules as a way to control rejection. It develops a need to be perfect and a belief that it is possible to be perfect. Perfectionism and the fear of being wrong are symptoms of the internal disconnection between the ADULT and the Child."

Also there is an enormous list of  painful feelings that fall in line with this. A few that I will share that fit me are, self-doubting, defensive, regretful  fearful, anxious. Then out of these feelings come our addictions.  People become addicted because the addictions relieve  pain. But it is really perpetuating pain.

Something I really loved about the book was a few stories about people who already have the internal connection between their inner child and inner adult. It talked about how when you are connected you can have "True power, which is the power to nurture and give" and it is a "soft" power. I'll post about those stories later this week. I thought they were really moving.

Tuesdays are my most favorite day. On the way to take Rhett to basket ball practice we stop and get a big slice of free bread from the bread store. With....honey and butter. Then on the way home we get a $1 cone at Baskin Robbins. It feels so good to bond with my boy like that. It makes him very happy and feel very spoiled. I think we like having each other all to ourselves for a bit. Even if he STINKS from being 11 and at practice.  Also, free bread and dollar cones????Heck ya!!!! (Don't worry, I work it into my calories. I'm still good. ish.)

Crinkles!

I was showing Justine these pictures that I tried to take of Corey and I during Chinese New Year dinner.

I was a little annoyed ,

Me- "What is that going on by my eyes???!!!

Justine "It's just crinkles. Crinkles by your eyes. That's what One Direction says."

Well, Thank you, One Direction for teaching my girl that crinkles by your eyes are just fine!