Get mentally tough!

Holy yowza! I made it through the first few weeks of school. The one class at the college is proving to be very little work. It might be more though when it comes to taking a test.

I haven't had anymore melt downs over school. I am holding it together and not all freaked out anymore. I might over react a bit. Just sayin'. That wouldn't be new news.

The online class is SO much work. But I really like it. A lot. I have taken a two quizzes and a test. It is SO annoying when you had the right answer and then second guessed yourself and changed you answer! And was wrong. I received an A and B on the quiz and a B on the test. All open book. SO annoying!!!! I wanted all A's!!!!!!! But I did it all the very best I could so I guess that is the way it works!

Speaking of over reacting....I have to address that topic here in a minute.

But first, the other day Kate broke a little vase that Bo had painted for me. She told me. I made the HUGE mistake of telling her just to hide (*hangs head in shame* yes I did.) it and don't tell him.

He freaks out sometimes! And I didn't want to deal with it.

So she goes and tells him instantly "Bo, I broke the vase you made mom. "

And the heavens parted and angels were singing and he said "That's okay. Accidents happen."

And I almost died right then and there. Crazy! And cute! He is a doll. And so is Kate. She is getting easier by the week.

So one of the things that Kristopher helps me with that I thought I should share is this...

Because I really battle with controlling my own thoughts, (have forever) he has told me more than once that I need to force myself to be rational.

And I said...."But I feel...."

and he cut me off. With more of his words of wisdom.

And I said..."But I feel...." and he cut me off. with. more. words. of. wisdom.

Because "feelings" deserve less attention.

How do I make that make sense.... How you feel is important and it is important to have those feeling validated.

But we shouldn't put so much emphasis on our feelings that they are controlling our lives. Which happens to me.

So when I come to Kristopher feeling things that are not warranted he will tell me to push against those feelings and force reality in.

I really, really like that. I like the visual it gives me of PUSHING reality in and the other thoughts out.

He recommended this book.

Not because of anything it had to do with losing weight. But because of the great "thinking" the book teaches you. Kristopher is ALL about controlling your thinking.

So let me just give you a few words from the book.

"Fit people pay the price of discipline and fat people pay the price of regret. Discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons."

"If you want to become thin and healthy, you will pay a price. You will sacrifice and call on every ounce of willpower you have. If you let your guard down you'll be fat again. If you don't you wont."

This book is all about getting mentally tough.

I like it! I do!

One thing I really liked about it is how it addresses fear. Kristopher has talked a ton about facing your fear. About not running from it.

The quote in the book says "Middle-class thinking (the author calls middle class people basically those who are just letting their thinking control them) attached fear to everything.."

and what he says about the "World class thinkers" is "Since fear based thinking rarely enters their minds, they immediately begin moving forward like a locomotive thundering down the track devoid of the psychological interference that plaque most people."

"The two primary emotions are love and fear. Love is rooted in abundance while fear is rooted in scarcity. Middle-class thinkers are terrified they are going to fail. World-class thinkers just can't wait to cross the finish line and get the trophy. Once you take control of these two emotions everything begins to fall into place, because they both set up a self-fulfilling prophecy. You wither choose to operate out of love and win, or you choose to operate out of fear and lose. Either way, the choice is yours."

It is full of good stuff so far. It is interesting to me how Kristopher is always saying to face your fears because then they go away and this book talks about how "World-class thinkers" are not sitting around worried about their fears all the time.

Good stuff.

Church is paying off!

Kate can be quite a little bossy sassy pants. She doesn't hesitate to be a bit grumpy to Justine either. Justine told me today that she was being mean to her and then she said, "Oh just kidding, you're a daughter of God."

Lol. Love it. She is growing up a lot and it is awesome.

Bo is doing good on his meds although I believe he has developed a tick or two. I think I will keep them private because I don't want people watching for them. Basically at this point you have to decide if the negative of the ticks out weigh the benefits of the meds. Sheesh. So sad. But he is very smart and catching up everyday he is able to concentrate. I am discouraged that I didn't medicate him sooner but then today someone asked if his pupils were dilated and it reminded me that that happened years ago when he was on meds before and then it reminded me why I fight the meds.

After talking to the neurologist about him I realized that I have ticks as well and have had so for probably 30 years. I am not telling what those are either! Lol. I have thought for a very long time I have a mild case of Tourette's syndrome. I know that sounds crazy because every one is use to Tourette's being that thing were you burst out in swear words. But it isn't always that.

Also my cousin was diagnosed with Tourette's so it could be true.

I have been promising the kids for years we were going to have a Harry Potter Marathon and get a baby sitter for Kate and WATCH EVERY SINGLE ONE. They have a day off school soon and we are doing it! Can't wait! Does anyone have them we could borrow?

School is going ok. I feel like it might just be the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. It keeps me going so I don't get depressed. I always have something to work on. And part of me feels really proud to be working towards my degree.

Justine had to go the the orthodontist, have all her permanent retainers removed, go the dentist, have three cavities filled, go back to the orthodontist and have all the retainers put back on. Only 375.00 dollars out of pocket also. UGH!!!!!!! But the poor girl. frustrating. The dental staff decided they may give her a Valium next time because she gets SO upset at the shot at the dentist. Yep, she's my kid. (I don't mind the shot though. It's the sound and smell of that DRILL!)

Oh well, I have to go to bed. I have a cold AGAIN!!!! I never get sick. Now twice in a very short time. Bugs me. I don't get enough sleep.

I love this by the way...I think it is SO TRUE!

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING!

ummmm.....did you guys know about seat warmers??????

They are FABULOUS.

I will NEVER be able to go without one again. Unless I have to drive our van. Then I will.

But...we got a "new to us" car.

Our same cute car salesman...

And this car has seat warmers. And they are glorious. Especially since I am colder now that I have lost weight.

I know. We have gotten a lot of cars in the past few months. But the stress of having to constantly...and I mean constantly....break down, or worry about breaking down, or watching YouTube videos to try to fix the cars, or calling Cousin Scott for help, was finally getting to Corey. We had three cars that were 1990ish. Very early ish. We haven't had a car payment in probably 15 years.

So now we are a little stressed with car payments and insurance rising but it just really had to be. So we will adjust. Also I could no longer drive all the kids to their appointments with one car. I needed a vehicle for the kids to use. It was doing me in!

Here is our front parking lot now. We are selling the three junkers. I love Kate out there with her little piggy tails loving that cat!

I'm going somewhere beautiful.

The other night I went to our church's addiction recovery meeting. I haven't gone for a while. It is hard to take time away from the family to go. I usually get so much from it though.

I cam home with some interesting new thoughts.

Sometimes in my life, and a few other girls in my old discontinued groups (still bitter, :) ) lives, the common theme was "I don't want to share my feelings or dwell on my problems because they are just not that bad compared to someone else's."

I can so relate. Aren't we just suppose to buck up and carry on?

That is the reason this is one of my most favorite things ever....

So after group I got to chatting with my friend. She has been working on her self for a very long time. She has given up her food addiction.

She always interests me because she says things like..."Why would I want a stupid brownie when I can have God?"

Someone from the addiction group had read that the reason people are turning to addictions is because they are searching for intimacy. That we want intimacy so badly  we are going to try to find it somewhere. Food. Drugs. Whatever it may be.

I'll be honest. I do believe that is why I always say I couldn't have lost weight with out therapy. I really needed the connection Kristopher was offering me. Apparently in the hustle and bustle of life I just really needed one hour a week to be all about me. I needed someone to hear me. And I needed to be taught how to get some "power" back in my own life, and he did that.

So in my last session I had a pretty good melt down and was just so very stressed. I couldn't stop crying about school and feeling like I was abandoning my mothering post. I told Kristopher that this was so stupid to cry about especially when there are obviously bigger problems in the world then some old lady traumatized by speaking in class when. it. was. only. her second. day. and. she. was. in. 15th. grade (that will never not be funny). Get over it already, right?

He said to me "It doesn't matter. It matters that it is important in your day."

Maybe not everyone thinks that's beautiful. Maybe everyone doesn't need to hear those kinds of soothing words. But I do. And the empathy he offers me has become sacred to me.

And maybe other's think that is ridiculous. I might have at one point. But knowing how healing it has been for me? I will never underestimate the power of empathy again. Mourn with those who mourn.

So my friend who has God instead of Brownies, has spent a lot of time cultivating her relationship with God. And she feels like she has a personal relationship with him. And I believe her.

And Mormons believe that God is our literal Father. Our Father in Heaven.

So she tells Him about her problems. But there was one she felt too stupid talking about.

A lady in addiction group shared that often times when we pray it is like running around a race track. We never get to the middle of the track, which are our deepest thoughts. Feelings we should pour out to God, like Hannah in the Old Testament did. But instead of getting to the middle of the track we race around with "bless this day, help me to be safe, please help this food to nourish my body"

 (seriously...HILARIOUS, right?)

 etc. Important stuff but are we missing the meat of the prayer? I am. I do. ALL.THE.TIME. I am just racing around the track, checking it off my to do list.

My friend has lost 100 pounds. She bought herself a new dress that she just loved. But she felt so weird wearing it. It was form fitted and just not what she was use to wearing. She felt like she was "selling something" in her new dress. But she had loved it so much. And she bought it for "herself". Because she loved it. Not for anyone else. Not to "sell" anything. lol. :)

So the dress sat in her closet. She couldn't wear it. It started bugging her so much that she got to the point where she just wanted it gone. Out of her closet.

She was laying on her bed one day and she could see the dress in the closet. She was like "ugh!" What is up with this!

And she felt in her mind "why don't you ask Me about it". But she was so embarrassed to talk to Heavenly Father about it. Why does he care about her stupid problem with a stupid dress. But she usually talks to Him about everything so why not this?

So she did. She talked to Him about this. She told him she really wanted to wear this dress.

And I won't do justice to the words she told me. But she said that He "told" her that she was beautiful. And that He made her beautiful. And that He cared about the things that were important to her. Even a dress. And to wear the dress.

And she did. And she looked beautiful because I saw her in it. And she didn't look like she was selling anything. :)

The facilitator at the addiction group said food (addiction) is just a counterfeit for the true source of love and comfort. God.

I have no snazzy end to this blog. At this point I just have no answers or conclusion.

Even though I know all of this I still don't put forth the effort. I still don't trust it can be that way for me. I still want mouthful of brownies. I still want an hour with Kristopher once a week. Is it because it is easier? Is it because I don't know how God can love me and a trillion other people? I don't know. But if He really cares about my friend and her spotted dress, then He cares about me and that I caught a stupid cold this week? Or that I really needed to be heard? Or that school is a blessing for me even though I feel guilt? That I really am enjoying that creepy little tarantula?

I don't know. I think so. I think I have been being shown that.

I just feel right now for me it is line upon line, precept upon precept, one day, one lesson, one mistake, one intimate conversation, at a time.  I believe I am being directed places. I feel like Heavenly Father is teaching me things all the time and I am getting there in His time and my time. And I think there was a purpose I gained so much fulfillment from a connection with some crazy therapist I never even knew of until last year. I think it was showing me what goodness is possible with God.

Is that crazy? Do you all think I am crazy now?

I have no title.

I can't believe I forgot to show you my pencil bag. I don't know why but it made me laugh. I know it is so old but I love that "I'm just sayin'" saying. I think it is pretty funny.

So I still think a lot about California.

My most very favorite memory was eating at Phil's. We ate in a room that was like outside. It was covered but you feel the ocean. It was a bit cold, which I love, and foggy, which I love. Birds were landing here and there eating scraps of food. I ate this crazy bowl of seafood. It was so wonderfully good. We had sour dough bread with real butter. Artichokes stuff with crab and dipped in a garlicy mayo.

It was very symbolic to me of my therapy. Because once Kristopher told me, when my mind is clear and I have sorted through all my garbage, that it will be like eating clam chowder by the seaside instead of from a can bought from Walmart. When he told me this, he had no idea that I adored clam chowder and seafood. He was just throwing out one of his therapisty analogies.

So there I was. Smelling the ocean. 80 pounds thinner. Which in a way, is "enough said". Losing 80 pounds has changed the core of my being is LOTS of ways. So sitting there thinner, with a whole bunch of new and clear thoughts in my head, facing private, painful, old, old fears, at that very moment,  eating seafood in ocean air.  It was just heaven. It really really was.

And at one of my visits Kristopher referred again to that time. Reminding me about how beautiful life can be. It is beautiful to me to have someone who understands that with me. How much that day meant. I have been blessed with people to go with me on this journey. A journey I can't really explain.  I am grateful for them. I think "Heaven only knows" what this year has meant to me.

One day, I am going to fly there, meet my super fun, super cool, sister in law, eat at Phil's, and go home.

One day in California we were driving along a coast. I have no idea which one. A lady told us where to find harbor seals. It was so SUPER neat. I loved them! Here is an over kill of pictures. But I mean...for reals!!!! Harbor seals!!!! Just laying right there!

Oh wait. But first, a cool seagull.

Harbor Seals!!!! Just ling there in the wild!!!

Wendy and Zoe bought this little otter for Kate. We took several pictures of it on our journeys so she could see. She loves the thing! It's so cute.

I am feeling very thankful for the opportunity to go to this church college. My online teacher actually told us she prays for us INDIVIDUALLY. Where in all the world do you find that at college! I wrote her an email about some of the confusion I was having. She wrote back and was so sweet and kind. She told me how much she wishes for my success and how I was meant to be in this class. It will be of no surprise to you that I just about CRIED!!!! It was so sweet.

I truly don't know what is in my future. I don't know if I will work or what will happen. I know it is a huge priority to be available to my kids during the summer. So I just don't know how this school thing will affect my life. But I am excited for the opportunity. You know, when I am not crying about how I can't do it.

So tonight My cute in-laws came over and brought us treats. We are sitting there chatting and talking with Grandpa Dale. He has kept his little cabin up in the mountains. Rhett has gone up and helped him care for it a bit. So it cracked me up when Rhett turned to him and said "So how does your grass look?" I laughed and laughed. He was like some old guy. He is just so cute.

So tonight, as the puppy was trying to CHEW UP THE COUCH, I yelled at Justine to stop him. I chewed her out a bit about me having to yell at her. She said "You're always yelling." Cause she was annoyed at having to deal with Brody. How quickly the fun wore off! :)

SO I YELLED......"I DO NOT ALWAYS YELL!!!!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!" And I yelled it. Cause I was mad. It's funny...

and...

it's not.

Night!

P.S. Kassidy found another job. At a day care. She didn't know if she should keep it.

Cause guess why....

It's really hard.

Cause guess why....

She has to work EVERY DAY!!!!!

(four hours) For the love of all entitled kids! What in the world! LOL. And this girl is one of the least entitled kids out there. She pays for nearly all of her own stuff! So needless to say that cracked me up. And of course, I told her "welcome to adult hood", and that she had no choice but to "stand" it. I love it when I get throw around Kristopher lingo.

(To her credit she has worked since she was 16 and she will be working two jobs. )

I'm teacher's pet.

Wow. A change in the tide has occurred.

I might not be bad at school after all.

Somehow, in the group the teacher divided us up into, I was the ONLY one who had read the chapter and filled out the chapter paper work. Even the kid who has worn a tie every day to class hadn't read the chapter!

What. in. the. world.

I think the other kids had it figured out more than I did that it apparently wasn't crucial to read every single line in the chapter and that this teacher is pretty relaxed.

SO while I was in a panic trying to get every single thing done...they were worrying about it...nada.

So while I was crying to a therapist about how I couldn't do it...they were worrying about it.....nada.

While I was reading page after page about liberals and conservatives and radicals, they were worrying about it.... NADA!!!!!

I totally looked like the smart one!!!!! I even managed to talk out loud in our group of 4. I know Kristopher would be so proud. And I survived. Young people are very nice.

After class another youthful student came up to me and said we could study together. She was also so cute when she said it was so great I was going back to school because we have to take care of ourselves because we are out most important trophy. Or something like that. I can't remember her exact working. But it was all beautiful and flashy. She was cute.

Another "mature" lady joined the class. She and I are the only two older ones there. I am seriously surprised by that.

So it is a DARN good thing Justine was not at Walmart with me the other day. She might have STROKED out at the disrespect shown to her boys. When she saw these pictures she wasn't even amused. Not even a tiny little bit!

Today was mine and Corey's anniversary.

He wanted to take me hiking to the Tetons. But apparently I was annoyed enough that he didn't follow through. I feel a tiny bit bad. But we are just so busy any way. And you all remember that last hike he made me do? Yah. Still traumatized.

I basically got to decide what we were doing. That never happens because I am so wishy washy and want him to decide.

But I wanted ribs. He just thought my huge plate was so hilarious. But I ordered a whole rack because he wanted to share them with me.

They were delicious. But tomorrow I am officially starting a 45 day stretch of eating no more than 1200 calories. I have got to get the last of my weight off. It's like 40 pounds still. It gets harder as you get smaller.

Here's my dilemma. I have MANY friends who are going Vegan with no salt sugar and oil. They are doing so because apparently you lose all cravings for food.

Despite my whole rack of ribs, I don't need meat every day. I sometimes wonder if there is an easier way then what I am doing now. I have been losing and gaining the same three pounds for three months now. Maybe I need to do something like that where I just don't have food cravings.

But here is the thing....I want to eat a good rack of ribs on my anniversary. I want to go to California and eat seafood soup. I REALLY love shrimp. So, I don't know.

Today I have recovered a bit from the trauma of not loving school. I am starting to feel more proud of my efforts to get a degree. I will be okay. I will stand it. My kids will have to be okay. They just can't have can't have all of me. I need some of me still for me. We will have to work it out somehow. Thank you for all your encouraging words. Thanks for friends who bring me salt and pepper encouragement shakers. Love them!

Today I had nothing. I studied. Cleaned the bathroom, laundry, cleaned the fish tank, fixed Kate's hair, drove Kate to school. It was glorious, I am going to love Thursdays.

And so after our anniversary dinner we went to see Wolverine.

If you know me you know I love Hugh.

But Wolverine goes to a whole nother (which isn't a word) level. Wolverine is OFF THE CHARTS enjoyable. Rugged, sexy, tough...I just love him. The very most of any man that is a character on the movies. He is my favorite. He had really great spikey hair in this one.

My mouth literally hung open when a critic said Wolverine should hang up his claws.

How. Dare. He.

So it was a fun anniversary. Thanks, Corey, for the fun night.

Can I just be real here?

I still didn't love school today. (The one class I take up at the college)

I still like my online class. Where I am all cozy at home in my "nest". Kristopher and I had a session today. He said I like it there because it is "safe".

It is. I have been home a very long time now. It has been a joy. I have loved homemaking. I know it. I think I do well at it. It is a very safe spot for me.

But he doesn't want me to always feel so safe. He wants me to go back and back to class where I don't feel safe until I do feel safe.

I have this huge issue. I don't want to be called on in class. Everyone will take a turn to pray, participate in discussion etc, and I DON'T want to talk out loud.

We already had to. We had to introduce each other. I do not want to talk in front of everyone. I do not want to look stupid or feel stupid or have everyone look at me. I just have anxiety over it. Maybe it makes no sense. It probably doesn't. But we all have things we struggle with and this is one of mine. I don't want to talk in class.

I told Kristopher I wasn't going to do it even if I got an F. I wasn't going to talk out loud one single time.

He said that maybe I should be an accountant. And that not talking out loud wasn't going to work very well in a "social" work class.

I didn't know I had to have a parking pass, I didn't have the proper paper work to get my pass, I couldn't turn on the dumb computer to find my proper information, and the store to get fudge is just too darn far away. I didn't like school. I thought I was going to adore it like one of my BFFs did.

I cried and cried in front of Kristopher. I told him I hated myself. That I was fat and ugly and stupid and I didn't want to go up to college anymore. That I didn't know how to work the computer and I don't fit in there.

Him..."Wow.... That's a lot of negative chatterbox going off." And he was truly surprised. He said I was doing so well at my "positive proclamations". What happened?

I had to tell him I had been "off the wagon" for five day also.

He told me to quit the alcohol (food) today!

He told me he knew this change was going to be hard for me.

I have wanted nothing more than to just stay home and mother. But for lots of private reasons I need to take this college step.

And Kate was upset today that I was leaving. It wouldn't be a big deal if it was just this one class. Big sis is home for her. But almost every day after school I am driving kids to therapy or work or activities or work again and my work and also my other stuff. She is without me more than I want to admit. And I do hurt for her. It breaks my heart. I think it might be the lot of the youngest child in a large family. She is home with siblings and dad while I take care of all the business. I laid (layed, lied, lew, whatever) with her in bed for an hour last night and read to her and held her till she fell asleep. I spend time with her.

But I feel like by going to school I have abandoned my post. And I cried and cried in my session today.

He told me he could tell I was really stressed. Cause guess what!!!???? I also have hours of homework! And it is not fun!

He asked how long long I had been in class for....

Me..."Ummm.....today was my second day."

He laughed. I laughed.

He did his little crazy psychology trickery on me and said he guessed I could quit.

I just stared at him ...."I can't do that! That wouldn't be teaching my kids good things! Plus like 100 people already "liked" my going back to school facebook photo. That would be too embarrassing to quit. I have too much pride for that!"

I am not going to quit. I am sure this will all pass and get better. In the mean time Kristopher told me to "Stand it".

Because that is how hard things and scary things lose their power. By STANDING IT.

I don't know why I share all this. I don't want my young friends to be discouraged if they are headed up for college. I probably don't want all of you to see where my brain goes when I feel like I am failing. It goes straight to how worthless I am. Do you all talk to yourself like I do sometimes when your sad?

I am just trying to share that yes, life gets hard and scary for all of us. Even when you are in 15th grade. And the only true answer is to get yourself a Kristopher.... oh wait, just kidding, the only answer is to FACE it and do it and learn and grow from it. But you just have to do it anyway. Or you are being held hostage by it....by your own self.

My sister in law, Wendy, taught me something in California that I loved. It is something that she teaches her children. She and my brother just exude a lot of confidence. She really does. She is just strong and beautiful and knowledgeable and great.

She told me that she tells her kids that "nobody knows how to do it!" (Meaning things in life that are new or hard or uncertain or....just life things) That everybody is faking it to an extent. And that is just what you do. You move forward with faith in yourself and "be" what you want to be. And you fake it along the way or figure it out along the way. And you just do it. And then you are it. Does that make sense...? I thought it was pretty great when she explained it. I hope I did it justice.

Thanks, friends. I have home work now. Bye.

Tomorrow Corey and I have been married 21 years! Holy cow! We are squeezing in dinner and a movie in between raising 6 children!

movies and group

So...I am watching a new series on Hulu that I really love . It is called Breaking Pointe and it is about ballerinas. Men and women. It is so exiting! I love it. Does anyone else watch it?

I am deciding that I REALLY love the online class. It's only a few days in but I like it. I like sitting in my home (I am a HOMEBODY) and doing little assignments and submitting things etc. It is fun. But it is literally MAKING me eat. Like literally. I am struggling.

So a few weeks ago we went to Uncle Frank and Aunt Sherri's house to watch a movie in the garage. It was super fun. I sat in the very back and texted the whole time. But I got to sit by my little Rhett and he had smuggled enough chocolate to keep my stocked the whole movie long. It was awesome. 

As much as I miss rocking my babies, I LOVE that I can go places and relax mostly now. The little kids are becoming mostly self sustaining at occasions. It is a gift.

So here we are...

So fun! Thanks relatives! For being so cool.

I never finished California. Can you believe it??? I got distracted it. I will have to get back on task. But I did want to show you my Rhett. He is just one competent kid. Once Kristopher told me that when you have dyslexia you are given other skills. Rhett is. He loves to work and he can figure stuff out. Big time.

He babysat a lot while I was in California. Cause the girls were with me and Nathan had to go to scout camp. He did so well and Corey was so impressed with him that Corey bought him half a bike. That means a lot coming from his dad.

He is only 11 (in large families that is not too young at all to babysit) and he held down the fort. He even kept the house very clean. Here's pictures of our cruddy bedrooms. (We are redoing them very soon) But he like even cleaned the bedrooms and everything! Love him!

Yeah...my boys sleep in a yellow room. What about it???

J/k. It's terrible! I am repainting SOON.

Kristopher cancelled group. For ever. Kinda broke my heart because we had developed relationships with the girls in the group. I was sad. Good thing me and one of the girls had already secretly been "seeing" each other on the side. Lol. We can just have our own group. At an ice cream shop. So there! And I won't force her to talk about anything she doesn't want to and she won't tell me I have to do hard things! It's going good already!