I am so traumatized. I was just looking at some before pictures of me. It hurts my heart. Maybe I should be happy for myself now. But I am sad for me then.
And truthfully, and realistically, I am TERRIFIED of going back there. That was not a happy place for me. Physically. I still feel like it was a joyous time because I was raising all my beautiful babies then but physically, I was held hostage by my own body. I look at those pictures and think I am in there. But I am buried. It's sad.
The ONLY way I know how to not go back is to DAILY calculate my calories. I am sure there are other ways, I just don't know what they are for me. So for instance, today has been a higher calorie day for me. Sunday is just snack day at our house! And some days I give in. Tomorrow....I will really have to be disciplined. Is this the way it works? Am I doing it right? Does anyone know a better way? This way "feels" like it is working for me so maybe that should be enough. But it is just going to be constant forever maintenance. I am reading this book, I think I already told you about and it, and it talks about that exact topic. That fit people realize it is a life time of maintenance and paying attention to stay fit. I wouldn't say I am fit though. Lol. I definitely need some exercise.
Oh well, Here are my pictures.
Is it crazy????? It is to me.
Crazy.
And for some reason I am very cautious about being too happy about it. I think it is because I am very realistic and maybe humble (? is it humble to say your humble?) about the fact that my love for the comfort of food and my food addiction could at any time spin freakishly out of control again. But I keep thinking it won't. As long as I am staying accountable to my eating and continue to do healthier things for myself I think I won't go back there. I don't think I will let myself. I also still need to lose more. But I am taking that truly like 1-2 pounds a week. Because it is that hard now!
Okay, I didn't mean to go on and on about that.... anyway.....so on with other things....
I just like Kassidy. She is always up to something funny.
I found this on her FB. I actually thought she looked like a cute old person.
Ohhh. I have to confess something.
I use to BELIEVE it was the worst-est thing ever to have tv in your kids bedrooms and let them watch tv at night before bed in their room. Don't get me wrong....we are a TV watching family but not in our beds.
Well.....I discovered the ABSOLUTE glory and peace I receive from putting Kate in bed with a portable DVD player watching a little kids movie. (HEY! tonight was an educational one.)
I feel guilty about it. It is probably wrong somehow. My other kids had book time. They would look at books or read to themselves for a good hour before bed.
But this girl?....she is just high maintenance.
And a movie in her bed gives me evening peace. So that's the way it is.
And I am not going to be sad that I have found a way to help me have some quiet.
Nathan and Corey and Rhett (I let the boys miss school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who am I????????) got to go on horse back and get Nathan's elk. What a cool experience. And his elk made some yummy jerky.
The legs poking up from the pack saddle are just wrong!!!
Have I ever told you that I got an A+ in pack and outfitting in college? I knew how to tie all the knots. I so wanted to be a cow girl.
We had something so sad happen last week.
Kassidy's baby died.
She went to let him in the house at night (he is a wild child and would not stay in even though I know the new cat rule is they should stay in) and he didn't come. She told me she could hear weird meowing but I went ot listen and I couldn't hear it. She told me to check before I went to bed.
When I went to bed I heard a horrible meowing.
Our neighbor is really annoyed at cats. She has trapped them before. I went and woke Corey up at almost 1:00 in the morning thinking she might be trapping them again. I was NO WAY going to look for him because I am a CHICKEN.
But I was so super thankful that Corey got right out of bed and went to the meowing. He came back holding Banditt. And it was apparent his back was broken. SO we had to wake Kassidy up and tell her. Corey had the idea of letting them spend some time together alone in her room before we had to put the cat "down".
It was so so sad. I cried and that cat has been my arch enemy. It was a sad way for Banditt to go and it was so sad for Kassidy who was seriously was in shock over it. I think Corey even cried. It would be hard to be the guy. To be expected to know how to handle all hard situations and to not be wimpy and to be tough, and to risk their lives (practically, lol) to find a cat in the neighbors yard. I just think men have a lot to live up to. I was thankful for all he did to handle the situation that night.
Later we buried Banditt and had a prayer at his grave (next to Josie). I don't even know if that's what you do, but that is what we did.
I was grateful that night Kassidy had been watchful of her cat and told me to look out for him. I was grateful because it would have been sadder to not have ever found him. Or to have found him and known he suffered longer. Kassidy felt she abandoned him because she went to bed. But she didn't know. I told her she saved him by checking on him and telling me so I could also check on him. I am just so grateful in my business I checked on the situation before bed and I am so grateful Corey so willingly got out of bed and dealt with it.
Anyway....Sorry, Banditt. Thanks for all the good you brought my kid even though you were a pain. Is that weird I just talked to the cat on my blog? I actually told Kassidy when she was very distressed about Banditt being gone that I believed she could talk to him and he would hear. And I do believe that too! So there! What do you all believe?
Okay...So on FB I had to vent about if a bar graph was the same as a linear graph and after I learned to make a graph I messed up and had to make a whole new one even though I was so proud I figured out how to make one in the first place. Turns out "word" makes it very simple to make a graph and I was able to make another one.
And I made a dang cool one!
And my teacher liked it so much she gave me extra credit!!!!!
Read the middle sentence!
Yay.
Want to hear a miracle? That makes mothering all worth while? Justine is hoping when she gets to go to college next year she can live with Kassidy (if she isn't on a mission). She said she'd just feel more comfortable. Broke my heart it was so sweet to me. I didn't have a sister. But I feel like I get to have lots of them now because I have such dear friends.
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