I am missing an organ now. Weird.

On the way home from out trip I suddenly got the worst back ache.

And my beautiful heated seats couldn't even help me. I was like, what in the world!!!! I thought maybe I had just suddenly  had a pinched nerve from sitting so much.

I had a wave of weird nausea.

By the time we got home my stomach was starting to hurt and I was certain Skippers had food poisoned me. Corey was super defensive because he wasn't sick and he loves Skippers and there was no way it could have food poison me.

I had many vomiting episodes but it never got rid of my stomach ache.

I was up most of the night in pain finding no relief.

By five in the morning which was Thursday (even though I was sick over the money it would cost) I told Corey I needed morphine (lol, that was all I could think of) and he had to take me to the ER.

It wasn't hard to convince him because he could see I was in so much pain. I couldn't even cry. It was just like loud whimpers. And a lot of them. And the drive to the hospital took forever even though he was speeding. I figured if a police man pulled him over we would get an escort. I didn't even wear my seat belt. So not... me!

The ER was slow. It hadn't been earlier but it was now and it was a BLESSING. I have waited six hours there before!

The male nurse was super great and instantly said it was probably my Gallbladder and he gave me an IV. It hurt and I didn't even care. I was super dehydrated and my veins weren't happy. I was throwing up more in front of him and I didn't even care. My vomiting was trying to kill me all on it's own. I swore in front of him and I did say sorry for that. He laughed. I couldn't even care about any pride at that point.

JUST GET ME MORPHINE!

He had to get approval from the Dr. but he worked fast and he said, "does it hurt as much as labor?" and I said,  "Yes." and he said women say that ALL the time. One of the problems is....It doesn't subside like contractions do. It is just constant pain.

I know I should be embarrassed to show these pictures. Don't you dare zoom in on my large bum! I had to wear tweety bird pajamas! How embarrassing. But I couldn't care. I was busy dying. I got my wool Danner socks on though. Always thinking about work, I am. Um...anyone needing to pick up cute, smart men... the ER is FULL of male nurses. They like the excitement of the ER.

LOL. This picture is funny to me. (That is a throw up bag. Not a pee bag! Just clarifying.)

I super duper like drugs. It is such a relief to be at the hospital.

The nurse got permission to give me pain killers soon and then I was gone for a bit.

Corey had stayed awake the whole time to drive back and forth to my voice trip, then he was up a lot in the night because I couldn't contain my misery plus his Lupus is always keeping him awake. I told him to go get sleeping pills for that but he is stubborn. So he was exhausted.

Anyways, they did an ultrasound.

The black is my gallbladder. It is supposed to be round and solid black. Those white blobs are stones and they were stuck in one of the tubes. That is why the pain wouldn't subside . The Dr. later told me it was a very sick Gallbladder. he wouldn't let me have it for show and tell for my Biology class. By the way I missed by lab final.

And here I am after surgery.  It was a breeze compared to my last surgery. And I love the relaxation of the hospital. I always snooze a little watch tv a little, snooze a litte watch tv a litle. Literally all night.

I had a few visitors.... and one I forgot to get a picture of.... :(

and some other special deliveries and some yummy meals. Thanks friends and family!
Thanks my friend who served ME on her birthday even. Love you!

Now I am home taking it easy, catching up on homework.

Life really does never slow down or give you a break. But I guess we might as well soak up all the experiences we can so we just get so much from our time here. (But I will always adore pain killers and medical help.)

The trip to fix my voice

Corey and I went to Salt Lake City to see a specialist about my voice. It is mostly better but not completely so we still kept the appointment.

Plus Core's beloved Skippers is there (yes, we drove 45 minutes out of the way to gt there) and despite my protest that NO ONE SHOULD EAT ALL THEY CAN, we ordered his favorite all you can eat.

Which I probably caused me to go into a Gallbladder attack. I'll talk about that pleasantness tomorrow.

For now, we got up bright and early to drive three hours to the throat specialist.

They made me do strange things. Read sentences, yell, say stuff. It was weird. I told her my voice was stuck high and couldn't get low.

The speech pathologist said I was right. She said I had likely gotten a virus at some point and it did this to my throat and now I am sort of stuck there.

 
My vocal chords are also not shutting entirely. I had to stick this thing into the very back of my throat and say "EEEEE" so she can see my chords. It was almost impossible for me to say "EEE". I don't know why.

The she gave me like a very painful trachea massage. OUCH. She insisted she was hardly rubbing at all. That it just hurts worse when they are tight and rubbing me. I have had that problem very often where my throat constricts and relaxes, constricts and relaxes. So I wonder if it just got very very tense and tight. After she massaged (again, ouch) it my voice did sound lots more normal. So now I have to have about six more physical therapy appointments where they will do the same thing and they say it might go completely back to normal.

Then Corey and I ventured to Skippers. It was one of the nicest Skippers we had been to. Most of them are OLD.

We ate all we could....(MISTAKE and GROSS) but Corey was very happy and then I was like...lets go to a movie! It felt like we were on vacation.

So even though I was going to read the book first, we went and saw Divergent. It was good.

Then after we started towards Cabella's. I had heard it was really interesting. It was pretty cool. I took more pictures but lost them somehow. They had like 30 flavors of fudge. But I didn't feel like any. I was getting fuller and fuller from Skippers. Or so I thought. I wanted to buy some salt and pepper shakers but they didn't have any cute ones.

Then we headed home. On the way home I was fine until the last hour. Then my back started HURTING. I thought I was just sore from sitting too long. I couldn't get comfortable at all and I started feeling bad for anyone who ever had a strained back, that I didn't give enough sympathy to!

We made it home about midnight and I'll tell you the rest tomorrow! And it IS STUPID!

Some happenings at our house!

Hi friends, 

So busy. I have three weeks of this semester left. I am relieved. Although I just have to admit I will REALLY miss that Biology class. It has been so much fun. And it has been so much fascinating information. And it has been so much work that has been very fulfilling. I am doing better in the every day quizzes. Like I have scored a lot of 100's% lately. I am sort of catching the hang of it. I have a lab test, another test, and a final. All in three weeks. I have a b- in the class though. The tests are so hard it will not surprise me if I get a c in the class. That bums me out but it almost doesn't matter because the class gave me so much more than a grade. 

I will forever be thankful for the teacher who made us work hard, answered all of our question after question, made Biology fun, and gave me such a challenge. Even if I get a C I really feel like I proved some good things to myself.

Justine will be leaving for college in a few month. I am going to die. Kate will be losing her best friend. I really think that is going to be so hard on her.

Look at this fancy hair do Justin gave Kate! You can see her admiring herself in the mirror. So cute.

THIS DARLING GIRL HAS HER MISSION PAPERS SENT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So that means in twoish weeks we will hear where she will be moving for the 18 months to teach people about Christ! SCARY AND AWESOME!!!! (SAUCE)

She is SUPER busy with school work!!!!

 

Honestly she is hanging in there quite well! Proud of her!

So remember Kate's beloved cat James that actually belonged to the neighbor? And then he disappeared and we were so sad...well James has a sister. "Narla". She is also the neighbors cats. The neighbors put them outside because they were peeing in the house. Well because Kate has a high need for lots of lovings I allowed her to constantly bring this cat in after James disappeared. This cat loves Kate the most (which is good because Brody does not enjoy Kate.) of everyone in the family.

After a while, this cat is meowing non stop to come in. Then COREY starts letting her in which is a shock. SO I guess we have sort of adopted her. (Sorry neighbors, kind of rude of us. I don't think they care, they have more) The COOLEST thing is....she never ever pees in the house. And we don't have a litter box. She meows like a dog to go out! Cracks me up! 

Bo gets some turn to love on Narla too.

Rhett spends all his free time playing Jujitsu with Brody. And Brody loves it.

My cutie pie loves school! She is growing so old!

I can't do crack no more!

Kate got strep throat AGAIN!

Super sad. She gets so so sick and sad. Throwing up, up all night, crying, coughing. So sad.

I was giving her her medicine and I said maybe she needs her tonsils out. She said "I don't have tonsils!!!!"

I told her she did and Rhett (who has had his out) and Kate and I were discussing all my new great biology facts.

Tonsils actually collect bacterial and germs before they go down in your stomach. But Rhett was worried because he doesn't have tonsils. But i assured him that his stomach acid would take care of bacteria and germs that got in.

Our bodies have three lines of defense. If one line fails another one can hopefully do the job and fight off illness.

Rhett said "Wow! You're getting really smart!"

DON'T I KNOW IT!!!!!! (finger snap zigzag!)

And then he asked if I could hurry up and learn math so I could help him.

Today we celebrated Nathan's birthday. He wanted a Lord of the Rings eye of Sauron cake. He liked it. I told him that i looked him so much I spent time learning how to write him "Happy Birthday" in Elvish. He was pretty impressed!

Actually....it's just fancy squiggles!!!! Ha ha.

So here was the dinner conversation with my cute father in law today. He is always impressed iwth my cakes so I told him what I had made and that I wrote Happy Birthday in Elvish.

Cute father in law "Elvis? They had a whole documentary about him." We had a good laugh. He doesn't watch Lord of the Rings, so he doesn't get "elvish".

Remember how Kristopher said that one of the things to do when you are addicted is to stay busy learning new things and doing fun things and keeping your life interesting....

The key is to not go into the "crack house" which means to not feed your addiction or go to the places that make your addiction kick in.... He told me to take a crack house and put a big line through it ..."NO crack house!" and he told me to stick it on my vision board.
So I did.

So when my friend told me about this online class she was doing I decided what the holy heck! I have never done anything of the sort and it was completely new and sounded so fun and inspiring that I went for it and signed up for the class. I feel like it fulfills the idea of staying busy doing new and exciting things and trying to stay out of the crack house.

The online class is by The Brave Girls. You might have seen them on the internet somewhere. I really like them.

So the class is called "Soul Restoration." So far it has been really fun and exciting. It is like therapy mixed in with crafts. Wahoo! I am proud of myself for just going for it!

Unhealthy food and conversations with my boy!

I got another A on a quiz. I think I finally figured out these Biology quizzes. Took long enough! The tests? Not so much. I have three more.

But I am loving every single thing we learn. It is so so fascinating. And I can not say enough good things about my teacher. He is so patient about all of our questions.

So Nathan's love language SHOCKED me. And I felt like a jerk. 

The kid who requires the least amount of attention and works love language is QUALITY TIME!!!!!

I never would have guessed. I cried (not literally) "I have been neglecting you!"

You know how the squeaky wheel gets the attention? Nathan just NEVER squeaks. And he is easy and nice.

He assured me he did not feel like he was neglected. 

For his birthday we took him to Big Judd's.

Because they have an enormous hamburger there and you have to go there and eat it to meet the Big Judd challenge. Corey and I wanted to see if Nathan could do it. (Have you ever seen Man vs. Food? he came here and did the bigger challenge.)

Awww...look at Corey's cute little baby hamburger. Sad thing is....I totally think I could eat that huge hamburger. Corey wanted me to but I could just not eat those calories!

 He did it!!!! And he wasn't even full! He still had a milk shake after this! We decided next time he was going to have the double.

So he had both of mine and Corey's undivided attention so hopefully his quality time bucket got filled up!

The other night I was downstairs in his room chatting. He is getting a lizard for his birthday and we have been getting the cage ready and having a good time together with it. That has always been a big thing I wanted to give my kids, interesting pets. Because I love all those kinds of pets and so that is fun.

So tonight I was sitting down and I said I don't want you to get all grown up and get a wife and like her better than me. I know that is pathetic. But it is sad to me the way you lose your boys when they grow up. Girls stick around more.

He told me (because he is just nice, not because it is true) that he would still like me the most.
I told him "Um no, that's not the way its suppose to be. You need to love you wife more than me.

And he told me "aren't I suppose to love her the most? "

And I said "Yes, And your God and your children."

Those are first.

But then I am very next. Then you love me the most next.

And he nodded his head yea that was his plan.

And I was like really? you will?

and he said yes.

I deserve it after I painted his room SILVER!

That whole conversation was probably super unhealthy somehow.

My love for all thing Biology was just reneewed!

I just got back from my killer early morning biology lab.

I had the usual quiz. I start studying for these a week early. Lots and lots of memorization. I keep flash cards at work and just go through he over and over. Newell has learned to work around my strewn about flash cards.

And then by lab I forget. So I have to hurry and try to re cram.

CASEY (said with a really annoyed tone) is my arch nemesis. He DOESN'T"T EVEN STUDY! Okay, he just studies real quick in class and then he is good.

IT IS SO AGITATING. And he knows he annoys me. But I alos love him. He is a sweet good kid.

I am so amused because he wants to be a marriage counselor. I just love all these kids full of ideals and confidence and so not beaten down  by the world yet. It is a happy place to be with them and I try very hard not to contaminate them with my burned outness.

SO today as I walked into lab he was doing his usual two minute studying and I hurried and shut his book so he couldn't study. Cause I am super annoying that way.

Then we had the most stressful quiz ever! The questions would not end!!!!

Alll about parts of the ear and the inside of the eye and the brain!

He asked us 19 agonizing questions.

But then he gave us the good news that he was only scoring for 15 so we could get extra credit if we....could

I got 16 out of 15,

WAHOO!.

And the cool news is...so did CASEY.

naner naner.

But he is so sweet.

He high fived me and was all happy for me.

And then he told me he was mortal after all. Little stinker.

And when my adorable teacher gave me my quiz back he said "Good Job, Susan" and he gave me a sweet smile.

And because I am words of affirmation I ate that up.

And I really appreciated him because he knows how hard I have been trying and how much of a struggle this has been for me.

AND........TONS of my smart class mates scored test grades (61%) JUST like mine. SO I am not dumb after all.

So my sweet mom is keeping Kate for the rest of the morning so I can commit the rest of my day to homework and making new flash cards and studying for TOMORROW'S BIOLOGY QUIZ AGAIN!!!! and enjoying a little quiet.

byeya!

Love Language Time!

Ugh. I think my heart isn't in Biology anymore. Discouraging.

So for one of my other classes which is  a religion class we had to do love language tests on our family. I read that book forever ago and always thought it made so much sense.

I am glad I was assigned to do the test on my kids. I found it most interesting.

So on Sunday I noticed Justine and I sat spaced apart from each other. And I wondered if she felt bad that we were sitting so close to each other. But she is just NOT a touchy kid. And I'm sort of not that touchy myself. I feel honestly like Justine doesn't want me in her space. So I try to respect her comfortability level with that. But then I worry is it hurting her that I am not more"loving" in a touchy way to her.

So she took the love language test.

She was so mortified because her biggest love language is receiving/giving gifts. She felt like that made her selfish or materialistic. I assured her it doesn't.

But I was SO amused to see that her score for affection was ZERO!!!!!!!!

She doesn't seem to care at all about affection. (But she is not cold. )

So I said to her...."not even one score for physical touch? "

Her-"MOM! The questions were like 'would you rather receive a gift or a pat on the head....' "

*crickets*

Me:-"very well then, carry on."

Hot fudge sundaes with resees. Yummo.

I was thinking today that I am struggling and I am only taking nine credits despite so many of my friends taking more.

But then I keep remembering that when I was a FULL time student I only did nine credits because school was challenging for me.

So now that I am a mom and a man's work boot sales girl and a student,  guess it's no wonder I am overwhelmed with nine credits.

I complain a lot. Sorry.

Only four weeks left and I will be done with my first year of school. I am counting it down because I am getting tired. And I have a lot of laundry to do. And a room to paint. And children to read to.

I will take one math class in the spring. I am soooo behind in math.

But I have learned a lot. It has been great fun and challenges feel good.

My last Biology test I got a 61. SO FRUSTRATING. I must have a C- or I can't get into the social work program. When I first started the class I totally expected an A from myself and I thought I could.

Not I will be relieved with a C-.

I saw Kristopher this week. I told him my woes about by biology. I told him how stupid I felt and how frustrated I was for wasting time and resources and sacrificing my children and what a waste it would be if I couldn't even get a C-.

He understood all of what I was saying.

But he was laughing a bit also, reliving his own life. He told me that he had to take Biology FOUR times!!!!!

And he laughed.

I was STUNNED!!!!!!!

Kristopher is smart.

FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He thought it was pretty funny now. He told me that if I got a C-  to be happy. And he gave me a little parental talk about how I can't be good at everything. And maybe some people are good at Biology but aren't at writing a paper. stuff like that.

But you know what really brings me some peace?

FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!

If Kristopher had to take it four times I will give myself a break. If I can get a C- (even if all the cool kids get an A) I will feel like a genius to not have to repeat it.

Kristopher told me to give myself a break. He said to give myself a break. Because I told him that I was doing everything in my life right now marginally.  Wasn't really doing anything great. All of everything in my life....marginal.

And we talked about a bunch of different things regarding housewifing and parenting (mostly my littles) and he said "you are burned out". And I said "Yes. And there is even a section in my psyscology book that talks about it being a real condition."

And he said "yes." Because he knew there was already. And he believes I am  burned out. And it feels good to have someone believe me.

And that is one reason why school has been good for me. I know it may seem like it is adding to my burn out. But i think it is just giving me a chance to do some other things that are exciting. Like learn stuff.

Holy cow. The things we have just been learning in Biology are CRAZY!

Did you know that your body uses almost every thing you eat. So what you are pooping is really just bacteria from your large intestine????? Crazy, huh! Gross!

Did you know that spicy is NOT a taste! People who like spicy like PAIN!

So I gained ten pounds. I got a D on my Biology test and I went and got a hot fudge sundae with resees peanut butter cups all over it. It soothed me. It was delicious. It made me feel better.

But I don't feel better when I can tell I gained ten pounds! It is such a challenge because I want to feel good. I don't want to be sadish.

I went ot my appointment with Kristopher and was like "what do I do to make addiction go away!!!!

He said people often replace one addiction with another. And he recommends exercise. I'm like "I don't have time to be addicted to exercise!!!!"

And I don't want to be addicted to anything. I just want to be unaddicted. He said some people have more addictive personalities than others. The thing is that since I have gained back this ten pounds it has been good to eat and stuff away any sadness and then when I try to be "good" and not eat I feel sad. Like just a base level of sad. I told him I was happier when I was fat.

In ways it's true. In ways its not.

I am amused at myself because remember when I first heard about food addiction and my friends who were over weight who lost and gained and lost and gained and it was confusing why and one of them started talking about food addiction and I was skeptical and for some reason I didn't want to believe it.

But now knowing how it can be such a mood enhancer and how sad I can feel without it and how happy I can feel when I can have a hot fudge sundae with resees all over it and how I feel no joy sometimes when I know I can't have food....

And knowing now what I learned in Biology about addiction....

I can see exactly what is going on with me!

Kristopher told me about a guy he knew who lost two hundred pounds. And the guy said he HAS to keep himself busy and off the couch eating. And that he is taking flying lessons and constantly reinventing himself.

Kristopher told me to "get out of the CRACK HOUSE!"

Meaning...force myself to stay busy and not sit in my favorite spot in the house and eat and don't go to the store and bring home chocolate.

And one thing I learned from him but not in so many words was to come up with a different plan to keep myself from sabotaging.

So I did some of my old tricks.

I am so not an expert but this is what I am doing to get back in control.

I am embracing hunger a bit. We all think hunger is the worst thing in the world. A little bit of hunger isn't bad. What do you think? When I trick my brain and tell myself being hungry is okay....then I feel more in control.

I am trying to change my relationship with food. I had done this once before but got back to some old habits. But I try to look at it as more nutrients. And that being stuffed doesn't feel good. And that eating half your plate (if you were eating out or something) feels powerful. I don't know. It's all a bunch of head games. Honestly.

Also I am making strategic plans so I don't sabotage myself.

Did you know one can only eat about two lemon drops before their mouth hurts? So I bought a bag and when I normally would be downing chocolate, I suck on those. It substitutes one bad habit for another habit. Which is not so bad. Cause....you can only eat two. And your mouth gets raw. LOL

And Sunday is our big snack day. So I bought some snacks that are not so bad. So when the family is eating chili cream cheese dip with chips, I had some fresh mango salsa with these weird low calorie fake chips that worked perfectly fine.

I also buy these crazy pop corn "chips" that are vinegar and salt that I adore the flavor of. I can eat a lot of those for very little calories.

Tonight we went to a birthday party with my most favorite thing in the world....store bought cake.

I had gum in my mouth and I just didn't even have any. If I have some it leads to wanting MORE. It is better to not have any. And I am NOT joking when I say I could eat the whole thing and I would put the frosting in my veins if I could. So yummy.

I just have to be tough! Or fat. And I have to get control of myself. And for some reason taking control begets taking control.

And one important thing Kristopher and I talked about was creating my life. Find things to do that you love. And while I have enjoyed school I really do miss caring for my home. When I am done with school I want to build a shelf and do some decorating and he said to work on my blog and reinvent myself and create and do thing I am excited about. I kind of thought that was a really good point though. To keep your life exciting. And that might help with addiction.

I told you guys once about my awesome lamp dimmer. It allows me to turn on my lamp without moving. It is by where I do my home work etc....And now I don't have to STAND up every time I want my lamp on. Lazy, I know. But I LOVE it and don't' care.

And it gets worse.

I bought one for my lamp that is on. my. bedside. table.

LAZY I KNOW!!!!!!

But I am SO SO happy. I hate reach my arm out from my warm covers and reaching it up to the lamp and I almost always knock the lamp over and sometimes when I am done reading I am just too tired to turn the lamp off.

Well..now....it is right next to my head.

Life can be dang good!

And a leader and a reader is born! I don't even know what that means. I am super weird and wired and tired tonight. and UNSTUDIOUS!

I had to go to the school the other day to talk about Rhett and his dyslexia.

I heard some really great things from his teacher that I wanted to document.

I have almost finished turning another year of my blog into a book for our family. It is a ton of work but I think all of these things I have written for them is a pretty great gift of love. I was always scared if I died when they were little they would never know me. I'm not scared of that anymore. Probably because I have old enough ones that will remember me but also I have a lot of comfort that there is so much of "me" poured into my blog, that they will know me. I get a lot of peace in that.

Is special ed" still a term that is used?  I am not highly sensitive and I don't really care at all but I like to say Rhett has a disability instead. But is that a negative term? Maybe it is and I don't realize it. I know some people like to say abledsomethingrather or something like that...I don't know. I just don't love "special ed". But Rhett could care less.I asked him. And I don't care that much except to say.....what is a good way to reference it?

I know some people hate labels and I was once told not to label them. I don't know. If you have something that affects you....like true blue dyslexia...what is the problem with stating it and owning it?

I try very hard not to label them in other ways such as "he is the noisy kid, or stubborn kid...I try to be very aware of that although I am sure I have done that too...but if you have dyslexia, or ADHD, or depression, or anxiety what's the big deal?

(I look fatty fat pants in this picture and this was pre "gained ten pounds" Susan! wuz up with that!)

So we had to have a little meeting to talk about Rhett and the goals involving him. Rhett's reading has jumped grade levels!!! So exciting. His spelling? He are just going to be thankful for spell check. And I am not even giving it anymore thought than that.

His teacher (love her!) told me (and she has been a teacher for a long time) that she has never ever seen a kid who is in special education work as hard to be successful in school as Rhett does.

And she said she has also never seen a kid in special ed be a leader. And that Rhett is a leader and that the kids want to be with him.

He is a pretty neat kid. I don't worry too much about him because he is so so competent. He still washed his own clothes too! That or he wears his pants a week straight. Found that out today! EWE!

So....have you heard the news on the street? Gus is moving on. He got a great new job. BROKE MY HEART.

I would always call him for help because he was so so kind to me and my forgetfulness of all things boots.

And he was funny.

And we would listen to the Neil Diamond Pandora station together.

And at the fair we shared the blue cheese hamburger.

He was always so much fun.

He gave my kids a dollar to go see the 1000 pound pig.

He helped Nathan name his sword. Which is apparently important to all sword geeks.

He would remember to ask about things I was going through like my bad throat.

He remembered that when I was coming home from college on a bus that we all sang John Denver "take me home" even thought we weren't even singing about the right state. And then when that song came on our Neil Diamond pandora station he told me all about us singing in college.

He would always prank me on the phone....okay... I didn't really like that... but the rest of him I will just MISS. BOO FOR MOVING UP IN THE WORLD!

I convinced him to take selfies of us. But I look cray cray. (Kassidy and I have been trying to talk gangsta slang to each other even though we don't even know what any of that means. She told me and I quote "yo dang hibsta swagging in my jelly" and neither of us have any idea what that meant but we both thought she was pretty funny!

Anyway, so long to Gus. I really really like him. And I am sad. That is all. I must go commit myself to homework I have been wasting hours. I now officially deserve bad grades.

I am addicted to York Peppermint Patties. So minty and fresh!

I feel like a GIGANTIC failure. I really thought I had my eating under control. I really thought I'd NEVER go back to my old ways. But here I am. Going back to my old addictive ways. Feeling unable to stop. Terrified. 

We see people all the time lose weight. Are we ever surprised when they gain it back? Not really.So why did I think I was going to be different. I don't know. But I really thought I had it under control.

I am sad because I cannot tell you how GOOD I felt about myself being smaller. And feeling better about myself. Feeling "normal". Getting to wear "normal" clothes.

FOR ME....being fat really honestly hurt like no one knew....It was awful when I was sitting anywhere and I would squish out the sides of the chair and I could never cross my legs. Or I couldn't always put a seat belt on in the car. It would hurt when I was invisible to men. I'm sorry if that is inappropriate somehow. But men weren't especially nice to me being fat. They hold the door for me now and are nicer to me. And being fat meant I was miserable in my own skin. Miserable within my own soul. Miserable. I don't want to go back there. 

I am definitely struggling with food. It is AMAZING how quickly those horrible addictions come back. I learned in Biology a bit about why people do drugs or other things (food) that cause dopa-mine to go off in your brain and pretty soon your brain needs more and more of that to feel "good". 

And the good news is once you abstain then your receptors go back to normal.

The bad news is....when you feed your addiction the cycle begins again.

When I first "gave up" bingeing and using food I remember being sad sad sad. And I remember feeling like there was NO. JOY. in the world. 

And I have six sweetie pie children. But I felt like there was NO. JOY. in the world. 

Absolutely ridiculous. But it was true. I felt like what was there to live for if I couldn't indulge in food. 

Now, because of biology class, I learned that is actually normal. Because my receptors (in the pleasure center part of my brain) got out of whack from so much indulgence that when I am not indulging, or using, or doing my "drug", that it takes time for those receptors to go back to not needing so much "goodness" to feel good.

Does that make sense? 

So I am back to square one of...my life has become unmanageable. And even one is too much because it leads to a binge. And because a million is too many and one is never enough.

And I have to live my life stricter and remember that I am an addcit. And it doesn't matter if you believe in food addiction or not.

Because I do. And I am. 

And I am going to fight. I am going to wake up every dang day fighting.

I am not going to do that to myself again. I just can't go to that place again. Food isn't worth it. But the receptors in my brain will fight me. So I just have to remember that and fight back. And be a little uncomfortable. 

And I really really really believe what Kristopher tells me. And he says you have to tell yourself "I don't like it, that's okay. I can stand it anyway." 

I know it is super cheesy. But it is super super effective. So I will be reciting that over and over and over. and over. And fight to be unaddicted.

Kristopher and I had a session last week. Sometimes in sessions when I start to feel sorry for myself or I am unhappy about challenges, or I want thing sto be going my way, Kristopher has told me I was a victim. It infuriates me.

Wouldn't it be much cozier if he would just coddle me? Yeah. He doesn't. He'd be enraged if I even suggested it. It might make one wonder why I keep going back when he is infuriating me. 

I trust him. I find peace within his counsel. And I have learned that he is right. 

I recently had the opportunity to see someone else playing "victim" and liking it. It was gross, honestly. 

And when Kristopher and I discussed it he sat all smug in his chair and was quite amused that all of a sudden I was annoyed by the victim instead of wanting to play it. 

I told him "You're pretty proud of yourself over there"

And he said "Yes, actually I am about this." And he gloated!

He has been trying to pull me out of being in the victim role for session after session. I get it now.

I told him how also this week (bread crumbs leading me from Heavenly Father) that I saw on a talk show a girl who was raped. And she said that she was in the victim role and she really liked it. People doted on her, "fed" her, helped her, surrounded her, etc. (And we need some of that sometimes) but then she realized it wasn't good anymore. And she had to force herself out of that position that was so comfortable and "easy".

He told me he was proud of me and he knew I would get it. It took a while! 

But guess what...by the end of the session I said "I just feel jipped because blah blah blah..." and he instantly, without missing a beat, calmly said.... "you're being a victim." 

I shut up and smiled! He was RIGHT! It is so easy to fall back into that role.

He said that I knew about his history and the way he had to figure out the good in the challenges he had. And that is what I need to keep doing as well. Because the challenges come no matter who you are. And God is teaching you and molding you all throughout those challenges. And feeling like a victim certainly isn't that productive! And feeling like a victim actually stops you from learning and CREATING from the trial.

And being an addict to get through them certainly is missing the picture as well!

So I keep on fighting and being thankful for the lessons that are coming in all sorts of forms.

And here is a little lesson for Corey. But he doesn't believe me. But google said....Border Collies are DESTRUCTIVE when they are bored (remember I didn't want this breed. Although I do love Brody).

He is EATING the hot tub lid...you know, in his spare time.

Missionary Blessings ALREADY!

Well, Our oldest daughter Kassidy is preparing to go on a mission for our church. It is very exciting for us. Corey and I feel so old to really honestly be at this stage in our lives.

Kassidy is just waiting for a few last things to be done (not within her control) and her paper work will be sent off. Her two favorite classes at college have been her religion classes.

I found her very amusing that she decided upon her teachers based on the pictures she was able to find of them and if they were cute or not. She is a goof ball.

I was so grateful to her the other day for babysitting for me. Her little sister just misses her so much. It's sad. So I drove Kate up to her and Kassidy drove her back down to kindergarten and then drove back up to me to bring me my car back and then I drove back home after my class. Crazy! Kate had so much fun with Kassidy that she tried to convince her she had the flu so she stay with Kassidy.

So a mission for our church costs $400 a month. Kassidy worked her guts out to pay for all of her schooling and living expenses. I am so very proud of her for that. So she is sort of out of money.

A person in Kassidy's life who has become very dear to our family and to our hearts told her that he wanted to pay 100 dollars a month for her mission.

Corey and I went to thank him. It is an 18 month commitment and we were very touched and grateful for his offering.

He was so sweet and we talked with him and his wife who is just as much of a love.

We stayed and for more than an hour. I felt sad for overstaying our welcome but the spirit of sweetness was so strong in his presence that it was hard to leave.

He said that it wasn't a burden to help financially. That God always provided and he wasn't concerned about it.

I expressed that my faith just wasn't as strong. That perhaps I had become a bit cynical because life is so hard sometimes.

We talked about the challenges of raising children, Corey getting Lupus, me back in school, and we laughed a lot about their little handicap dog who actually was crying with tears because he wasn't getting all of the attention.

As we were leaving we were still chatting and he said he was going to pay more on her mission. He told us that he loved Kassidy like a daughter.  His wife didn't skip a beat and just smiled and shook her head. I loved her. She was all for whatever her husband said. It was so sweet.

I was just stunned. I covered my mouth with my hands and just said "No!" I didn't know how he could do more! He said that it never matters, the Lord always provides.

I said I wish I had more faith like that. I said I think I have just gotten ye of little faith because it has been such a financial and emotional struggle to raise all these kids. Have I mentioned I am burned out? There is a psychological condition actually called "burn out".

Our friend said that he has heard that God doesn't care about all the little details of our life. But that he knows that if he is concerned about what color of socks he has on, that God is too.

I had my hands still covered over my mouth in shock and when he said that I just started crying hard. I just want so much for that to be true. I want God to care about my dumb little things. So often I don't pray about stuff because I can't imagine He has time to care about that with all of the other BIG problems in the world Why is he going to care that I gained tn pounds. Yes. Ten.

This friend was just looking at me so deeply in the eye. Trying to penetrate my heart that God loves me. I know he was. I really know he was.

It was a lovely moment. It felt good. If felt like it was meant to happen. Like our friend was suppose to testify those things to me. It felt like God never gives up on me even though I haven't given Him any time for quite a while.

I am so touched at our friends strength and commitment and faith and LOVE.

I want to be more like that.