Hi my friends! 

I LOVE MY INTERNSHIP. 

They are quickly becoming my friends and I already don't want to leave them. The parole officer that is in charge of me is a guy and the social worker/parole officer is co in charge of me is a girl and they are both great. I wasn't sure at first but they like me now. I am helping the boy organize his crazy office. He hasn't filed in like a million years. he is VERY thankful to me and all the other PO's are jealous. But basically he is the reason they have an intern this semester so he deserves my great filing skills. 

I feel leery about saying too much but there has been some concern for his safety and so it was a stressful few days around there. They really don't get paid enough. 

I have been able to read tons of files and learn about how everything works. I could totally see myself doing something permanently that involves offenders and addiction but I don't know what that might be yet. I am very grateful for this opportunity. Today I got to go to the jail. Yesterday I got to set files down up on the judge's seat. It was so exciting that the "Guy" took a picture of me with his phone. I am having soooo much fun. The judge is a Mormon AND A WOMAN!!!!! WOOHOOOO!

I was going to post a picture Bo took of me on my first day of internship. But I have gained so much weight and I am so crushed about it that I couldn't bear too. I never thought I would gain it back. I don't know what has happened but something switched in my brain and now I am just really struggling. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY I make new plans to fight the battle and I just keep failing. I feel like I can TACKLE the world when I am thinner and in control of my food. So you can imagine how badly I am feeling about myself. And I am gaining weight up top. It is different since I have had my surgery and that is just weird. It's very painful. Really. So why don't I just do something about it? I have lost my power. I don't know. BUT!!!! Tomorrow I am trying again. 

So lets talk about the Hobby Lobby. 

That store STRESSES ME OUT. I want EVERYTHING. And Justine and I seriously both get anxiety over the wonderfulness of everything there (minus the enormous flowers). 

Our last visit I just had to have this little sign. I just adored it and it wasn't crazy priced. I stuck it on my new shelf and it looks so cute. 

I told Rhett, "when you read this, I am saying it to you."

 He told me, "I knew you were going to say that." It totally made me happy that he feels my love.

Hi!

Internship is A LOT. Fortunately my classes are not killing me so I am managing okay. Although if you looked at my laundry pile one might not agree.

Internship is beautiful. It is SO HARD and AWKWARD to be a new person. But that is also good for me to get use to.

But when I got the internship it was a little funny because picturing me as a parole officer is funny. But the thing I am learning is that the parole officers are very much social worky and spend their days supporting people and being advocates for people and caring for them and advising them.

And so far most of the "offenders" (the name for them if they have committed any sort of offense) are not "bad" people. Honestly, so far most of them are addicts. Some would never have committed the other crimes they have committed if they weren't addicts. It is very very sad.

Also I have officially forgot to zip up my zipper THREE times. There are TOO many do dads on my dress pants and I keep forgetting some steps! Ridiculous. 

Once again, facing your fears is the best way to go because you often times find it isn't so bad and you also grow in self esteem from tackling that which you were scared of. True story, guys. I think about it all the time. If something seems scary....go do it. (You know, within reason.)

Woah. You guys. My internship is crazy fascinating. Totally different from what I thought. I am not scared of the clients at all so far. Turns out parole officers are advocates for the clients.

I have been to:

Domestic Violence Court
Mental Health Court
Court for people who have broken parole
Check ins from many clients
Drug evaluations being done
A rape training so I can go into the jail 
Group

It has been super interesting and the people I work with so far have been nice and it seems to be going well.

I had to buy professional clothes. I spent a lot of time shopping for clothes so I would look decent. It was stressful and took so much work finding something that worked half way!

I managed to say two offensive things already and to walk around two SEPARATE times with my zipper down.There are so many snaps and hooks and buttons on my slacks! I get confused!

The guy in charge said to keep me around. I was like a ray of sunshine and that I was still uncynicial. It was because I thought the way the parole officer dealt with his client was so kind and supportive and I mentioned to them how sweet it was to witness.

Seeing some of these things helps affirm to me I am doing the right thing.

SO during Christmas break I finished one of my quiet book pages. I had it sitting around mostly finished for over a year and was glad to get it done. :)

I have totally applied to graduate school.

I remember about four years ago when my first friends started getting their Masters. It was totally like insane to me. Not that they were crazy, just that I hadn't really heard of very many women getting their Master's. Not just normal moms like me. Well, tons of my friends are getting them now. So it isn't quite as cool that I am going for mine...but...for me...it's pretty cool. I will be dang proud.

And when it happens I might be super obnoxious with it. I might throw around my opinions as facts and then remind people that I have a Masters so I would know.

Just yesterday....I have this sweet coworker, Dave (he brought us coconut water and was SO passionate about how unearthly delicious it was...IT. WAS. PUTRID.) who saw me returning the Star Wars game of Risk my kid didn't want for Christmas, and he got all excited and bought it from me.

I asked him if he had played it. He had! Two times by himself.... *crickets* ....and EIGHT times with his wife (who just finished her Masters). She WON ALL EIGHT TIMES. I told David...."Um...yea. She has a Masters!!!! No surprise there!"

So for me to just say I have applied for my Masters and am waiting for my interview is so out of body for me that I don't know who I am!

This week is my internship. Since my blog is now private and like one person reads it now (hi mom!) I can say....I'm so scared!!!! Not of the people.... just of doing a real live job! And I hope I know enough! And am brave enough to go for it!. Those college kids are just so ready to take on the world and I am scared! I gained weight ( I hate myself :( ) and I sent a fortune on just a few professional clothes that I barely even feel comfortable in. But all I know is that my therapist from long ago told me to Face my Fears and I believe in it to my core and have to go for it.

I want to a big juicy life. I think I have thus far in many ways. But I want more of it. I want to get super healthy so I can live a long time and do great things with all my other little old lady friends.

 I hope this is true. I believe it is but sometimes it feels so alone. I hope God cares about my dreams. I was watching this show about this lady who is on TV for decorating. She was adorable. A few things she said about her experience was that she felt God tell her that If she would trust him with her dreams He would make them better than she ever knew. And that His Father heart came unto her. And I love that because I want to feel like God cares about my dreams and what is important to me. And I want to know that God has a Father's heart. When I wonder what a Father's heart is I think of when I visited my friend Jared's house and he brushes his girls hair at night before bed. It is so kind and loving that I thing that is a father's heart is.

 This little cutie and his buddy got to go for show and tell at cub scouts. They were a huge hit! The boys got to hold them for quite a while and we had question and answer time! It was fun.

I loved going into Kate's room and seeing her little Christmas present like this. Baby puppies with their baba's.

Kate Happy to see her sister home from her mission.

Bo's brain is just ALWAYS going. He came to ask me how he could move his eyes in different directions from each other. I didn't think it was possible. We decided to you tube it and we found a video teaching you how to move them opposite ways. Bo and I spent a while watching the video. Haha

I love these pictures of him trying with his eyes....He's so cute.

 Justine was so cute to ask me to wait to get the room ready for Kassidy until she was there to do it with me. So she and I made the beds with new sheets and comforters and the room was really great. Justine and Kate slept in a twin the whole Christmas break next to Kassidy in a twin. They all had a giant sleepover for three weeks.

I ordered this great pillow case from Etsy. We put it under the comforter so when she went to bed the night she got home it would be there.

Okay, kind of  a lot of pictures but Kate had her special spot light day at school. Mrs. Guthrie has taught four of my children. She is also my neighbor and friend. I enjoy her quite a bit.

Kate wanted to bring her pet mice for her show and tell.

The mice were so totally cute that Kate had to block them with her body because they were distracting the kids, haha.

 

Talking about "Thunder" and "Cupcake"

All the kids got a turn to spend like 4. 3 seconds staring at the mice. haha

I decided to do like a one paragraph or picture blog everyday. Maybe if I don't try to cover it all I will cover some of it and that will be better than nothing. AND I love memes and I want to put one in each post too. So there! I love having a blog where you can do what ever you want because you're in charge of it.

I really love my therapist Rachel. She is an empowerment therapist and believes in empowering women. She has finally convinced me that things are my "choice" and I don't have to do things just because I "should". "Should" is a naughty word in therapy. Should takes away your choice. "COULD" is the word you replace it with. I "could" do this or I "could" do that. It gives you freedom to decide. Some people might think that seems rebellious. Or maybe it is just me and my past mindset. In regards to the gospel I think Father in Heaven would rather us do things because we "could" rather than because we "should".

When I read this below I thought of Rachel and the "love" she shows me in therapy and the kindness and support and goodness she gives me. She is very gentle and merciful to my brain that is a lot of chaos right now (and my pocketbook).

I have had some of the nicest women in my life. Thank you to all of you who are nice and women and in my life. :)

I have my own locker (said sing songy)... Nanner Nanner Nanner.

My boss gave me my own locker in our new shoe store. And those numbers are our shoe size. And one of the pesky boys I work with hung hooks in my locker for me.