I feel like I will be more comfortable if I fess up now. I feel like I am maybe one of the most transparent persons alive. I don't keep things private very well. It is a weakness of mine and a strength.
But I keep finding myself feeling heavy hearted when I think of my surgery. I was trying to identify what it is about and I think I know.
I am feeling like a fraud. And I really don't like that feeling AT ALL. I feel like I am not deserving or worthy of this surgery. I feel like I haven't earned it. I feel this way because I have gained back some weight. I look back at my skinnest picture and my heart hurts that I am not that way anymore.
I tried and tried and tried for months to get it off again. And I have fought like crazy one day only to fail the next only to be strong the next day only to fail the next. I set a goal and fail. Set a different goal and fail. Try a different tactic and fail. Try again and fail.
It isn't even about looks and neither is the surgery (Or I'd get a boob job as well!). It is about how I physically feel. How I can cross my legs and run and sit and curl up in bed. I don't every want to be heavy. at all. again.
But I feel like I use to feel. Trapped in eating. I feel like I can't get back where I was. I believe a lot of it is I have failed so many times that I just keep letting myself fail. And I feel like I am an addict. And I feel (I purposely haven't really shared this much on my blog) with the change in my therapist I may be going from one addiction to another. And I have had a lot of stress. But I could make excuses ALL DAY.
Why am I such an addict anyway? It isn't even just food. It is other things too. I have to really figure out how to guard myself. I almost feel like it is guarding myself from lack of discipline.
So I feel that no matter how much weight I have lost....it doesn't matter becasue I gained back that 20 (?). But more concerning then that is the old bad habits are constantly seeping back in. There was a time I was a rock. And now I feel incredibly tenuous.
The Dr. wasn't bothered by it at all and I can still benefit greatly from the surgery and there are still things that he deems medically necessary to be done but I feel like I don't deserve it becasue of that weight I gained back. And more concerning is becasue I don't feel quite stable. I am terrified I am going to gain the weight back. And that would be horrible after I go through that surgery.
But I feel also like I can't pass the opportunity up. The insurance approved it and I won't have to pay anything. I am at a weight that is "good enough" for the surgery. I have things that need to be fixed even if I gain weight back. The Dr. said this often times gets people motivated and feeling good enough to work harder and lose more.
I feel embarrassed that when you lose a lot of weight people are very observant if you gain it back. I don't want to. So when people tell me "I want you to teach me how you lost weight" I feel like such a fraud. Because I am hanging by a thread myself and who am I to teach anyone anything. Or if people tell me I deserve the surgery or how exciting it is I feel like I have to say "Yea, but I am very vulnerable right now. I'm barely hanging in there."
I'm scared. I am going to press forward but I have concerns.
But all I know how to do is start over. Every single time I fail I have to start over again. And again. And again. And I am getting the surgery.
I keep adding to my vision board. It gives me hope. Looking at these pictures and the inspiring words I think I am NOT GOING to give up. But right now I am just so very mad at myself for my failure. I am mad I don't look thinner anymore. And I feel like a faker. I am mad that I have been trying and failing for a long time now.
I hope you guys are there to support me and not judge me too harshly and know I'm trying and it is hard and it isn't as easy as one thinks it should be (just eat carrots). And I don't know why it isn't as easy as it should be. But it's not for me.
I don't drink pop still anymore. So that's one thing.
4 comments:
I seriously LOVE you! I hope you know that! I think you are so amazing and stronger than you give yourself credit for! You have done amazing! And I'm pretty sure your surgery will make you feel even more amazing! You do deserve it, and you aren't a fraud! We all have our bad days/weeks/months, whatever it ends up being. But... we also have the ability to make the most of each day/week/month. Just know that you are inspiring to me! I too struggle with food, it's so annoying, why can't i just crave salad and chicken like ALL the time, it would be so much easier! I'm just rambling now, but really Susan, you are so awesome!! :)
I don't know how many times I've said that I feel like a fraud, too, and so I'm very sad for you, because I understand that place. I've learned that labeling myself that way gets me stuck in the past. It completely shuts me down from progressing and moving forward. As for your surgery, you go girl! Let it be a new start for you. Take care, because I care.
P.S. Is it silly that I thought some of your magnet pins look like candy? :)
Oh, Susan! Every day is a challenge FOR EVERYONE! We just don't see each other's struggles. You are not alone. You couldn't perceive failure if you had not just succeeded ;-).
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