It's been one of my goals for a bit to drive somewhere alone (you know, where I am the grown up in charge). I did it. I managed the roads, I kept the kids alive, I managed the lanes of traffic and I feel FREEDOM ringing in my ears. I can go anywhere I want to now!!!! I am so proud.
When Kristopher use to always tell me to face my fears I had no idea the empowerment one gets from facing those fears. I can't say I was cared to travel, I just never have. Corey always drives and I always read. But it is fun to do it yourself too! One of my huge fears has been I fall asleep. I found to things that keep me awake. I KNOW they are super unhealthy but they are healthier than being asleep and dead. I drank a energy drink....Tastes like COUGH SYRUP! Yuck. I have never had one before! And I ate Slat and Vinegar chips. It kept me awake. And that helps me feel even more free!
So before the trip I decided I had to clean the van spotless. I know it is totally pointless but I did anyway. And I guess it isn't pointless because it was super nice to drive in a clean van for once!
So....I know there is a belief that kids should enjoy the scenery and not watch TV on rides. It totally sounds nice in theory.
I knew I couldn't do it for this 8 hour drive. My littles fight non stop. So I borrowed my friends DVD players and I borrowed like 18 movies from the library and the ride flew by and everyone was seriously DANG happy. Such a blessing.
Another blessing of the trip was getting to bring my Nephew Justin. It was great to get closer to him and he has a lot pf personality. Every picture you see of him he will likely be looking away or being a stinker. My kids are just so trained to tolerate pictures. He protested every one. Justine was thrilled because she got the front seat the whole time.
Okay....so my new therapist Joanna told me to read this book...
Captivating Revised and Updated: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul
It has been a beautiful deeply moving read. I really recommend it. I have spent a very long time wondering who God was and how do I get to know him and how do I get a real live relationship with him. And do I trust Him. Is he safe.
I have spent a very long time thinking me being full of guilt was somehow the way God would want me to feel. I don't know if that makes a bit of sense. And maybe I am not properly writing my feelings. But that is the best way I can describe it today.
I didn't picture God as a gentle man who loved me. Like a daddy. Frankly, I have been pretty scared of Him.
In our church we are also taught to pray to him using terms like Thee and Thou for reverence and respect.
That formality seems to puts a wedge between me looking at him as a loving dad. Did you know when some people pray they call God, "daddy" or "papa"? Interesting.
So part of the book says....
"...As I heard other women talk speak of God the Father, I often heard in their voices a softness, a tenderness, perhaps even a child-likeness that was foreign to me. When I began to hear others praying to "Daddy" or "Papa,' I knew they were speaking to "Someone" I did not know...."
"...for me, that meant that my heavenly Father was distant, aloof, unavailable, hard to please, easily disappointed, quick to anger, and often hard to predict. True, I wanted to please him. But since God the Father was, to me, hard to fathom, and not especially inviting, my relationship centered on my relationship with his Son. Jesus liked me. I wasn't so sure about his dad."
"Years into my Christian life, I began to hunger to know God more deeply as my Father. I asked him to reveal himself to me as my dad. In answer, God invited me to take a journey deep into my heart that took surprising turns and continues still..."
"There is a core part of our hearts that was made for a Daddy. Made for his strong and tender love. That part is still there and longing. open it to Jesus and to you Father God. Ask him to come and love you there. Meet you there. We've all tried so hard to find fulfillment of this love in other people, and it never, ever works. Let us give this treasure back to the One who can love us best."
This book has been teaching me things like...
"God wants to live this life together with you, to share in your days and decisions, your desires and disappointments. He wants intimacy with you in the midst of the madness and mundane, the meetings and memos, the laundry list, the carpools and conversations and projects and pain. He wants to pour his love into you heart, and he longs to have your pour yours into his. He wants your deep heart, that center place within that is the truest you. He is not interested in intimacy with the woman you think you are suppose to be, He wants intimacy with the real you."
Wait....God wants ME TOO?????? I didn't know that.
You know the sentence about "God invited me to take a journey deep into my heart that took surprising turns and continues still..."
That is what has been happening to me this whole time in therapy. For more than three years I have been on this journey that was sometimes weird and confusing and sometimes plain as day that God was intervening. And then to be seeing a different therapist and still be on this journey to finding God..and then to be loving food and trying to figure out the addiction of that and what am I trying to achieve by binging...and to have the right friends and the right people and the right experiences with people....
And one of the weirdest and main parts of learning who God might be was Kristopher. How did some therapist fit into all of this. The gifts of kindness I received from Kristopher while under his care taught me that God just might be very gentle.
I have said ALL along... that none of this, the weight loss, all the therapy, the challenges of going back to school and work, being burned out as a mom, the binging....If I haven't gained a relationship that is true and deep with God then what is the point of any of it? If I don't leave all of those experiences with that relationship then I have failed.
I don't want my challenges to be over until God has "forced" me into the right spot, the correct moons aligning, the correct lessons learned and the correct paths walked on, to learn all the needed lessons to get the most I can to KNOW "Papa".
So I don't even feel bad that this journey is taking so long. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. And I think God is being patient about it all. I think the time frame is all part of it.
Does ANY of that make sense?
I have more to share on this later. I want my girls to know this someday.
No comments:
Post a Comment