I went and saw my new therapist lady. I like her. But she is tough. Nice and tough. I left the session not feeling emotionally well at all because she was "too" tough. But I like her quite a bit and she is probably right.
I went straight to the store and bought chocolates and ice cream And then later had candy bars. Once I have blown it I keep on blowing it. Sometimes blowing it lasts days. Sometimes I convince myself I deserve it because of the thing that made me sad. Often after therapy (good session or bad session) I want to eat. Yesterday I succumbed. And today I was "bad" too. And you know what happens? It SPIRALS me into depression and self damaging thoughts. I feel SO GREAT when I stay on target. And I LITERALLY hate myself when I don't.
As I was sitting in the waiting room there was a mother there with two little girls. The mom was being absolutely wretched to her little girls who were behaving better than other kids I have been around. but she was irritated at them for making too much noise with this flip toy. I didn't even notice them. Then the mom was putting them in time out and just speaking in SUCH a mean tone because she wasn't sitting perfectly still. But they were things like "SIT STILL" and "DO YOU NEED TO SIT IN THE CAR?" I am mad at myself for not telling that mom to SHUT UP!!!! and defend that girl who wasn't doing anything wrong. The little girl finally tucked up her knees and just cried. I almost got up and banged on the door to let me in to my appointment. I was broken hearted for her. Something about people speaking to their children like that hurts me to my core. I almost cried. And the only good thing was that they were their for a first appointment so maybe someone will help the situation. I told my new therapist all about it and got choked up. And then later in the session I had to even revisit it because it broke my heart and I had to retell her.
I have fairly wild children. I always have. I could never be a teacher. I am not good at disciplining them. It just hurts my heart. But my big kids like me. And I am certain it is because of the advice from ANOTHER (what the heck!!!!????) therapist we saw as a family once. Basically whatever "fight" you have with your kids over things, you have to decide if it is worth the relationship you have with them as they grow up. I don't know. I'm totally not perfect and I have no huge answers. But the way that mom spoke to her littles left me sick.
I'm just a bummer the past two days.
Sorry.
The other day after our pizza party Corey handed out the "awards" that I make. I know I have blogged about this before but Corey and I have our own award ceremony since they never seemed to get those kind at school. The kids LOVE (loved, some re getting a little old for it) it.
So next week I am taking my kids on a trip to see their cousins. I have NEVER done that before. I am driving 8 hours with all of them and I am the one in charge. It has been a goal for a bit to GO SOMEWHERE that I have to navigate and manage and do it. So that I can prove tom myself I can. Corey isn't going so it is the perfect time for me to do it! I think it will be fun (and crazy).
Once Kristopher told me to write down successes in a little notebook. I only had about five. I was only writing down big things like got a job, etc...
So the Jack Canfield book I have been reading (slowly) says to do the same thing. But he says to write five a day. No matter what. And it doesn't matter if it is something like...went to bed on time. He doesn't care if they are just little successes.
He says, "By recalling and writing down your successes each day, you log them into your long-term memory, which enhances your self-esteem and builds your self confidence." I think I am going to do it. The book also talks about how if you have more successes you will be more willing to take risks and try thing because you don't have as much to lose if you only have a few successes. Does that make sense?
all that to say, I am driving myself and my chickies on a long trip. And the big kids wish we could leave the little kids home alone. haha. And when I make it there I am writing it down in my scuccess book. And when I make it home I am writing that down too! Darn right.
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