The universe went backwards and I believe in Fairies.

Lately I've thought about not blogging anymore. But I can't bring myself to officially quit and shut it down. I think about my kids and how good of a history this is for our lives. So I don't quit.

 

I am back at turning another year of blogging into a blog book. A company names Blurp has a program that you make the book on. It takes FOREVER. Like for reals. I don't even enjoy it. I have to re create every page. It's kind of like online scrap booking. But I don't do anything to the pages but make the pictures and text look decent. The two books I have done, although expensive, are pretty priceless I think.

 

I have two sad things to say. One is sad sad and the other is just a little sad.

 

The first sad is my mom has been diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension. For over a year now she has suffered from huge breathing problems and been on oxygen at night. She also has had a cough that about makes her crazy. She thought that was due to allergies but she has never been able to get it to go away. I am not sure if the cough is due to the pulmonary hypertension or not though.  She is going to the hospital for therapy on how breathe different and also to learn exercises that she can do. Kids hate to see there parents sick. It makes the universe seem backwards.

 

The other sad probably isn't even appropriate to talk about after I told you the first sad. But I hate awkward sadness. So here it is.

 

I told Kate Santa wasn't real and now it hurts my heart.

 

Corey has always told the kids that Santa isn't real. I didn't really like it but also they were borderline old enough to know so I just didn't get to worried about it.

 

Kate is a tricky little girl. And the whole Santa thing didn't quite add up to her. Especially since Santa lives in our ward and is Santa all year long who gives out mints in the back of the church. But he is also Brother E.  Um.....how does that work?

So she kept asking me and asking me and I would lie and lie. And then one day I said...do you really want to know? And she said yes and I told her the truth. And she has been heart broken ever since. And I was sad. What kind of mother tells her kid that??????

 

And then she wanted to know about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I told her they were all not real. Ummmm.....

 

And then for weeks and weeks she was sad and would tell me she wished I never had told her. *hangs head in shame*

 

So one day I said I lied. He was real. And she didn't believe me but I told her we were going to pretend that I had lied the first time and that he really is real. He's real. He's really real.  For reals.

 

So that is totally what we do. I had to tell all the older kids to never mind that she believed again. Today she innocently asked me how the tooth fairy knows which houses to go to? And at church she asked me if Brother E. was really Santa or just looked like him. I think it stuck!!!!!!!

 

SHEESH. GIGANTIC PHEW. I live in crazy town, people!

 

My new months motto......

 

Love you, mom. My mom is the best human being ever. You all know it's true.

 

 

 

 

plant whisperer lives here. Not really. I just don't kill mine anymore. I'm a good plant owner now.

I think I told you guys that I went against my religion and let Bo and Kate have a TV in their room.

Okay, its not against my religion. But it is against my morals. But it helped my burn out. Now that school has stared they only can watch it on Friday and Saturday  night (see? I'm okay still).

And they really only watch it for a bit and then they fall asleep. But it sure made bed time easier for me. AND they can only watch VHS's on the TV's. Anyway. Whatever. I know I am justifying. But all that to say....

When I saw this sight I died.

Justine AND Nathan in bed with Bo watching the show all together. They were there for the whole movie. Bo was in heaven.

One of my favorite things to do is to go to the thrift store and buy cheap VHS's. I seriously have found some old treasures. Like cartoons of The Lord of the Rings. Nathan and Bo spent days watching those together. Bo just adored the time Nathan spent with him. These little sibling relationships make my heart happy. None of them are perfect. But I really think they will look back fondly of one another.

Haha. Rhett was asleep and not watching.

Kate and her girls. I love how she includes a stuffed animal in each sleeping bag. Did I mention we got these dolls free... One as a gift from Grandma and two American Girl Dolls from a friend GIVING them away. So sweet and generous.

Loving school so much. Loving it. So far a much less intense semester. One dang thing that would be helpful is if I could memorize easier. It is a struggle. I can remember crazy things but to just memorize stuff for tests I really have to work and recite. Today I helped my friend with a fun run for foster kids. It was a great experience and I got to rub shoulders with some professionals and get some advice and input from some pretty experienced people (the boss of the whole place). As I helped my friend I had this piece of paper with my list of things I had to memorize in order. I would look at it, stick it away. Recite in my head. Look at it, stick it away. recite in my head. Over and over. And I am still working on it tonight. And it is only one section of the test. ARG. But it is still fun. In it's own way.  

So ever since I was a girl my parents had this huge hutch. I inherited it. On the hutch were these plants that grow like forever and forever. Sometimes you see them along walls with pins just spreading.... They are like the easiest plant in the whole world.

I kept killing the plants! I really abused them. In order to water them I had to get a stool and stand on it and water them. And I don't know why but it was just a pain and I wouldn't do it until they were wilting and dying. And so they always looked terrible. And they would have like one leaf on a long vine because the rest died. It was really mean of me. So I thought about getting rid of them. But instead I decided to buy some of these....

and I stuck ugly water bottles up in the soil....because I didn't want to spend the money on some of theses....

and I replanted my plants and got rid of the leaves and vines that were crazy long and I replanted some of them and I am proud to say...They look beautiful now. And they are growing and thriving. And I only fuss with them about once every month and a half.

I want to say that stupid phrase from Charlie Sheen....

Winning.

Make sure you check out the bottom of this post! My mom is funny!

I have the worlds cutest neighbor ever. Honest. Nicest girl around.

She has a cute little son and Kate likes to go play with him. He is lots younger. My cute neighbor is patient about it and has agreed to send her home when she doesn't want her to stay.

On Kate's first day of school she gave her a little zip loc bag with some of these...

...in it with a first day of school note. The cookies are "pink erasers". Isn't that to die for? Isn't that the sweetest thing ever? I love her.

I went to her house the other day. She had the cutest board shelf thing with pictures. I asked if I could copy. I mean who really wants your next door neighbor to have the EXACT decorations...? But she said I could and even gave me the stain and a brush. I seriously think she is the cutest.

 

So this is my best effort to prepare for the trauma of after school homework.

I bought a brand new pencil sharpener and I sharpened like thirty new pencils. Now NO ONE can whine at me...."but I can't find a pencil........"

 

Kate was given some American Girl dolls (SO AWESOME) and Grandma gave her a Target one. The grandma has sewed a million little outfits for her. Like so many and SO CUTE. Gorgeous wedding dresses even. I'll find those pictures for next time. So she is a little bit about American Girl dolls right now.

 

She has sleeping bags for each one and we made her book shelf into beds!

Each doll has a little stuffed pet in the bed with her.

So Kate will call my mom and give her "orders" of what clothes she needs next. A zoo keeper outfit was the one I heard last. She has also told my mom she needs a boy! So my mom made one. It seriously CRACKS me up. Here he is. bahahaha!!! He is sitting on his camo bean bag!

He looked something like this before.

 

 

My parents cut her hair and sewed her boy clothes!!! Kate is getting him for Christmas so don't tell!

 

Isn't that the funniest? Thanks Mom!!!! Love you!

 

I cant even describe the glee that fills my soul when I see the Halloween isle come out at JoAnn's. But I also feel frustration. because I want to BUY it ALL. But can't. I just love it all so much. So many fun ideas. Something about all that orange and black and spiders and bats, I love it all.

 

 

 

So a couple of lamo things. This week I helped Kate do her homework. I forced her to write down zero for the answer of about 16 subtraction problems. It was totally not the right answer. It was suppose to be like 8. Like 8 minus zero is 8. But I kept making her put zero. She tried to do it right and tell me but I kept erasing it and making her do zero. What in the crazy world??? My brain is melted!!! I get so stinking busy with a million kids yelling at me for help with this or that and I get so full of "just get it done" that I don't even know what I am doing!

 

I did play Barbie's with her two separate days. She was so so happy about it. I need to 100% do that more even though it is like torture. She is at that age where she tells me everything I am suppose to say and everything my Barbie is suppose to do. Haha.

 

On this assignment I was like traumatized when I saw Bo had put all zeros. It reminded me of the time Rhett got frustrated at school and wrote every answer down as 11. So when I saw all these zero's with Bo I was like NOT.AGAIN. But he was right. Phew.

 

So I took my children's mother sister to school. The change is nice in ways but we love her and miss her. But I love that she still wants me to come take her up. She wanted me to decorate her shelf she told me.

 

 

Most people have um...college books? She has a full page out of Pinterest going on up there.

 

(I saw this in her new roommates room and had to remember it. So great. (genius to use vinyl lettering for decoration at college!)

 

 

Seriously. I just love her. She is pure joy.

 

I forced her to do these pictures just so you know.

 

 

Social work class is so getting real. It actually started to trigger some of my emotions from when I was in therapy. So that was unexpected. But I am once again having SO MUCH FUN every second in class and LOVE all the cute kids I am with. Smart, smart kids going to run our world someday.

I'm better

I am now officially in love with the Christian Rock chanel. I can't even go back to listenting to the other music (I just have normal radio and would just flip station to station from song to song). I love these songs and how they praise God and Jesus. My last religion teacher taught us, to the point of demanding, respect for every hymn because they were prayers. Song swere as serious as prayers on your knees to him and I want to believe him and so I do. And I love these songs. They talk about being held by Jesus and us having power and I can't even describe it very well without finding quotes from the song. But they stir my soul. I have ALWAYS loved religions that openly speak in those beautiful ways of praise. you know, like "God is good", and "Praise baby Jesus" (I kid you not. My college friend told me she grew up with that). There are tons of them and I just like them.

When I got to school this morning I had time so I pulled out my prayer notebook. The week of the fair when I worked SO many hours, I didn't pray. :( Oh! Cept I did! Because I sang all my prayers the whole way there and back! ;) It felt good to have a few minutes to write in my prayer journal. My professor who is one of my favirots reminded us to kneel in the moning before we come to class so that we can know the things we are suppose to know in our education. Learning Social Work stuff feels like important learning because it is going to be helping people and so we really do need to know what the most important things are for us to learn.

I had a way better day today. This is ridiculous but I don't own any clothes. Especially since I am bordering between two sizes and since I ate too much fair junk I am on the wrong side. Anyway, I bought myself a few new clothes and I felt way better. It wasn't for vanity. It was just because I need to feel good about myself. My old therapist believed that. He said it was okay for girls to spend a little money on themselves to feel pretty.

One of the reasons class was so great was because I am learning how to run a group. As in like group therapy. There is a method to how they do it! Actually there is like 13 methods and I get to learn every single one of them!!!!! And it is so exciting. I can't wait!!!!!! And the stuff we were learning just thrilled my soul.

And then in my next class we learned about interviewing someone as a social worker. And the terrifying thing is...the professor brought in a REAL LIVE person for us to interview. NOT ROLE PLAY. So those we had time for, got to interview this man in five minute intervals as Social Workers with questions that we just came up with and that were about very private matters. We all sat in a circle and listened and then we are going to WATCH all of ourselves on camera doing the interview and the teacher will critique EVERY little detail. TERRIFYING but SO EXCITING. It was a beautiful experience today. The interview. The sharing that went on. The intimacy that was needed on both ends.

So I loved class. And I think it might be a easier load. My house has actually been clean this week. That may change as I get more into school. But I need less chaos than the last two semesters were. I need to help my kids every day with their homework and I have been. God is good that math is over!!!!!!!!!!! I had to do three semesters of math. I like it but it doesn't like me back. :(

I was also so happy to run into my most favoritest teacher and one of my greatest educational experiences...Matthew Whoolery. I say that a little painfully because I sure love my other teachers as well. But this guy got my brain all twisted around with different ideas. You should look him up on TED talks. For some reason I am a slugger. I have noticed that before. So as I walk by him in the hall way I gave him a little slug push. Kind of weird. But I'm said "Do you remember me?" He has so many students.... but he did and he was so sweet and we shook hands my favorite kind, the four clasp handshake and we talked about how I read the chapter on schizophrenia that we didn't get to read in class and it was SO AWESOME. It is from a book called crazy like us that talks about how different cultures deal with different illnesses and it was SO INTERESTING. And again, brain twisting. He was so kind and excited and we chatted about it for a minute and I just like that guy so much.

Our school is inexpensive compared to other colleges. The tithing of the members help to appease the costs. I am grateful to be there. I am grateful to be back in school.

So this is what happened to Kassidy last week. For reals!!!! She was bit by something but no ones seems to know exactly what.  She said she is fine now but might have scars. Sad.

Horrible rotten no good yucky day. And I don't really proof read much. Sorry if that is annoying.

It should have been a beautiful day. I love school and I loved my new classes.

But it wasn't a good day. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Today I didn't because I have gained some weight and in the past because I don't belong.

I wonder if that is why I was SO SO happy being at home raising all those babies. I don't feel like I belong out in the real world.

So eating and eating didn't matter because I was home not going anywhere and it felt good. And when I first started school a few years ago I was my skinniest ever and felt so so good about being in my body. But I still felt very un-okay.

So today I just had a loser day of binging and it breaks my heart. And all I know how to do is try again tomorrow. I don't know how else to do anything. Start again tomorrow. Start again tomorrow. I don't know what the other answers are. I don't know how to feel like I belong in the real world sometimes. I am terrified of having a real live profession. The closer it gets the more scared I am.

I read this really great article. It was about the Duggars. it was specifically about Josh Duggar's wife. There was a lot of scandal recently with Josh and it was about Josh's wife being expected to stand by him despite his serious digressions. It was about how she would have to stand by him because of her culture and because of her lack or resources to support her own children. I totally see both sides. I see nobility in forgiveness and I see strength and courage in moving on if that is right. The article was about his wife not having an option. About her having to stay. At the end of the post the blogger said she was going to train her girls to think they breath fire. Something about that I fell in love with. I loved it in regards to what the blogger was talking about and I loved in regards to just being strong and confident. I want my girls to be loving and kind and sweet and Christ filled girls. But I want them to feel capable and strong and courageous and able and I want them to think they breath fire. Read here. (I honestly don't think I have done that at all with my girls.)

So, I think that might be some of my problem. in not feeling great. I don't feel like I can breath fire. I feel weak and dumb and insecure. And now I feel fat too! holycraparama! I know I need to change my self talk but I think some of this is just ingrained in me. I think it might be ingrained in lots of us. I took this so fun artsy type class from The Brave Girls. So so fun. And it talked a lot about going back to your four year old self and those dreams and the way you felt about yourself then before the world beat you up.

Tomorrow will be better. I will make it so. FOR starters... I will not binge. Nothing depresses me faster than out of control eating. It feels good and then it breaks your heart. :(

Can we talk about something else??? Why does my son Rhett want a mullet? What planets in the universe have misaligned that he is over and over again requesting a mullet? Am I a mean mom to say THE H-E- double hockey sticks NO you will not get a mullet! But guess what? I think they are coming back in style. I have seen a few lately. And today....the boy sitting behind me had an honest to goodness mullet. I almost gasped. It was so so mullety.

Look at Heavenly Father's beautiful creations. I mean, guys. These are crazily bright yellow and brown snakes. They were beautiful and crazily weird colored.

Bo got to spend an afternoon with Grandma Carolyn and Grandpa Dale. I had to be at work and Justine had to take Kate to the Dr. for strep throat. She was so sad. Justine was so good. She had to spend hours with her at the Dr. and at the pharmacist. I gave her a special gift when I left her for college. She helps me so much. Taylor Swift perfume.

 

Anyway.... Grandpa took Bo to the farmers market and Bo zeroed in on this hat and had to have it. Dale had no idea what it was and couldn't understand why Bo wanted it. But he is a sweetie and Bo got it. Lol.

 

And cause this busted me up. I had to buy it for a friend.

 

hi guys. I'm quitting sugar.

I had the busiest last week ever. I worked like fifty hours. It is our state fair and my work has a booth. So we all spent out time between there and our store.

It is always fun and exhausting. I never stop feeling grateful for my kind boss. He treats us very, very well. I love his wife and his kids and I truly know his business does so well because he is a great human being and really treats all customers very fair and helps them the most he can when their boots have failed them.

We gives us money for fair food. So it is fun to try the different food. And then I am ALWAYS reaffirmed that fair food is gross and I have no idea why we all think we are going to love it so much. So I have been doing my usual battle with quitting sugar and then not quitting it. I am disappointed in myself and my lack of commitment. I am confused if I am filling  myself with food instead of God kind of thing or if I am just chemically addicted to sugar (YES) or what to do. I quit and then think I will be okay to have just one and then fail. And I don't know how to make myself stick to it? I want to but then why don't I? My work friends have seen me do this over and over again. I told my boss I needed someone to offer me a hundred dollars to not do it for 3 months. I said something to my boss about him probably being a safe bet (Since I have failed so many times). He was completely serious and said, "No, I think you could do it...." Sometimes we don't know how much encouragement from one person to another can mean. Sometimes we don't know that we believe other people when they say we can... or can't. I am going to believe him that I can. I am going to just choose to believe him. Cause that self talk stuff is suppose to be pretty important.

The other day a man brought some boots it and he was a little down and out and his boots were really down and out. So I told my co worker we were going to make his boots beautiful for him. He hadn't asked that we do much on them and he was a very nice man.  I loved that my co worker took over and worked hard to give him new eyelets while I glued areas and treated them with leather protection. We made those boots great. I was proud of us.

I wish I needed a new back pack. I want this one and I don't even like pizza.

They have a donut one as well. But I am just not sure me and my thighs should really be walking around with a donut back pack. Plus I might try to eat it.

 

Tomorrow is my first day of school. I am expecting to have a wonderful semester. When I got my books I almost felt gleeful as I looked at each one and they great subject matters I get to learn. Have I ever mentioned I had no desire to go back to school? I thought it sounded super NOT fun. I was wrong. And the best news...I AM DONE WITH MATH!!!!!