But it wasn't a good day. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Today I didn't because I have gained some weight and in the past because I don't belong.
I wonder if that is why I was SO SO happy being at home raising all those babies. I don't feel like I belong out in the real world.
So eating and eating didn't matter because I was home not going anywhere and it felt good. And when I first started school a few years ago I was my skinniest ever and felt so so good about being in my body. But I still felt very un-okay.
So today I just had a loser day of binging and it breaks my heart. And all I know how to do is try again tomorrow. I don't know how else to do anything. Start again tomorrow. Start again tomorrow. I don't know what the other answers are. I don't know how to feel like I belong in the real world sometimes. I am terrified of having a real live profession. The closer it gets the more scared I am.
I read this really great article. It was about the Duggars. it was specifically about Josh Duggar's wife. There was a lot of scandal recently with Josh and it was about Josh's wife being expected to stand by him despite his serious digressions. It was about how she would have to stand by him because of her culture and because of her lack or resources to support her own children. I totally see both sides. I see nobility in forgiveness and I see strength and courage in moving on if that is right. The article was about his wife not having an option. About her having to stay. At the end of the post the blogger said she was going to train her girls to think they breath fire. Something about that I fell in love with. I loved it in regards to what the blogger was talking about and I loved in regards to just being strong and confident. I want my girls to be loving and kind and sweet and Christ filled girls. But I want them to feel capable and strong and courageous and able and I want them to think they breath fire. Read here. (I honestly don't think I have done that at all with my girls.)
So, I think that might be some of my problem. in not feeling great. I don't feel like I can breath fire. I feel weak and dumb and insecure. And now I feel fat too! holycraparama! I know I need to change my self talk but I think some of this is just ingrained in me. I think it might be ingrained in lots of us. I took this so fun artsy type class from The Brave Girls. So so fun. And it talked a lot about going back to your four year old self and those dreams and the way you felt about yourself then before the world beat you up.
Tomorrow will be better. I will make it so. FOR starters... I will not binge. Nothing depresses me faster than out of control eating. It feels good and then it breaks your heart. :(
Can we talk about something else??? Why does my son Rhett want a mullet? What planets in the universe have misaligned that he is over and over again requesting a mullet? Am I a mean mom to say THE H-E- double hockey sticks NO you will not get a mullet! But guess what? I think they are coming back in style. I have seen a few lately. And today....the boy sitting behind me had an honest to goodness mullet. I almost gasped. It was so so mullety.
Look at Heavenly Father's beautiful creations. I mean, guys. These are crazily bright yellow and brown snakes. They were beautiful and crazily weird colored.
Bo got to spend an afternoon with Grandma Carolyn and Grandpa Dale. I had to be at work and Justine had to take Kate to the Dr. for strep throat. She was so sad. Justine was so good. She had to spend hours with her at the Dr. and at the pharmacist. I gave her a special gift when I left her for college. She helps me so much. Taylor Swift perfume.
Anyway.... Grandpa took Bo to the farmers market and Bo zeroed in on this hat and had to have it. Dale had no idea what it was and couldn't understand why Bo wanted it. But he is a sweetie and Bo got it. Lol.
And cause this busted me up. I had to buy it for a friend.
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