Just going to be open and honest here. I am typing on the way to Boise to have my interview for grad school.

I feel like I have no idea who I am in these professional clothes and doing this. I basically made these decisions alone. I just decided I was doing all of this and went for it. But I have concerns. The whole school thing has been expensive. And I am not really going into a field that pays that much. And sometimes I feel so inadequate. Like at the internship they are ready for me to start running the groups. The weight gain honestly saps my self-confidence. And that is ridiculous. I watched this awesome thing about how our bodies are just our shells and don’t define us. So regardless of my weight gain I should just go forth with my insides that I have been trying to develop shining through.

Anyway. Whatever. I am excited and proud of myself for getting all of this done. It hasn’t been killer hard. I think if I can do practically anyone can. It just takes the time to get it done. Grad school may be a whole different story so I will let you know.

The one thing that keeps ringing in the back of my head is the other night when I mentioned to Bo and Rhett that I was almost done with school but then would do grad school Rhett was like why? Like he was confused that I might actually use my schooling when I was done and have a career. And I felt kind of badly because I never wanted to be a career person and it feels so contradictory to who I am. I wanted to always just be the mom at home. But certain life circumstances propelled me this direction. And it is different than I ever thought it would be. And I am always reconciling that in my mind. This internship has been major. I have not been home after school three days a week and sometime gone until the evening. I don’t like it but it is also nice for me to do this. I had a professional tell me the other day it was high time I did this for myself. In a way I agree. I want to work on myself. But when my little 10 year old groans that I am doing school because now I never do fun things with him anymore…..my heart cries a flood of tears. But then I think…huh??? What fun stuff was I doing with you before???? Lol. And I think….whenever I do fun activities…like making adorable cupcakes with Kate…

I can barely get you to join in anyway because you are glued to the iPad. So I don’t know if I should feel so bad or not. And…I took you on a trip in the summer that I would have NEVER have gone on before. So I don’t know if he is trying to guilt me or express that I am not around as much or what. But it hurts my heart and I don’t even know if I am doing the right thing. And it is costly in the financial way also. And will I even be able to be that good at this job? I want to be really really good. And I want to like it.

So those are my thoughts as I am headed to my grad school interview. Corey is driving me down because there is a Skippers in Boise and he adores that place. So I am typing as we go listening to this horrendous 80’s station he likes when I really want to listen to my Christian rock station. Haha.

But I also am proud of myself for going for all these things that are scary and push me over and over. Like running a group myself.

A few people have helped me face these scary things.

My sister in law Tracy who told me “You are just as good as any of those people (the other professionals I work with) they are just further along in the process.” So whenever I go into a room that is with all of these professionals and I feel insecure I lift my head up and think I am just as good as any of these people.

MY sister in law Wendy who once told me “Everyone is faking it!” Meaning that when I think everyone else has al the answers and can do the job so much better, everyone is just trying to figure stuff out themselves too and sometimes you just fake it and act like you know what you are doing and go forward. She wasn’t referring to me exactly, obviously you don’t want to do surgery and fake it, haha, but she was talking about life in general.

Kristopher “face your fears”. The growth I received from facing those first few fears, mainly that first step to work at the boot store which was TERRIFYING, more terrifying then going to a grad school interview, really taught me that if you are scared of something DO IT. I was scared to work in Adult Parole and Probation. I was scared of all of it. Some of my class mates wouldn’t even go interview at the table with the Parole officers at the job fait because they just looked so intimidating. But here I am. Running a group next week with felons and probationers. And I am not even scared of them anymore either. Wisely cautious. But not scared.

Here is a picture of me at the college for my interview.

Why yes I am hiding behind the sign. 

Corey was going to hoist me up on this so I could lay on it for the photo but I literally was going to pee my pants from laughing and ruin my new clothes! So then when we went to do it after we forgot.

I am on my way home right now. I have some thingy that you plug into the thingy in the car that lets my lap top work. So I am 100% overwhelmed! I am completely stressed out. It sounds like so much work and more interning and I am just concerned how to do it and be mom.

It sounded like so much. But I also realize that I get overwhelmed until I really see the plan and the classes and the time and the thought of a Masters just SOUNDS so scary that I need to check into it more before I freak too much. And here is the thing….if not this then I will end up working so I might as well get this done while I am going. I just want my little kids to be okay.

And I want to weight 30pounds less. Is that too much to ask???? Really??? Ugh.

So the interview was 2 HOURS LONG!!!! I am so glad I went into it so blind because I had no time to be nervous. Plus I am getting so good at facing my fears that I was just like…eh. Ill deal with it when it comes. SO I had to do four different stations. ½ hour each. Interview, role play, role play, and a written essay to see that we really can write and that we aren’t just good at having someone edit our stuff. They were all super nice there. The guy I role played with was a former student and now a therapist and I felt completely at ease with him so I think it went pretty well. On the first role play she had no negative critiques of me and positive things to say and on the second role play they actually said I had done the best of the day so far….which it was only 1:00 haha, so who knows. But honestly the only reason I nailed that pat was cause…duh, I am a mom! Problem solving is what we do! J

So one of the profound things the women taught me in the women’s group at Adult Parole and Probation is something they are told to do that they REALLY embrace. “Breath and focus on your task!!!”

Makes total sense! Yesterday one of the PO’s had work to do in the jail. So he took me with him to the very center where the guards are at with the jail pods all around them. Kind of like a wagon wheel. So you could see the inmates doing their thing all around you. The guards keep it a bit dark where they are at so they can’t be seen very well. I was trying so hard not look like a wimpy girl but it was totally hopeless. J Let’s just say it was completely…wild.

Can’t I bring all my cute little college kids with me to Graduate school? I love them so much.