Figures. Just figures.

You are just never going to believe the sadness that happened today.

So Rhett and I are super excited to go in and get our 4 scoop cone. We have talked about it for more than a month.

I attempted to confirm that they are still a dollar a scoop even if I get four scoops.

SHE DID NOT CONFIRM BACK!!!!! DID. NOT. CONFIRM. BACK.

Dollar. scoop. ended. last. week.

Yes.

Fo reals!

Why oh why did we not get our four scoops last week. MAJOR BUMMER.

BUT....I had promised my  kid.

We had planned for it.

We had promised with a handshake that we were going to try different flavors.

It was a big ordeal.

So...why yes, thank you very much, on a very tight budget, I did indeed, spend 18 dollars (Camy, close your eyes!) on ice cream.

MAJOR BUMMER.

But he won't forget it those four scoops. ever. And I don't regret it. I had made a promise and I wasn't backing down.

Justine just happened to be tagging along. She got one little scoop (thankfully). And she barely finished it. I am happy for her. She doesn't care about food in an unhealthy way.

So yesterday was massive wind that blew our fence down.

Today is massive snow that warranted a family trip to the hot tub.

Tomorrow will probably be hot. The weather here is hilarious to me. People get all riled up about it and I think it is just fun.

Kristopher group day today. It is astonishing how quickly I have grown to love those girls in my group. Like I have known them forever. Hugs and I love yous every time we leave each other. I am grateful to be able to go.

OH!!! And.....TODAY at therapy Bo got to climb the rock wall again. AND HE RANG THE BELL!!!! (When you reach the top there is a bell) Lol. He got up there and started ringing it over and over and we couldn't stop him because...you know...he was at the top! Funny.

It was so great. He worked through his fear. He told Nicolas when he was down that he was scared to go to the top but he did it anyway. So amazing.

 

 

 
Today I looked at Kate as she sat nicely in her chair and watched Bo rock climb...

Maybe life is going to be okay after all. Maybe I am going to survive without needing a lobotomy. She sat there so peacefully and happy and so well behaved. And then later in the car I told her how cute she looked in her new hand me down pants. She said "And you look cute in your shirt!" Ha ha. She is growing up. And I just might survive. (look how long her hair is getting! Often she tells me with total disgust, "Why did you let them cut my hair like a boy!!!???" I remind her why and I think she has finally quit cutting her hair!

go to bed already!

I don't know why but it really bugs me to have a bunch of emails and FB messages that I don't need that I just need to go through and delete. So that is what I have been doing. Deleting everything I don't need. Feels likes sort of a waste of time.

But I found this funny thing that is EXACTLY what happens at my house(minus ironing and button sewing!). In fact, it is why I stay up so late. Because it is too much work to get to bed. Lol.

WHY I LOVE  MOM
 
Mom  and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting  late. I think I'll go to bed."
    She  went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's  lunches.
Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out  of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal  box levels,  filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls  on the table and  started the coffee pot for brewing the next  morning.  

She  then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into  the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose  button.

She  picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on  the charger and put the telephone book into the  drawer.

She  watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to  dry.
 
She  yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the  desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the  field trip, and pulled a text book out  from hiding under the  chair.

She  signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the  envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She  put  both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face with 3  in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting  moisturizer, brushed and flossed her  teeth and filed her  nails.

Dad  called out, "I thought you were going to  bed."
"I'm  on my way," she said.
 
She  put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then  made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was  on.

She  looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and  TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into  the hamper,  and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing  homework.  

In  her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day,  straightened up the shoe rack. She added three  things to her 6  most important things to do list. She said her prayers,  and  visualized the accomplishment of her  goals.  

About  that time, Dad turned off the TV and  announced to no one in  particular. "I'm going to bed."
 
And  he did...without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here?  Wonder why women   live  longer...?
 
CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR  THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to  do!!!!)   

Funny, huh! I liked it.

Our kid's school has been collecting shoes to send to 3rd world countries. Our school has collected 2000!!!!! Amazing. I am so proud of the lady who organized this. I want to do big things like that but I am weary.

I totally lost it tonight. Corey brought home pizza and I ate a lot (and...I don't like pizza). And then I went to the gas station and got two candy bars. I am so disappointed in myself. I don't know why I do it. :(

popcorn is good. And low cal.

When Kristopher suggested it would be healthy for me to get a job I kicked and scream. And rolled on the floor a bit, knashing my teeth.

I WAS A STAY AT HOME MOM!!!!!

I couldn't work!

But guess what? I like it. It's healthy for me. I have gained some confidence in learning new and scary things. I have made friends at the boot store. Most of the customers are nice to me and seem to like me okay. My co-workers really mean a lot to me in ways they couldn't understand and I would never tell them. I have seen my fears grow into accomplishments. I have cool new shoes.

For ME, staying at home was extraordinarily important. And I did it for 18 years. And I hope I don't give my little kids the shaft, but for my own life vitality, it is time for me to get some different things going in my life, along with mothering.

Working has been good for me. I am not gone very much. And when I am gone the kids are mostly with dad or grandparents. Last week, Kate and my mom went to the zoo!

 

 

I love these pictures of Kate brushing the goats. SO SO MUCH LOVE!!!!!

 

Like isn't that the happiest little goat brusher alive? Kills me. Thanks mom!

 

Last week Kate and Grandpa Dale went and fed the ducks! BY. THE. FLOWING. WATER...That gives me a panic attack. She is still talking about that day!

I have been learning to have some fun just for me. I am learning to not feel guilty about it.

Justine and I went to dinner and a movie last night. I have an amusement park chaperone trip planned with Nathan and Kassidy, I have a trip to Utah planned with Rhett and Bo and my parents for a reunion, the girls and I have our GLORIOUS trip to California planned, Justine and I are coaching t-ball again....we are the Crocodile Hunters! (I miss you still, Steve!)

And... I am enrolled in online school in the fall. My major is still unclear to me. I read over ALL the choices and only one or two stand out to me. One makes zero money. So I just don't know what to do yet.

It is a life path I didn't know was even going to be important to me.

This week my friend Linda went back to school. She has stayed at home forever. And it has been hard on her. But she has been an incredible mother. She really felt like she should go back to school.

It has been so fun seeing her this week. Doing this for herself has brought her back to life and has given her energy and EXCITEMENT. It's been so exciting to watch. I love her so much and am so happy for her.

She came to visit me at the boot store. She had a new ward robe and she looked so cute and collegy I just had to take her picture.

Why are teenage and preteenage boys so rough and loud and obnoxious and stinky? "Why won't anyone wrestle with me?" ummm...Idk!

High School Happenings.

 

I found this super funny.

Kassidy is killing me. How is she graduating? It hurts my heart and thrills me all at the same time.

She is going to Prom (I'm chaperoning! heck yes!) She is going to an all night party for graduation night (I'm chaperoning! Heck yes!) Maybe it is just because she is my first but I want to see all these important milestones.

So, we went Prom dress shopping and then out to lunch with some of her girl friends. It was fun (even though she got fairly tissy when the dress wasn't working the way she wanted). She has been blessed with sweet friends. And one sweet sister.

 

Her dress is like this one only a teal color.

It is very important to me not to raise entitled children. It can happen even if you don't mean it to. I have actually been very glad we couldn't indulge her or I might have. She paid for her own prom dress rental, cap and gown, yearbook, and many other things. And she never complains. Recently it occurred to me...am I supposed to get her a graduation gift? I have friends who have done trips, laptops, etc...and I have friends who have done nothing. I want to do something...but not much. Suggestions?

The young looking girl in the middle is actually Kassidy's history teacher. WE LOVE HER. She is southern and she is so fun to listen to. I want to listen to her all day long. She has done similar for Kassidy as her beloved 8th grade teacher did. Loved her. Played around with her. Made her feel important.

The teacher put on an improv night. They did games like on that show "Who's line is it?". It was such a fun night.

 

I can't think of anything more terrifying than being in an impov. But the kids did GREAT. Kassidy was funny and did an awesome job.

People who know me know I am not a laugh out louder. It gets so embarrassing when my boss tells me jokes because I am just not amused easily sometimes. But this improve had me laughing out loud the whole night. Fun.

I just have stuff to say.

My niece has dread locks.

I cannot help but love them.   I just love her actually.

 

I am so very proud of her and love her for marching to her own drum. She is unique and smart and fascinating. And I love her dread locks and all the cool beads and peacock fake dread locks she puts in them.

She was eight when I married Corey. I was ecstatic to be an Aunt. I found a way to have her and her little sister Allison in my wedding. They handed out silly little quotes to people that I just thought were so romantic. Ha ha.

I love that now she is grown, we are friends. I love that whenever we see each other we hug. I don't know why I love that. I guess connection (Kristopher says we in a world of people starving for connection).

SO here is her latest cool hair.

AND...COOL Baskin Robbins news!!!! Today was our weekly visit. AND...it just so happened to be customer appreciation day and we received two LARGE scoops for a dollar each. SCORE. Normally it is a dollar for a baby scoop.

Here is Rhett having a sample. That is a requirement. And then it is a requirement that I still get the same flavor anyway.

Happy Birthday to Corey! He hiked 16 miles. That is his idea of F.U.N. WEIRD!

I didn't make him a cake. I'm lamo like that. In fact, he didn't even have ice cream. I was too full from Baskin Robbins! Ha ha. Just kidding!  I bought him his favorite chips and salsa from our local Mexican restaurant.

There was a really hot springs he sat in. (Some of you may remember this and this horrid hike I went on....I might try it again this year now that I have lost weight...)

He just got back from being out of town. Little miss Katie missed him. It was pretty sweet. He was so happy to get to eat at Skippers everyday. Our Skippers closed down years ago and he hasn't been the same since.

Since I showed you the horrible hiking links of me, here is a recent picture (in my new Jay Lo (who cares!) shirt). I own no shirt sleeve shirts! I had to buy one!) This is my friend Aine! She is 42 and pregnant! She deserves an AWARD! She is so so great. I adore her. She has the best happiest laugh ever.

Shoot! I have too much to say. My BFF started college yesterday. She text me during the day and said she was having the time of her life. She said one whole class applauded her for going back to school. She said that made it all worth it. :) I'm so proud of her! I miss having her to call everyday (even thought it has only been two days) but she is awesome. And she is going to change history!

 

CHRISTINA! Your turn is coming. Don't lose hope.

what's up in my therapy world!

Therapy with Kristopher has been such an interesting experience. His take on the world is much different from the "takes" I am use to. It has been truly fascinating and it has been changing my thinking.

Let's be honest. When people go to therapy they change. And I don't know why, but I have been leery of going to therapy and becoming "weird". Does anyone else think that can happen or is it just some idea I have?

I hope I haven't gone weird. I know I have changed a lot of my thinking. And I know it has been a year of ups and downs for me.

I know I have had more sadness and anxiety than I use to. I know that has concerned some of my friends.

Last visit Kristopher asked how my emotional state was. I told him I was sad. And unsettled. He said it was because I wasn't numbing myself down through my food addiction anymore.

I know there are people who are on the fence still about food being an addiction. I was too, at one time. But I believe it now. Actually, I know it now.

Because from the second I got into therapy and was able to give Kristopher my feelings to sort through, instead of having to digest them all myself, the food battle became manageable for me. And since I gave up binging (almost), I have lost my soothing mechanism and have had to just feel stuff.

And "stuff" hurts. Lots of times it isn't even anything specific. It is just an underlining feeling that all is not well in my world. That the joy of life has been sucked out if I don't have 20 brownies to look forward to. Sick, huh? That's why I know it's addiction. But it is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

So yes. I have had a lot more ups and downs this year. I have thought a lot. But I have lost 80 pounds. And I have had several people tell me I look different from the inside out. I am gaining inner peace. Lesson by lesson. Week by week. Painful lesson after painful lesson. Kristopher told me I would never have been making this progress if I was still numbing myself up with food (although, sometimes I relapse). I am working up the guts to ask Heavenly Father to take that desire completely away from me. I'm scared He really will. I am not sure I am ready to be completely without it. I know that is probably dangerous thinking. But step by step, I suppose.

About addiction....when I read Kristopher's book it was one of the first times I realized all the things that are addiction. Maybe a lot of people don't realize/believe they are addictions. But there are a lot of things that do the same thing to the brain as those more traditionally accepted addictions. Here is a list of Kristopher's other addictions (if you wonder why he has some listed you can see more details in his book) and something he says in his book that I think is important.

Pornography, Sexual Acting out, Alcohol abuse and dependency, Drug use, Music, Fantasy, Eating disorders, Cutting, Burning, Self mutilation, Lying, Manipulation, Sleeping, Victimization, Martyrdom, Work, Spending money, Body piercing and tattooing, Violence.

"Many people try to justify their so-called coping skills by saying what they do isn't really self-harm. But I believe what we do to distract ourselves from directly coping with stress is self-harm. We become biologically addicted to the neurochemicals released in our brain that create a "feel-good" feeling when we repeat thoughts or behaviors to which we are addicted. Self-harm brings a pay off inside the brain" (buy his book for the rest. :) ) HERE!

So here is where I am at in therapy. I think I have crossed a major milestone. It was super painful. And mentally time consuming. And weeks of talking myself down from panic. And as I look back over the last month, I can see that Heavenly Father was leading me to this point. In His bread crumb trail manner. Step by step. Precept by precept.

I suppose I could be completely wrong. And I have just been suffering for no good reason. But I am choosing not to believe that. Because when I look back, I am convinced He is leading me somewhere important. But since I am not done with the journey, I guess I have no proof

So here is the low down.

I went to therapy for item A. But then item A decided it wasn't time. It is actually not my item A. So item A might sit there for a while until God decides to intervene in item A's behalf. And I am learning and relieved and happy that that is okay.

I went to this awesome class today. The speaker said about God "He doesn't need me to heal my children. He needs me to get out of the way and heal myself."

 And that is what I have been doing. Healing myself. And when the time is right, God will heal my child. And I am trusting now in His timing. And I am grateful for the knowledge and the relief that I don't have to fix it. He will. When it is right and best for item A. Even if I want it fixed now. I know it will be restored when it is right. And trusting in that gives me great peace.

So after item A was on pause I went for item B. Item B was addressed but is ongoing.

And then....

Suddenly item C started rearing it's ugly unexpected head. What the chicken! Some may think I am digging up trouble. I might have thought that in the past. But a patient God is taking me somewhere. And a patient (mostly) therapist is my cruise director. Only I am NOT tipping him! Sheesh! He refuses to carry my baggage! :)

I now believe that healing item C will heal many other items.

I told Kristopher I felt like we had woke up a sleeping giant (item C) that I didn't even know was asleep. I have been growing fairly irritated about it. Why did we wake up this giant? What was the point? I felt happier and much better when the giant was asleep. I wasn't feeling any of this before!  (You mean before when I was eating myself into mental and physical prison?)

When I vented to Kristopher about why in the world couldn't I just go back to not addressing this issue (there wasn't pain then), he asked me..."Why do you think God would want you to have this experience? Why wouldn't you want the giant to awaken?"

Uh...cause it HURTS!

Up until he asked me that, I was just trying to figure out how to stop feeling item C.

Kristopher is often perplexed by people trying to escape feeling pain. I do. Pain is something I avoid. I don't want to feel an ounce of pain. Pain is bad. Right? I will do whatever to not feel pain. Including numb myself up with food for 20ish years.

Kristopher, cause he's just weird wise like that, looks at pain as good. As an opportunity. As the "best news of the day". Different thinking, huh!? But I am starting to get it! And it makes parenting easier. To look at my kid's pain as an opportunity for them. To embrace pain as something good. (That is a hard pill to swallow)

Back to Kristopher's question, ..."Why do you think God would want you to have this experience?" (of the sleeping giant waking up and hurting me...)

He answered  for me that God would want me to have this experience for my growth. That the sleeping giant has been awoken for my growth and for my life experience.

And I understood. And I believe it. And I quit fighting it and embraced it as truth.

Because  item C was so darn exciting, item D decided to come along for fun also. A few sessions ago I was was sick of item C and it's stupid friend item D. I didn't understand either item and decided I should just quit therapy so all these items would just go. away. Honestly sounded like a good plan.

And Kristopher agreed I could do that and item C and D would likely go back to sleep. But he wants me to face fear and to face hurt and believes people need to plow through their fear and not give up. (He told me that when he had to call me to discuss me quitting. :) Yeah. I'm high maintenance like that some days.)

Also frankly, Kristopher and I had a few frustrating therapy sessions between us. That broke my heart. And for about two weeks I spent time trying to analyze what was going on inside of me. For reals! What was going on!

And for two weeks, I believe from the bottom of my soul, that God sent me a little clue here, and a little answer there, and a little memory here, and a little nudging there.

And when Kristopher and I met again, I had put much of the puzzle together. And somehow...so had he. And we came together with our pieces and fit it into one puzzle with lots of answers for me as to what in the world item C and D are all about and why they matter now in my life. And why waking up the sleeping giant really was the best thing. I hope. It is still in progress.

However, I have had much peace since my last session. Which, yes, was only a 2 days ago, but still... I'll take it. I am grateful for it. I feel like I have been working and have earned it. But I am also so so grateful for it.

And I am so, so excited that God has been taking me on this journey. And I always hope and pray I am making the most of it. And learning the most I can from it. And sharing with anyone who cares, anything I am learning, that might help them. Because I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn it, I really want to share it.

The end.

this and that. and this.

I took Rhett to our after basketball practice night Baskin Robbins treat. He has decided orange sherbet is his new favorite.

On the way home we listened to the music loud. The rule is you have to dance or sing. He sang. He is pretty cool that way. I danced.

We were PRETTY excited that Baskin Robbins had a nice little surprise for us.

A NEW DOOR HANDLE SHAPED LIKE A BASKIN ROBBINS SPOON!!!!! It was the greatest thing ever of all the great things that don't matter that much.

Today I was so happy to get to see Bo rock climb for his first time ever during his therapy. He is a CLIMBER! It is actually a sign of kids with sensory integration issues. Apparently they need that sensory rush.

He did so awesome. It was his first time. He didn't make it to the top. I was really surprised when he tearfully said he wanted down. I didn't think he had any fear in him while climbing. But he still did awesome. He is a little sweetie pie.

He keeps making up his own reward charts and then checking them off (in a matter of five minutes) and then telling me I owe him five dollars for accomplishing his chart. And he means it! I owe him! Little rascal.

I love his therapist Nicolas. So sweet and gentle. It is hard not to really love these people who are so kind to your kids.

 

 

Have I mentioned lately how much I like my boss and coworkers? They are really kind men. And fun. I'm happy there. I have struggled with those terribly long days. Because of other reasons we had to rearrange the schedule and now my days won't be so long. I am glad.  And seriously...I own cool shoes. It's just the way it has to be when you work at a shoe store. I have no control over it.

I'm not going to lie. Do I ever? :) I am struggling a bit. With food. I learned today that it had been numbing me all this time. That is why things have seemed sadder for me since I gave up food. I am feeling all my feelings instead of numbing them away. Tonight though, I am numbing them away. Like an alcoholic would. The thing I am sort of learning is I think now that I know it's powers it doesn't work very well anymore.It has lost a lot of it's magic. Because I know it just causes me more trouble in the end. And I am disappointed in myself. Kristopher's plan is to teach people to feel their feelings and to stand it. I asked what if I couldn't stand it. He said if I was alive I was standing it.

*crickets*.....That's helpful. Thanks.

Today I went looking for some fabric at the craft store. I was super disappointed to see a million darling owls. I have to quit loving them now. There are too many to collect. And I am annoyed that they are so popular. Blah.

On a happy little retail therapy note...I saw a lady who put coordinating fabric on the back of all her quiet book pages. So now I have an excuse to buy darling, coordinating fabric. Night.

Brush those pearly whites

I swear I am getting anxiety every time the news comes on. What is the world coming to? How many times are we going to go through these crazy terrible events? I am so so sad about the tragedy at the Boston marathon. Heart breaking.

Rhett's reading teacher was in the race. We were happy to hear she is okay. 1/2 mile away from the explosion and probably traumatized, but safe.

It makes me remember as a mother that we must raise tough human beans to go through all that they have to go through in the world today.

Tough and kind. That is my goal. And to know where to turn when all else fails, and certainly before all else fails. That one I feel like I am failing at. My example and daily life are not near good enough for that. I keep trying to do too much without asking for help from my Father. I am a doubter far too often that He really cares about me.

"help me in my unbelief"

I loved this talk because of the gentle way he spoke about faith and those who struggle with it.

I really didn't get the following pages done this fast. I had them mostly done a year ago and was just finishing up.

Here is the pattern from my favorite quiet book lady. And the little girl idea I saw online somewhere but don't know who to give the credit too. Sorry.

Here are my newest pages...

 

 

You open her mouth and brush her teeth. It is SO FUNNY!

 

and....creepy. This was the view of her I had the whole time I was working on her. Her mouth doesn't stay shut. It's a little weird. I admit it.

 

The coordinating page:  (yes! A real mirror! Non glass)

The tooth paste has a magnet in it and it can move from the tube to the brush.

This is the faucet with water coming out into the sink.

 

Those are the worst teeth ever!

 

What do you think? Super funny or what?