Teeth are people too!

So if you have read my blog for a while, you know the struggles I had with being overwhelmed with being a mom. And you know that all of my kids totally survived pretty good without me brushing their little teeth a whole lot. And I already confessed to how horrible it is of me and that I am bad and neglectful. But all of my big kids brush regularly on their own now and they are fine. My sweet Bo however didn't have the same teeth as my other kids or something and he ended up with a lot of cavities and I got in trouble with the dentist for his plaque build up.

 

I am pleased to announce that he just had his last appointment a few days ago, He had missed his 6 month check up so he hadn't been in a year, and I have good news.. That actually never happens. Despite my bad brushing enforcements, I do take them to the dentist every time I am suppose to. 'Cept that once. Anyway....I have really been working with him and he brushed every night. He still really wants me to tuck him in at night. If I don't get right to it and he I cold he will cover himself up. Then when he sees I have come he will kick all his perfectly good covering up...off. So that I can give him a mom fresh cover up. It totally annoys me! I'm like...DON'T kick all your covers off! But it is sweet that he just wants me to do it. Anyway, all that to say, when he asks me to cover him up I refuse until he has brushed. So then he brushes and I cover him up and say HIS prayer for him. He wont say his own. So I say it for him. SHEESH!!!! I'm an enabler! So all of that to say....HE HAD NO CAVATIES!!!! FIRST TIME EVER. And his gums looked good again even tough last time they didn't. PHEW.

 

Seriously proud of myself over it. That's pathetic. Lol.

 

So when the dentist informed him he still had like four baby teeth, he didn't know he had any left, he started wiggling and wiggling and had one pulled out by night. And then he came to me for his money. He isn't a believer anymore and I will forget. So I just gave him a buck and we were both happy.

 

 

Oh my gosh!!! Stop it. Isn't he ADORABLE!!! I haven't had access to a lot of  the pictures from before but now I do. So if I do some flash backs that is why. He is maybe four here. He is beautiful to me.

I know deep in my heart that Cheese Balls aren't food.

Oh, but how I LOVE them They are so delicious even though I assume they are some how made of plastic.

Kassidy wrote today and she is doing BEAUTIFUL. WONDERFUL. CRAZY AWESOME. She was struggling but now she has been rejuvenated and is loving her companions. I am super excited because I sent her earrings of wiener dogs that are in a hot dog bun. I sent ones of her companion too. In return I get weird cheese ball pictures. :)

Kate has been BEGGING to get her ears pierced for years. Daddy finally said yes so we got to do it. Then she was so freaked out we finally had to force her so she would quit bugging me about it and wanting me to pinch her ear to show her how bad it was or wasn't going to hurt. Which doesn't work at all anyways.

She survived and is happy they are done.

Justine is happy to get to buy her little sister earrings!

So I get to have surgery again in a few weeks. It isn't an enormous deal and I am not worried about it. It is called a "scar revision" to touch up some of my scars from my skin removal surgery. I love my doctor and am glad he is so easy to work with and I trust him completely. Even if all my money probably did go to pay for his wife's GINORMOUS BEAUTIFUL TURQUOISE ring. I mean guys. I loved it but it was seriously as long as her whole finger. It was so cool. Did I ever tell you the bill from the hospital was 70,000? Yeah. Glad for our insurance.

Guess what this spells....eB oT edirB. Nothing that's what!!!!!

Kassidy's best little friend is getting married in August. So we are throwing her a bridal shower this week. I am actually excited about it! I have had to learn to relax, I use to get super stressed about these things and anyone coming to my house because I felt like I had to get spotless. But now I am more relaxed. Now I just have to control myself because I want to PINTEREST out EVERYTHING. I love the banner trend right now. I just made the cutest one. Too bad I glued all the words on backwards. Dang.

 

So the other night Justine was watching a home video from when she was about 18 months. She was so darn cute. Justine....who is pretty horrified but naughty behavior. Justine was shocked that she SHUSHED me as a toddler. I was singing on camera to her and she SHUSHED me. It was so funny that my mom and I were cracking up and singing more and she continued to shush me very seriously and would lean forward into the camera to do so. We loved it. And it was fun to see Justine so shocked that she would dare to shush her mom as such a little girl.

 

I keep having this problem with  my jaw. It is like lock jaw. Only it hasn't locked but it feels like it wants too. And if it does lock I will have a MASSIVE panic attack. It is like popping. I think I can't chew gum anymore. Just so you know.

 

Something isn't working quite right on my computer so I couldn't load all of my pictures but I wanted to show you Kate so super happy with the play mill cast. I love that they come out so we can meet them and get pictures. Seriously, the funnest thing ever.

These two are married in real life!

 

This cute girl and Justine went to high school together.

 

I am still working on my praying and eating goals. The praying in writing has been the best plan ever for me. You now what I find weird? It almost seems like it is wrong or not a real prayer. What the heck! No one ever made rules like that. And if they did they are nuts. And the lovely thing that therapy did for me...sort of...still working on it...there are no should. Kristopher taught me that to free me a bit from all the "rules" I had for myself. Rules that didn't even matter but that I had in my head they did. I can do whatever I want now. I get to decide. I love that.

Um.....have I said this yet before? "Is it time for school to start yet?"

Heya,

I am having trouble getting my pictures on my computer so dang.

My kids are still remembering and loving our little trip to St. George. I didn't finish blogging it and since a few years ago I lost pictures on my computer which makes me DEVESTATED to think about....I am still blogging about it so I have it somewhere.

These pictures I took in the complete dark. The flash lit them up. we are having a movie outside of my sister and brother in laws house. It was fun.

In the middle of the movie one of  my little kids needed me and so I quietly snuck in front of the screen where my kid was sitting but then I TRIPPED (because I do super clutzy things like that) and I completely BIFFED it in front of everyone. It scared my sister in law but I was totally fine. My kids of course are already busting up because they have seen me fall a million times and not get hurt. Although I chew them out every time they laugh. That is just SOOOO rude.

This is one of my very favorite things about life. I like that I just get to love people and I don't have to care if they deserve it or are worthy for it. Sometimes I get really excited to be a Social Worker.

 

I sort of feel like this is what I am doing right now. Losing my new therapist was kind of a blow. I am reevaluating things and reestablishing things and restrengthening things and I do feel like I have left bits of myself everywhere I go. I suppose we all do. I am waiting for it to be easier though and feel the sunlight.

'Cept I don't really like the sun anyway. So, whatever. It sounds good.

Have I ever mentioned that I am the shoe dying master at work? It is my favorite thing to do and I am good at it and they look awesome when I am done with it. Just sharing in case you need to know my special talents.

Yowza you guys. This is a lot. I think it is worth the time though.

You guys. My spell check doesn't work. And I get tired of editing. So there.

I'm learning something new. I have shared off and on about how I want a relationship with God and I don't know how you get one. 

There seems to be a lot of people who talk about having one but I actually haven't really believed it.

You might remember the time I made a "nest" in my closet and for three days I sat in there for a 1/2 hour and tried to commune with God...and I was bored out of my mind. I often times don't even pray (most often) because nothing ever happens, I can't stay focused and I figure "why bother, He knows everything anyway."

I have said for a long time that all the awesome things I have learned in therapy and the trials I went through etc. etc. will be for nothing if I haven't left it all with a relationship with God. But I don't know how. I literally don't know how. And I haven't tried because I haven't felt it.

You guys...my heart has been broken. Through no fault of my own, and beyond my new therapist, Joanna's control, she is no longer my new therapist. It was a shock and the news was delivered to me in a horrible way and I have spent more than a week now in a lot of pain and mourning over it. She was a perfect fit for me and we were making grand progress. You guys. You fall in love with your therapists. And I don't mean "In love marry me in love" I mean in love. And I loved her. And my heart has really, really been sad. Many moments in tears over it.

When I began to see Kristopher like three or more years ago...I wasn't even going for me. But it quickly became apparent that I actually was. And I needed him and the things he had to offer me in a bad way. And I didn't even know it. But I later knew that God had worked it all out for me and I knew the majority of time in  therapy that God was scattering bread crumbs for me, leading me on a little scavenger hunt to find the knowledge and lessons He wanted me to learn. It was a beautiful and painful time. Sometimes deep hurt can also be beautiful at the same time.

But guys...I changed. I am the first to admit that I changed. Therapy changed my brain. And it has been a painful transition because it was a lot of change. But I think it was good change. I got healthier.
But change still hurts. And change can also still be beautiful. It's a beautiful hurt. Change doesn't only affect you. It affects others as well. And I don't want to see other people hurt. Desperately I don't want to see other people hurt. But I can't help that I changed.

So, were the heck am I going with all of this?????

I have been learning things that are FOREIGN to me. I know there are people who are IN LOVE with God. I have read about people who are having a love affair with God. I have read about people who call Him their lover. In the Captivating book I told you about their was a whole chapter about being "romanced" by God. I was like... Holy creepy!!!! What is that all about! I decided I would just read the book but know that that chapter was quackery. But you guys. As I read it I realized it was truth. There are places in the Bible where it talks about this. So I let myself believe....maybe? Can that be me?

"Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart. God's version of flowers and chocolate and candle light dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling start, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens, and fierce devotion."

"This romancing is immensely personal. It will be as if it was scripted for your heart. He knows what takes your breath away, knows what makes your heart beat faster. We have missed many of his noted simply because we shut our hearts down in order to endure the pain of life. Now, in our healing journey as women, we must open our hearts again , and keep them open. Not foolishly, not to anyone and anything. But yes, we must choose to open our hearts again so that we might hear his whispers, receive his kisses."

"This is not to say that life is one big romantic moment with Jesus. I live a life much like yours- full of demands, pressures, and disappointments. Right now the laundry is going, all the dishes are dirty, there's no food for lunch, and the boys are bored with summer vacation. Like you, there are seasons in my life when Jesus seems very near and season where I can't seem to find him at all. Sometimes it feel like we're playing a game of hide-and-seek, but he's got all the best hiding places staked out. All relationships ebb and flow."

"The ebbing is to draw our heats out in deeper longing. In the times of emptiness, an open heart notices. What are you feeling? Like a lonely girl missing her daddy? Like a teenage young woman feeling completely invisible, unseen? often God allows these feelings to surface to help us go back to times when we have felt like this before. Notice also what you want to do-how you handle your heart. Are you shutting down in anger? Turning to food? To others?"

"What is crucial is that this time we handle our heats differently."

"We ask our Lover to come for us, and we keep our eyes and hearts open to his coming. We choose not to shut down, We let the tears come. We allow the ache to swell into a longing prayer for our God. And he comes, dear hearts. He does come. The times of intimacy- the flowing waters of love- those times then bring healing to places in out hearts that still need his touch."

"An intimate relationship with Jesus is not only for other women, for women who seem to have their acts together who appear godly and whose nails are nicely shaped. It is for each and every one of us. God want intimacy with you. In order to have it you, too, must offer it to him."

"The culture of women in the church today is crippled by some very pervasive likes. "To be spiritual is to be busy. To be spiritual is to be disciplined. To be spiritual is to be dutiful." No, to be spiritual is to be in a Romance with God. The desire to be romanced lies deep in the heart of every woman. It is for such that you were made. And you are romanced and ever will be."  Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

I have found a way to offer intimacy to God. Keep reading. 

When Joanna was no longer able to be my therapist...OH MY GOSH.... I need a name for Joanna and Kristopher. like Brand Pitt and Angelina are Brangelina. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck were Benifer?

Kristoanna!!!

So when Kristoanna left me..... (rationally neither of them left me but because of the vulnerability of therapy, I felt left. And once again I realized... I am going to the wrong sources for comfort and support. Those sources can be taken away from you in one little stupid sad heartbreaking afternoon.

I have to go to the real sources of comfort and support and......counsel. I have to go where it is everlasting.

Kristopher modeled to me a very healthy relationship. He taught me boundaries, showed me empathy, held me accountable and listened. He was loving and kind.

It gave me a model of what I think I can expect from God. So that was a bread crumb in my life to finding God.

Everything is ultimately leading me to God. I hope. I think. I have also learned something. I could have the most nurturing and loving parents....and I still would have unmet needs as an adult. I could have the most kind and nurturing husband and I still would have unmet needs. It is not about those people. We all have unmet needs because no one can give us all that we need. But maybe that is good. Because it leaves us searching for that and whom CAN fill those needs.

Some things I struggle with it... I don't want him to love all of you too. I want him all to myself. I feel less important if he loves everyone and not just me. Um...that might be a little mental. But it is true. Did you know I also hated all my friends seeing Kristopher? I hated sharing him and not just being the special one. I never wanted to see Joanna's other clients in the waiting room either. That is some serious unmet needs issues right there.

So today I was listening to one of my all time favorite songs and I thought.... Oh my gosh. This could be a song God is singing to me. If I am supposed to offer intimacy to him as well then I am going to think of Him in terms of this song.

Somewhere along this past three year journey, I began to feel hostile towards God without any just cause except that I was hurting and he was going to be blamed. And so was Kristoanna. They were all the bad guys because I was hurting. And I began to think harder thoughts. That doesn't really go very well, you guys.

A mentor of mine said that for a time she decided that she was going to believe that God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit were invested in her even if it was a complete fairy tale.  She said she was going to believe in that and act like it's true and do what they say. She believed in God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost as these magical fairy tail beings.

That softened my thoughts. I can do that. I can.

Wait...Is it okay to really think anything I want? Can I make up whatever I want? Isn't that just making up God?

When  this mentor shared her impressions of God to her, she always calls herself sweetheart or says things like good girl as if God is speaking that way to her.

Ummm. I don't know about you but God is definitely calling me sweetheart. And He is definitely calling me a good girl. And He is definitely calling me honey and love. If I can make up whatever I want (wait...is that faith and believing?) then I have a special affection for pet names and I am starving in the pet name department and I am GOING to be called sweetheart, dang it! 

Now...don't you people start calling me pet names. That would just be weird and too late. The rough men at my boot store call me pet names and I like it.

A person I know told me a  story about how her husband had prayed for her to figure this food thing out because he knew how badly she wanted it. I am choosing to believe that God is cheering for me. That he is hoping I'll get it because he knows how badly I want it. I hope he knows I am going to get it.  

So when I think things like God is feeling this towards me, it is a step to soften my heart so I'm not mad anymore. And it is a step that feels right. It doesn't really feel like I am making up God because it feels right. And this book Captivating talks all about how God is these things. These people have these real and loving relationships with God. They have love affairs with God. I want one!!!!!!

So back to the song.... Not all the versus.... but some of the versus just made me feel so good when I applied it to God.

You should listen to it. It's beautiful But maybe don't watch the video. The video doesn't work with my impressions of the song.

Lyrics... 

I promise that one day I'll be around
I'll keep you safe
I'll keep you sound

Right now it's pretty crazy

(I want Him to acknowledge that being losing two therapist is chaos for me.)

And I don't know how to stop
Or slow it down

Hey
I know there are some things we need to talk about

(there is a lot God and I need to talk about. It makes me happy that he cares and knows we need to talk )

And I can't stay

(I don't feel him often)

Just let me hold you for a little longer now











(I want to be held by God. Don't you?)
 

Take a piece of my heart
And make it all your own
So when we are apart
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

You'll never be alone
When you miss me close your eyes
I may be far but never gone

When you fall asleep tonight
Just remember that we lay under the same stars

(Like I don't kow if he really lays under stars...but if I was God I still would. And if we both are laying under the same stars we certainly aren't that far away from each other.)

And hey
I know there are some things we need to talk about
And I can't stay
Just let me hold you for a little longer now

And take a piece of my heart
And make it all your own
So when we are apart
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

And take a piece of my heart
And make it all your own
So when we are apart
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

 

And hugely important to me in regards to the problem of "I don't want to share God with everyone else because it makes me less special..." is the heart part.

If I took a piece of his heart and made it all my own and if he takes a peice of my heart and makes it all His own then I would be special to him. And if I was specifically special to Him and we had a piece of each others hearts that no one else has...then I wouldn't have to care if I shared Him with you.

Another book I am working on talks about the reason we have cravings in life is actually a good thing. It is so we will crave God. He wants us to crave him. The other interesting thing I read is that from this book called Women Food and God.

Like the Captivating book...there is so much truth in this book. I want to share so much...

So the deal is...why do I KEEP failing at my food issues? WHY WHY WHY. No. I mean WHYYYYYY??????

Somehow food and connection to God are related.

Women Food and God by Geneen Roth

"Even Robert Grady, who smelled like dirty socks, wouldn't pick me to dance with him at our sixth-grade party.

Enter food.

The sight of a Hostess Sno Ball turned the world into a riot of color. The fluffy, pristine mound of marshmallow sprinkled with coconut. The promise of the chocolate cake inside. And then, oh, then, the cloud of white icing. For the time it took to eat four to six Sno Balls, my hair was curly, my legs were as long as Madi Isaacs, and my parents gazed adoringly at each other during picnics at Lake George, where we ate egg salad sandwiches with the crusts cut off. I turned to food for the same reason people turned to God: it was my sigh of ecstasy, my transport to heaven, my concrete proof that relief from the pain of everyday life was possible.

Then it would be gone.

The cellophane packages would be empty, the bits of coconut stuck in my teeth, and I'd convinced myself that the reason I didn't have parents who held hands at parades was because I was fat. And so I started dieting that same year I started binging. Dieting gave me a purpose. Binging gave me relief from the relentless attempt to be someone else.

"For almost two decades, the suffering I felt about anything --my parents' marriage, my boyfriend Sheldon's death, my cubby moon face-- was expressed in my relationship with food. Overeating was my way to punish and shame myself; each time I gained weight, each time I failed at a diet, I proved to myself that my deepest fear was true: I was pathetic and doomed and I didn't deserve to live. I could have expressed this despair through drugs or shoplifting or alcohol, but I chose chocolate instead."

"Dieting was like praying. It was a plaintive cry to whoever was listening: I know I am fat, I now I am ugly. I know I am undisciplined, but see how hard I try. See how violently I restrict myself, deprive myself, punish myself. Surely there must be a reward for those who know how horrible they are."

"And precisely because dieting and binging were the main ways I was expressing my despair, the consequences of not dieting or binging were staggering. Making the decision to stop dieting was like committing heresy, like breaking a vow that was never supposed to be broken. It was like saying, "You were wrong, God. you were wrong, Mom. I am worth saving." And somehow, by deciding that I was no longer going to collude with the belief in my own degradation, something I never would have called up: the presence of loveliness, the awareness of kindness and the unmistakable knowledge that I belonged here.

I had no name for this kindness. I didn't believe in God or mystical experiences, but there was no denying that I was having the direct experience of a nameless something that was bigger than my mind, my childhood, my stories of what was wrong and right. The only way I can explain this even now is saying that my suffering reached a critical mass of desperation: either I was going to kill myself or a completely different way of living was going to be revealed. And while I realize that in many cases human suffering does not lead to revelation, in my case, for some reason, it did."

"After that initial opening, it took years of questioning my old beliefs, years of spiritual and scientific exploration to make my way to a broader understanding of the presence that most people call God, but it was the pain of my relationship with food that opened the door. "

"And because pairing food with God fizzles the mind- the two seem as unrelated as titanium computers and scarlet peonies-all that you believe about food and God can fall away. And in the space of knowing not knowing that remains, perhaps you will discover what I have experienced directly: that understanding the relationship with food is a direct path to coming home after a lifetime of being exiled. Perhaps that home is what God was always meant to be."

"From Courtney E. Martin in the Christian Scientist Monitor: "So many girls were raised entirely without organized religion, and the majority of the rest of us experienced 'spirituality' only in the form of mandatory holiday services with a big-haired grandmother.... Overlay our dearth of spiritual exploration without excess of training in ambition....raised largely with out a fundamental sense of divinity. In fact, our worth in the world has always been tied to our looks...not the amazing miracle of mere existence.""

"Women turn to food when they are not hungry because they are hungry for something they can't name: a connection to what is beyond the concerns of daily life. Something deathless, something sacred. But replacing the hunger for divine connection with Double Stuf Oreos is like giving a glass of sand to a person dying of thirst. It creates more thirst, more panic. Combine the utter inefficiency of dieting with the lack of spiritual  awareness and we have generations of mad, ravenous, self loathing women. We have become so obsessed with getting rid of our obsessions, with riding on top of our suffering and ignoring its inherent message, that we lose pieces of ourselves waiting to be found beneath it."

You know the time I didn't fail at my food stuff? I had Kristopher. I saw him each week and he was gentle and kind and filled me up with attachment and connection and goodness and love. And any of you who think this intimacy is about being in love with my therapist should be done with reading my blog. Because it is not those things. It was about sharing connection with another human being. It was about teaching me the safety that is to be found in connection that I can use as a model to trust God. And I  don't know why it came in the experience of some random therapist, some random therapist that my oldest daughter refused to see after session two. But you know what? I do know why it came from him. Because for some reason, that was God's plan for me. When I was full of connection and safety...food didn't call my name anymore. I didn't need it. Some say it was because I was addicted to therapy. But I don't know if I believe that. I believe connection felt so so dang good. And I didn't want it to go away. Kristopher and Joanna believe he was a template to teach my what I could find in God.

So I have been going to the food addiction recovery program.

"We invite you with all our empathy and love to join us in a glorious life of freedom and safety, encircled in the arms of Jesus Christ, our redeemer. We know by our won experience that you can break free from the chains of addiction. No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father. If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep into your heart. These principle can help you come unto Christ and allow Him to change you. As you apply these principles, you will draw on the power of the Atonement and the Lord will free you from bondage."

 It is based off the same steps as Alcohol Anonymous. 

When you first see Kristopher he has you write. No matter what. And you all know I love the outlet of writing.

It has been suggested to me that I write to God. I tried it once before and I really liked it. So I have been doing it. Every day for a week. And my heart is softening. And I am not mad at him anymore. And I don't feel so alone. And when the Kristoannas left me this week I wanted to yell at them...

"OH YEAH!!!!!! Well, you can go straight to hell. I don't freaking need you guys anymore anyway! I have GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And trust me. That was a shift in thought for me. Because I have relied on Kristoanna for years when I should have been relying on God. And this is no new news to me. you guy might think I don't see these things but of course I do. But this is my journey, my peeps. And I now it is going slowly like this for a reason. I know God isn't just saying "DUH GIRL! Get it together!" I am convinced the timing is the way it is for a reason.

WHY did I spend hours writing this post? My biggest regret I didn't teach my kids... was how to really find God. But how do I do that when I don't know myself? I want them to know how to do it. I am hoping I can and show them through the process I am beginning. It is the greatest gift I can give them.

So this morning I committed to God that I would write in prayer every day for a year. (Writing in prayer makes me happy because I don't get all ADHDeee and can stay focused.)

In all honesty, I haven't even been praying very much. just a casual thought to God here and there. Mostly asking for help when I was in deep need. Or being mad at him because things hurt a lot.

I really feel like this can be a major turning point for me. I really have desire. I have absolute panic when I think this could all be fake and not true and another thing I am just coming up with. But Father has been leaving me breadcrumbs all over the place recently that is showing me there is indeed a relationship that can exist with God that is more personal then anything I dreamed of. The breadcrumbs are showing me that it is associated with food. The bread crumbs are showing me that my good eating, bad eating, day in and day out and day in and day is NOT about food and it is wearing me down and it is hurting me. But the thought of "Let go and let God" is terrifying me. If I let go of trying to fix my food problem I am terrified akin to running through those horrifying haunted houses that scare me so bad I could literally pee my pants or throw up or stroke out. That is how scared I am to "Let Go and let God" on my food issues. And That is how scared I am to "Let go and let God" in regards to no therapists to love and support me. Only along with running around terrified peeing in a haunted house, I am also pooping as I am on top of the scariest highest Ferris wheel ever known to mankind. That is how scare I am to "let go and let God" in regards to my recent losses of therapists.  And along with pooping on Ferris Wheels and peeing and stroking out in haunted houses I am also wandering around alone with hitchhikers jumping off trains in the dark while having massive panic attacks and seizures and  fighting cougars who are the meanest predator on earth. OH!!!! And did you guys see the hippo coming for the boat of FB? He was under the water FOREVER coming for the boat and then he just plunged up! That was so scary. That is how scared I am to "Let go and let God". But "Let go and let therapists" isn't the slogan for a reason.  baha

From Captivating, "We grow in this as we practice. We practice the presence of God."

I am learning to believe this. We practice the presence of God. And that is what I am going to start doing. I have made a commitment to God. I am going to pray in writing for  a full year. I am going to see where it takes me.

That's all guys. I think. Phew.

 

It was super hard. Super super hard. Okay, it had times when it was super easy too. IDK.

hiya.

I was a vegan. Last week. For about five days. I have heard that if you eat that way with also not eating sugar salt and oil you lose cravings. So I did that. For about five days.

It was super super hard.

So now I am not a vegan anymore.

I have been desperately trying to figure out what I have to do to control my love of all things... wanting to eat too much. I am back to counting calories. It worked before and I don't know how else to be abstienent for now.

I have been going to a little food addiction group. And I have been reading three books (of course at once!) about food and loving to eat it and I have googled some stuff and many many many of the information I am reading talks about God. And food and God. And what you are trying to get from food you get from God instead. Oh, there is too much to say about it and I can't explain it good right now.

But I am working on stuff.

 

So I was at work the other day, the week I was a vegan, and my boss ordered pizza for us. But I couldn't eat it because it had salt and oil, etc.

 

My boss was SO DANG kind. He paid for me to go get a salad from the place next door. Isn't that the nicest show of support? SO KIND!

 

But today when I went into work and told him I wasn't a vegan anymore the boys busted a gut laughing.

 

You know what though???? I am not quitting!!!! There has to be a lot said for that right?

I've been a bit MIA. I have been working on some other things and haven't kept up with the blogging.

My friend and I took our families to West Yellowstone to my favorite place on earth....the Play Mill. I wasn't going to bring Kate and Bo but I am so glad I did. They were pretty well behaved and they adored the play. When I get the pictures I talk more about that.

But firstly...

I REALLY want to be a hat girl. I keep buying hats and then never wearing them in the real world.

 

That's it. Can't wait for the kids to go back to school. THEY ARE SOOOOOO BORED.

Cabella or Scheels? Yawn. Been there done that.

On the way down for our trip I decided to stop at Scheels so the little kids could ride the Ferris wheel. last year Corey and I went to both of them at different points. I think I like Cabellas better becasue they have fudge. And I like Scheels becasue of the photo ops but they were broken. And I like the Ferris wheel except I am pretty scared of heights and the LINE TAKES FOREVER!!! So I am pretty well happy if I never go to either of those two boring places again. 

Sorry. it is what it is. 

At least there was one cool new photo op of big foot. All my pictures loaded misshapen. 

We had Kate stand just perfect so the coyote was getting Kate. 

That's all. 

Our trip home was sooooo long becasue we had to stop here!!!!

So remember how I use to tell you guys that one of the first things Kristopher ever taught me was nobody else can "make" you feel a certain way. It took me months for me to quit saying that someone else "made" me feel a certain way. Months. Months. Kristopher would call me on it EVERY time. 

When I finally understood why he was drilling it into my head I was very thankful he didn't let it go. It is really about...not allowing someone else to have power over your feelings. It's pretty cool actually. It's about being empowered and being in control of your own feelings. Not allowing someone else to determine how you feel even if you are in yucky situations (Mans Search for Meaning). 

So you can imagine my surprise when my second therapist disagreed with my first therapist! I almost fell out of my seat. She was talking along when she suddenly said sarcastically "I know no one can make you fell blah blah blah...." she said blah blah blah. I just sat there. Confused. 

She then said that she has debated this topic with psychologists before. Her belief is that someone can "make" you feel a certain way initially. But then it is up to you to change, redirect, let go of, analyze those feelings and do what you will with them The choice is then yours. 

I can see her point. I even wonder if she might be right because it does seem as if someone can make you feel something because it often happens so fast that you don't have time to automatically not feel feelings. But then after you take a breath and use your skills you can take back your control and decide how you want to feel. 

I think this might be helpful to explain to Justine who get sososososososoosos ANNOYED with me because I am always telling her "No one can make you feel a certain way!" She argues and doesn't believe me. So maybe she will accept Joanna's idea better.

My SIL told me about a cool place to stop off at on our way home from our trip. An aquarium! I love aquariums! I instatnly dismissed the idea when I realized it ould cost an extra $100.000 for all of us. But the idea nagged at me and since we rarely go to Utah I decided that we were going. 

I think I liked it more than the kids! I totally loved it to death. It was so FUN! I realy enjoyed the trip becasue my little got along the whole time practically. My big kids rarely fight. They rarely bicker. It is so lovely. My little kids....I almost die becasue they fight none stop and it makes my brain short curcut and I almost stroke out. Honest. Serious.

There were lizards....which are my favirot animals....

Birds...(Cousin Justin is quite entertaining...)

One of my favirotist little pictures. Kate just loves life and is so very interested in EVERYTHING there is to see and be a part of. And she loves animals. 

Bo, so cute. Presenting....this enormous snake!

It's hard to tell but this is a BIG tarantula. 

Cousins are the best.

Bo ADORES Nathan. I have to stay on top of Nathan a little to remember to be very sweet with him so as to not hurt his little feelings. 

This worker was super cute with the little kids, Bo was discusing his finger nail getting ripped off and his tactic to tell people about the shark biting it off. 

Okay, can we discuss one of the trajedies in the world?

OTTERS. 

They are the cutest animals alive and yet...they are always sleeping!!! Boo. 

At this exhibit you could poke your head up into the exhibit and watch the otters.....sleep.

I love all the big boys shoved in the little box trying to see the otters...

Cute Justine lifting Bo up so he can see...

Smooshin' a penny

So Bo stood and stared at this fish for a long long time. It is supposed to come up for air every twenty minutes. We didn't out wait him though. He won. Bo really wanted to stay and see it but it is hard with six kids who all want to see different things...

I think Bo is just such a cute and sweet litttle guy. His mind is just a workin' and sometimes he is very very quiet. He's thinking. Deep thoughts. hahahaha

Jelly fish are just the weirdest things ever.... Do they have a heart? Are they an animal?

So. I have been reading the Jack Canfield Book FOREVER now. (I get bored and change books a lot) I have like five I am almost done with) It said to make a list of 100 "bucket list" type ideas. So I did it. Big things, little things.... One of them was to go to an aquarium and stand under sharks....

Well it just so happens that this aquarium had sharks and a tunnel to stand under! It was quite spectacular. although I really was thinking in my mind it would be like great white sharks...but I guess they must not have those? That was dumb of me to think that?

So while it was on my list of things to do, Justine literally started feeling symptoms of being ill as we talked about it in the car. She is terrified of sharks and water. It cracks me up and she is so cute about it but she really gets true anxiety over it and she makes me laugh. She'll turn white and shiver and get all concerned. 

SO, I was VERY PROUD that she walked through the tunnel. Which almost made her dizzy and throw up. But she walked through it. A brisk walk albeit.  

And then she stood at this end and wouldn't come in again.

Other things in the tunnel...

So this sea turtle was AWESOME, and he has an interesting story!

He was hit by a boat they think. And he got a bubble under his shell. It is called bubble butt. So he couldn't sink to the bottom of the ocean. He could only float. So he had to go live at the aquarium where they added weights to his shell so that he could sink and stay alive!

And a few months before this happened he was bit by a shark!!!!!

While under the shark tunnel I tried to get some selfies with the sharks behind me.

Ummmm....it's impossible. 

Another exciting thing was a touch pond. The kids got to touch sting rays, star fish, and little spiky things that I can't remember the names of. Of course Kate especially liked this and even got her hair wet at times bending so far over into the water...

Bo is always a lot more cautious around animals then Kate. He didn't care to touch them very much. :)

So there was also this fun "bridge". It was pretty high actually! It was great fun. 

I as actually a little freaked out. I am pretty scared of heights! As soon as the two little stinkers behind me caught wind of it they began to wiggle and shake the whole thing as I was going across. And they weren't even my kids!

Kate makes it!

Justin RAN through it...

Nathan makes it!

Bo and I making it....

Justine going for it!

Rhett and Kate making it!!!!

Bo took this picture of me!

The Penguins so much fun! This little penguin had a baby!!!!! It was a huge deal! The other laid two eggs but they can only raise one when they are new mom's so the other one was being cared for 24-7 by workers. It was very exciting because you could sometimes see the baby peak out from the parent penguin. At one point it lifted up its bummy and squirted pee everywhere. That was an exciting moment, trust me. 

The kids watching the penguins from the bleachers.

Always exciting to watch the penny swirl down the funnel

And you can't convince me that this ins't the cutest little fish ever!

And inside the jaws of.... I didn't read it. I actually don't even know. Look at that face!

Checking out the gift store stuff!