Yowza you guys. This is a lot. I think it is worth the time though.

You guys. My spell check doesn't work. And I get tired of editing. So there.

I'm learning something new. I have shared off and on about how I want a relationship with God and I don't know how you get one. 

There seems to be a lot of people who talk about having one but I actually haven't really believed it.

You might remember the time I made a "nest" in my closet and for three days I sat in there for a 1/2 hour and tried to commune with God...and I was bored out of my mind. I often times don't even pray (most often) because nothing ever happens, I can't stay focused and I figure "why bother, He knows everything anyway."

I have said for a long time that all the awesome things I have learned in therapy and the trials I went through etc. etc. will be for nothing if I haven't left it all with a relationship with God. But I don't know how. I literally don't know how. And I haven't tried because I haven't felt it.

You guys...my heart has been broken. Through no fault of my own, and beyond my new therapist, Joanna's control, she is no longer my new therapist. It was a shock and the news was delivered to me in a horrible way and I have spent more than a week now in a lot of pain and mourning over it. She was a perfect fit for me and we were making grand progress. You guys. You fall in love with your therapists. And I don't mean "In love marry me in love" I mean in love. And I loved her. And my heart has really, really been sad. Many moments in tears over it.

When I began to see Kristopher like three or more years ago...I wasn't even going for me. But it quickly became apparent that I actually was. And I needed him and the things he had to offer me in a bad way. And I didn't even know it. But I later knew that God had worked it all out for me and I knew the majority of time in  therapy that God was scattering bread crumbs for me, leading me on a little scavenger hunt to find the knowledge and lessons He wanted me to learn. It was a beautiful and painful time. Sometimes deep hurt can also be beautiful at the same time.

But guys...I changed. I am the first to admit that I changed. Therapy changed my brain. And it has been a painful transition because it was a lot of change. But I think it was good change. I got healthier.
But change still hurts. And change can also still be beautiful. It's a beautiful hurt. Change doesn't only affect you. It affects others as well. And I don't want to see other people hurt. Desperately I don't want to see other people hurt. But I can't help that I changed.

So, were the heck am I going with all of this?????

I have been learning things that are FOREIGN to me. I know there are people who are IN LOVE with God. I have read about people who are having a love affair with God. I have read about people who call Him their lover. In the Captivating book I told you about their was a whole chapter about being "romanced" by God. I was like... Holy creepy!!!! What is that all about! I decided I would just read the book but know that that chapter was quackery. But you guys. As I read it I realized it was truth. There are places in the Bible where it talks about this. So I let myself believe....maybe? Can that be me?

"Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart. God's version of flowers and chocolate and candle light dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling start, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens, and fierce devotion."

"This romancing is immensely personal. It will be as if it was scripted for your heart. He knows what takes your breath away, knows what makes your heart beat faster. We have missed many of his noted simply because we shut our hearts down in order to endure the pain of life. Now, in our healing journey as women, we must open our hearts again , and keep them open. Not foolishly, not to anyone and anything. But yes, we must choose to open our hearts again so that we might hear his whispers, receive his kisses."

"This is not to say that life is one big romantic moment with Jesus. I live a life much like yours- full of demands, pressures, and disappointments. Right now the laundry is going, all the dishes are dirty, there's no food for lunch, and the boys are bored with summer vacation. Like you, there are seasons in my life when Jesus seems very near and season where I can't seem to find him at all. Sometimes it feel like we're playing a game of hide-and-seek, but he's got all the best hiding places staked out. All relationships ebb and flow."

"The ebbing is to draw our heats out in deeper longing. In the times of emptiness, an open heart notices. What are you feeling? Like a lonely girl missing her daddy? Like a teenage young woman feeling completely invisible, unseen? often God allows these feelings to surface to help us go back to times when we have felt like this before. Notice also what you want to do-how you handle your heart. Are you shutting down in anger? Turning to food? To others?"

"What is crucial is that this time we handle our heats differently."

"We ask our Lover to come for us, and we keep our eyes and hearts open to his coming. We choose not to shut down, We let the tears come. We allow the ache to swell into a longing prayer for our God. And he comes, dear hearts. He does come. The times of intimacy- the flowing waters of love- those times then bring healing to places in out hearts that still need his touch."

"An intimate relationship with Jesus is not only for other women, for women who seem to have their acts together who appear godly and whose nails are nicely shaped. It is for each and every one of us. God want intimacy with you. In order to have it you, too, must offer it to him."

"The culture of women in the church today is crippled by some very pervasive likes. "To be spiritual is to be busy. To be spiritual is to be disciplined. To be spiritual is to be dutiful." No, to be spiritual is to be in a Romance with God. The desire to be romanced lies deep in the heart of every woman. It is for such that you were made. And you are romanced and ever will be."  Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

I have found a way to offer intimacy to God. Keep reading. 

When Joanna was no longer able to be my therapist...OH MY GOSH.... I need a name for Joanna and Kristopher. like Brand Pitt and Angelina are Brangelina. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck were Benifer?

Kristoanna!!!

So when Kristoanna left me..... (rationally neither of them left me but because of the vulnerability of therapy, I felt left. And once again I realized... I am going to the wrong sources for comfort and support. Those sources can be taken away from you in one little stupid sad heartbreaking afternoon.

I have to go to the real sources of comfort and support and......counsel. I have to go where it is everlasting.

Kristopher modeled to me a very healthy relationship. He taught me boundaries, showed me empathy, held me accountable and listened. He was loving and kind.

It gave me a model of what I think I can expect from God. So that was a bread crumb in my life to finding God.

Everything is ultimately leading me to God. I hope. I think. I have also learned something. I could have the most nurturing and loving parents....and I still would have unmet needs as an adult. I could have the most kind and nurturing husband and I still would have unmet needs. It is not about those people. We all have unmet needs because no one can give us all that we need. But maybe that is good. Because it leaves us searching for that and whom CAN fill those needs.

Some things I struggle with it... I don't want him to love all of you too. I want him all to myself. I feel less important if he loves everyone and not just me. Um...that might be a little mental. But it is true. Did you know I also hated all my friends seeing Kristopher? I hated sharing him and not just being the special one. I never wanted to see Joanna's other clients in the waiting room either. That is some serious unmet needs issues right there.

So today I was listening to one of my all time favorite songs and I thought.... Oh my gosh. This could be a song God is singing to me. If I am supposed to offer intimacy to him as well then I am going to think of Him in terms of this song.

Somewhere along this past three year journey, I began to feel hostile towards God without any just cause except that I was hurting and he was going to be blamed. And so was Kristoanna. They were all the bad guys because I was hurting. And I began to think harder thoughts. That doesn't really go very well, you guys.

A mentor of mine said that for a time she decided that she was going to believe that God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit were invested in her even if it was a complete fairy tale.  She said she was going to believe in that and act like it's true and do what they say. She believed in God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost as these magical fairy tail beings.

That softened my thoughts. I can do that. I can.

Wait...Is it okay to really think anything I want? Can I make up whatever I want? Isn't that just making up God?

When  this mentor shared her impressions of God to her, she always calls herself sweetheart or says things like good girl as if God is speaking that way to her.

Ummm. I don't know about you but God is definitely calling me sweetheart. And He is definitely calling me a good girl. And He is definitely calling me honey and love. If I can make up whatever I want (wait...is that faith and believing?) then I have a special affection for pet names and I am starving in the pet name department and I am GOING to be called sweetheart, dang it! 

Now...don't you people start calling me pet names. That would just be weird and too late. The rough men at my boot store call me pet names and I like it.

A person I know told me a  story about how her husband had prayed for her to figure this food thing out because he knew how badly she wanted it. I am choosing to believe that God is cheering for me. That he is hoping I'll get it because he knows how badly I want it. I hope he knows I am going to get it.  

So when I think things like God is feeling this towards me, it is a step to soften my heart so I'm not mad anymore. And it is a step that feels right. It doesn't really feel like I am making up God because it feels right. And this book Captivating talks all about how God is these things. These people have these real and loving relationships with God. They have love affairs with God. I want one!!!!!!

So back to the song.... Not all the versus.... but some of the versus just made me feel so good when I applied it to God.

You should listen to it. It's beautiful But maybe don't watch the video. The video doesn't work with my impressions of the song.

Lyrics... 

I promise that one day I'll be around
I'll keep you safe
I'll keep you sound

Right now it's pretty crazy

(I want Him to acknowledge that being losing two therapist is chaos for me.)

And I don't know how to stop
Or slow it down

Hey
I know there are some things we need to talk about

(there is a lot God and I need to talk about. It makes me happy that he cares and knows we need to talk )

And I can't stay

(I don't feel him often)

Just let me hold you for a little longer now











(I want to be held by God. Don't you?)
 

Take a piece of my heart
And make it all your own
So when we are apart
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

You'll never be alone
When you miss me close your eyes
I may be far but never gone

When you fall asleep tonight
Just remember that we lay under the same stars

(Like I don't kow if he really lays under stars...but if I was God I still would. And if we both are laying under the same stars we certainly aren't that far away from each other.)

And hey
I know there are some things we need to talk about
And I can't stay
Just let me hold you for a little longer now

And take a piece of my heart
And make it all your own
So when we are apart
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

And take a piece of my heart
And make it all your own
So when we are apart
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

 

And hugely important to me in regards to the problem of "I don't want to share God with everyone else because it makes me less special..." is the heart part.

If I took a piece of his heart and made it all my own and if he takes a peice of my heart and makes it all His own then I would be special to him. And if I was specifically special to Him and we had a piece of each others hearts that no one else has...then I wouldn't have to care if I shared Him with you.

Another book I am working on talks about the reason we have cravings in life is actually a good thing. It is so we will crave God. He wants us to crave him. The other interesting thing I read is that from this book called Women Food and God.

Like the Captivating book...there is so much truth in this book. I want to share so much...

So the deal is...why do I KEEP failing at my food issues? WHY WHY WHY. No. I mean WHYYYYYY??????

Somehow food and connection to God are related.

Women Food and God by Geneen Roth

"Even Robert Grady, who smelled like dirty socks, wouldn't pick me to dance with him at our sixth-grade party.

Enter food.

The sight of a Hostess Sno Ball turned the world into a riot of color. The fluffy, pristine mound of marshmallow sprinkled with coconut. The promise of the chocolate cake inside. And then, oh, then, the cloud of white icing. For the time it took to eat four to six Sno Balls, my hair was curly, my legs were as long as Madi Isaacs, and my parents gazed adoringly at each other during picnics at Lake George, where we ate egg salad sandwiches with the crusts cut off. I turned to food for the same reason people turned to God: it was my sigh of ecstasy, my transport to heaven, my concrete proof that relief from the pain of everyday life was possible.

Then it would be gone.

The cellophane packages would be empty, the bits of coconut stuck in my teeth, and I'd convinced myself that the reason I didn't have parents who held hands at parades was because I was fat. And so I started dieting that same year I started binging. Dieting gave me a purpose. Binging gave me relief from the relentless attempt to be someone else.

"For almost two decades, the suffering I felt about anything --my parents' marriage, my boyfriend Sheldon's death, my cubby moon face-- was expressed in my relationship with food. Overeating was my way to punish and shame myself; each time I gained weight, each time I failed at a diet, I proved to myself that my deepest fear was true: I was pathetic and doomed and I didn't deserve to live. I could have expressed this despair through drugs or shoplifting or alcohol, but I chose chocolate instead."

"Dieting was like praying. It was a plaintive cry to whoever was listening: I know I am fat, I now I am ugly. I know I am undisciplined, but see how hard I try. See how violently I restrict myself, deprive myself, punish myself. Surely there must be a reward for those who know how horrible they are."

"And precisely because dieting and binging were the main ways I was expressing my despair, the consequences of not dieting or binging were staggering. Making the decision to stop dieting was like committing heresy, like breaking a vow that was never supposed to be broken. It was like saying, "You were wrong, God. you were wrong, Mom. I am worth saving." And somehow, by deciding that I was no longer going to collude with the belief in my own degradation, something I never would have called up: the presence of loveliness, the awareness of kindness and the unmistakable knowledge that I belonged here.

I had no name for this kindness. I didn't believe in God or mystical experiences, but there was no denying that I was having the direct experience of a nameless something that was bigger than my mind, my childhood, my stories of what was wrong and right. The only way I can explain this even now is saying that my suffering reached a critical mass of desperation: either I was going to kill myself or a completely different way of living was going to be revealed. And while I realize that in many cases human suffering does not lead to revelation, in my case, for some reason, it did."

"After that initial opening, it took years of questioning my old beliefs, years of spiritual and scientific exploration to make my way to a broader understanding of the presence that most people call God, but it was the pain of my relationship with food that opened the door. "

"And because pairing food with God fizzles the mind- the two seem as unrelated as titanium computers and scarlet peonies-all that you believe about food and God can fall away. And in the space of knowing not knowing that remains, perhaps you will discover what I have experienced directly: that understanding the relationship with food is a direct path to coming home after a lifetime of being exiled. Perhaps that home is what God was always meant to be."

"From Courtney E. Martin in the Christian Scientist Monitor: "So many girls were raised entirely without organized religion, and the majority of the rest of us experienced 'spirituality' only in the form of mandatory holiday services with a big-haired grandmother.... Overlay our dearth of spiritual exploration without excess of training in ambition....raised largely with out a fundamental sense of divinity. In fact, our worth in the world has always been tied to our looks...not the amazing miracle of mere existence.""

"Women turn to food when they are not hungry because they are hungry for something they can't name: a connection to what is beyond the concerns of daily life. Something deathless, something sacred. But replacing the hunger for divine connection with Double Stuf Oreos is like giving a glass of sand to a person dying of thirst. It creates more thirst, more panic. Combine the utter inefficiency of dieting with the lack of spiritual  awareness and we have generations of mad, ravenous, self loathing women. We have become so obsessed with getting rid of our obsessions, with riding on top of our suffering and ignoring its inherent message, that we lose pieces of ourselves waiting to be found beneath it."

You know the time I didn't fail at my food stuff? I had Kristopher. I saw him each week and he was gentle and kind and filled me up with attachment and connection and goodness and love. And any of you who think this intimacy is about being in love with my therapist should be done with reading my blog. Because it is not those things. It was about sharing connection with another human being. It was about teaching me the safety that is to be found in connection that I can use as a model to trust God. And I  don't know why it came in the experience of some random therapist, some random therapist that my oldest daughter refused to see after session two. But you know what? I do know why it came from him. Because for some reason, that was God's plan for me. When I was full of connection and safety...food didn't call my name anymore. I didn't need it. Some say it was because I was addicted to therapy. But I don't know if I believe that. I believe connection felt so so dang good. And I didn't want it to go away. Kristopher and Joanna believe he was a template to teach my what I could find in God.

So I have been going to the food addiction recovery program.

"We invite you with all our empathy and love to join us in a glorious life of freedom and safety, encircled in the arms of Jesus Christ, our redeemer. We know by our won experience that you can break free from the chains of addiction. No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father. If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep into your heart. These principle can help you come unto Christ and allow Him to change you. As you apply these principles, you will draw on the power of the Atonement and the Lord will free you from bondage."

 It is based off the same steps as Alcohol Anonymous. 

When you first see Kristopher he has you write. No matter what. And you all know I love the outlet of writing.

It has been suggested to me that I write to God. I tried it once before and I really liked it. So I have been doing it. Every day for a week. And my heart is softening. And I am not mad at him anymore. And I don't feel so alone. And when the Kristoannas left me this week I wanted to yell at them...

"OH YEAH!!!!!! Well, you can go straight to hell. I don't freaking need you guys anymore anyway! I have GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And trust me. That was a shift in thought for me. Because I have relied on Kristoanna for years when I should have been relying on God. And this is no new news to me. you guy might think I don't see these things but of course I do. But this is my journey, my peeps. And I now it is going slowly like this for a reason. I know God isn't just saying "DUH GIRL! Get it together!" I am convinced the timing is the way it is for a reason.

WHY did I spend hours writing this post? My biggest regret I didn't teach my kids... was how to really find God. But how do I do that when I don't know myself? I want them to know how to do it. I am hoping I can and show them through the process I am beginning. It is the greatest gift I can give them.

So this morning I committed to God that I would write in prayer every day for a year. (Writing in prayer makes me happy because I don't get all ADHDeee and can stay focused.)

In all honesty, I haven't even been praying very much. just a casual thought to God here and there. Mostly asking for help when I was in deep need. Or being mad at him because things hurt a lot.

I really feel like this can be a major turning point for me. I really have desire. I have absolute panic when I think this could all be fake and not true and another thing I am just coming up with. But Father has been leaving me breadcrumbs all over the place recently that is showing me there is indeed a relationship that can exist with God that is more personal then anything I dreamed of. The breadcrumbs are showing me that it is associated with food. The bread crumbs are showing me that my good eating, bad eating, day in and day out and day in and day is NOT about food and it is wearing me down and it is hurting me. But the thought of "Let go and let God" is terrifying me. If I let go of trying to fix my food problem I am terrified akin to running through those horrifying haunted houses that scare me so bad I could literally pee my pants or throw up or stroke out. That is how scared I am to "Let Go and let God" on my food issues. And That is how scared I am to "Let go and let God" in regards to no therapists to love and support me. Only along with running around terrified peeing in a haunted house, I am also pooping as I am on top of the scariest highest Ferris wheel ever known to mankind. That is how scare I am to "let go and let God" in regards to my recent losses of therapists.  And along with pooping on Ferris Wheels and peeing and stroking out in haunted houses I am also wandering around alone with hitchhikers jumping off trains in the dark while having massive panic attacks and seizures and  fighting cougars who are the meanest predator on earth. OH!!!! And did you guys see the hippo coming for the boat of FB? He was under the water FOREVER coming for the boat and then he just plunged up! That was so scary. That is how scared I am to "Let go and let God". But "Let go and let therapists" isn't the slogan for a reason.  baha

From Captivating, "We grow in this as we practice. We practice the presence of God."

I am learning to believe this. We practice the presence of God. And that is what I am going to start doing. I have made a commitment to God. I am going to pray in writing for  a full year. I am going to see where it takes me.

That's all guys. I think. Phew.