Dear Corey,

I ate all the DOTS too.

DOTS are the only candy I even like. Why would one buy Junior mints and DOTS, my two favorite treats for Halloween. I can't stand it.

Okay. So for reals. I keep trying plan after plan after plan to figure out why I can't get my weight under control again. It is super painful and hard for me to fail at this. I have been trying and trying. I have tried to only eat super clean foods, no meat, only natural stuff, no sugar, I have tried to be "good" five days a week and have 2 day off. I have tried to look at it as an addiction (which I believe it is). I have tried all these different methods. I have tried to be extreme and I have tried to be not extreme. I have given up pop and then not given up pop. I can't seem to get my act together. I have read and googled and listened to what other people do.

And so. I finally decided to go back to the time when I was losing weight. And when I was successful. It was when I counted calories. I gave up nothing. I just counted my calories. (Just for the record, I do believe that eating super clean, veganish, will keep disease and addiction away. But I am not successful at it right now. I mentally just can't do it right now.)

So when I was losing weight I didn't do this "I quit sugar". What I am learning is...when I have a slip it leads to massive binging. MASSIVE. When I was losing weight I didn't binge. I just said...I can have a treat later that night so I don't need to have this pumpkin cake right now that I don't even like. It's not the last treat in the world I am going to ever have. So I am trying to just go back to that. I am trying to not lose all my weight gain in one month like I have been trying to do. I am just going to eat less calories then is in my "allotment" every day and cheer for myself (like my friend taught me way back when I began). So that is my new game plan. Stick with the old game plan. My new game plan is to stick with my old game plan. I had a pretty decent heartbreak happen a few months ago and it literally just threw me so far off kilter, mentally, that I am just going to hang in here the best I can. So for now I really just have to go back to what I know. And I know how to count my calories.

School, you guys. This semester is the most fabulously fun semester on planet earth. I really think I am headed in the right direction here with what I want to be when I grow up. I am loving so much what I am learning that I can't help but believe I am. It is sort of like a lot of emotional stuff though. I have two classes back to back that really brings up your own crap. I mostly have all of mine brought up because I have done so much therapy but sometimes there are triggers that still make it emotional.

I am very thankful for all of the things I was taught by my first therapist. He believed in facing your fears. I learned the greatness and power in doing that. I have really worked on doing that. And Kassidy made reference to it one day. That she was trying to face her fears because she knew I was facing mine and that made me very happy.

So in this class that I take it is so terrifying. The teacher makes you interview people as a social worker. There doesn't seem to be anyway to prepare because the questions you need to ask change depending on the questions that were asked previously. Visualize speed dating. We are all interviewing the same person. So it is just like you basically have to wing it. It is scarier then I am making it sound. It is a teensy bit terrifying! AND the whole class can listen because we are all in one big circle with the interviewee in the middle.

AND

the teacher video tapes it so he can tear you apart the next day critique how you did and give you learning tips, etc. He comments on facial expressions, brow furrows, if you even fidget. the. slightest. bit, shallow breathing..... everything. Watching someone shallow breath on slo mo is a thing. And you can see it and it demonstrates you being nervous.

And as the teacher is showing the video in slow mo and critiquing you in front of the whole class you die. So that is my fear. I AM TERRIFIED TO SEE MY SELF ON VIDEO. TERRIFIED. I hate it desperately. It literally injures my self esteem. I just hate it so so so so much. So today I had my turn to interview and Friday I will watch myself in front of the whole class and he will tear me apart critique me. You guys. I don't want to see my weight gain. I don't want to see my crooked smile from when I had bells Palsy, I don't want to hear my voice. I am so grossed out and scared by this whole thing. I told myself I was just going to look down and not wathc the video. I would still listen to his tearing apart critiques but I just wouldn't watch.

And then I thought...."Dad Burnett! I am going to kick that stupid fear in the face and I am going to own myself on that video, the goods and the bads.

And my weak feelings turned into powerful feelings.

I'll let you know how it goes.