I panic occasionally

I FEEL PANIC!

PANIC.

I decided to blog for a minute and maybe I'll feel better.

I have two major things left for school and quite a bunch of math trying to squeak out a B-. I feel anxiety because I want a B but not sure it's going to happen and I am so close and it makes my chest feel like bursting. 

My other two assignments I just don't have the time to commit that I want to. I try not to do homework on Sunday because I feel like I will be cursed if I do. Isn't that wrong of me somehow? But tomorrow I have work and then Tuesday morning will be here and it will all be due. Then it will be over for a bit.

Last week I went to out town's new....and I believe it is the State's first (?) crisis center. My teacher was part of getting it going. 

I believe in it for sure. It is an awesome thing for the community. It is a place where people can go for only 24 hours if they are having a mental health crisis. 

Typically if you have a mental health crisis one would end up in the ER or even jail believe it or not!

So now they can go to this center and get evaluated and the help they need and sent to the right place for their condition.

On staff they always have two nurses, two social workers, a police man...and I can't remember if there was more. 

I looked at the rooms where the social workers were suppose to someday occupy and I thought...that is where I could end up someday as a social worker. And I began to panic. 

PANIC. 

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT KIND OF JOB!!!!!!!!

What am I thinking!!!!!! I just want to go to school for fun. I don't want a career! That is tooooo scary and who am I that can even do that! I don't know what I am doing and I don't know how to dress classy and I have been falling back into my addiction and I CANNOT be a social worker to help people in an emergency! I don't have the answers myself! I do not know how to do it!

And honestly guys...I cried on the way home after I finished my errands. I cried. 

I called Kristopher. I haven't see him in almost a month which is a record for me. But I called him and left  a message and told him what I just told you. 

He called me back. And I will tell you what he told me. I am telling you because it is super important. Maybe other people know these things all ready. But I don't. And I want the lesson to be part of what I give my kids someday. He left the message on my answer machine.

He said basically that he knows life gets scary. But when you have those thoughts what it really comes down to is disputing those irrational thoughts using the Positive Proclamations (self talk) that you tell your self. 

And he gave me a list of them for this occasion.

I don't like it that's okay, I can stand it anyway.

I cannot be liked and loved by everyone, I can't be what everyone wants me to be but I can do this.

I am capable and confident.

I am achieving in all that I do.

There are people out there looking for me with what I have to offer.

He told me that there is always opportunity with every failure. 

He said to recognize that we ALL fail 75% of the time but that 25% of the time we are successful.

And he said to keep fighting and not to give up.

Maybe it seems like a no brainer to you. But the part to me that is super important is that one does not have to walk around feeling inadequate. Basically the power of your thoughts can snap you out of that. 

Doh! He has told me one million times to use those Positive Proclamations but I get panicky and think all is doomed and forget to take back my own power.

The thing that freaks me out is going to school is just part of the fun journey. Having an actual career? I'm SCARED. 

Today Kate and I did our weekly treat and craft. 

Here is the treat. She did it all basically. She made the whole cake herself and spooned it into the cupcake holders and did everything but frosting the cupcakes. But she dipped it in the sprinkles and I think they turned out darling. We took some to her church teachers. They are men and she just loves them.