DANG baby bump isn't a baby! And I love my Dog no matter what.

It's fluid. That really shouldn't be there. So Monday he may drain it. Which probably means a NEEDLE or something yucky like that. 

Ever since I started donating plasma (forever ago and I don't anymore) I began to try to train myself to be brave and take pain becasue pain happens. So I try not to get to worked up about it. 

HEY! Have you seen those needles when you are donating plasma??? They are huge!!!!! But it did help before they would stick me I just knew it was going to hurt and I would embrace it and it would be okay. So that is what I'll try to do it if hurts.

I saw my Plastic Surgeon today and saw a sign about Botox. I am completely NOT anti- Botox. If this line in the middle of my eyebrows starts to be there all by itself I will totally  Botox it away. I don't even feel shameful about that. 

I am super NOT enjoying these millions of staples all over that feel like they HURT. And they feel GROSS. I don't even think it is specifically them but I have it in my head it is them and I don't like them. 

The Dr. took out my drains and took off all the bandages and now I just have to heal some more and get rid of my baby bump and I'll be doing good. 

The most PAINFUL Process of this whole thing was when he ripped the tape off my back. It hurt a ridiculous amount. It was all silliness. I was like "OWIEEEE!!!"

In all this whole thing (SO FAR, CROSS FINGERS, KNOCK ON WOOD) has not been so terrible.

Here are my quiet book pieces. They are monkeys but they look a little tiny bit creepy. Bo and Kate get so cute and excited when I am working on these because they love to play with them even if they are "too" old. 

This is how I am watching season 5 and 6 of 24 as I cut the quiet book pieces out. It is ridiculous but I get a lot of joy out of making these little pages. 

Okay so....Yesterday was a very sweet day for Kate. Our family has been blessed to have Grandpa Dale in our lives for the past maybe six years. He has taken in our kids as his own little grand kids. He has so much love to give. So becasue Kate is terribly busy, Grandma and Grandpa took Kate to their house to play for a bit. Grandpa had her busy helping him cleaning up lawn clippings. He had lost his car keys for the whole day. Of course that is so stressful. She found them in the bottom of the big trash can and told him but he thought she was teasing. Cause that girl loves a good joke. But she insisted and he saw them there at the bottom and the day was saved! Yay.

Grandpa Dale was so cute to her and made her feel so special for finding them. He was taking her to buy a toy. Justine, who is the real responsible mother of the house, instructed him to not spend very much!!!! And Dale told her "Hey! If you lost your keys and someone found them....something something." I don't remember the rest. But something about how he intended to treat Kate! 

She came home with Silly String and a big bouncy ball and it was a GREAT day for Kate. Thankful to Dale for being such a sweet Grandpa

This is Nathan and a few of the great men in his life (Dale is next to Corey). This was a special day for Nathan in our church. He was made a Priest. 

I almost forgot to tell you what happened to my Dog. 

Suddenly I don't feel so alone.

I have the most beautiful baby bump ever!

Guess what? 

I don't think I even like pop anymore. I had one at the hospital and one since coming home and it's really not even good or refreshing anymore! Now I have to get that to happen with sugar!

Coughing hurts. 

So when you go into surgery they give you this shot of medicine to make you forget everything. I think it's only purpose is to calm you down. I ALWAYS vow that I am going to be stronger then the medicine and REMEMBER SOMETHING from when they wheel you back to the surgical room,

In the past I ahve remembered making it back to the room and it being FREEZING. They keep it freezing because apparently the Drs. get hot in all of their clothes. 

So right before they gave me the shot I asked the super sweetie pie Anesthesiologist if the Dr. was going to have a lunch break and what am I going to do that whole time "Just lay there with everyone looking at me?" 

Yes. Basically yes. 

But the super sweetie pie Anesthesiologist gave his polished off version of I was the star of the show an I would be monitored and carefully watched after. Blah blah. I told him to just make sure there were no crumbs in the Drs. beard and right then Sean Connery showed up and the Anesthesiologist petted his beards and made sure they were crumb free. 

The Dr. had me stand up and he did all his markings on me and then he left and the Anesthesiologist gave me a shot in my IV. Suspiciously I realize...."Is that the shot that makes me forget stuff?" He made a joke and that's all I remember until I was in the surgery room and I know this sounds like the beginning of a musical but I kid you not the Anesthesiologist asked what kind of music I like to listen to and I said Neil Diamond and a moment later a Neil song came on.And that was that. 

And then I literally woke up one second later and I was done! And I felt for where my stomach went and it was gone...ish. 

Okay....So....

here is my BEAUTIFUL BABY BUMP!!!!

I have NEVER HAD A DARLING TINY PREGNANT BELLY. But look.....

I have a baby bump! I super hope a lot of it is swelling. But I did know I still had more weight to lose despite the surgery. 

But my loose skin is gone. I'm pretty thankful about that. I'm super excited about my vision board and I am super excited that I have like four months until I start school again and I want to try to really get some new discipline back in my life. :)

Okay....gotta go cut quiet book pieces. 

I'm super afraid that...

when my Sean Connery of a Plastic Surgeon (I just think it's cool I have a Plastic Surgeon) takes off my tape (which is like as thick as rubber) the top half of me is going to come ripping off the bottom half of me. 

Really.

Honest. 

I think that might happen. 

I think that rubber tape is all that is holding my top and my bottom together. The Plastic Surgeon sewed my abdomen muscles back together (which had a little damage from carrying 6 children) and it feels like they were sewn TOOOOOO tight. I'm sure they weren't. He said that feeling was to be expected. Because I wasn't use to it. But I feel like I have one TOOOOOO tight of SPANX on. 

So the things I plan to get accomplished while I am resting is....

Get all of my pictures uploaded to Amazon Cloud. (Since Winkflash TOTALLY broke my heart.)

Read

since I haven't seen the movie yet. I hate it when I see the movie first. I won't even bother reading the book if I have already seen the movie. I really only want to read the books FIRST. 

Work on my seemingly useless quiet book pages, 

Work on my vision board magnets (done). It is hard to find cute and small and strong magnets. So I started making my own out of buttons and these strong little magnets. I like them!

I made my vision board bigger and I have been improving it. I really love what it "says" to me. As I have been looking for pictures of people that are inspiring to me I noticed that I was leaning towards and embracing pictures of women that are my age or even older. I am coming to embrace getting older and the goodness that comes with it. I am trying to look at my wrinkles with different meaning. Today I read that Sandra Bollock and her son had this conversation....

Bullock said no one's compliments make her nearly as happy as the ones from her son. "I was putting him to bed and told him that even when I'm old and gray and more wrinkly than I am now, I'll still love him and want to tuck him in," she said. "And he asked why I have wrinkles, and I said, 'Well, I hope some of them are from laughing so much.' And he touched my face and said, 'You're not old, you're just happy.' "

I died. It was so sweet. Speaking of which...Sandra Bollock sexiest woman of the year???? She totally deserves it. I really like her. She's going on my board. I think she has goodness in her. 

Write thank you notes (done)

Delete all my private Face Book messages (done)...

Do a few things for my church job...

Clean up junk off my computer. 

I think that's it!

Tomorrow I am going to show you the SADDEST thing I have seen lately. And it has to do with my Dog. 

You know you've had an impressive surgery when...

many of the nurses caring for you have never seen one as extensive as yours. They kept calling me a 350 something something..... meaning they cut me 350 degrees around. 

The very first day they got me up to walk but I was so sick all I could do was sit there. It is insane how much you depend on those sweet kind nurses to help you and take care of you. When I was a girl I would listen to this 

over and over again. Florence Nightingale tape over and over and over again. It talked about how Florence would walk among all of the wounded soldiers with her lantern caring for them. That story ALWAYS stirred my soul. 

When it came time to choose my major I chose Social Work. Being a nurse was too scary for me because I am airheadish and didn't want to kill anyone. But I always felt like I had to explain to people that nursing was my first choice but I didn't think I could hack it. So after this stay in the hospital I realized... Social Work is really where I think I'd rather be. I still love all the medical stuff and I love the huge help of service you can be to someone as a nurse. And I love nurses so so much. But I feel relieved that I am more confident in my area of studies now.  

So after I sat up for a minute I insisted I had to lay back down becasue I couldn't even imagine throwing up in my condition. But the next day I did  better and the nurses were so funny and proud of my little efforts. Love them.

Okay, so here is my plastic surgeon. He came with really great recommendations. And he was both very intelligent and sweet. Lots of times, Drs. can't be both. They are so so so smart and it's like all of their brain got taken up with that so they can't be very social also. But this guy is both. He smelled of VERY strong and deep (I don't even know if that is an explanation) coffee every time he met with me. I liked it. It was very Sean Connery. 

This picture is from his web sight. It totally cracks me up. 

Here is me on my way to the ER. I had a freckle on my nose burned off the day before so it is looking sad. 

Ummmm...Yes I did indeed get up early and wash and flatten my hair. I thought it might tie me over for a few days. 

I had all these big plans to keep it together during my hospital stay. I was going to have some dignity. 

I didn't. I stayed in their gown and grody non skid socks the whole entire time. 

Tomorrow I will give you my to do list for this week while I am laying around recovering. 

I scared Corey. That isn't easy.

Something about me and pain killers are just not working our right.

For the first few days of after my surgery I couldn't stay awake and if I wasn away I DID NOT SPEAK ANY SENSE.

It was crazy to me. I knew I wasn't making sense but I kept trying thinking I was making sense then I would realize I wasn't making sense and get aggravated.

I really don't remember any conversations with visitors. I remember they came but that's it. And I remember Corey and my friend Becci feeding me ice chips. My throat and mouth was as dry as could be. I think that is becasue of the oxygen I was on.

I told the Dr. I kept having bad dreams or really real dreams that were scary becasue they seemed real and then I'd realized they weren't real. And that was just happening over and over. The Dr. lowered or changed my dosage of medicine to help me with that. It helps a little but like on the ride home from the hospital I slept in the van the whole time Corey was in the store getting y prescriptions. Then I'd have dreams and be like...oh yeah. I'm in the van.

When I came home from surgery I showered (Best Shower ever!) and went to bed and Corey who is always ill with Lupus napped too. I started whispering in my sleep. Like a whole sentence. And it woke me up because I realized I was totally whispering real things but I wasn't awake.. So that woke my up and I looked over at Corey and he looks at me and says that  seriously scared me. Hahaha. A few minutes later I was sleeping again and I started talking out loud and quoting math things. "The pluses and minuses go together and the times and division go together. What!!!!?????? And then I was laughing becasue my friend from college was doing something funny at college. I don't know why people enjoy doing drugs. They don't feel that good at all. They are annoying.

Anyway, I'm home so g=far and surviving mostly fine. I wish I had a hospital bed so I could get up easier.

Night

I am alive. No crumbs.

done with my surgery about days ago and on my way home today. I tried to blog sooner to tell you all I am alive but I SERIOUSLY have not been able to type anything coherent. I have not been able to SAY anything coherent. I have been so loopy. I finally had to reduce my pain killers becasue I was out of it and exhausted and I would try and try to talk but I could not stay on topic or make sense. And I would get frustrated because I knew I wasn't making sense.

The recovery has not been intolerable. It hurts and it is annoying but nothing a person can't handle (Especially with pain killers and great nurses who help you get out of bed and do everything you need to do practically)

I have this piece of rubber super duper Saran wrap thingy wrapped all around me so I can't really see my incisions. It feel good like it's keeping me all together but it is tight.

That's all. I'm tired. I have plastic surgery screw ups to watch on the hospital cable now.

:)

I painted my toes and dyed my hair. Ready for surgery. Almost. I need to clean the closet still.

Hi. 

Surgery eve tomorrow night. 

I'm not nervous. 

I mean I think ALL THE TIME about dying from it or becoming paralyzed or them nicking my bladder and me never being able to pee normal again...(Are they even near my bladder)? I wondered if since it is a six hour surgery if he has a snack and I just lay there on the table all out of it and if he does what if a crumb falls from his very hairy goatee and it lands in my stomach? 

But aside from that I don't feel scared. Honest. I am more scared to get back to my real life and gain weight. I am terrified of that. Terrified. Because I struggle so much to control my bad habits. But I know that NOTHING makes me feel worse than when I gain weight back. 

I love this quote. I feel like this. Although I keep messing up but it is how I feel. 

I was SO VERY happy when I saw my family Dr....(Did I tell you all this?) and he said that all my blood work was great! Including cholesterol and no insulin resistant. And the Dr. said I haven't gained 20 pounds like I thought (I told him DO NOT TELL ME HOW MUCH OR it will mentally mess me up) and that he was proud of me and that he was super glad when he found out I was having the surgery and that he thought I had done great. So that was really nice. 

I deep cleaned tons of parts of the house in preparation for the surgery also. Yay me. 

Okay, here is the letter I sent to Kassidy today...(I sent her like three different ones becasue I had to keep telling her more stuff...)

"Oh! One more funny thing. So the family made me go on a drive and a hike.  You know how I DON'T love that! But anyway we were on this rocky hill and Rhett was making fun because he was faster and better and I was a little nervous about falling etc. And he was worried about Bo (WHO IS AN EXCELLENT CLIMBER) and Rhett ran past us to get to the truck like a “Gazelle” and he ran faster than his feet was going and like dove flat on his stomach and was ONE INCH from landing in the only mud puddle around. He got his face just in the tip of the mud puddle and that was it. IT CRACKED us up and I peed my pants a little. hahahahah"

I sat in the back with the boys on the way home. Bo started tickling me and then Rhett started and then I couldn't control the situation and I started ugly laughing which was almost crying. I HATE TICKLING. SO MUCH.

We have an official new family member!!!!

Being out of school is glorious. The first few days I woke up and was like...

I HAVE NO REAL STRESS OR OBLIGATION TODAY! It was awesome.

But now I am like 7 days to my surgery and I have all these cleaning goals plus I have to work almost every day.

But...I have been getting a lot of organizing to do and I love getting things in order. I am even going to try to clean the horrid carpets myself. I have never done that before.

OH!!! And I made my girls the best room downstairs.

And when my girls left we gave their rooms to the boys but I have learned they need a place to come back to because Justine sharing a room with Kate now that she is back isn't working so well. She needs her own space.

I bought this cute bed for Kassidy and I hung shelves and made a shoe shelf and got dressers and decorations. Etc... It is PERFECT. Justine thinks the bed is an old lady bed. I think it is cute. I always like things a tiny bit unique.

FINE. I'll show you pictures even though you'll see a totally unfinished embarrassing room but I think it is AWESOME. I also know it is made out of a lot of make shift mismatched stuff. But I can't make it too comfortable right? I do want them to go back to college right? :)

Justine helping Grandpa hang up a shelf...

I added shelves to this book case to make it a huge shoe shelf for them.

Justine and I went to our friends who had gobs of used furniture. We looked and looked and measured and measured. What do we leave with? This crazy thing that electricians wrap wire around. Our friend painted it a little and then didn't ever do anything more with it. JUSTINE LOVED IT!!!!! And really wanted it. I think it looks pretty cute actually even though something with drawers might have been more practical. 

I decorated Kassidy's shelves with some flying pigs. They seem to be in style but more importantly..it is like the animal of Ohio or something like that...Before Kassidy left I made her pack up everything and like two days later we literally painted her room for Nathan. So with this new room I unpacked all of her stuff. It made me think a lot about her. Sweet girl.

A big mirror, it is so pretty. 

 Justine is super weirded out about how close their beds are to each other. She is so full of funny little issues.  I love them all. Since the girls are both only going to only be around part time, that is why they have such a cozy, make shift room. 

So here is our other awesome news!!! What does this look like to you??? Yes! Pet bowls!

The neighbors moved. And the let us keep the cat!!!!

Seriously, it would have devastated Kate had they not. I'm grateful for Kate's sake that we get to have him. 

Kate held an official vote on what we should rename the cat. Whiskers and Cuddles were her top two choices. Kate got the family together to vote. It was very official. I don't think we can change it's name now. 

Can we be serious? Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

I feel like I will be more comfortable if I fess up now. I feel like I am maybe one of the most transparent persons alive. I don't keep things private very well. It is a weakness of mine and a strength. 

But I keep finding myself feeling heavy hearted when I think of my surgery. I was trying to identify what it is about and I think I know. 

I am feeling like a fraud. And I really don't like that feeling AT ALL. I feel like I am not deserving or worthy of this surgery. I feel like I haven't earned it. I feel this way because I have gained back some weight. I look back at my skinnest picture and my heart hurts that I am not that way anymore. 

I tried and tried and tried for months to get it off again. And I have fought like crazy one day only to fail the next only to be strong the next day only to fail the next. I set a goal and fail. Set a different goal and fail. Try a different tactic and fail. Try again and fail. 

It isn't even about looks and neither is the surgery (Or I'd get a boob job as well!). It is about how I physically feel. How I can cross my legs and run and sit and curl up in bed. I don't every want to be heavy. at all. again. 

But I feel like I use to feel. Trapped in eating. I feel like I can't get back where I was. I believe a lot of it is I have failed so many times that I just keep letting myself fail. And I feel like I am an addict. And I feel (I purposely haven't really shared this much on my blog) with the change in my therapist I may be going from one addiction to another. And I have had a lot of stress. But I could make excuses ALL DAY.

Why am I such an addict anyway? It isn't even just food. It is other things too. I have to really figure out how to guard myself. I almost feel like it is guarding myself from lack of discipline. 

So I feel that no matter how much weight I have lost....it doesn't matter becasue I gained back that 20 (?). But more concerning then that is the old bad habits are constantly seeping back in. There was a time I was a rock. And now I feel incredibly tenuous.

The Dr. wasn't bothered by it at all and I can still benefit greatly from the surgery and there are still things that he deems medically necessary to be done but I feel like I don't deserve it becasue of that weight I gained back. And more concerning is becasue I don't feel quite stable. I am terrified I am going to gain the weight back. And that would be horrible after I go through that surgery. 

But I feel also like I can't pass the opportunity up. The insurance approved it and I won't have to pay anything. I am at a weight that is "good enough" for the surgery. I have things that need to be fixed even if I gain weight back. The Dr. said this often times gets people motivated and feeling good enough to work harder and lose more. 

I feel embarrassed that when you lose a lot of weight people are very observant if you gain it back. I don't want to. So when people tell me "I want you to teach me how you lost weight" I feel like such a fraud. Because I am hanging by a thread myself and who am I to teach anyone anything. Or if people tell me I deserve the surgery or how exciting it is I feel like I have to say "Yea, but I am very vulnerable right now. I'm barely hanging in there."

I'm scared. I am going to press forward but I have concerns. 

But all I know how to do is start over. Every single time I fail I have to start over again. And again. And again. And I am getting the surgery. 

I keep adding to my vision board. It gives me hope. Looking at these pictures and the inspiring words I think I am NOT GOING to give up. But right now I am just so very mad at myself for my failure. I am mad I don't look thinner anymore. And I feel like a faker. I am mad that I have been trying and failing for a long time now. 

  

I hope you guys are there to support me and not judge me too harshly and know I'm trying and it is hard and it isn't as easy as one thinks it should be (just eat carrots). And I don't know why it isn't as easy as it should be. But it's not for me. 

I don't drink pop still anymore. So that's one thing.

I am the master note card writer for tests. master.

I am done with this semester of school

Holy Hallelujah!!!!

I can't even describe today (my first free day) what a relief it was.

I slept all morning, went to my new therapist, came home and vacuumed and vacuumed and vacuumed. We have a SERIOUS dog hair problem. 

I helped Justine move back home a little. I have made her and Kassidy a "room" to share for the times they will be home. I have really made it cute (Well, I am still working on it) and have poured a lot of love in it. It is just totally a makeshift room (can't have them toooo comfortable, right?) but when they left we gave their rooms to their siblings. But now I am seeing that they need a place to come home to. I'll show you pictures later. I went to the D.I., shopped for a bed on Craig's list and sewed the couch cousins and I can't believe that AGAIN tomorrow I have no real obligations. It is AWESOME. I feel so spoiled. But I am getting my house and life ready for my surgery.

One week until my surgery. I Googled it and talked to my Dr. and it is going to be SCARY. AND...he said I have a heart murmur! I have never had one before so my main Dr. is making me go get an ultrasound on it. I'm not too worried. But I don't want it to interfere with my surgery. And I also don't know why suddenly I have a heart murmur. I guess it's a little concerning but only when you Google it. I should know better than to goggle anything.

So I got a C+ in statistics. The hardest class in the century. It was sooooo hard. Here is a picture of the cheat sheet you are allowed to bring into the test. THAT IS HOW HARD IT IS. And with this cheat sheet I STILL only got an F+. Crazy.

I had two super faithful tutors. One of my tutors was only 21 but he was fairly wise. He wants to be a therapist and I think he would be awesome. Sometimes I am sitting by them feeling like an idiot because I am so clueless. So I awkwardly said...."Won't you miss me?" and he was so kind and sincere and said he will miss working with someone who works so hard. And then after all the tutoring was over and we were saying goodbye he told me "I've never seen anyone work so hard at a class ever!" I felt good about that! That is why I am proud of my F+. If I hadn't of studied I would have got a C+ in the class. So even if I failed a lot I still got what I needed to move on. Kristopher told me once that a lot of college is just jumping through the hoops and I have certainly found that to be true.

Here is my night stand table. I buy books for a penny on Amazon all the time. Makes me happy. I hope to read a bunch over the summer. 

OKAY.......... You are never ever going to believe this. You know Sybil???? You know. Sybil??? Split personality? WELL!!!!! Apparently it IS NOT EVEN TRUE!!!!! I died. 

When my super smart and interesting teacher told us that I died. NO WAY. So I ordered a book on the topic. I'm kind of scared to read it. It has creepy dolls on the cover. 

It's my cute nephew's b-day tomorrow.

Look what Justine and I got him tonight....

IT"S A PIZZA PILLOW!!!!! Doesn't it look real?????

It looks like a greasy piece of pizza sitting there! Justine and I are super excited about it. 

So my super interesting teacher has some real health problems. 

He taught us something that other cultures believe. We get very upset as Americans when things don't go well because we believe we are "suppose" to be happy and if life isn't going well then there is something definitely wrong. 

The cultures we were learning about which I think was Japan and Asia, they don't get riled up or depressed about life when it goes bad. They believe that life is suffering. So when bad things happen they don't really consider it a problem because they just already expect that that is what life is. 

So I went his office for a minuet to chat and I saw on his wall in all fancy writing..."Life is Suffering". I mentioned to him in all seriousness that that must bring him peace when he is bothered with his health. I don't know what it was about it but when I read it I felt peace. He told me that yes. It really did. That he will be feeling sick and sad and he will look at that quote and be like "oh yeah." and be able to move on with his day. 

What do you guys think? I think it is awesome. I really do.

Alright, talk to you all later.