Just doing a little catch up here. Our Christmas was nuts. Everything has been nuts for a good while now! 

I had the house looking as cute as it can for Christmas. I wanted everything darling for Kassidy to come home. I put up the Christmas village. I HATE putting up the village but I have got it down now so it takes way less time. The kids liked it and they all helped me a bit. I was amused later to find baby Jesus in the back of the pick up truck. :) 

The ten (maybe) pounds I gained over Christmas I totally earned. I made and ate too many treats. I love sugar. I know how horrible it is for me but I eat it anyway. :(

The kids helped me make all the treats. That was the plan actually, for us to do some stuff together. But then they didn't even eat the treats and I kept eating it. Arg. 

We mixed all of this stuff together and then poured white chocolate all over it and it was good!

I didn't have red and green M&M's so it was less Christmasy.

I am learning so much from my internship. It is so great. I love working with the different Parole Officers and learning about that different styles. 

Something I have been doing a lot of shadowing with right now is the domestic violence offenders. I have been going to their court and to their treatments. They are often court mandated to take a 52 week class. And if they miss two weeks in a row....they start ALL over again. Even if they were almost done. I went to one of their treatment classes and the two facilitators did a great job and a lot of it was about rewiring their brains so that they see relationships and women and parenting differently then they have viewed it before. It takes time to rewire the brain. IT has been so fascinating.  

Last night I ran my first real life group. Running a group is probably actually called facilitating. So my job was to basically kind of lead who was going to talk next or if I wanted to call on someone etc and then I give minimal feedback because this group and the group attendees are really taught and encouraged to give each other feedback. It's a real supportive group for these people. Because who knows more about what it is like to be in prison then these people. So they have some of the best insight for each other. I love it because as social workers we are taught that our job is to teach the people that they have the answers within themselves. After all of my years of therapy I am finally starting to realize that I have the answers in me and I don't need my therapist or husband or parents or friends to tell me what the answer is. I have been taught that I have the answers and they can be just as good of answers as anyone else has. Kristopher helped teach me that. And my newest therapist Rachel has been really good about that. And honestly my sister in law Tracy. She has been instrumental in pounding it my head that I don't need any one else's opinions. That I have this.That my answers and opinions are good enough. 

Anyway, all that to say....I ran group. And it went just fine. 

So, Corey and I drove to Nampa to have my interview for graduate school. It wasn't scary but it was pretty overwhelming when I learned what the classes entail and the work schedule. The interview was way more intense than anyone else I know who has applied there. I heard they have made some changes so they must be beefing up things. It was a 2.5 hour interview. Two role plays, an essay portion, an interview and question and answer. It went well. I DESPISE role plays. But thankfully the guy (a former student, now a therapist)  I was role playing with was kind and he made it very easy. I didn't receive any negative feedback and one of my answers they said was the best they had heard all day, it was only 1:00 pm haha. The answer seriously just came from my mom skills, not any of my education. :)

 A few days later I was accepted! So wahoo.....and I'm concerned! I am going to quit saying I am scared. Every time I am scared it seems pointless by the time I am done with whatever I was scared of. So I am concerned. Can I do the work load without my sweetie BYU-I kids to help me, Can I do it? Will it be too hard? Am I smart enough? Am I sacrificing my little kids to chase dreams (to that answer, I have no better options. I have to do this. It isn't just about dreams. It is about other family circumstances including Corey's Lupas)? Etc Etc. 

It makes me smile how proud my mom is of me. 

The other day Kate called me with the HAPPIEST little voice ever. She left me a message on the answer machine telling me that in the bottom of the bird's cage was 3 EGGS!!!!!!! She was so cute and happy. Her parakeets LAID EGGS!!!!! I thought you had to work hard to get those birds to lay eggs. In all of my little pet store experience I didn't know it could happen that easy. 

Kate had been telling me for quite a while that her birds are not getting along. I told her that sometimes sibling fights and so do birds. 

Another thing that was different is they have been shredding the paper on the bottom of the cage and making a total mess. 

And now we know why! She was making herself a little nest. Or trying to. But it was 't successful so she just had them on the bottom of the cage. Kate asked me if she could keep them all and I said "Sure!" Because I had no idea they could really hatch either. But the internet said yes!

So we will see what happens.

I was accepted to graduate school. I am freaked out. Am I smart enough for it!!!!????? All I can do is try. I am also SO scared for the debt. I am also scared about having a career.

My sweet 2nd mom, Mary, Face booked this to me. Loved it. 

My little Bo. He makes me so happy. He is ten. But he still LOVES his mama. He keeps himself so very busy just doing stuff. 

His Pokemon bank. He loves Pokemon still. 

So my therapist taught me something new. 

He told me that there are a few stages to forgiveness. sometimes you feel like you have made it to the top level when you can pray to Heavenly Father that you will forgive and won't remember any more. But that isn't it. The real truth to knowing if you have really forgiven someone is if you pray to Heavenly Father that He will forgive them and that HE won't remember anymore. That rang truth to me. 

I am so so busy! And the part that hurts my heart is the little kids are noticing I am not around as much and they are making comments to me. I didn't know this internship was going to take me away after school so much. So I just have to get through this part and hope they will survive.

I did spend a few days solid with them and then decided that I WOULDN'T survive. They are MONKEYS. Fighting Monkeys. For reals. It's exhausting.

So I hope they will forgive me and survive that despite the fact that I always just wanted to devote my life to being only a mom...I am going to continue on with my schooling and eventually work. The problem is with committing myself to graduate school, I commit myself to debt, and I commit myself to work to pay off that debt. So many big choices.

I decided that one solution with Kate would be to play Barbies with her for 15 minutes each night. She would adore that.

Kate had her 8th birthday party at the local pool. It had to be cancelled early because some one pooped in the pool. For reals. 

Kassidy was home for the weekend. She was pretty tortured. It's hard to come home to a chaotic family when you have been gone.

Kate is Kassidy's twin in. so. many. ways. 

Just going to be open and honest here. I am typing on the way to Boise to have my interview for grad school.

I feel like I have no idea who I am in these professional clothes and doing this. I basically made these decisions alone. I just decided I was doing all of this and went for it. But I have concerns. The whole school thing has been expensive. And I am not really going into a field that pays that much. And sometimes I feel so inadequate. Like at the internship they are ready for me to start running the groups. The weight gain honestly saps my self-confidence. And that is ridiculous. I watched this awesome thing about how our bodies are just our shells and don’t define us. So regardless of my weight gain I should just go forth with my insides that I have been trying to develop shining through.

Anyway. Whatever. I am excited and proud of myself for getting all of this done. It hasn’t been killer hard. I think if I can do practically anyone can. It just takes the time to get it done. Grad school may be a whole different story so I will let you know.

The one thing that keeps ringing in the back of my head is the other night when I mentioned to Bo and Rhett that I was almost done with school but then would do grad school Rhett was like why? Like he was confused that I might actually use my schooling when I was done and have a career. And I felt kind of badly because I never wanted to be a career person and it feels so contradictory to who I am. I wanted to always just be the mom at home. But certain life circumstances propelled me this direction. And it is different than I ever thought it would be. And I am always reconciling that in my mind. This internship has been major. I have not been home after school three days a week and sometime gone until the evening. I don’t like it but it is also nice for me to do this. I had a professional tell me the other day it was high time I did this for myself. In a way I agree. I want to work on myself. But when my little 10 year old groans that I am doing school because now I never do fun things with him anymore…..my heart cries a flood of tears. But then I think…huh??? What fun stuff was I doing with you before???? Lol. And I think….whenever I do fun activities…like making adorable cupcakes with Kate…

I can barely get you to join in anyway because you are glued to the iPad. So I don’t know if I should feel so bad or not. And…I took you on a trip in the summer that I would have NEVER have gone on before. So I don’t know if he is trying to guilt me or express that I am not around as much or what. But it hurts my heart and I don’t even know if I am doing the right thing. And it is costly in the financial way also. And will I even be able to be that good at this job? I want to be really really good. And I want to like it.

So those are my thoughts as I am headed to my grad school interview. Corey is driving me down because there is a Skippers in Boise and he adores that place. So I am typing as we go listening to this horrendous 80’s station he likes when I really want to listen to my Christian rock station. Haha.

But I also am proud of myself for going for all these things that are scary and push me over and over. Like running a group myself.

A few people have helped me face these scary things.

My sister in law Tracy who told me “You are just as good as any of those people (the other professionals I work with) they are just further along in the process.” So whenever I go into a room that is with all of these professionals and I feel insecure I lift my head up and think I am just as good as any of these people.

MY sister in law Wendy who once told me “Everyone is faking it!” Meaning that when I think everyone else has al the answers and can do the job so much better, everyone is just trying to figure stuff out themselves too and sometimes you just fake it and act like you know what you are doing and go forward. She wasn’t referring to me exactly, obviously you don’t want to do surgery and fake it, haha, but she was talking about life in general.

Kristopher “face your fears”. The growth I received from facing those first few fears, mainly that first step to work at the boot store which was TERRIFYING, more terrifying then going to a grad school interview, really taught me that if you are scared of something DO IT. I was scared to work in Adult Parole and Probation. I was scared of all of it. Some of my class mates wouldn’t even go interview at the table with the Parole officers at the job fait because they just looked so intimidating. But here I am. Running a group next week with felons and probationers. And I am not even scared of them anymore either. Wisely cautious. But not scared.

Here is a picture of me at the college for my interview.

Why yes I am hiding behind the sign. 

Corey was going to hoist me up on this so I could lay on it for the photo but I literally was going to pee my pants from laughing and ruin my new clothes! So then when we went to do it after we forgot.

I am on my way home right now. I have some thingy that you plug into the thingy in the car that lets my lap top work. So I am 100% overwhelmed! I am completely stressed out. It sounds like so much work and more interning and I am just concerned how to do it and be mom.

It sounded like so much. But I also realize that I get overwhelmed until I really see the plan and the classes and the time and the thought of a Masters just SOUNDS so scary that I need to check into it more before I freak too much. And here is the thing….if not this then I will end up working so I might as well get this done while I am going. I just want my little kids to be okay.

And I want to weight 30pounds less. Is that too much to ask???? Really??? Ugh.

So the interview was 2 HOURS LONG!!!! I am so glad I went into it so blind because I had no time to be nervous. Plus I am getting so good at facing my fears that I was just like…eh. Ill deal with it when it comes. SO I had to do four different stations. ½ hour each. Interview, role play, role play, and a written essay to see that we really can write and that we aren’t just good at having someone edit our stuff. They were all super nice there. The guy I role played with was a former student and now a therapist and I felt completely at ease with him so I think it went pretty well. On the first role play she had no negative critiques of me and positive things to say and on the second role play they actually said I had done the best of the day so far….which it was only 1:00 haha, so who knows. But honestly the only reason I nailed that pat was cause…duh, I am a mom! Problem solving is what we do! J

So one of the profound things the women taught me in the women’s group at Adult Parole and Probation is something they are told to do that they REALLY embrace. “Breath and focus on your task!!!”

Makes total sense! Yesterday one of the PO’s had work to do in the jail. So he took me with him to the very center where the guards are at with the jail pods all around them. Kind of like a wagon wheel. So you could see the inmates doing their thing all around you. The guards keep it a bit dark where they are at so they can’t be seen very well. I was trying so hard not look like a wimpy girl but it was totally hopeless. J Let’s just say it was completely…wild.

Can’t I bring all my cute little college kids with me to Graduate school? I love them so much.