DAY ONE. I'm alive. Mike was right so far

You guys. 

I HATE ALL OF MY CLOTHES. Almost. 

I am purging my closet tonight. I don't even have anything great but I am not feeling good in what I have and I need to clean my closet bad. 

I know I always talk about my weight, blah blah blah. SO BORING.

I go in the same cycle. 

But when I first lost my weight it was pretty simple. One reason the bigger you are the easier it comes off and I was super motivated. Also, I was so entrenched in therapy and changing some of my hurts that I most probably changed my addiction. 

So I gained a little back. AND I HATE IT.

And every day I wake up and I commit to do better and I might for a day or so but I always end up binging on sugar eventually. 

And I have become a diet pop addict. I NEVER use to care or drink pop. But when losing weight I wanted sweet things and it kept me fuller. And when in school because I don't get enough sleep I wanted the caffeine. And when I don't have pop I have little packets of artificial energy packets to put in my water. 

It BUGS me. I feel guilty all the time thinking I am hurting myself with all that bad stuff. And I have been reading how diet pop keeps you as fat as the normal kind.

So today....one week before finals, because I ate MORE chocolate yesterday then you would believe, and because I am spending money I don't have on chocolate and pop at the gas station, and because I keep reading that if you just stop the cravings really go away, I decided to quit. I know I did this once before but that doesn't matter. I have to keep going no matter what. By the way, when I say no sugar, I am just doing my best to do that. No treats, no syrups, but I had a white tortilla at school and it probably has sugar but I can't figure this all out at once. So any way...

DAY ONE NO CAFFEINE, NO SUGAR

I almost died during tutoring I was so tired. 
I COULD barely concentrate during math.
I literally feel asleep for 2 seconds while driving home. (That is a real problem for me. I struggle to stay awake driving and that was one reason I started going to the gas station all the time)
I came home from school and had to have a nap. (that NEVER happens)
I have a very mild headache.

Anyway, that's all. This is really how I feel. 

These things are too heavy. It is a burden to be bound to things. My friend once said "Why would I want a stupid brownie when I can have God?" I am filling myself up with the wrong things. I am finding solace in the wrong things. I prayed today to make it through today. I am going to try that tactic this time. :)