You soul needs you to love her.

Sometimes blogging makes me feel a bit exposed. I have shared so many private things. And I don't know if you guys are thinking bad things about me or if you can relate or what. So it leaves me feeling very vulnerable at times. I appreciate the comments I do get of love and support and it keeps me sharing publicly.

Anyway...today I want to talk about my post the other day about the page I made for the "Soul Restoration" class. As I said you were suppose to pick someone in your mind who would always tell you the truth about yourself.

It couldn't be a living person because a living person can fail you and that would really hurt.

The purpose of this person who would always tell you the truth about yourself is that this person is someone who knows you and the truth of you heart and the beautiful you that you are. That we all are. The idea is that often we are incredibly hard on ourselves and we think bad things about ourselves or people have told us things about ourselves that have injured us. And we carry those things around with us and continue to be hurt by them and believe those "lies". The person who will tell us the truth about ourselves won't tell us those "lies". Wont hurt us with them.

Let me give you a person example of a lie I have told myself.  I was always told I talk a lot. From the time I was little. I probably did. Actually I did. But that has stuck with me in a not nice way. And honestly I don't like it. It hurts me. It makes me feel like I am a bad listener. And I don't really think that is true. But I have it in my head I talk too much. I love to chat. But I think I can listen. So that is a lie I believe about myself. That I talk TOO much. That everyone thinks I am a talker and that I am terrible and bad and wrong.

The other day I was to lunch with my friend and I said "I'm sorry, I talk too much." She looked at me baffled. And said "No you don't!" And I thought... NO! I don't! I like to talk. But I don't think it's too much! I can listen too.

Another example of a lie I was told that I still carry around with me is that I ask too many questions. That has always hurt me. I ask a lot of questions. I am curious about how life works and how people work. But I can get to know a lot about something or someone while others around me don't know or care (and that's okay too, for them.) So who SAYS I ask TOO many questions!!!! Lies. From when I was little. That I still carry around with me.

So the purpose of the "truth teller" is that He tells you the truth about yourself. You prayerfully or heartfeltedly think about what the truth about yourself is. And that is probably your truth.

SO my truth is....I LOVE PEOPLE. I LOVE LIFE. I am curious about them and it. And that makes me inquisitive and smart and curious. And that is a beautiful thing.

That my friends, is the truth. Not that I ask TOO many questions. That is a lie I tell myself that someone told me once, that hurts me. That holds me back.

It is about being kind to your soul. It is about seeing that God loves us and thinks we are special. We would teach that to our sons and daughters, right? So why isn't it for us too?

About the class and who you are supposed to choose to keep your soul in check, some people chose a deceased grandparent, others chose a butterfly, Melody (the creator of the class) chose God. It is obvious to me that it is suppose to be God but I am sure she is just making the class comfotable to all people.

Some people struggle with their relationship with God. I am actually one of them. I can't visualize Him. I can't decide if he is talking to me or if it is my own crazy OCD brain. The whole story where Abraham was told to kill his son in the Bible??? I could never trust myself that that came from God. I struggle with what is coming from God and what is not.

I really struggle with how in the world does God have time for me or care about me when when there are billions of people on the earth. I really get hung up on that.

I have also been hung up on the thought that He punishes me when I make a mistake. So if I do laundry on Sunday He is going to cause my washing machine to break. Things like that.

I have gotten a bit cynical that He let me suffer in some things for so long. Kristopher said that was the Best News of the Day because I learned so much from it. And I said "Blah Blah Blah you poop head!" Oh, just kidding!

I decided to take the opportunity of this class to try to retrain myself as to how I visualize Him. Because logically, from what I know from being a parent, He isn't out to hurt me or punish me. Or shame me or harass me for my faults. What I know from being a parent, He wants to help me, and love me, and encourage me, and scoop me up with kisses and hugs. Right?

 Here is a closer look of how I made my tree for the class.

I like glitter. And the birds represent me and Heavenly Father having a little chat.

I thought of the qualities I need Him to be. I thought of the qualities I believe Him to be. I thought of the qualities of a man I know who is kind and honorable. I thought of the qualities Kristopher has shown me and taught me in therapy. I pictured these qualities. And I thought, if these two men are just ordinary men and they aren't even my Father, than my Father is probably this... times ten.

And I am trying to use these thoughts to be kind to my soul and understand that God loves me.

Those are the things I am choosing to believe that my Father is.

A sweet friend left me a comment on my blog that ALMOST NEARLY tore my heart out.

When she thinks of God she feels shame. Because He knows her faults.  I want to cry for her. I know because of how I have been treated in therapy that God is not shaming us when we make mistakes. He is anxious for us to come to Him and He wants to tell us....

"Way to go sweet girl, you learned something new."

"I know you'll get it next time, it's okay."

"You are okay, mistakes are okay."

"You are trying! I know you are tired. You can rest. It doesn't have to all be today."

"I knew you wouldn't be able to be perfect. That is why I gave you a Savior. To meet you wherever you are at, and bring you the rest of the way there."

Those are the things God is telling us. Not shame, not disappointment.

You are telling your soul lies, my friend. You learned those lies somewhere and you are telling your soul  them...still.

I know from the bottom of my soul that God is not looking at you, my sweet friend, in shame. He doesn't want you to feel shame. He is looking at you as His marvelous creation and He LOVES all that you are learning. And He hurts for you that you don't see the miracle that you are. And He hurts that you think He is looking at you and your mistakes and you feel shame. He wants you to feel beautiful when He looks at you. He KNOWS you make mistakes. He thinks mistakes are okay. He KNOWS that is how you are learning, He never thought you would do it perfectly. He never expected you to do it perfectly. THAT IS WHY HE GAVE YOU OUR BROTHER. To compensate for what He already knew was to be.

But you are beautiful because you care and are up every day starting again. You are beautiful just because of that. You are beautiful just because you are His. No shame, my sweet friend. None at all. I promise you. There is no reason. Please believe me.

I have been learning this through therapy. I don't even know how to explain to you all how I am learning THAT in therapy. But I am. I am. It's just the truth.

Here are the truth cards I have been making that I told you about. The class gives you hundreds of sweet messages of "truths" to you soul. You pick the ones that speak to you and make little cards out of them (which is so fun). You read these. And somehow they have power to speak to your sensitive, sweet soul. That's how I know they are "my" truths. Somehow they are healing. you might have different truths. And that is okay. But these are some of mine. I have made like thirty of these cards. Because mod podge is fun. And being nice to your soul is fun.

Those are just a few. These are the things I am trying to learn.

Bye, guys. I got a B- in Biology. It felt like I earned my doctorate, I was so dang proud.