Hello, my old friend.

It's been about six months since I have seen your face. I decided today that I needed you again, back in my life. School is all but a minute away from being done for the summer and I want you back in my world. 

ALSO....I don't know where else to put some of the exciting things in my life! Like this!

I found out I can take local classes to become a person who is certified in having therapy dogs and teaching the dogs how to be therapy dogs. I have not been so excited about something since I started my internship at the psychiatric hospital. So when I am a counselor, I can have a dog in my office when their are patients who need the comfort of one. OR, I can take the dog into places like detention centers other places for people who need the comfort of a dog. THIS calls to my soul. I believe in it. I have always loved animals and believed in their magic. 

This isn't a done deal but I am looking into it for next summer.

That's all. 

Oh yeah.....and I got fat. I haven't thrown in the towel but for now it's okay. Someone special to me told me, "How we look on the outside isn't a valid measurement to personal value. Our value is determined by the person who we become and living a life of passion and purpose." 

My Justiney girl got me these gems for Christmas. I LOVE!!!!!! She also got me North and South DVD's. She is SO good to make sure everyone in the family has Christmas treasures from her. She is a great gift giver. 

Tonight we forced the kids (the four left at home) to watch a movie with us old folks. What a strange stage of life! At the dinner table tonight we only had three kids!  Corey is struggling. He keeps making them hang out, come home, be around. They are confused. Haha. The other night "we" had to have a talk with Rhett to not be on his phone so much at night. I told Rhett during the talk Corey and I were having with him...."Basically, dad misses you."

I flood facebook with funny memes about how terrible school is. It cracks me up. But honestly, I love it. I love what I am learning, I love the new friends I have that I am learning with, and I love the hospital where I am interning and I am grateful for the opportunity to gain an education.

Baconator!

Somedays at my internship when working with the mentally ill my heart literally feels like it wants to burst with love exploding out of it for these people. The lives of the people who visit us at the hospital lives are HARD. In my undergrad, one of my favorite professors told us that he use to work at the hospital where I am interning. He would tell his patients that at the moment the only difference between him and them is that for TODAY he is sitting on this side of the table. It is humbling and important to remember that. 

An important thing I have learned recently is that people are not "cutting" for attention. When people cut, their brain gives them chemicals that make you feel better.  It is a distraction from the deep emotional pain they are feeling. 

About five months ago I found it necessary to quit sweets. I get so addicted to it. I quit for four months, and I lost 8 pounds. I realize that isn't a lot in 4 months, but at least I was going the right direction. And most importantly I basically didn't care at all about desserts anymore. It was sweet freedom. I did eat some other things that turn into sugar (like french fries) that I needed to weed out. I made it clear until after Christmas and then I had some sweets here and some there and now I am a full fledge sugar addict again. And I have gained 4 pounds back. And I FEEL emotionally miserable. When I had lost my weight I felt so great. And as it has snuck back on it has really been painful. It should be easy to just eat carrots and get it off. Aside from the fact that something changed when I had my gall bladder out and healthy food doesn't like my stomach anymore, and the fact that I am eating out a ton from being so on the run, I am also a person who turns to food for peace. So I am really struggling.  I am going to try again.

You guys!!!! I feel so smart when I keep up with technology. My cute college kid friend who sold me my first smart phone a few months ago, always lets me "message" (I didn't even know what that was a bit ago!) him with questions that I don't know. And he is the sweetest to help me. I don't get people who complain about "kids these days". I think they are great. I have met MANY great ones. So he just taught me to access my pictures from my phone so now I can blog about them. All of this technology can be hard to keep up with when you really aren't that into it. 

So, I love the thrift store. I go in and have my routine of things I look for that bring a little joy to my life. I look for Pokemon or Mary Kate and Ashly VHS, cards for sending notes to people (I love when I can find old charming ones from when I was a girl), Toy horses of any kind, Puzzles that are from when I was a kid because they are way better made, fondue pot skewers, CLUE games, and fondue pots!!!!! haha, I feel like I have just told everyone the weirdest things ever! But those are the things I look for. Guys, I buy fondue pots. You can get them brand new for cheap. I have like six now and I never have used one. I think I mentioned this already once before. 

Anyway, last week....NO FONDUE POTS. But that is okay because they had this awesome had to have it BRAND NEW BACONATOR!!!!!!!!!

Corey joked about knowing why it was brand new because it was STUPID. But it wasn't. It was AWESOME!!!!!

We love it when the college girls come home! Kassidy and her twinny doing a mask. 

Oh!!! I should tell you about the sneaky puzzle thing I do with Bo now. When the girls went back to college Bo got his own room and a place to decompress and do his homework. He has a few flat dresser spots. I will get out a puzzle, put it on his dresser, do a few spots of the edge, turn a few piece over, and ususaly less then a week later he has the puzzle all done. I think it is the cutest thing ever and I think I am tricky.

Going ons!

So. I have been going to physical therapy with this body builder guy as my physical therapist. Sometimes he pushes so hard I wonder if it is because he is too strong and doesn't know his own strength? Or is that just how hard he is supposed to push for the manual therapy that they do to release whatever he is trying to release in my ligaments. He is enjoyable for me to have a conversation with because he was once a parole officer with sex offenders, a guard at a jail, and he knows about mental illness. Oh....and my knees feel 100% better after seeing him. He said they are not sore from being overweight. I don't know if that is true but I am choosing to believe him. He said my knee caps are not staying on track. And that is exactly what it feels like and it feels like sometimes I have to wiggle my leg to get it back in place. I am so frustrated by it. So he tapes my knees each time I see him. Last time he taught me how to do it myself and I ordered the special tape on Amazon. It as amazing how much sturdier my legs feel when they are taped. If I can do my exercises regularly for 3ish months the muscles should pull the knee caps back, so that's good. 

I basically spent the most for books this semester than I have ever spent before. $250.00! I died. I could have saved money if I had rented the books but I just can't do that. I need to own them so I can write all over in them and refer to them later. 

For the next person that tells me I should meditate!..........

I learned a new thing in therapy with Joel a few months ago, and I think about it so often because I really think I will use it in my career and my mothering. Have you guys ever thought about the negativity we give towards people who are doing things for attention? We say things like, "ignore them, they just want attention", or "don't' look at them they just want attention", or if they are self-harming, "ignore it, they want attention". 

What if....WE JUST GAVE THEM ATTENTION! Why is it a negative or a bad thing to give someone the attention that they need or that they are crying out for? Why are we invalidating people who are desperately needing validation? I thought that was so kind and insightful and generous and giving. I was like, WOW. So instead of being annoyed when people want attention...we give it to them!!!!! I feel so stupid that I ever thought there was a different or more effective or a better way. 

I told Joel that we need to come up with a quote for that because I thought it was so brilliant. Joel told me there was one. It's called "No Whiners" (I just did Junie B. Jones language right there, in case you care). I was like well that is just RUDE. But he explained it. If we give people the attention they need, they won't need to "whine". The object is to meet needs so that they don't have to cry out and we don't have any whiners, their needs are met. That sounds pretty Christ-like to me if you want to think about it in that way. 

By the way, self-harm is not necessarily a cry for attention. Huh! I am going to blog about that tomorrow. 

We had the sweetest Christmas Eve yet. 

For the record, I have no idea how this happened but we began watching The Planet of the Apes for Christmas Eve. We did it for years and years. It. Makes. No. Sense. This year we went to Corey's mom's instead and had clam chowder.

Carolyn's husband, Dale, has been my kid's Grandpa for about 7ish years now. We adore him. He is so much fun and kind. He read us a little Christmas story and then bore his testimony of Christ. It was absolutely beautiful and tender and so incredibly heartfelt. 

Then he gathered us in a circle, had us hold hands, and he said a prayer for all of us. It was so beautiful.

I was really grateful that my children had the opportunity to feel the spirit of Christmas and love and see the humble testimony of their sweet Grandpa that we so thankfully claim as ours! 

(This picture was a few years ago.)

I spent the evening getting organized for the new year! I don't ever make new years goals. But I am making some goals. I waste too much time! I don't do my exercises for my bad knees that my PT tells me to do (I love that guy), I have eaten sugar the past week, I want to have a strong body, I want to pass the MSW test I have in six months, I want to lose some of the weight I gained, I want to connect with God, I want to have gratitude, I want to save money, and I want my PICTURES ORGANIZED ON THE COMPUTER!!!!! So I have made goals surrounding these areas and I have made a daily goal book that I am super excited about, and we will see how it goes!!!!!!

My internship rocks the house!

It has been my dream since I started going back to school in Social Work to have an internship at our Psychiatric Hospital. I had to wait until I was in graduate school to try but I AM THERE!!!!!!!! It has been an incredible experience. Dare I say, in the top of my best life experiences. Dare I say.... a spiritual experience. I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH. the mentally ill. Specifically, those suffering from schizophrenia and those suffering from psychosis. And when I say suffering...they are suffering. Their lives have been hijacked by a brain disease. And I just can't help but deeply love them. They are cute and sweet and funny and scared and hurting and paranoid and delusional. I am excited every single time I enter the unit. When I smell the smell of the unit (which is hospitalish like) I feel like I am home. I am still scared sometimes. And sometimes it is for just reasons. But I am acclimating and my heart is so huge for them and I am learning. I still have so much to learn and experiences to work through and improve upon but as of now I am in love with this place and these people "my" team and I am so thrilled and feel very blessed to be at this internship. I am learning so much love and my heart is open so wide. I don't know if that is how it will stay, but for now, I am just so very happy and full of love.

One day a patient came and told us he was scared. We asked why and it was because the voices in his head were telling him some scary things. We were able to talk to him and tell him these things were just his brain and the chemicals playing tricks on him. We were able to physically verify with him that these things were not a problem and that he was okay and he went on his way feeling better. And my heart broke and fell in love all over again. This happens to me non-stop during the days at the hospital. 

It has never been a secret that I love to go to therapy. In my grad program, our teacher has actually told us she wants every single one of us in therapy. It helps us become better at our job and it also helps us deal with our problems so they don't ever try to explode on the patient/client. 

I see a therapist named Joel sometimes. He is really great to have a conversation with and I enjoy the really great things I am learning from him. He told me a story about a time he was looking into a new job and he drove into a very rural area and sat in on a group session with some very mentally ill people. He said the therapist was incredible and did the best job ever. Later Joel asked him about the people getting better from his treatment. The man told Joel they weren't there to get better. 

They were there to get love. 

That resonated to my core. 

When I think of my patient telling us he was scared and we appeased his fear and gave him some love and he went on his way, I remember that story that Joel told me. Many of the patients who are so very ill won't get better. But they can have some love. And have their fears put to rest. And I can lighten their burdens. That makes me so happy and honestly, it is enough for me. 

Winter camping!!!!!

Back to blogging!!!!! I will be making it private again but I after not blogging for months and months, I have found myself floundering a bit as to where to journal or write things I want to remember and I don't scrapbook anymore. Also, the company I use to use to turn my blog into a book for me quit and I have been trying and trying to find a good substitute and if I can't turn my blogs into books it seems kind of like a waste of time to blog! Sooo.....those have been my dilemma and why I have kind of been missing in action. But I really am missing having a place to document stuff. So I am going to start it again and soon I will be private again also and then I know that no one reads them but, whatever. 

I found these pictures sitting in a draft so I will start with these....Corey took the kids winter camping! Crazeee!!!!!!!!! I started graduate school to get my masters in social work and I had a big research paper do so I did not go. 

Corey made this little wood stove out of a propane bottle so they all stayed nice and toasty.

The kids all go by choice! This is not a punishment! Ha Ha. 

Graduate school has been so great. I have so enjoyed my new "cohorts" and the "team" we are. I have felt like I am definitely in the right field and I am loving this stage of life. I never knew I would. I wanted babies forever. But this is really great, too. 

I like you, I love you, I don't care who knows it!

I didn't do ANY homework today! I totally needed to but my day went by so fast and it was awesome to not do any. I met my mom and dad with the little kids at McDonald's (my dad and I both had their salad, it is good) because my mom has been very sick and my little kids have missed her. But she is getting better so we met for a quick lunch. Corey took Rhett and Justine on a horseback ride so it was just us.

Kate and Bo fight non-stop. So today dollar store. I had no idea if this plan would be fun or not. I honestly almost thought it was a terrible idea because it would lead to complaining and fighting but I and already told them we were going to play a game so I couldn't undo the plan now. 

I told them we were going to play a little game. I took them to the

I told them they were to pick two things out for each other and two things out for themselves (in case they hated what their sibling got them....I didn't want to hear about it). I thought of all the things that could go wrong. I told them they had to try. Not just pick something stupid. They actually had a great time at the dollar store choosing for each other and themselves. 

When they exchanged gifts it was actually really sweet and they were really sweet about what they received. When they got home Kate told Bo she loved him (he got her a puppy calender!) and he told me that she said that and that it was weird. I told him it wasn't weird and that they were supposed to love each other and that he should tell her. He said, "I like you." I figured that was the best I was going to get. Then he told her "I love you, and I don't care who knows it" And he wasn't even goofing around! bahahahahhaha. I almost died. The plan worked! hahahha. 

A few more camping pictures from the summer. 

I actually like this dog quite a bit. He has mellowed a lot and I no longer live in fear that he is going to bite someone. He constantly heels, though. Even me! I will be walking around talking to the kids and he is biting at me! But he isn't being naughty, I think he is just messed up because he is supposed to be with sheep! But he is pretty happy with us nonetheless. I feel pretty safe having him around because he is very alert. It feels ridiculous at night that we let him sleep on our bed and we can't move our feet because we don't want him to leave. Why do we do that? 

Lots of times Carolyn (Corey's mom) and Dale will come up for dinner in the evening and spend some time with the family. 

Rhett helping his grandma across the log to get back to her car.

These hammocks! Nothing better! I woke up from camping one day at like 8 and then laid in a hammock and read my homework for a few hours and then slept some more for a few hours! They trap you!

Justine was so proud of getting this picture with Rhett and Brody looking right at the camera. Rhett takes good care of Brody. Feeds him every day and Brody gets most excited to see him. If he isn't in our bed he is on or under Rhett's.

mish mash of blogging

I'm in love with the camping hammock. This picture is from the summer but I was so busy and didn't get any blogging done. But I love the hammock. This was the most beautiful day. I get stuck in it and can't get out. Like literally. The hammock holds me hostage. 

This is the right way that we do the hammock. You hold on to a rop tied to a tree and then you can rock and rock yourself by pulling the rope. It's major awesomeness. 

A few months ago I got this huge Mall Cop poster. We love this guy! The kids took it camping and used it for target practice!

I almost had a panicky episode last night and this morning, and for the first time, I thought I needed to quit school, that I COULD. NOT do this. This research thesis paper is soooo hard. I don't know what I am doing. At BYU-I when I didn't know what I was doing I had all of these buddies to help me. Here, all of my buddies have full-time jobs and lives, and I am feeling on my own to figure it out. Time goes by too fast and assignments start getting due quickly. Most of the school hasn't been hard at all. But this class wants to hurt me. I have a gentle kind teacher, but I struggle because I am not so academic and I struggle with memory and sometimes critical thinking. One of my past professors was horrified when I said that, and he said I was great at critical thinking, but I don't feel great. *update* I got the horribly hard assignment done. And my cute buddy who helped me live through statistics is graduated but she said she would help me proof my assignments and  help me. So I feel less panicky. 

I got stitches on my ankle. The dermatologist wanted to cut a little bump off. I was glad. I wanted it off. But now I have this big slit. I also had him burn off this little freckle under my eye. I am not going down gracefully. I am fighting it the whole time! Why do I have such a wrinkly ankle? 

Also....it is so disheartening how being "fat" makes me feel like nothing inside. I keep trying to tell myself that I am not my body. That there are people all over the world who aren't thrilled with their physical appearance and they are not their bodies, and it is what is on the inside that matters, but I am struggling not to feel worthless. It is so painful to have lost weight and then gained weight. I haven't mentioned this a ton because I have messed up so many times, but I haven't been eating desserts. It is going on two months now about. I like it because I am not in bondage to desserts anymore. If someone offers me some, I can easily say no and not think about it ANYMORE. In the past, I would have some and then think about it NONSTOP. I feel free now from it. I need and want to go further. I still eat a lot of things that have sugar. And I still drink diet pop. So I still have work to do. But I have lost about three pounds. That is nothing for two months, but I am going the right direction. I just have to keep going forward. Not eating sweets gives me the power to not binge.

Corey went on his long hunting trip. As in nine days. But he got an elk and had some very pain free lupus days. I LOVE this picture he took. He has some great boots (Kenetrek) from my work on. 

conference, corn and rainbows.

I feel so spoiled at physical therapy. Basically, they jiggle my knee caps and push on parts of it and we talk and talk. This morning I was cracking up at the funny stories the PT was telling me. I enjoy it so much. In social work we talk non-stop about self-care and how super important it is. This is one of my versions of self-care. I have never felt like i wanted a massage. It feels too relaxed to me and I don't do good at that kind of required quietness. I would either laugh or cry the whole time. But jiggling knee caps and pushing hard on my ligaments while being told funny stories and cracking up? I can do that. 

When Rhett gets home and sees that I ate the whole last bag of microwave popcorn, I may be in trouble. 

Yesterday he cracked Corey and I up. I don't know WHAT happened (except I have been sick and working) but we slept in until 11:00 am!!!! We missed a whole hour of conference and didn't even know it! The cool thing was the kids were up and watching it. Rhett had 12 ears of corn picked, shucked, and boiling away for lunch. I asked him "Why didn't you wake us????" He said that he was going to but we looked so "snuggily" he couldn't. I love that kid. 

And I loved when I looked out the window he was picking more corn in shorts and his cowboy boots. Beautiful boy. 

 This is how she watches conference! Just kidding. 

 and the day ended with this beautiful rainbow. It was like a stacked rainbow! And we could see the whole thing. But there was a tree in the middle. 

I love. 

Bo made a cell for his science class. It was a major accomplishment that we had it done a day before it was due. Bo GETS SO stubborn! He wants to do it the way he thinks it is supposed to be done and won't listen but ALSO he gets these HUGE ideas in his head that are hard to make happen. I bought him a paper machae pumpkin to make the cell out of because the foam ball was three times the price. Why are they so expensive!

The toothpicks with the stickers was all his doing. He gets a plan in mind and he does not waver. Also having me cut into the pumpkin instead of just sticking them things on the inside. 

One of the very funnest and creepiest parts of San Francisco is the street performers. They get sooooooo creative. This is NOT a statue! It is a real man who looked like he had covered himself in plastic somehow. Then he would move super slow like he was fake and make this weird squeaky noise. It was like....is this a real live human or what is going on here? Kate! That girl! I always say she is ready t rule the world! She snuck behind him to throw the dollar in his pot so he wouldn't catch her and direct his attention to her. I don't know how she had the nerve to play around with him!