Are you upset little friend?

I am freakishly BUSY! I literally have SIX appointments tomorrow. And they are all important.


I tricked Justine into admitting that she has a tiny bit of resentment towards me for working those two days a week now and leaving her to baby sit. I feel bad about that but I have no great solution to the problem. It has to be the way it is for now. Corey is home often on those times but the little kids are completely trained to rely on her as Corey is often working hard in the yard or getting our fire wood for winter or something. 


I am also very busy getting ready for girls camp. I am so very happy to get to go again. It is a privileged to get to go with my daughter. My official title from the camp leader is the "cruise director". Which translates into...I PLAN ALL THE FUN!!!! That makes me very happy. (OH!!! Guess what! It probably can't MAKE me happy. I just feel happy about it. I almost was caught on that one!!!) I have already spent my budget. I just can't go small. I want the girls to have and do everything that will enhance their camp time. So if I am not blogging this next week it is because I am gone. 


I wanted to give them a quote with some shiny gloss. I found the sweetest quote.


“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you. -Charlie Brown to Snoopy” 


I am going to equate it to how that is how Heavenly Father feels about us. I know it is true because of my recent experience where Heavenly Father has sent me help in my time of need. And now I am learning lots. And I love the tenderness of the quote. And I think Heavenly Father must think that tenderly about us. Because as a mom I feel that way about my chickies. So I think Heavenly Father feels all soft and tender about me. 


That is a realization I am learning through Super Hero. Is that a strange place to have strong reinforcements that Heavenly Father must love me and feel tender about me? In therapy? I don't know. Remember I told you guys I have no answers?


Look at my girls crazy LONG hair!!! Can you even believe it?

On their way to a camping trip...

I bought this freakola mask at a thrift store. The family had great fun with it. This is Corey trying to freak us out....

FREAKY, HUH!!!

Super Duper Thankful and I like glitter.

Eternally grateful for the compassion shown to me by Super Hero Therapist, Kristopher. Can't even be more thankful. There is not one ounce of more thankfulness available inside of me for his kindness. I truly don't know how he does it. I wish you all could have one of him also. If I could smash him and his compassion up, and sprinkle it like glitter amongst all of you, to ease your burdens, and sooth your sorrows, I would. He is that great. And I know all of you deserve one of him as well. I don't know why I was chosen to be so lucky. (BTW, I put the girl's glitter on my face the other day just to be cool... That stuff spreads and sticks!!! I could not get it off! I went in town like a glittery fairy! I liked it. I admit it.)

I am learning from him some important lessons on giving others that same compassion that he shows me. Maybe that is how I will be able to share him. Learn it myself. Actually I think that is part of his plan.

I am defiantly a work in progress. I am still learning. SO MUCH. And he says that is okay. And that I am never going to be perfect and that is okay also.

I think I have grasped the concept of not saying something "makes" me feel a certain way. I have become very aware of it now. And I hear Justine say it a million times a day and now I cringe. So I think it has stuck with me.

Now the other thing he is teaching me feels feels very daunting. But I know I will be able to grasp it with practice as well. There are so many skills to communication that I never appreciated before. I am sure you have all heard of this before...where when someone says something you say..."what I hear you saying is....." and you repeat what you think they said. It prevents miscommunication and it helps the person be heard. So that is what I am working on now. So I might be annoying to talk to. :) Wait...What did you hear me just say to you? Repeat it....Lol.

I have been telling my sons for a long time now....

NO!!!! to video games! Sorry if this is offensive to anyone and I am hoping most of us are on the same page here....but I do not want to raise men who still play video games! (I don't have a problem with once in a while of course)

When my boys ask for video consoles I always say the same thing to them. "No! I want you to play Lego's, draw, create stuff."

Rhett is far to busy (thank you ADHD!) to care about video games but Nathan sure likes them. But I have him also completely sold on Lego's. Be still my soul. My brother and I grew up on Lego's.

My kids are growing up on Lord of the Rings! Every year we have a LOTR marathon over Christmas break.

So when Nathan discovered these sweet gems (below) he was ecstatic.

And it was just what I needed to bribe him into orchestra for another year. I am not opposed to bribery. I call it incentive. Grown ups get work incentives all the time, so how is it different.

It is very important that Nathan continues with orchestra. We have worked so hard to get him to the level he is at and I don't want to lose or waste all the efforts thus far. (Including all the years Justine babysat for free in trade for his lessons!)

However, because he is at a charter school and orchestra is at a public school the schedule this year did not allow him to continue with his previous class. In order to do orchestra again he would have to repeat 7th grade orchestra. It would be all new songs so he would still learn. BUT...it would be all new kids and probably a bit of a hit to his ego. He was nervous. He hasn't had a lost of practice making new friends because he has been with the same charter school friends since 2nd grade.

So he insisted he wasn't going to take orchestra again.

Thank heavens he is an easy incentive taker. And who could pass up these great Lego's!!! I mean...Smeagol with a fish even!!!! Isn't he creepily great!!!???

And Aragorn has stubble even!!! Hilarious. Nathan gets them next month. I was able to get him to go for the middles priced range set. He is a good boy.

Secret Sharing.

Okay, I told one of my friends on Face Book, who was one of my best child hood friends ever, Missy (LOVE YOU), that I would explain how I am controlling my addiction to food. Sometimes I wonder if I have an addiction, or just like it a lot. I don't know.


Anyways, I don't really even know if it is in control or just subsided for now.  I am scared to think that far in the future. All I can think about is how today it isn't controlling me and I am doing well. I am scared I will go back but I am trying to stay positive. I don't feel like I will go back but I also know how easily it happens and you get trapped by food (insert your addiction here...) again.


This is how it happened...and part of it is a truth I have not revealed on cyber world before. But I feel like it is a lie to keep it in. And I don't want anyone to think my life is grander than it is. Which I doubt any of you do who read my blog! LOL!


Firstly, I have tried to watch my calories for about a year. I would fail consistently. I couldn't keep with it. I had it in my head if I went over even 30 calories (my goal was 1500) than I had failed.


I have a friend. She has a tricky brain, she does. We are bit of soul sisters. She told me (and it reminds me so much of the therapy I receive at Super Hero's office) that... bare with me for this mathematical nuttiness for a minute...


IF you times your weight by 11, then that is how many calories you can eat to neither gain nor lose.


SO as long as I came in under those calories....even if it was only by a little...I would cheer for myself and write "YAY" in my food journal. (and I am religious about keeping that food journal.)


So the first month...every night I would track my food and do the math and if I even lost weight by 200 calories (It takes 3500 to lose a pound, YIKES!) I would write "YAY" and celebrate. After about a month of this my determination muscles grew and I was able to eat less and less and lose faster.


But that start, knowing I wasn't failing, even if by only a little, really helped. It was life altering, I think.


The other thing is... I like to track my calories. I ignore the scale. I know mathematically every day how much I have lost (or gained which has happened a few times). It keeps me motivated. It gives me something tangible that minute to feel good about. Where as the scale is a dirty rotten backstabbing little liar and cannot be trusted. It is not your friend. I promise.


It is also true that when you eat healthier you crave healthier. It just takes some time for that ball to start rolling.


At the same time as this new calorie thinking happened I started seeing Super Hero. He validated me. He heard me. He sympathized with me. He told me "that isn't nothing, that is sad." He gave me the gift of empathy. And what a gift that has been.


 He also taught me to make my brain happier. Which I am working on. Sometimes. Unless I feel rebellious.
See here.


And at the same time as that....Kristopher told me.....(this is the secret revealing part) *cough* cough* don't want to say it*...


 "You could maybe benefit from an anti depressant." Didn't want to hear that.  I even rolled my eyes at him which of course his x-ray vision saw and called me on it.


 He asked if he could tell me how it works. I agreed. But I still DIDN'T NEED IT, right? And in his soft gentle manner he told me how it works in your brain.


And that week I went to my doctor and started it. I don't know as though it has rocked my world. All I know is that I am still here coping and between my friend teaching me a gentle version of calorie counting, seeing a therapist who told me "I was okay", and taking an anti depressant, I have been able to quit using food (mostly chocolate) (mostly Reese's peanut butter cups) (I miss you... a little) (But you are not worth it) to sympathize with me and validate me and make me feel okay.


I know several people who are reading this who are thinking, "what took you so long!" (to get on an anti depressant.) Lol.  But I am a pretty happy person. I didn't think I was depressed. I still am not sure. But the weight loss seems to be seems to be a sign that good things are happening within me. And I think the combination of the three things I have listed are the why's.


It is my goal to be off of the anti depressant by the time I am done with therapy. We will see how that goes. I am hoping it is just a tool to get me where I am going and not a life long thing. I have heard bad bad things about anti depressant and I have hear good good things. 


I have ZERO answers. Z.E.R.O. zero.


All I know is that today I am in control of my addiction, have lost 30 pounds, and feel like I can continue on. Being over weight and controlled by food makes you feel trapped. I want to be free..


I am grateful for the chance to be learning new things. I hope I can use my life to serve the Lord. (Even if I like to read the People magazine (instead of church magazines) in my bathroom!) (inside joke, sorry)

Music on Main Rocks!

A few weekend ago we went to visit our cousins. It was nice for Kassidy to get to come with us. She has been working so much and we were happy she was able to join us. (Her sweet boss told us the other day that she was part of their family. They are so kind to her. I love them)

Kassidy and Justine in the car....They spend a few years not being able to stand each other but they are doing pretty good lately. Since I never had a sister I hope they really learn to be friends someday. It has been lonely not having a sister.

Our cousins fed us fed us yummy mongo hamburgers! Those buns were just delightful yumminess.

The cousins have an activity in their town called "music on main" (as in main street) It was a new thing for our kids! They have been so sheltered. There was loud bluesy music and lot of drinking and dancing and drunk dancing. It was a crazy interesting environment. At one point some random boy came over and asked Kassidy for a hug. She was game. Justine starts freaking out next to me...she was sitting on the end...."trade me spots, trade me spots, trade me spots!" So we sandwiched her in between Corey and I so she wouldn't have to worry about any cute random boys asking for hugs. She's so cute.

Rhett and I. Rhett decided to look all somber to tease me...he knows how to mess with me!

Kassidy and Justine

Rashiel and Paigie-pooh

Dancing and concert

Nathan and Dillon

Corey and I (I have officially lost 30 pounds. It scares me to jump to conclusions but it feels so good to not have food controlling me. I hope that doesn't change.)

Cousin Rashiel and Scott. Scott is Corey's first cousin.


I really enjoyed the music and the fresh outside air and hangin' with some friend. I like that kind of chilled out scene.


So...I cut a huge chunk of my finger today with a serrated bread knife. OUCH! I was cutting squash for a lizard we are babysitting and hoping to keep. I love lizards. This guy has the beginnings of metabolic bone disease. I am hoping to get that reversed through proper lighting. I will show you a picture later. We have named him Santiago. He is prehistoric looking and just so creepy cool! At night he actually lays his little (big) head down and goes to sleep. It's almost like I need to cover him up with a blanky and tuck him in. He's so cute. One night we left his lights on too late and the poor guy could barely keep his eyes open. Big baby. We can't wait to get him in his bigger cage tomorrow. He needs it for sure!

I have been really conscience of my "things making me mad" thinking. I think I might have finally grasped the idea. I hope it was worth the effort because I am not really sure how that concept will change my life but I trust Kristopher and his brain changing philosophies, so I am going with it.


The boot store is going fine. I actually ordered a pair of hiking boots because I can get myself killer deals. They will last me the entirety of my life since I only hike... uh...never. But I have to hike at girls camp and since I have not had new shoes for almost five years I got a pair. That is one of my goals since I can get a discount, to get the different kind of shoes I haven't had for a bit. Like snow boots!


 Anyways, I worked with Gus last. He is 26. He has a wife and cute little twins. He made me very happy by saying he though we were the same age because I don't look 40. THANK YOU GUS!!! He asked me what  I like to do for fun in my free time. I felt like the most pathetic person alive when I barely could answer him! I had to finally say blog!


 Free time???? What is that! But I thought it was nice that someone cared about that.


Alrighty...bye!

I found this picture and about died.

Not even one year ago this is the cuteness of Kate's long flowing hair... I desperately loved her long hair with no bangs. She can't wear bangs becasue she has a wicked cowlick right in the FRONT.

Becasue she cut her hair 500 different times she had to go short.

Walking the walk of shame.

My friend Dawn doing her best. We just had to go short and start over. :(

Today I was talking to a friend and I said those "words"... you know....the ones about something MAKING me mad. I FREAKED out and we laughed (she had read my previous blog post) and we worked on what I could say that was different to express myself. Like she suggested, "I feel frustrated when...." Does that work you think? I seriously have NO IDEA how to talk without saying things like that. I really really need to practice!

Then I went home and Justine was saying how mad the little kids had made her. So being a proper mother I just had to give her a mini lecture but she is not as good of a patient as me. She refused to embrace the theory. Maybe after I become a better example. I noticed I was saying it to the little kids yesterday also. I decided that was probably hurtful to them as well. To hear me blame my out of control feelings on them. Ugh! You'd think I'd have some of these skills mastered by now!

I got in trouble. :(

Super Hero Kristopher got really stern with me yesterday in my therapy session. It teeny tiny bit hurt my feelings but also not really because I know he is trying to teach me.


He told me "STOP IT... STOP IT!"


He told me he would rather I just told him where to go than to ever again repeat "such and such made me mad!". Where to go as in... H. E. double hockey sticks. Only he said it way worse than that. He chooses strong words to prove points. Sometimes I have him convinced he doesn't need to use strong words with me. That I understand without them. But this time he used strong words. I actually like it because I understand why he is doing it. Dr. Laura Schlesinger use to do that. She would also say strong words to have a greater affect. It works.


But he used his strong words that he'd rather have me say to him, than to ever hear me say that something or someone has the power to make me feel anything. 


I am sharing this because it is a truth.


Remember Man's Search for Meaning? About people being able to find happiness in horrible circumstances? We have the power within our brain to do that also. Isn't that awesome? We control our brain. And our thoughts. And no one can make us feel anything. I committed to master this principle.


He told me to stop being a victim. Because when we say... "Such and such MADE me mad!" we are putting ourselves in a victim role. Isn't that interesting?