Secret Sharing.

Okay, I told one of my friends on Face Book, who was one of my best child hood friends ever, Missy (LOVE YOU), that I would explain how I am controlling my addiction to food. Sometimes I wonder if I have an addiction, or just like it a lot. I don't know.


Anyways, I don't really even know if it is in control or just subsided for now.  I am scared to think that far in the future. All I can think about is how today it isn't controlling me and I am doing well. I am scared I will go back but I am trying to stay positive. I don't feel like I will go back but I also know how easily it happens and you get trapped by food (insert your addiction here...) again.


This is how it happened...and part of it is a truth I have not revealed on cyber world before. But I feel like it is a lie to keep it in. And I don't want anyone to think my life is grander than it is. Which I doubt any of you do who read my blog! LOL!


Firstly, I have tried to watch my calories for about a year. I would fail consistently. I couldn't keep with it. I had it in my head if I went over even 30 calories (my goal was 1500) than I had failed.


I have a friend. She has a tricky brain, she does. We are bit of soul sisters. She told me (and it reminds me so much of the therapy I receive at Super Hero's office) that... bare with me for this mathematical nuttiness for a minute...


IF you times your weight by 11, then that is how many calories you can eat to neither gain nor lose.


SO as long as I came in under those calories....even if it was only by a little...I would cheer for myself and write "YAY" in my food journal. (and I am religious about keeping that food journal.)


So the first month...every night I would track my food and do the math and if I even lost weight by 200 calories (It takes 3500 to lose a pound, YIKES!) I would write "YAY" and celebrate. After about a month of this my determination muscles grew and I was able to eat less and less and lose faster.


But that start, knowing I wasn't failing, even if by only a little, really helped. It was life altering, I think.


The other thing is... I like to track my calories. I ignore the scale. I know mathematically every day how much I have lost (or gained which has happened a few times). It keeps me motivated. It gives me something tangible that minute to feel good about. Where as the scale is a dirty rotten backstabbing little liar and cannot be trusted. It is not your friend. I promise.


It is also true that when you eat healthier you crave healthier. It just takes some time for that ball to start rolling.


At the same time as this new calorie thinking happened I started seeing Super Hero. He validated me. He heard me. He sympathized with me. He told me "that isn't nothing, that is sad." He gave me the gift of empathy. And what a gift that has been.


 He also taught me to make my brain happier. Which I am working on. Sometimes. Unless I feel rebellious.
See here.


And at the same time as that....Kristopher told me.....(this is the secret revealing part) *cough* cough* don't want to say it*...


 "You could maybe benefit from an anti depressant." Didn't want to hear that.  I even rolled my eyes at him which of course his x-ray vision saw and called me on it.


 He asked if he could tell me how it works. I agreed. But I still DIDN'T NEED IT, right? And in his soft gentle manner he told me how it works in your brain.


And that week I went to my doctor and started it. I don't know as though it has rocked my world. All I know is that I am still here coping and between my friend teaching me a gentle version of calorie counting, seeing a therapist who told me "I was okay", and taking an anti depressant, I have been able to quit using food (mostly chocolate) (mostly Reese's peanut butter cups) (I miss you... a little) (But you are not worth it) to sympathize with me and validate me and make me feel okay.


I know several people who are reading this who are thinking, "what took you so long!" (to get on an anti depressant.) Lol.  But I am a pretty happy person. I didn't think I was depressed. I still am not sure. But the weight loss seems to be seems to be a sign that good things are happening within me. And I think the combination of the three things I have listed are the why's.


It is my goal to be off of the anti depressant by the time I am done with therapy. We will see how that goes. I am hoping it is just a tool to get me where I am going and not a life long thing. I have heard bad bad things about anti depressant and I have hear good good things. 


I have ZERO answers. Z.E.R.O. zero.


All I know is that today I am in control of my addiction, have lost 30 pounds, and feel like I can continue on. Being over weight and controlled by food makes you feel trapped. I want to be free..


I am grateful for the chance to be learning new things. I hope I can use my life to serve the Lord. (Even if I like to read the People magazine (instead of church magazines) in my bathroom!) (inside joke, sorry)