Just a thinkin'

I was ALWAYS GOING TO ADOPT. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. I JUST WAS.

And I was going to adopt children living in third world countries in orphanages. I remember crying in front of Corey and my mom when we were engaged and there was a TV special on about suffering children in the world and I said then... I was going to adopt and save children. I just was going to.

SO when I see wonderful blogs like this or this or hear about a high school classmate that adopted from Ethiopia, I feel sad and like I have missed my mark.

But how can I feel that way when my life is so blessed and full of children? And in my religion we do believe bringing spirits into the world is an important work.... so..... I don't necessarily wish I'd done things differently. I just think I have a dream that maybe won't come true. Or maybe my marked changed a bit. Or maybe I just couldn't do it "all". But I desired too. Does that count for anything? My compassion for parentless children all over the world runs deep and leaves me restless.

After having these six children I am not sure there is much left of me to save other children right now. I sort of feel like I need to save the ones I've got. I also didn't marry a man who has any desire to adopt. And I don't judge that really. I'm not mad at him about it. It just is. I'm not sure I could do it if he wanted to, although I believe I could be made equal to the task if I was meant to.

I have been following this blog lately. About a very prayerful girl who was on a path to a big house with her small family and "things", when she says God called her to a different life and she and her husband listened. And have now adopted 2 children form a "jail" in Africa. They have started a foundation to help save the other children left behind

I want to do that. And while reading her blog I feel sort of sad that my saving children through adoption likely won't happen. And it has left me wondering, if I cannot adopt....what should I do to settle the restlessness inside me. How can I still help? Where do I focus my attention, and what is my "call" from God. You know...aside from the one I already am doing...

It has also made me realize a few other things I'm not thrilled with. I consider myself a very religious person. But I am not spending my time searching in prayer and scripture what I should be doing with my life. I am just living it. I pray as I go always but do I search? I think I have been doing things right and I think I have been led many times to make appropriate choices for my children but honestly I don't take it as serious as I should.

So while I have been down I have been thinking... the kids are getting older and I want to make sure that any free time I have is not wasted watching reality shows (love them though I may) and now that I am "barren", (although my sweet friend, Kathleen, left this comment on my blog that made me think, as women we don't have to be barren! Our love can make us otherwise.... "My dear friend, you may not be having more babies but you will never be "barren". You have way too much love, faith and good humor to be "unfruitful"! " Don't you love that!!!!!) and knowing we probably won't adopt I am left wondering what big thing can I do to "save the world" . I'll let you know when I figure it out. Maybe we can work together. I do have a few short term plans you can help me with which I'll blog about soon.

I wanted to share this post with you. This is the girl I was referring to who was on a plan to a big house, etc. when God called her to a different plan... I have really enjoyed her thoughts. She is in the process of sharing some things she has learned that help her with parenting. This partial list below (that came from a blog she referenced) is the first one she shared and the rest of the things to help with parenting she is sharing day by day if you care to tune in to her blog. Inspiring. I am posting, for my "journal", the parts of the list that touch me. Link over to see the full list.

Ann Voskamp's 10 Points of Joyful Parenting (Minus the few I didn't add because I they didn't "call" to me)

1. Today, I will make our home a house of prayer. I will pray at set times. And I will invite our children to come move into an interior space that lives with God.

4. Today, when stress mounts, I pray to dismount it with gratitude. My stress management plan will be intervention with verbal thanks. I can only feel one feeling at a time, and I choose to give thanks at all times. Fight feeling with feeling!

5. Today, I will pray to speak words that are only STRONG words, words that make these children feel strong. Grace words. Grace is the only non-toxic air. All other words I breathe are death words.

7. Today, the moment when I am most repelled by a child’s behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child.

8. Today, I will hug each of my children as many times as I serve them meals — because children’s hearts feed on touch. I’ll look for as many opportunities to touch my children today as possible — the taller they are, the more so.

9. Today, my priorities will be all Things Unseen.

10. Today, I will laugh! And I will let the little children laugh! I will create a culture of JOY!

On the original list some of the items on the list were high lighted in blue and it went to other places in her blog that went deeper into that thought. I checked out two and they were beautiful.

So much to learn. I am so behind in so many ways. But learning is part of the journey so I hope to can continue.