Just mom stuff!

As my girls are growing older I am finding my self wondering...have I loved my girls enough? Have I enjoyed them enough? Have I embraced the privilege it is to mother daughters....enough?


I don't know. EVERYONE who has raised children ALWAYS says to embrace it and enjoy it because it will be gone too soon I want to do that. I have tried to do that. But still...it has slipped through my fingers.


Hurts to think about those things because my girls are soon to be leaving my little nest. And I have spent many a day so crazily busy trying to get through all the little kids and their challenges.... that I haven't been able to devote or embrace those older girls the way I wish I could have.



I have a friend who has one child. And they love that little girlie like you have never seen a little girlie loved before. And she doesn't seem spoiled. It isn't like that. She just is shiny from so much love that is poured into her. And I want to take my girls and show her their girl and her shinyness and tell them..this is how much I love you. See how shiny and loved she is? That is how loved and shiny I want you to feel. See how she is just gifted with love from her parents? That is how I feel about you.

And I want to shake them a tiny bit and somehow show them how much I love them. But because they have had siblings and the craziness that come with raising a large family, they have been subdivided and sort of had to share that shinyness. Or maybe I just haven't been able to give them more then just a glisten. Maybe it's just me. But I want them to see how bright and shiny I really do feel about them. (disclaimer: this does not mean I don't still love large families. It just means there are things about small families that are lovely also. But the large family thing....I just want to eat it for lunch....I love it so much.)



The other day was Kassidy's 17 birthday! What in the world? That just kills me. My friend made the cake for me because I was stressed and weary from surgery. I have the most dearest friends ever. I could have bought a cake. But the kid's special cakes mean so much to me and I really wanted her to have a popcorn bucket cake.


When we were ready to cut it I asked her if she understood why I gave her a pop corn bucket cake. And she sarcastically, but cutely, replied..."No, I would have no idea why you want me to have a popcorn bucket cake." (She works at the movie theatre) My heart was bursting with pride and laughter. She was sarcastic!!!! She did it! I loved it. For a long time this girl could neither give nor take sarcasm. She just didn't get it. It would always hurt her feelings. I am not an enjoyer of sarcasm anyways but it was just good to see her dishing it out a bit. Love her!


My baby on her SEVENTEENTH birthday! Me...*falls over dead*
(Thanks to Kirsten....my cake making buddy!)


Tonight the girls in our church group cooked us girls camp leaders dinner as a thank you. Sweet girls I tell you! One of them even Face Booked me to see how I was after my surgery. Little sweetie.

Anyway, I was sitting eating with my friends and I saw Justine talking with her friends. A very old family dog came up to her. Justine loves dogs. She wants a job working with dogs. She stopped talking to her friends for a minute and scratched that old dog on his head and around his little ear with her cute little fingers. She talked to him a bit and then he went on his way and she looked back at her friends with her hand under her chin. She just looked so bright and beautiful, just chatting with her friends and loving on an old dog in her simple, natural way. Wish I could embed that vision in my mind forever. Love her!

She and Kassidy go to early morning seminary. And I mean EARLY. She has to be there at 6:00am. Although my mom reminded me that I use to go at 5:30am. And my mom would have to drive me and she would walk the church while I was in seminary. AT 5:30am IN THE MORNING. Only now do I even appreciate that.

I told Justine on her seminary days I would feed and water her rabbits. Justine was so nice. She didn't want to accept me doing it because it would burden me. Sweet. I convinced her it was a gift I'd like to give her. Love!

I have a lot of friend who don't like Oprah. But I do. I have always liked her. And maybe there is some secret reason I shouldn't like her but I don't know it. Or I can't remember what my friends told me anymore and I still like her. Or maybe I am too shallow to understand the depths of what is wrong with her. So I still like her.

Anyway, today she had on past shows and she had a lady named Tony Morrison on. And she talked a lot about this... "When a kid walks in the room...does your face light up?" And then Oprah said that everyone is always looking and wondering "Do you see me?". Ugh! Breaks my heart that people in the world feel unseen.

Somewhere I must have heard this "does your face light up" when I had babies. Because I do remember always before I would go to get them out of their crib ....even though I was wishing they were still asleep....I would put on this huge happy face and act like I was just so thrilled they were awake. I think I still do that now when I see my kids.... I think I act all happy and tell them I missed you! Even if I had just been relaxing and eating bon bons....(okay...I have never even had a bon bon)

Whew! Parenting is SUCH a responsibility!!!