We talked about addiction. We talked a lot about talking to yourself and getting yourself mentally tough. He said when I see hurt I run. Yes. Of course I do. I don't want to have hurt. I also told him it was about anxiety.
Anxiety might just be one of the worst feelings in the world. I think I had this bloggersation (like conversation) once before. And my friend said....shark bites hurt worse than anxiety. Couldn't argue about that. Lol.
But anxiety feels TERRIBLE. And I will run from it like the plague. I will do ANYTHING to calm anxiety. Kristopher wants me to lean into pain. To figure out what the good news is in painful things. Where the opportunity is. Like even in Corey having Lupus. Although he didn't have any examples of what that might be. That is for me to figure out as I look for the good news in it.
And he wants me to get mentally tough. And to talk to myself and not to succumb to addiction of eating or self soothing in unhealthy ways. Which I do in ways besides eating.
And he said there is happiness in looking at things rationally.
And he talked more about being mentally tough.
So today I went to the ear nose and throat Dr. for my voice issue. My normal Dr. told me to wait two weeks and then go. So I did. I like this Dr. He took out Rhett's tonsils and did one of the boy's (Bo ?) tear ducts.
He said to really know what was going on.....he could put a tube down my nose and it has a camera that would shine into my throat. But he said most people don't choose that route so he could just put me on some medicine for heart burn for two weeks and see if that works.
I said "what would you like to do?" And he looked at me knowingly. Of course he wants to shove a camera up my nose and into my throat.
I told him to go for it. I might as well do what was going to give me the answer right then. Instead of messing around "trying" to figure it out with meds. And I thought about Kristopher telling me to lean into the hard things. And I knew my friend had this done and if he could handle it, I could. The Dr. said it would hurt a little but not bad enough to make me cry (I asked that exact question).
So he SPRAYED massive gross amount of Lidocaine up my nose to numb me. And he stuck the camera in. It did hurt a tiny bit. But the hard part was over quick and then I looked at the computer to see what he was seeing. (And I felt so brave and strong for doing it, honest. I felt proud).
A totally great looking vocal chord!!!! No throat cancer!
The nurse was so kind to humor me and took a picture for me. But I have been advised not to post it. Boring.
So basically it is a tiny bit swollen but shows no reason why I would have this crazy voice.
SOOOO
VOICE REST FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!!
What in the world???? There is no way.
And then after that if it doesn't go away heart burn medicine for a few weeks. And then if it doesn't go away a Dr. in Utah.
And it could even be just in my head!!!! HAHA.
My friend did tell me it was my subconscious making me lose my voice because of Kassidy moving out and I have lost my voice with her. Or may be it is because I am cutting back on therapy so now I wont be "heard".
Lol. Crazy!
Becci sent me this text today.
CRACKED ME THE HECK UP.
"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity." Edgar Allen Poe.
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