I am addicted to York Peppermint Patties. So minty and fresh!

I feel like a GIGANTIC failure. I really thought I had my eating under control. I really thought I'd NEVER go back to my old ways. But here I am. Going back to my old addictive ways. Feeling unable to stop. Terrified. 

We see people all the time lose weight. Are we ever surprised when they gain it back? Not really.So why did I think I was going to be different. I don't know. But I really thought I had it under control.

I am sad because I cannot tell you how GOOD I felt about myself being smaller. And feeling better about myself. Feeling "normal". Getting to wear "normal" clothes.

FOR ME....being fat really honestly hurt like no one knew....It was awful when I was sitting anywhere and I would squish out the sides of the chair and I could never cross my legs. Or I couldn't always put a seat belt on in the car. It would hurt when I was invisible to men. I'm sorry if that is inappropriate somehow. But men weren't especially nice to me being fat. They hold the door for me now and are nicer to me. And being fat meant I was miserable in my own skin. Miserable within my own soul. Miserable. I don't want to go back there. 

I am definitely struggling with food. It is AMAZING how quickly those horrible addictions come back. I learned in Biology a bit about why people do drugs or other things (food) that cause dopa-mine to go off in your brain and pretty soon your brain needs more and more of that to feel "good". 

And the good news is once you abstain then your receptors go back to normal.

The bad news is....when you feed your addiction the cycle begins again.

When I first "gave up" bingeing and using food I remember being sad sad sad. And I remember feeling like there was NO. JOY. in the world. 

And I have six sweetie pie children. But I felt like there was NO. JOY. in the world. 

Absolutely ridiculous. But it was true. I felt like what was there to live for if I couldn't indulge in food. 

Now, because of biology class, I learned that is actually normal. Because my receptors (in the pleasure center part of my brain) got out of whack from so much indulgence that when I am not indulging, or using, or doing my "drug", that it takes time for those receptors to go back to not needing so much "goodness" to feel good.

Does that make sense? 

So I am back to square one of...my life has become unmanageable. And even one is too much because it leads to a binge. And because a million is too many and one is never enough.

And I have to live my life stricter and remember that I am an addcit. And it doesn't matter if you believe in food addiction or not.

Because I do. And I am. 

And I am going to fight. I am going to wake up every dang day fighting.

I am not going to do that to myself again. I just can't go to that place again. Food isn't worth it. But the receptors in my brain will fight me. So I just have to remember that and fight back. And be a little uncomfortable. 

And I really really really believe what Kristopher tells me. And he says you have to tell yourself "I don't like it, that's okay. I can stand it anyway." 

I know it is super cheesy. But it is super super effective. So I will be reciting that over and over and over. and over. And fight to be unaddicted.

Kristopher and I had a session last week. Sometimes in sessions when I start to feel sorry for myself or I am unhappy about challenges, or I want thing sto be going my way, Kristopher has told me I was a victim. It infuriates me.

Wouldn't it be much cozier if he would just coddle me? Yeah. He doesn't. He'd be enraged if I even suggested it. It might make one wonder why I keep going back when he is infuriating me. 

I trust him. I find peace within his counsel. And I have learned that he is right. 

I recently had the opportunity to see someone else playing "victim" and liking it. It was gross, honestly. 

And when Kristopher and I discussed it he sat all smug in his chair and was quite amused that all of a sudden I was annoyed by the victim instead of wanting to play it. 

I told him "You're pretty proud of yourself over there"

And he said "Yes, actually I am about this." And he gloated!

He has been trying to pull me out of being in the victim role for session after session. I get it now.

I told him how also this week (bread crumbs leading me from Heavenly Father) that I saw on a talk show a girl who was raped. And she said that she was in the victim role and she really liked it. People doted on her, "fed" her, helped her, surrounded her, etc. (And we need some of that sometimes) but then she realized it wasn't good anymore. And she had to force herself out of that position that was so comfortable and "easy".

He told me he was proud of me and he knew I would get it. It took a while! 

But guess what...by the end of the session I said "I just feel jipped because blah blah blah..." and he instantly, without missing a beat, calmly said.... "you're being a victim." 

I shut up and smiled! He was RIGHT! It is so easy to fall back into that role.

He said that I knew about his history and the way he had to figure out the good in the challenges he had. And that is what I need to keep doing as well. Because the challenges come no matter who you are. And God is teaching you and molding you all throughout those challenges. And feeling like a victim certainly isn't that productive! And feeling like a victim actually stops you from learning and CREATING from the trial.

And being an addict to get through them certainly is missing the picture as well!

So I keep on fighting and being thankful for the lessons that are coming in all sorts of forms.

And here is a little lesson for Corey. But he doesn't believe me. But google said....Border Collies are DESTRUCTIVE when they are bored (remember I didn't want this breed. Although I do love Brody).

He is EATING the hot tub lid...you know, in his spare time.