I'm mostly whining this whole post. Just warning you.

SCHOOL IS SO HARD RIGHT NOW!

Like hard enough I am getting heart anxiety when I think about it. I keep avoiding it by playing on pinterest....then a little homework.....Facebook....a little homework.......blog reading.......a little home work......blogging.....

and here I am. I am working on some essay that I have NEVER even heard of how to write before.

I am also trying to memorize all the bones.

Like 206. And they aren't normal names normal people have ever heard of. They are names like

Hyoid,

Occipital  (spell check doesn't even recognize it!!!!!!)

Parietal

 And also I have to memorize the muscles and their functions.

I AM STRESSED.

I have a friend getting his doctorate. He was so kind to take some time with me and teach me how to do this paper. It relieved so much stress because I was completely doing it wrong. Thank goodness for nice friends and their wives for loaning them to me.

Corey has been in enormous pain. We found out our insurance won't pay for acupuncture (someone suggested it) but will pay for 20 massages a year. So that will maybe give him some relief. The Drs. we are seeing are FRUSTRATING. (Stupid things like not calling in meds and not remembering appointments.) But we don't have many choices. The other choice has a SIX MONTH waiting list. We are very very discouraged.

My voice is STILL messed up! What in the world! Next week I have a barium swallow (throat x-ray) and then the month after that I go to Utah to see a laryngitis and a speech therapist. Unless it goes away magically. SO WEIRD.

This is what I think it is.... (except that I think my swallow has changed and I don't know how that would be psychological.)

Psychological - voice changes are not uncommon when people are under stress either at work or at home. The voice may be lost suddenly, usually overnight or following a cold. It is important to identify and remove the underlying stress. 

Because of school I haven't been working quite as much. That is nice but also causes it's own financial stress. 

Today my boss called me. He told me he just wanted to say that it has been weird that I haven't been working as much and that they have missed me and that I do a good job and that even though sometimes he is grumpy (which he isn't) that he appreciates me. HOLY COW. It was so sweet. I have thought about that and felt good several times tonight. Oh...and Newell said I looked 34. :)

alright, back to pinterest....er.....my essay.

this and that. again.

My darling girl got accepted to college. Yay!

Wait. I mean blah blah blah.

I am super annoyed I am getting so old. TWO kids in college? That is unfathomable. But super happy for her to have an adventure. It is going to maybe do Kate in though. It will be a very hard adjustment for her.

She is almost too old for her young women's group at church. We had a cute program the other night for it (New Beginnings). It was all football themed and we had to wear jerseys. She borrowed Nathan's and I borrowed Rhett's (I smelled like twelve year old boy, thank you very much!). I will almost be done going to all their church stuff soon. Until Kate turns twelve. So weird!

Have I said how much I love being their mom? But that doesn't mean I haven't wanted to run away a million times as well. Being the mom is HARD. I read this really sweet blog today about "The Ache". Check it out. It perfectly describes me. And here is another GREAT one that cracked me up but it had good stuff to it. One of the cute young boys in my biology class want to be marriage counselors. It is so sweet and cute. He isn't married. I am actually sure that once he is trained etc. he will do just fine. But it amuses me the naivety of it. He should read this article. I think it is pretty darn profound. One thing I am learning, these young people (the ones I see in my college classes) have INCREDIBLE capabilities. They have it in them to CHANGE the world. They are smart and even wise in ways. I believe in them.

So yesterday Kate had a basketball game. It is still hilarious. Most of the kids still aren't quit sure what is going on. So the opposing team mate and Kate were standing right next to each other. The little kid dropped the ball. Kate was so sweet. She picked it up and handed it back to him. She told me it was his ball and he dropped it. Sweet girl!

My boss went on a work trip with his boss and other boot store owners. He went to the Cayman Islands for like ten days! I teased him he had to bring us presents. He is so GOOD to us as employees. He gave us each twenty bucks for lunch and he brought me these!!!!!!!!!! He didn't even know i collected them either. I love them.

I am still having weak voice problems. And then I realized it is also s bit of a swallowing liquid problem. The Dr. put me on a heart burn medicine. I don't think I even have heart burn. But he says sometimes people don't think they have it but they do and they have burned the esophagus. I don't think that is is. But I am going with it. He then says I have to go to go have a barium swallow done and then to Utah for specialized tests if none of those other things work.

WHATEVER!!!!!

Did you know that word got decided upon that it was the most annoying word ever????

I don't care. I love it.

Okay...so I took my first test in Biology. I was SOOOOOOO stressed out over it. I worked and worked. My brain literally COULD NOT learn anymore. There was no point even studying too much that last day. I couldn't learn anything else. 

I got a B. 

Do you not know if you should congratulate or console me????

I THINK IT IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am thrilled and encouraged that I can do it!

Why I won't talk to you for two weeks.

 Today I saw Kristopher.

We talked about addiction. We talked a lot about talking to yourself and getting yourself mentally tough. He said when I see hurt I run. Yes. Of course I do. I don't want to have hurt. I also told him it was about anxiety.

Anxiety might just be one of the worst feelings in the world. I think I had this bloggersation (like conversation) once before. And my friend said....shark bites hurt worse than anxiety. Couldn't argue about that. Lol.

But anxiety feels TERRIBLE. And I will run from it like the plague. I will do ANYTHING to calm anxiety. Kristopher wants me to lean into pain. To figure out what the good news is in painful things. Where the opportunity is. Like even in Corey having Lupus. Although he didn't have any examples of what that might be. That is for me to figure out as I look for the good news in it.

And he wants me to get mentally tough. And to talk to myself and not to succumb to addiction of eating or self soothing in unhealthy ways. Which I do in ways besides eating.

And he said there is happiness in looking at things rationally.

And he talked more about being mentally tough.

So today I went to the ear nose and throat Dr. for my voice issue. My normal Dr. told me to wait two weeks and then go. So I did. I like this Dr. He took out Rhett's tonsils and did one of the boy's (Bo ?) tear ducts.

He said to really know what was going on.....he could put a tube down my nose and it has a camera that would shine into my throat. But he said most people don't choose that route so he could just put me on some medicine for heart burn for two weeks and see if that works.

I said "what would you like to do?" And he looked at me knowingly. Of course he wants to shove a camera up my nose and into my throat.

I told him to go for it. I might as well do what was going to give me the answer right then. Instead of messing around "trying" to figure it out with meds. And I thought about Kristopher telling me to lean into the hard things. And I knew my friend had this done and if he could handle it, I could. The Dr. said it would hurt a little but not bad enough to make me cry (I asked that exact question).

So he SPRAYED massive gross amount of Lidocaine up my nose to numb me. And he stuck the camera in. It did hurt a tiny bit. But the hard part was over quick and then I looked at the computer to see what he was seeing. (And I felt so brave and strong for doing it, honest. I felt proud).

A totally great looking vocal chord!!!! No throat cancer!

The nurse was so kind to humor me and took a picture for me. But I have been advised not to post it. Boring.

So basically it is a tiny bit swollen but shows no reason why I would have this crazy voice.

SOOOO

VOICE REST FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!!

What in the world???? There is no way.

And then after that if it doesn't go away heart burn medicine for a few weeks. And then if it doesn't go away a Dr. in Utah.

And it could even be just in my head!!!! HAHA.

My friend did tell me it was my subconscious making me lose my voice because of Kassidy moving out and I have lost my voice with her. Or may be it is because I am cutting back on therapy so now I wont be "heard".

Lol. Crazy!

Becci sent me this text today.

CRACKED ME THE HECK UP.

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity." Edgar Allen Poe.

I am an emotional wimp right now.

I stated having some real life anxiety yesterday.

Having Kassidy gone and then come home for a "visit"...having to knock on the door of her apartment to see MY OWN KID.....Not being responsible anymore over her school work or her schedule or how much time she spends on the computer.

Having all the bedrooms changed....making a new chore chart with only FIVE kids on it instead of six....

Going back to school and contemplating a possible career...

Corey being in real physical pain...that isn't going away. Although we have received a phone call from a sweet person with Lupus who gave us some home.That was so nice.

Realizing Justine will be also gone in 8 months....Justine. That's two children gone. For good. Things never are the same again.

It's too too much. I know the whole rest of the world has gone through this exact thing with children growing up and leaving home and family changing and becoming empty nesters and all of that. I know it has bee done before and will continue to be done for a long time.

But it is the first time it has happened to me.

And I know I have been whining about needing peace and quiet for a million years and I am still glad it is coming my direction. So I know I should just accept this and go with the flow. I know I should say I don't like it I can stand it.

But this BREAKS my heart. I don't want to lose both my girls/friends all in one year. I just don't. Girls...and I could be wrong...have just got to be harder to say goodbye to than boys.  The girls are my friends. They are my helpers. They are my team mates.

I don't want the family dynamics to be changed forever. I don't want to miss hearing every day about the funny cute things that happen. I don't want to have this chapter of my life close.

I'm just traumatized a tiny bit. I have a little bit of anxiety over TOO many changes at one. TOO many. Just for reals...life can be scary. Your heart can get broken.

And my face is getting old also.

Too many big changes.

I thought Kassidy was pretty sweet. She left this note on Nathan's white board. Which use to be her white board. She was a very good sport coming home and seeing Nathan's (her's) new room all changed. I liked the end of the note because she is trying to sound all hobbitish. She is sleeping east of his room now, that's why she said that.

My poor little Kate.

 She has been so sick. Up all night again. Fever. I took her to the Dr. and she had strep. Fortunately once you get the medicine for that you feel better fast. When Kate threw up last night  (because of coughing) Justine was like "great! Now I can't sleep facing away from her!"

Why? Because Kate has vomited in her hair before. SO when Kate is sick, Justine is on guard. Sort of sad.

I signed Kate up for Basket Ball. Not because I want her to be a super start. Because she is BORED. She isn't necessarily loving it. I'm super surprised. It sure is funny to watch though. None of the kids really know what they are doing.

Kate put up her hands, that is the coach on the opposite team she must be listening to...

Her coach is Jared. He is a sweet person. Here is Kate throwing the ball in. That is her favorite job!

And the best one???? Kate decided to get a drink....RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME! LOL.

Kassidy seems to have the college thing all figured out! She is doing well minus the fact that she would sure like to make some bosom buddies to hang out with. This is her (isn't she pretty?) by her very own food cupboard. Breaks my heart that her food is not by my food! How is my kid not living in my home! It is weird, yet normal all at the same time. I love that I get to see her when I am up there.

Today I spent probably a half an hour doing the utmost important thing for a 8 year old. Staring at Pokemon cards. Explaining all the different package contents and prices. Over and over. It really took too long. But he was very happy.

Rhett has his BFF in a jujitsu hold.

This dog LOVES this boy. It's crazy.

I still have a messed up voice. I have been putting clove oil on Corey's feet for his Lupas. It is apparently an anti inflammatory. And Biology is still hard. And my teacher is still awesome. And I still hate blue M&M's. And they still put the most blues in packages.

I am going to be an art major.

I HAVE SO MUCH WORK IN BIOLOGY!!!

LIKE SO SO MUCH WORK.

I have helped my children make FOUR cells models. And never once paid an ounce of attention to what one was or what it meant. That's a little embarrassing.

I have ZERO recollection of learning ANY of this in high school. It is as if I am learning Chinese.

Me and my lab partner today made this cell. I LEARNED a lot despite the silly project. My partner is a boy and he is just such a sweet and patient kid. Several people had to look at our cell and ask if we were art majors, lol.

Cause it's dang good, that's why!

So I am studying Biology and memorizing and trying to comprehend and I already have an appointment with the tutor. And I already have scored low on two quizzes. BECAUSE...it involves memorization. And my memory stinks! And the class is going so fast that I barely have time to memorize the stuff before we are moving on the the next "stuff". But...

I. AM. LOVING. IT.

I wish I would get graded for my level of LOVING. IT.

It is fascinating. It is all new news to me. I didn't even know any of these things before about cells and... just everything! But I really don't think my brain can keep up. It is just too much to remember. Remembering stuff isn't always my strong point any how. But remembering all this new "Chinese" plus the stuff I maybe should have already known, like what is Matter, I don't know if I can keep up. I feel really bad about it. And I am not giving up or quitting. I am just putting it out there...this class is A. LOT. Plus I have two other classes as well. It just sort of hurts my self esteem that other people can achieve A's and for some reason, despite my super hard work, I am doubtful I can.

Not to mention last night Kate was up all night. She woke up screaming with a sore throat. To save poor Justine who has to share a room with her, I put Kate on the couch to watch TV. I medicated her and gave her something to throw up in. From then on she wanted a sandwich. She wanted me to cut the crust off. (I totally made her make her own sandwich and I cut ZERO crusts off) She wanted soup. She wanted hot chocolate. The dog was bugging her, the movie was over....ON and ON. And I had a 7:30 lab. And poor Corey was up in pain as well. My heart hurts for him. And so I am tired.

I found Kate like this when I got up to go to my lab.

Busted me up!!!!

Also the cutest thing was when I looked at Bo's homework this morning. He got a little passionate towards the end. So funny.

 

Bo was also very excited over the amount of sprinkles on this cookie. He made me take a picture. They could almost pass for Ribosomes....never mind.

I have a problem with my voice. I have no reason for this problem except for sometimes I get it occasionally and that Google says is due to stress. Occasionally my throat will have a lump and it will constrict a little. I get it occasionally for a few weeks and then it goes away. Well, now my voice is totally affected. And I have no idea why unless it is related to that somehow. So I have  an appointment to figure it out. Blah.

did you know they really sell SILVER paint??? Thank you, Martha!

The day after Kassidy moved out...

We repainted her room for Nathan. We didn't waste an ounce of time because he was dying to get into it and I knew I would be swamped once i started school.

I actually let Nathan and Justine work on it while I worked and then I finished it. He wanted it red and silver. What the heck, right?

I think it looks AWESOME! Corey thinks it is hideous.

But Nathan loves it. And he is so darn happy in there.

He had been sharing his room with two very rowdy brothers. He told me as soon as he was in his new room I would see he was clean. And sure enough....he wasn't the messy one!

He is so happy at night because he can go to sleep at night in peace (that is a pretty big deal). He can hang out in peace and quiet in his own room.

So here it goes....In some areas it is very shiny. I still need to do a bunch of touch up work....

He is going to get a lizard to put on this table.

He was very happy to inherit Kassidy's old desk.

Don't you think it is a great almost 15 year old boy's room? I do!

He's even been reading more!

I worry about this kid. He is q.u.i.e.t! I don't like it. And now he has been gone HOURS locked in his room. So I started to worry...what is he doing in there?! So I knocked on the door. He was sitting at his desk...looking at a video on his ipod...ABOUT...

How to fold origami animals. Love that kid!

And take a look at Kassidy's new set up. A bed stuck in a miscellaneous unfinished room. Can't make it too comfortable, right? Gotta keep her moving forward with her new life. (actually, we just don't have room to save her room for her. :) )

I don't necessarily want to share this. Sometimes I feel super judged for throwing all my therapy out there for the world to see. I maybe shouldn't have done that. It was probably a stupid thing to do. I maybe should be embarrassed. But I was just so desperate at the time to learn and share and process that I shared a lot. And maybe it was too much and left me looking like a fool.

But I do feel like I need to say one more thing that applies to raising children. 

So for the time I have been seeing Kristopher I have relied on his opinion and his guidance quite a bit. I know that is no secret. I have been going weekly for a while now. He has "parented" me in a lot of ways even thought I have perfectly good parents. But he has fulfilled a need in my life. And it is hard to let that warmth and fulfilled need go. And it is too private and hard to even explain why I even had that need. 

But it is time for me to start moving on. So "we" are cutting way back on my therapy. And it is okay. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I know I just can't explain it without sounding quackers. But he has really given me a confidant and a guide when I have been struggling through this time. But I have to move on. Not all today. But I have to start.

So he said something that has been pretty helpful when I feel upset about things changing. He said it is individuating me. And I really relate to that. Because it is what I am doing with Kassidy. And it hurts to see Kassidy struggle but I have to let her do it. Like when she called me SUPER FREAKED because her bank account was messed up. And I just had to let her suffer through it. I told her to go to the bank and work it out. She wanted me to call the bank. I told her to go to the bank and work it out. She wanted me to look at it. I told her to go to the bank and work it out. I told her she would be proud of herself when she figured it out alone. 

And I felt badly. But I more felt like I was individuating her and that it was the right thing to do. 

So I guess when we feel like we want to protect our kids and do too much for them and we feel guilty and we want to save them from hurts we have to remember that we want them to individuate from us. And it is okay to not attend to their every need. 

It is okay to allow struggle. It is part of individuating them. 

Sigh. 

I want food. It is hard to not want to fall back to my old comfortable way ALL. THE. TIME. 

I feel like a failure over it. 

My college girl!

I wish I would have gotten around to writing this sooner. But I am back in school and busy busy.

One of the worst things I know will be true....the kids will be use to seeing me sit on my lap.

Corey is VERY miserable with his Lupus. It takes four months for the medicine to start working. It's really sad to watch someone get ill when they were perfectly strong and healthy before.

So I never wrote about dropping Kassidy off to college. It was such an exciting day. We had so much fun. I already wrote about the worries that occurred and she has proceeded to text me quite a bit which is okay. Today I haven't heard from her once. She is doing much better I believe, although her classes are challenging her and she still doesn't really have much excitement in the roommate department.

Here is a cute picture of her and her "friend" as I drove them up to their new adventure

Corey took her grocery shopping the night before and got her  a little bit to get her started.She has saved every bit to pay for her own living expenses and her housing and much of her tuition.

She can't ever just give me a normal smile! Her living room.

Dad came to help unload

We were shocked to see her apartment had an upstairs. The apartment situation has been a tad disappointing. The girls are spread out through the house and it isn't very conducive for fun, rowdy, roomate life. Her room roomate never came. So she has the room all to herself. Which she likes but I really wanted her to have the fun of roomate life. It is what it is, I guess. Also a little disappointing... of course the room they "showed" us is ot as nice as the room Kassidy got, mostly as far as closet space goes. But much to my joy, she is a simple girl and brought very little stuff. So she is fine.

I totally followed Kassidy's lead. I didn't know if she wanted me to stay or go or help her with her room or take off. She wanted me to stay. A lot. So I did.

She let me indulge my organizational side and I set up her desk for her.

and we hung up her posters...I mean I did. I swear she wanted me too.

And she organized her drawers. She only had two. 

Corey and Nathan patiently waited down stairs and watch cable. Yes. Cable. We didn't even have a TV in our apartment when I went to college.

Kassidy at her desk set up....with her crazy face. Won't just give me a decent smile!

I loved helping her. It was so much fun to get her set up on her new adventure.

 Her own little nook in the great big world of college.

I fit right in!!! She wanted me to stay!

.
Before Corey had to leave for work (we had driven separately) he took our college girl to eat at our favorite Mexican restaurant. It was fun. I always order some cream cheese and shrimp and crab burrito. Yum. This has been mine and Corey's favorite place for ever.

 After they left we decided to go walk around campus. Kassidy was very concerned about getting to her classes etc. The school had planned some get to know you things and there was a devotional and meeting for the new college parents. So we did those things and then we walked to every single class and timed ourselves. It was a crack up. And she had plenty of time to get there. All that walking is going to be so good for her.

The poor girl. She was just terrified. She didn't want me to go. She wanted me to come up the next day and hang out at the school function. She was so scared to talk to anybody. It broke my heart but I had to say no... and just let her "individuate" and be on her own. And struggle through it. That is what God does with us all the time.

We went to the book store. I told Kassidy I HAD to buy her something dumb and collegy. Like a banner or a magnet or a  mug or SOMETHING that was collegey and college pridey. I told her I GOT TO CHOOSE. I bought her a new belt of her choice and then I GOT TO CHOOSE something dumb. (I couldn't afford a sweat shirt) I got her this crazy stuffed monster with a BYU-I sweat shirt on. It was super ridiculous and perfect.

That night she wanted me so much to just stay long enough to go to the freshmen talent show. We talked about me spending night because NO roommates had even shown up and it was so weird! But Corey was gone overnight with Rhett at a camp out and I didn't want to leave my other kids home alone either!

We went to the talent show and just had the best time. It was so so fun. Yes, I was the ONLY parent there, sitting with all the college kids. But it was a great night and I did the wave. Lol. Did I tell you Gus told me I was a hip mom? Cause I listen to their music and watch their movies and such? So I totally am good to be there. ha ha.

Us at the talent show. My face is so OLD!!!! Crushes me.

When it was time to go it was the most awfullest thing ever. 

When we got back to her apartment at 10:30 two roommates (sisters who had been there before) were there. They are fairly quiet it seems. I felt like I needed to leave her. She at least was safe and not alone in her apartment. 

She started crying and then I started crying and it was seriously agonyish and I just said I'm leaving. But not before I told if she was miserable I would come back up and bring her home for the weekend. I probably shouldn't have said that but it was so so sad to just leave her there and it felt like I was leaving her there alone. 

Thankfully the school had get to know you stuff planned. And so they kept her busy.

I think she is pretty happy now and we have been seeing each other on the days I have classes up there.

Speaking of classes....I am grateful to my parents for helping me with Kate so I can take some classes. She is in HEAVEN with their attention.

I am loving my two classes up at the college. I am also taking one online one. So far it is is blah. but whatever.

I am taking Human Biology and I have the cutest teacher on planet earth. His personality is so sweet and funny and he loves biology and told us so like 40 times. I am pretty proud of myself because the first classes I was almost desperately worried about how unsmart I was. I didn't understand anything we were talking about. Atoms, matter, lipids, molecules of life...HUH?????

But I reviewed and reviewed and Newell helped me at work (he is stinkin' smart) and it is pretty clear in my head now. And I feel very excited about that! My professor said the class was hard and would be a lot of work. But I feel like I learned so little in high school, I am excited to gain knowledge.

The other class I am taking is a religion class. It is being taught by a guy Corey and I knew as young married people. He is awesome and it is a very fulfilling class.

So school is making me pretty happy right now. Although I am exhausted. I truly fell asleep in class the other day. It was so terrible.