Kicking against the pricks. Ouch!

Sorry to blog about Kristopher again. Sorry to blog about my crazy mental health journey and religion and such personal things again....When I thought about writing this post I thought no...they are probably tired of hearing about my nuttiness but then I had to remind myself...while I was in my sacred grove...that my blog has ultimately been for my children. So they will truly know me. And this is where I get to teach them life lessons. And while they don't read my blog now (thankfully, or  how would I talk about them if they did!?) they will someday and if I can leave them the things I am learning and they go back as adults and read my journey, then they will hopefully learn things from me. So this is for them. My lessons are what I have to leave them.

Here are some things that I have learned or been reminded of in the last day or so.....

Kristopher told me the other day that I keep "kicking against the pricks".

What the what?

I am telling you he has mental brain x-ray vision. How does he know these things???? I didn't tell him I was doing it...for all he knew I was going along with all his counsel and healthy advice. But I have been kicking against the pricks. To my own detriment. And I have been consciously doing it. Why? I DON'T KNOW! I have a rebellious natural man spirit I guess! I annoy myself that way sometimes.

Here is how I have been kicking against the pricks....in Kristopher's book it talks about Positive Proclamations. (Just buy his book already and read it so you know what I am talking about!) I believe what he says about brain neuroplasticity. when you tell yourself negative things those negative things sort of "grow" in your brain through cells. When you tell yourself positive things, those positive things also "grow" in your brain. And you begin to feel better. It takes three weeks so don't give up or kick against the pricks like I do. So I had been reading my list of positive proclamations and I felt better. But then I quit. Why? I don't know. I don't. Because I am rebellious? Because it is easier to wallow in your sorrows? Because sometimes feeling sad feels good...until it doesn't anymore? Because I get lazy? Because I am noncommittal? Because I lack faith?  Because telling yourself those things feels like lying to yourself ? (Apparently that is how you know it is working. It will feel like a lie).

So I haven't been doing it and he called me on it yesterday. Only we didn't really discuss what exactly I haven't been doing. But we did discuss God a lot. And I am sorry to admit this in public but I said to Kristopher, after we discussed prayer and how he believes God has things planned out, like me being in his office, like certain heartaches that happen that later are able to teach you things, I said to him....

"But what if none of it is really true. What if all these things are just coincidences and we are saying God did it."

And Kristopher broke my hear t by saying "You can think of it that way if you want to 'ye of little faith' girl...."

I cried. It hurt.

Because it is true. I know my Kristopher would never hurt me so I don't feel hurt by him. But the truth hurts.  And learning and stretching hurts. And faith is sometimes something I struggle with. Because sometimes I feel like I have been struggling alone.  And the more faithlessness I have the more faithlessness I feel. It feeds on itself. Just like my negative thoughts feed in my brain because of neuroplasticty. Just like positive thought would beget more positive thoughts because of neuroplasticity.

I get discouraged because going through trials is so lonely and ultimately in life you are so alone. Kristopher said that was one thing he did want to take up with God, (He told me they fight sometimes. :)) about how alone we as people on the earth really are. We have each other, we do. But we are still alone. No one can go through our trials for us. They are ours to bear alone.

He decided we are so alone because it bring us to our knees to Him. And it does. And that is why I loved our girls camp theme this year. (I still have a great story to tell about camp.) F.R.O.G. Fully Rely on God. Because sometimes He is All. There. Is. And the sooner we learn that He is everything the easier it will be.

I don't know Kristopher's exact words any more. But basically if I would exercise my faith, give credit to God for the things that may seem like coincidences, it would be similar to my Positive Proclamations. At first it might feel like a lie. But then it wouldn't any more. And I would be opening myself up to His blessings and His Spirit. Makes sense. And when I  went for a walk with my friend Camy,  we discussed all of this. She told me in R.B's talk he said you need to empty your self of self.... and fill it up with Jesus. Wow, huh?!

So I had all these thought in my head. I dropped Kate off to preschool (HOLY HALLELUJAH) and I went to my sacred grove. Even. though. I felt. nothing. the. other. days. But I can't quit because I have Kristopher in my head saying I want everything to be easy. I didn't  feel booming spiritual things this time either. I even had a scripture come into my mind and I got all excited and when I looked it up....it. mean. absolutely. nothing. lol.

However, the first day in my sacred grove (did everyone read the post as to why I am calling it that or are you all just thinking I am nutty?) I did feel like I should read this book my friend Aine swears by and even purchased for me (thanks friend!) It is called "Change your questions, change your life" by Wendy Watson Nelson.

So today....I read about the negative questions we ask ourselves. Same kind of stuff as Super Hero is teaching me. About all that negative thinking. Black and white thinking. I am the queen of it. In fact one of my first visits with Kristopher, after a very lengthy discussion about what is wrong with my life, he started pretending to stab himself as I had just killed him by saying everyone one of his "swear" words. I''ll share his list later.

Wendy gives a list of trouble making question that are spiritually weakening....

And she says "What trouble making questions do you presently ask yourself, others, or the Lord that invite the 4 D's into your life and relationships?"

And the four D's are....

And she says

"Which question is the biggest bully in your life?"
"Which one pushes you around the most and causes you the most trouble?"
"What questions cause trouble for you?"


She says "Do you want to change your life? Then change your questions!"

So I think all of that is good information. All about being more positive in your thinking. All about changing your words so they are not so black and white. Which Kristopher says are bad words.

So then I read the next page....

 

And I find it interesting that Kristopher and I are talking about this exact same thing yesterday. And then it is reinforced during my sacred grove time today! That just HAS to count for something, right?

And I am going to work on not kicking against the pricks anymore.

"Gregory" from "Answers, Yahoo" was voted best answer for his idea of what "kicking against the prick" means....

"A large percentage of people in the first century were tillers of the soil. Oxen were used to work the soil. The prick or goad was a necessary devise. The prick was usually a wooden shaft with a pointed spike (prick) at one end. The man working the ox would position the goad in such a way as to exert influence and control over the ox. You see, if the ox refused the command indicated by the farmer, the goad would be used to jab or prick the ox. Sometimes the ox would refuse this incentive by kicking out at the prick. As result, the prick would be driven deeper into the flesh of the rebellious animal. The more the animal rebelled, the more the animal suffered. Hence, the statement to Saul: "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." (Saul was rebelling against God.)"

I love the symbolism of that term now. 

Sheesh! All this thinking and growing and learning is a lot of mental work!