Hot fudge sundaes with resees. Yummo.

I was thinking today that I am struggling and I am only taking nine credits despite so many of my friends taking more.

But then I keep remembering that when I was a FULL time student I only did nine credits because school was challenging for me.

So now that I am a mom and a man's work boot sales girl and a student,  guess it's no wonder I am overwhelmed with nine credits.

I complain a lot. Sorry.

Only four weeks left and I will be done with my first year of school. I am counting it down because I am getting tired. And I have a lot of laundry to do. And a room to paint. And children to read to.

I will take one math class in the spring. I am soooo behind in math.

But I have learned a lot. It has been great fun and challenges feel good.

My last Biology test I got a 61. SO FRUSTRATING. I must have a C- or I can't get into the social work program. When I first started the class I totally expected an A from myself and I thought I could.

Not I will be relieved with a C-.

I saw Kristopher this week. I told him my woes about by biology. I told him how stupid I felt and how frustrated I was for wasting time and resources and sacrificing my children and what a waste it would be if I couldn't even get a C-.

He understood all of what I was saying.

But he was laughing a bit also, reliving his own life. He told me that he had to take Biology FOUR times!!!!!

And he laughed.

I was STUNNED!!!!!!!

Kristopher is smart.

FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He thought it was pretty funny now. He told me that if I got a C-  to be happy. And he gave me a little parental talk about how I can't be good at everything. And maybe some people are good at Biology but aren't at writing a paper. stuff like that.

But you know what really brings me some peace?

FOUR TIMES!!!!!!!!

If Kristopher had to take it four times I will give myself a break. If I can get a C- (even if all the cool kids get an A) I will feel like a genius to not have to repeat it.

Kristopher told me to give myself a break. He said to give myself a break. Because I told him that I was doing everything in my life right now marginally.  Wasn't really doing anything great. All of everything in my life....marginal.

And we talked about a bunch of different things regarding housewifing and parenting (mostly my littles) and he said "you are burned out". And I said "Yes. And there is even a section in my psyscology book that talks about it being a real condition."

And he said "yes." Because he knew there was already. And he believes I am  burned out. And it feels good to have someone believe me.

And that is one reason why school has been good for me. I know it may seem like it is adding to my burn out. But i think it is just giving me a chance to do some other things that are exciting. Like learn stuff.

Holy cow. The things we have just been learning in Biology are CRAZY!

Did you know that your body uses almost every thing you eat. So what you are pooping is really just bacteria from your large intestine????? Crazy, huh! Gross!

Did you know that spicy is NOT a taste! People who like spicy like PAIN!

So I gained ten pounds. I got a D on my Biology test and I went and got a hot fudge sundae with resees peanut butter cups all over it. It soothed me. It was delicious. It made me feel better.

But I don't feel better when I can tell I gained ten pounds! It is such a challenge because I want to feel good. I don't want to be sadish.

I went ot my appointment with Kristopher and was like "what do I do to make addiction go away!!!!

He said people often replace one addiction with another. And he recommends exercise. I'm like "I don't have time to be addicted to exercise!!!!"

And I don't want to be addicted to anything. I just want to be unaddicted. He said some people have more addictive personalities than others. The thing is that since I have gained back this ten pounds it has been good to eat and stuff away any sadness and then when I try to be "good" and not eat I feel sad. Like just a base level of sad. I told him I was happier when I was fat.

In ways it's true. In ways its not.

I am amused at myself because remember when I first heard about food addiction and my friends who were over weight who lost and gained and lost and gained and it was confusing why and one of them started talking about food addiction and I was skeptical and for some reason I didn't want to believe it.

But now knowing how it can be such a mood enhancer and how sad I can feel without it and how happy I can feel when I can have a hot fudge sundae with resees all over it and how I feel no joy sometimes when I know I can't have food....

And knowing now what I learned in Biology about addiction....

I can see exactly what is going on with me!

Kristopher told me about a guy he knew who lost two hundred pounds. And the guy said he HAS to keep himself busy and off the couch eating. And that he is taking flying lessons and constantly reinventing himself.

Kristopher told me to "get out of the CRACK HOUSE!"

Meaning...force myself to stay busy and not sit in my favorite spot in the house and eat and don't go to the store and bring home chocolate.

And one thing I learned from him but not in so many words was to come up with a different plan to keep myself from sabotaging.

So I did some of my old tricks.

I am so not an expert but this is what I am doing to get back in control.

I am embracing hunger a bit. We all think hunger is the worst thing in the world. A little bit of hunger isn't bad. What do you think? When I trick my brain and tell myself being hungry is okay....then I feel more in control.

I am trying to change my relationship with food. I had done this once before but got back to some old habits. But I try to look at it as more nutrients. And that being stuffed doesn't feel good. And that eating half your plate (if you were eating out or something) feels powerful. I don't know. It's all a bunch of head games. Honestly.

Also I am making strategic plans so I don't sabotage myself.

Did you know one can only eat about two lemon drops before their mouth hurts? So I bought a bag and when I normally would be downing chocolate, I suck on those. It substitutes one bad habit for another habit. Which is not so bad. Cause....you can only eat two. And your mouth gets raw. LOL

And Sunday is our big snack day. So I bought some snacks that are not so bad. So when the family is eating chili cream cheese dip with chips, I had some fresh mango salsa with these weird low calorie fake chips that worked perfectly fine.

I also buy these crazy pop corn "chips" that are vinegar and salt that I adore the flavor of. I can eat a lot of those for very little calories.

Tonight we went to a birthday party with my most favorite thing in the world....store bought cake.

I had gum in my mouth and I just didn't even have any. If I have some it leads to wanting MORE. It is better to not have any. And I am NOT joking when I say I could eat the whole thing and I would put the frosting in my veins if I could. So yummy.

I just have to be tough! Or fat. And I have to get control of myself. And for some reason taking control begets taking control.

And one important thing Kristopher and I talked about was creating my life. Find things to do that you love. And while I have enjoyed school I really do miss caring for my home. When I am done with school I want to build a shelf and do some decorating and he said to work on my blog and reinvent myself and create and do thing I am excited about. I kind of thought that was a really good point though. To keep your life exciting. And that might help with addiction.

I told you guys once about my awesome lamp dimmer. It allows me to turn on my lamp without moving. It is by where I do my home work etc....And now I don't have to STAND up every time I want my lamp on. Lazy, I know. But I LOVE it and don't' care.

And it gets worse.

I bought one for my lamp that is on. my. bedside. table.

LAZY I KNOW!!!!!!

But I am SO SO happy. I hate reach my arm out from my warm covers and reaching it up to the lamp and I almost always knock the lamp over and sometimes when I am done reading I am just too tired to turn the lamp off.

Well..now....it is right next to my head.

Life can be dang good!