Get out of that emotional chair, dadgummit!

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. I spent a lot of it in tears. I didn't get enough sleep that night.

And I have had to come to terms with some things in my life that I have been overly emotional about. Things I have been expecting people to do for me in order to "fill" me up inside. And I have had to accept that that just cannot be done. And it cannot be done because as Kristopher has taught me over and over we are all going through our "own" Gethsemane and it is "our" journey. Not a journey that some one else can walk with us every second. Not a journey that someone else can "love" us through. Not a journey that we can have everything we want the way we want it. Sometimes it is loss. Sometimes it is unfair. We can have cheerleaders that cheer us on. We can have "wells" that we visit for comfort and peace and security and substance and knowledge and safety. But then we have to leave that "well" and go through the journey on our own.

I have been hurt that life can't "fill" me up every second. I have been hurt that I can't live inside the "well". I have been hurt that I can't be the most important or specialist person around. Or that I am not doing a perfect job on my journey. Or that I am on my own. Does that make sense? I know we have support. I know we have Heavenly Father and the Savior. I know we have the Holy Spirit to guide us. But we are still making it through...ourselves.

After a dramatic text to Kristopher yesterday,  he took some time and chatted on the phone with me for a bit. He is very good to me. But it isn't because it is me. He is just good to people. Because he just makes the right choice. He doesn't hurt people. He doesn't care about power or some kind of ego trip. He cares about mental health and he just cares. He keeps proving that to me. He keeps making me want to be that way too.

We discussed a concept in his book.

Get out of the "emotional" chair and into the "logical/rational chair". I have been allowing myself to lounge around in that emotional chair. I like it there. It is super comfortable and you are allowed to be all sorts of dramatic. But after a while that chair starts to....SUCK.  And it just doesn't feel good any more. It feels out of control.

And so after sitting in the emotional chair today  from the second I got up, and being weepy for most of the morning, I tried out the logical chair. It felt pretty dang good. It was hard to leave that emotional chair. I didn't want to. Because even though it was doing self harm it still felt too good and safe to just leave from that chair. (Just like when I decided to quit eating tons of Reese's peanut butter cups, I didn't want to. I liked their comfort.) I think there must be some kind of brain chemical or adrenaline that keeps you in those places. But when  I switched out of it for a bit I felt better (and I don't even miss Reese's peanut butter cups either). Switching chairs has given me a "testimony" about that  concept in his book that  never really hit home with me before. It is true and a great concept. I am learning...line upon line. Most of the time it feels like three steps forward, two steps back. but I am getting there...I think.

Every time Kristopher talks to me he is sitting in that logical (and creative) chair. I don't think he ever even ever sits in the emotional chair. And he is very calm and very steady and very healthy. And I want to be very calm and very steady and very healthy.

Because, while the emotional chair gives you lots of entertainment with ups and downs and mads and sads and glads and happys and this way and that way....

I don't think it is a very healthy place to be. I think the emotional chair is a betrayer. It cannot tell you the truth. It cannot give you calm and steady and healthy  It is probably.... very likely...not your friend. The emotional chair messes with your mind.

I think I am going to practice staying in the logical chair for a while.

I think being in either chair is a choice.

Kristopher is always telling me to "feel" less and "think" more.

I am learning that is a choice. I think maybe we can "choose" to temper our emotions and our feelings by trying to sit in the logical chair and "thinking" more and "feeling" less.

Kristopher! You super hero! Why you so smart!!!???

So grateful for Kassidy. She comes home and helps me with little Kate. Kate talks to me NON STOP. My brain catches on fire and after a while I just feel like I am going to short. circuit.  Kassidy is taking her to the gas station for a little treat. Sigh :) .

Is anyone else as ANNOYED as me at these annoying slow sticky FLIES!!!! I hate their ever living GUTS!!!!!!!