running, crossing, tucking, and old Navy!!!! Wahoo!

I am having a pretty happy week.

Tonight as I was leaving Rhett's basketball practice I started running to the car. RUNNING! Without even thinking about it! I just picked up my feet and jaunted with ease! Like I was some sort of a marathonist or something! I don't even know who I am anymore! I have not ran in a million years. I have just been too heavy.

Losing weight has meant so much freedom. And I feel like I am becoming freer mentally also. I feel like I am getting mentally healthier. I am excited that my weight loss has happened along with mental health progress because I hope that means it will stick.

I also can....duh nuh nuh nuhhhhh...... cross my legs now! I LOVE it!!!!! I haven't been able to comfortably do that for years and years. It feels so good. Today during my visit with Kristopher I kicked off my shoes and tucked up my legs under me and relished in being able to get so comfy in my new body. I haven't been comfortable like that for years and years. Losing weight is reclaiming my soul. Reclaiming my soul is helping me lose weight.

So along with running, leg crossing, leg tucking,... I am also fitting into Old Navy clothes!!!! I am very happy about that. I adored old Navy as a teenager and yesterday I bought this long sleeved shirt that I felt right at home with. Happy happy.

The weight loss is slowing down a bit. But if I am not wrong I  believe that is to be expected. I am trying to be okay with that because I really want this to be a lasting change. I don't want my changes to be anything I can't stick with forever. I believe that changing my insides is imperative in this process as well as changing my "lifestyle".

That is why I see Kristopher, to oversee the changing of my insides. I mentioned I saw him today. Same peace. Same kindness. Same truth resonating within me that I am still on the right path. But I am also learning that my true attachment needs to be focused on the One who can give me that everlasting comfort and peace. I have been working on my prayers. Reading the parables.  Reading "Boundaries" which is chuck full of great thoughts about God. Being told by Kristopher every visit to "ask Father for help". But I still am not spending enough time committed to it. There is just not enough time.

I know a few weeks ago I was having some real struggles with some OCD issues.. Those demons have silenced and I am doing better. All I can think of is I have done so much changing and reading and analyzing and growing and thinking...that I am bound to have a "freak out" now and then. And...I am no longer eating away my hurts. I am dealing with them now.

One day I talked to Kristopher about how sometimes I think I am getting worse. We discussed how therapy is  picking off the scabs and getting to the wounds and so feeling worse is bound to happen for a bit.

I read a beautiful paragraph from the book "Boundaries" on that topic. It was talking about  people who come to their hospital for treatment.

"Hurting people will begin to make attachments with staff or other patients. For the first time, they begin coming forth with their need for connection. Like a rose lifting its petals after a hard rain, they begin to relate and connect in the light of the grace of God and his people....Then an unexpected difficulty will occur. Sometimes their depression will temporarily worsen as their pain is exposed."

After people start to feel worse sometimes they go inside themselves and try to handle everything on their own. The books goes on to say... "It is only when this attempt (handling it alone) at a solution breaks down  that they finally realize that these spiritual pains and burdens need to be brought out of themselves and to the body of Christ."

The book talks about how people struggle with sharing it with others so they try to work out their problems alone..."And yet the Bible doesn't recognize any other answer to our problems. Grace must come from the outside of ourselves to be useful and healing. Just as the branch withers without the vice (john 15:1-6) we can sustain neither life nor emotional repair without bonding to God and others. God and his people are the fuel, the energy source from which any problem is addressed. We need to be "joined and held together by every supporting ligament" (Eph. 4:16) of the the body of Christ to heal and to grow up."

The book also talked about how using our "will power" to solve our problems, like overeating or overspending, etc... we will be guaranteed to fail. "We are denying the power of the relationship promised in the cross. If all we need is our will to overcome evil, we certainly don't need a Savior (1 Cor. 1:17).

I just liked that. If we can just handle it then why do we need a Savior? Beautiful to me. I am not supposed to do it with just my own strength. I am supposed to rely on others and God for help.

One other thought I really loved from my reading today, and I wonder if it can comfort us if we have children making mistakes, or if we have had failings in our own life, one time Kristopher told me that we had a problem in our culture with perfectionism and it not being okay to make mistakes,

"We need to embrace failure instead of trying to avoid it. Those people who spend their lives trying to avoid failure are also eluding maturity. We are drawn to Jesus because "he learned obedience from what he suffered" (Heb.5:8). People who are growing up are also drawn to individuals who bear battle scars, worry furrows, and tear marks on their faces. Their lessons can be trusted, much more than the unlined faces of those who have never failed-and so have never lived."

Do you think that is beautiful? I do.