I am right on schedule.

Kristopher told me that women usually go through mid life crisis ages 38-42.

So my mental chaos has been right on track.

It is because between the ages of 38-42 women go through so many changes. Children getting older, child bearing years mostly over, physical changes that aren't good, "what do I do with the rest of my life" questions, getting old :(...

I decided that this has been my year for sorting things out. And I have been doing just that. And I am learning so very much. And so very much is getting sorted out. So very very much. And it feels good. It feels like maybe my life is being saved.

People keep asking me if I am just so proud of my weight loss. It is really strange. But I do not feel proud.

I feel relief.

I feel happy.

I feel free.

I feel grateful that God sent me the tools and the mental help to hopefully save me from that addiction.

I feel like "God is good."

Mormons usually don't talk like that. We don't say terms like that. We believe it and we love our Heavenly Father but we don't talk like that. I love the way some other religions praise God. I love the way they speak. So the other day when I waiting in the hospital while Bo had some dental work done, I was texting my friends about how I was able to sit with a notebook in my lap, with my legs comfortably crossed. I was so very happy about that.

The only thing that kept coming to my mind was "God is good".

And He is.

He sent me relief. In the form of uncontrollable chaos that when left to simmer and cook, was turned into unexpected relief.

I have had some problems in my life and I have felt fairly abandoned in them for many years. When I first started seeing Kristopher he couldn't understand why I just wanted everything to come so easy.

 I was befuddled myself.

Doesn't everyone want it easy? Doesn't everyone want their trials to just BE GONE ALREADY?????

Kristopher's book talks about the "The Best News Ever".

"The Best News Ever" is who you become, and the opportunities you are given or pushed into or gifted, because of your sufferings and trials.

 "The Best News Ever" is that you can "move beyond your losses and reclaim your lives" (Chapter 8 in Kristopher's book). Kristopher told me that even though he never in a million years thought he'd be divorced, or wanted to be divorced, it ended up helping him do things he NEVER would have done had he not suffered in that way. He told me he never would have written his book which was step one in my healing. He would have never been the intensely, truly, compassionate and knowledgeable therapist he is if he hadn't have suffered through that trial, which is a gift to his clients.

And I am seeing how the lonely times and sufferings I have gone through have led me to this point that I am at today.

Finding lots and lots of inner freedom and peace.

Learning lesson after lesson.

Having session after session.

Reading chapter after chapter.

Closet praying after closet praying.

Finding that most things in life do not have easy fixes. Learning to trust that that is okay.

Learning and being taught through example....great compassion.

Feeling intense gratitude for the knowledge that has come my way.

Seeing that the only way that knowledge has come, was because I was left to ripen for it.

Learning that often you are left lingering and struggling so that you can learn the VERY MOST from the lessons Heavenly Father wants you to learn. And that when the time is right, when you can't stand it for one more minute, He will show you the way. Or hand it to you on a silver platter like He did for me. Or leave you a little "trail of rocks" to follow that lead you to where He wants you to be, line upon line, in a tender and gentle and slow and merciful way... like He also did for me.

I am clay. My Master is molding me. I am trusting that I am not alone anymore. I am trusting that all things are for my good. I am scared for what that can mean.  If I surrender with full trust, what trials can rock my world next? Will I be able to bear them with this professed trust?

I don't have all the answers. I say that a million times a day. But I am trusting that if I can learn to see my struggles differently, then I will be able to see what the "Best News Ever" is that can come from each struggle.

We are all just working it out, aren't we? The best we can...

I am not done "working it" out yet. Some days I don't feel this much serenity. Some days life still beats me up and my faith is shot. Some days I still worry every second if I am making the right choices (like working and missing my little family on those days). Some days controlling my addiction isn't so easy.

I still have some "working it out" left to do. I still have massive growth to do. That is okay though. I am happy to be "working it out". I am grateful to be "working it out". It has been a great privilege and opportunity to be "working it out". It has been leading me to "The Best News Ever".

I am excited and hopeful that I will be able to strengthen the inner peace I am discovering. I am grateful for this journey. I am grateful for learning and lessons and books and therapy and friends and Kristopher and change and peace and prayer and God. And although it hurts sometimes... I am thankful I am clay and that I am being molded. Because He knows more than me. And I want to be where He is taking me.

(Photo by my talented friend Michelle. Contact me if you want her #.)