hope and hope and hope

Recently at church I was asked to do a new job at church. All church jobs (which are referred to the LDS people as "callings") are done voluntarily. Usually everyone has some type of job and that is just how our church runs. Examples of jobs are... teacher to the different ages of primary kids, teachers to the older kids, teacher to the adults, choir director, librarian, bulletin designer...

My new job will be to plan (with a committee) a monthly evening activity which can be a lesson, craft, activity, etc...

The job I have already been doing now, has been  pretty major. I thought I would get a break when I was done with it. I was surprised to be thrown straight into another pretty big job.

But...I get to be part of this lady's team and I would NEVER miss that opportunity.

There is SO MUCH to be learned from her. I cannot wait to soak up her knowledge. I decided when I am around her I am going to make sure to be listening to her more than I am talking. I want to learn all I can from the gifts of the Spirit she has,and the things she has learned. She is WONDERFUL.

She told me (as she also asked me to give the women a lesson this month that she felt very strongly I was the one to give it) that she just thinks this is my time to really be stretched and prepared for some serious growing.

She told me that she really felt that the Lord wants me to "lengthen my cords and strengthen my stakes" (3rd Nephi 22:2). (I researched what that meant a bit....I found that with stronger stakes and longer cords you can sustain a bigger tent. The tent represents the house of Israel. What does that mean? How does that apply to me?)

Anyway when she was talking about me growing I wanted to say....

"UH....Have you not been here this whole last year???? That is ALL I have been doing! Stretching and growing and learning."

And I know she has been there to witness all that because she is my friend and we have talked a lot about it.

And I was thinking in my head...."Sheesh, Heavenly Father! Push, push, push! How much growing do I have to do in one short time!"

And I have felt that same way with Kristopher. I have even  had to tell Kristopher, "I can only change so much at once!!!!" because he expects so much out of me! And he push, push, pushes me also! Sheesh. But he tells me..."It is because I believe in your capacity."

And I suppose Heavenly Father must also. Or maybe Heavenly Father just failed to get the news flash that I am having a nervous break down this year and don't need more pressure. One of those two.

But I also had to remind myself that JUST the week before I was asked to do this new church job,  I specifically told Heavenly Father that I was really grateful for all the new things I learned this year. And for all the growth that has come out of my trials. And that Kristopher was right...Trials are good and exciting (sort of....Kristopher is getting me convinced) because that is when you have the chance to learn all sorts of new great things. You don't have that chance otherwise. Honest. And I told Him that I trusted Him that I want Him to do what He sees fit to do with me to teach me more great things. That seems like a risk but I trust Heavenly Father to not completely do me in in the process. I trust Him to only lay on me what is best for me. I want to get all I can out of this earth experience. I want to be the very most I can be.

Recently I have been realizing that I WANT to go, go, go. I want to be pushed and pushed. I want to suck all the learning I can out of life and it's experiences. I don't want to be a bystander. I want to learn and learn and learn. And experience and experience and experience. And stretch and stretch and stretch. I won't do that vegging out. I need to be out there running the race.

So I guess this must be part of my learning. To be plunged into another completely foreign and scary task, even thought I wanted to say...Are you kidding me????  I DO NOT HAVE MORE TIME OR MENTAL CAPACITY FOR MORE STRESS AND PROJECTS!!!

But the very first meeting I had with my new committee, and the very first activity we had, I KNEW I had been matched up with this committee for a reason. They are ALL strong and assertive and confident women. And they will teach me how to be strong and assertive and confident. I am so grateful and I was so pleased to see this in action. To see that Heavenly Father knew who I should be around and learn from.  One of these girls is quite a few years younger than me. But she is strong. I HATE being the leader of anything. HATE it. I had to make some decisions during that activity and I didn't want to. Simple decisions but I didn't know if I was going to make the right one. Brooke simply and strongly told me...."You are in charge, you just say how it is going to be!" And I realized "Yes." and I need to do that. And there were several other interactions I had with these women that I just knew I was supposed to be rubbing shoulders with them. Excited.

Kristopher has spoken to me before about how the safety and connection and relationship and oasis, I feel in his office is really just a metaphor for what I can find in my life. He has spoken to me in terms of finding that safety and connection and relationship and oasis in God. I have not gotten there yet. That is what I am seeking for.

I have a beautiful friend and she has struggled and worked and struggled and worked. She told me Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ honored her struggle and pain and compensated her for her struggle and pain with a relationship with Them. She told me once it was actually tangible. I believe that is the journey God is taking me on. I hope, hope, hope it is. It feels light years away.