My favorite swear word!

My lap top died. again. And my current blog book work was on it. Again. I never learn. So since my lap top died it has been hard for me to get my blogging done.

This week I had Kristopher. We decided my worst "swear word" is being black and white. I have known that about myself for a long time. I am very black and white. Very. If I mess up on my eating, (I am getting better on this one) I will mess up all day because I BLEW it instead of just accepting one little mess up. If I make a mistake at work, then I must be the worst employee alive. I am very black and white. If Kristopher tells me I am on the "stepping down" process of therapy and will be finishing up within 6 months, I hear he is kicking me out tomorrow. Which leads to crying into my coat and a long discussion about how once anyone enters into therapy, they are already on the stepping down process. Get better and move on is the goal, right? He had to even say to me when my face was planted in my coat..."Are you going into black and white thinking that I am kicking you out tomorrow?" 

Ummm, yes. Wasn't that was he said? Didn't you hear that also? I thought that was what he said.

Darn black and white thinking. My second "favorite" swear word would probably be awfulizing and horribilizing, catastrophizing, and terribilizing. (that is all one!) I do that one a lot. And then Kristopher points it out and I realize, "oh yeah. I am!" and it helps me feel a ton better to know that is what I am doing and things aren't so bad.

Kristopher's top 10 swear words, I SHOULD, I MUST, I OUGHT, I'm SUPPOSED TO, WHAT IF'S, CONDEMNATION AND DAMNATION  I CAN"T STAND IT'S, AWFULIZING AND HORRIBILIZNG, CATASROPHIZING, AND TERRIBLIZING, I'm WORTHLESS, BLACK and WHITE thinking.

Kristopher told me something that has just really helped give me some perspective. I think it was because he told me it was "My Job" that it made it all very clear in my mind. Because when someone gives me a "job" I take it very seriously. Maybe this won't make sense to you guys who don't know exactly what my therapeutic needs have been or the details but he told me... 

"your life, is your life. Your job is to make it as good and as wonderful as possible."

Oh. That's my job? To create my own life? Well. That makes sense then. 

That simple message has given me some clarity and some insight. I can't explain it anymore. It isn't within my explaining ability. I guess it was just a message meant for me. Or if it brings you clarity then it was meant for you also. :) But I know how to work some stuff out that I needed to work out.

Some of it is simple.

And....when I was listening to Pink's new great song it dawned on me that one of those things is to learn the piano. I have wanted to my entire life. If that is something I care about then it isn't just magically going to happen. I need to make it happen.

Isn't it great? I love that song. I love her eye shadow. I want to do my make up like that.

It is just weird. I have been dealing with babies for so many years and I am in a new phase of life. And it is time to sort of reevaluate my life, where I want to go with it, what goals  I can/want to have while still mothering. I can't help it. I sort of want to learn a bunch of stuff. I have a good friend, Viki, whom I sort of  look at as my example. She is mothering (seven!) . But she is also a very smart nurse, going back to online school, cake decorating class, mothering, charity work.... always keeping her own life alive. I like that. I am sort of in need of it.

I have really worked with changing my speech and thinking. I almost never say that something "made" me anymore. It was a bit hard at first. I would say it all the time. "That made me feel this certain way". Kristopher was RELENTLESS (to the point of annoying) at correcting me. Reminding me "that's not rational. That (half the time it was an inanimate object) can't make you". He kept trying to give me my power over myself and I kept trying to give it away. But he wouldn't let me. Now I am really grateful to him for annoying me. It is really sticking. Now I want to correct everyone. Lately when I have struggled with what language to use Kristopher told me it was okay to say something "created" me to feel that way. I thought and thought about that. What is the difference? Made, create? I didn't get it. One day in group I told him that I DID NOT get the difference. He expressed that it was just a way of mixing up your thinking that someone or something can't "make" you. The words you tell yourself is important. You still have power over "creates". You don't over "made". That was my take on how I understood it. 

See ya!