Can't I just have one really good freak out? Nope.

Today I saw Kristopher (I forgot to get a picture for you, wah). Without sharing too much I want to say that I got in a tiny bit of trouble. I say that without really meaning it. Kristopher is too rational and calm to get too mad. But he told me I was catasrophizing things (which I was) and that I wasn't using some of the most basic tools of his Navigating Your Mind theory (which I wasn't) and he said "Why are you torturing yourself?" (which I was) and I think he was sort of trying to tell me I was being selfish....self absorbed....(uh, ouch?). But you know?... maybe true.

You see...the past few days I have been thinking some things. And those thoughts got me completely riled up. Because...other wise.... I had no real reason to be riled up. Just my own dramatized thoughts. Instead of being mindful of my thoughts, I got myself in a state of depression, sadness, and irrationality. It was ridiculous. Really ridiculous. Annoyingly ridiculous.Stupidly ridiculous. Sadly ridiculous. But I was stuck.

Why would I do that? I guess because I wasn't realizing why I was doing it. Kristopher pointed out why and.... I. believe. it.

I was/am getting a pay off from getting myself all riled up in a mental frenzy like that. The pay off? Somehow it feels good. He said I was turning to my methamphetamine.

From Kristopher's book, "As we learn to monitor our thoughts, we can begin to understand what we are biologically addicted to and the neurological payoff for holding onto those beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and actions. "

All that internal drama somehow feels good. Like an addiction. I didn't think it was feeling good because I was sad, emotional, and all internally tortured. But I believe that somehow it does feels addictively good. So instead of keeping my mind in check... I let it go haywire and create internal chaos. Then...it stops feeling good.

How did the old me use to stay in check?

(isn't this AWESOME??!!! Ginormous peanut butter cups!!!!!!!! Heaven. But not for me. Not anymore)

Yeah. I ate. And it distracted me and made me happy and soothed me.

Now I have to force myself and consciously be aware... to be mindful.

But Kristopher had to remind me of that. In all of my mental chaos I forgot (or got too wrapped up in the feelings) that I can monitor my mind by being mindful (I love that term) and "talking" to myself (Say "it is what it is", "I am okay" (my favorite), "I can't stop fix or control everything"). And by saying those things, you can temper those out of control thoughts.

What...POWER! What...A GIFT.

 Don't you think it is sort of great and comforting and powerful to know you don't have to live in fear and hysteria and ridiculousness, because you can monitor what you think, which monitors how you "feel"? It gives me great comfort that I don't have to go down those sad, nutty paths if I don't want to.

It  gives me comfort that I should and that I can control what I am thinking versus just letting my thoughts run a muck. Which trust me...for a life time I have been doing. Thoughts running a muck is somedays, what I do best.

For some strange, therapisty reason, I like that Kristopher got after me and told me to be mindful.  Remember I am a rule follower. So I like when he gives me rules.

I had thought this session would be full of drama but he just doesn't ever go there. He always helps me be rational. Sometimes I want to just have a gigantic "freak out" but Kristopher is so stinking calm and won't ever go there, that I'd just end up feeling stupid. So a freak out is always a "no go" because he just won't freak out with me. And it's no fun to play alone, right?

Instead he calmly tells me to be mindful. To not let myself think all of that other, emotional, drama-ish, unnecessary stuff when I have no reason to go down that path except for my own little "high" I get from the mental drama. To stop or contol yourself, you say your Positive Proclamations.

His book says, "We need to start recognizing that what we are thinking creates our feeling......and it's not the other way around (what happens to me causes how I feel)."" I was thinking and thinking about some things and I started to feel so alone and sad  and worthless. What I was thinking created those feelings! Wow!

So here are some of the things that I have been doing that you must be MINDFUL and not do.

These are Kristopher's Top Ten swear words. When I first started seeing him, one session he pretended to be dying (I think specifically he pretended to stab himself) because I had just said a sentence with every single one of his swear words. I hadn't read his book and didn't know what that meant yet. It is interesting to see the progression of the things I have learned. Applying? Still working on that.

So each swear word has a sentence to describe what he means but I guess you'll have to buy his book because I am not typing that much. So the gist of his swear words are...

I should (me, me, me)

I must

 I ought

I'm supposed to (me, me, me)

What if's??? (me, me, me)

Condemnation and Damnation

I can't stand it's (me, me, me)

Awfulizing and Horriblizing, Catastrophizing and Terriblizing (me, me, me)

I'm worthless (me, me, me)

Black and White thinking (me, me, me)

From Kristopher's book...."These "swear words" are the negative words we use to talk to ourselves. We need to become aware that we are using these swear words." Then our goal must be to replace this negative language we use to communicate with ourselves, our "self-talk," with new more positive words-what I call "Positive Proclamation." Positive Proclamations are replacement mantras we can repeat to ourselves until we believe them and they change our way of thinking about the world around us. We need to stop making demands about how the world needs to be and accept it for what it is. Our positive Proclamations allow us to separate from external events and view them from our positive side. Instead of reacting to what is happening to us by allowing the circumstances to control our lives and make us feel hurt, sadness, loss, grief, abandonment, rejected, guilty, shameful, frustrated, and embarrassed, we replace those feelings by telling ourselves what we want to happen and how we want to feel. We state for ourselves our PREFERENCE AND WISHES in Positive Proclamations. By doing so, we recognize the beliefs we have about our losses and we reshape and control them so negative emotions are replaced by positive beliefs about the outcome, no matter the current situation."

Wow, right? Doesn't that give you peace? And control? And hope?

It was weird. Because after my session, that night I started to write my blog. As I have stated before, I write this blog as a tool to someday teach my children. Right now they don't care about reading it (thank Heavens, cause I want to write about them) but someday they will. And I hope they will benefit from my life's lessons. And I just can't help but feel there are reasons why I publicly share these internally private, sacred things. But when I was writing this blog, I flipped through the pages from Kristopher's book and I instantly found the exact parts that had to do with what I had learned (again) that day. And I can't help but believe it is Heavenly Father making it easy for me and prodding me along to share. So that is what I do. Love you my friends.

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