Some days aren't as good as others.

I often worry about this little blog of mine.

Corey has asked me if perhaps I should make the blog private. He worries I am sharing too much of my family.

Maybe Rhett didn't want his dyslexia announced to the world. Maybe, indeed, he should have been the one to get to decide if that was a public announcement or not.

Maybe I give too much of myself away. But I truly can't keep things to myself. I have tried. It makes me ill. I am an expresser. It is just who I am. I can't help it.

Also, do people get the impression somehow, even though I have tried to be so honest and "real", that I might have my act together better than the average person? Sometimes when reading other's blogs it is easy to feel not as good as all the goodness the blogger is portraying. Do you think that I am more happy or more loving or more more more....

Because I assure you...I am not. I am just. like. you. And  you. are. just. like. me.

We are all going about doing well in some areas and sucky in other. And when we compare, we hurt ourselves. We injure our souls. And I am sure we offend our God.

Some days I may be preachy and I am sorry. Some days I may be all "just control your thoughts and you'll be fine, blah blah blah". And the next day I am in despair because I let myself get down.

Today I came home from my daily appointments and was grumpy to my husband and my children. It hurts my heart. The pressure of raising a large family in a home that is falling apart with vehicles that are falling apart, and no time and  little money to maintain it all, is crushing. The pressure to teach the kids the gospel (which isn't even happening right now) and help them with their homework (not happening) and run them to their therapies and activities is.... crushing. And is the oil working for Bo's ADHD and should Rhett be on meds for his and Nathan didn't practice his violin again and Zane is already neglected and chirping up a happy mad house, and how do I go another day with out binging, and is eating 53 icebreaker mints in one sitting bad, and I should be working on this or that....and it is all just.... crushing. And I have to fight the fight to not be flattened flat by it all. Because life, if you do not fight back, has the power to flatten you flat.

The "Evil Creeper" is the king of discouragement. It can take me from a happy girl who is losing weight and working on her therapy with her beloved Kristopher and preparing to teach her children about Christ for Christmas, to a woman who comes home crushed and grumpy from the days strains. To a woman who is grumpy with her husband and then gets angry at her eleven year old for hitting a brother and then he runs to his room and says he hates himself. And. that. breaks. a mamma's. heart. Because I let my anger hurt him.

And much of it could have probably been controlled by stopping, whispering a prayer, breathing, and saying my Positive Proclamations. But, once again, I let myself get upset by "feeling" too much.

Those positive proclamations....Magic they are. (Did that sound like Yoda?) Really. I have been feeling it so strongly lately.

A few months ago Kassidy was very sad. She was really really hurting. I tired to teach her what I have learned. Usually she is quite rebellious to all my new found wisdom. Lol. Teenage thing!

So  I wrote her a list of Positive Proclamations and loved on her the best I could and went out of her room. I left her the list because I wanted her to have some power to sooth herself. She didn't say one word about the list. I assumed she did. not. care. Today I noticed it pinned on her bulletin board. I was happy although she told me she was just trying to get it off her desk. But she didn't throw it away!!!!! That is something, right? I want her to have a way to have "positive chatterbox" going off in her head. I want my children to learn this concept.

Having "positive chatterbox" in your head is done by telling yourself all those "Positive Proclamations". "I love myself for who I am and where I'm at", "I can stand it", Kristopher tells me to say it all day. Like 25times. You exercise your brain just like you are exercising your body, he says. You say these proclamations and your brain changes. The chemicals in your brain change.

Here are a few I left for Kassidy..."I let go. I let go of the pain. I let go of the frustration." I have peace in my mind. I have joy in my heart", "I don't like this situation but I can stand it anyway", "It's okay if life's not fair. I can stand it".

It will feel like a lie at first.

One day during a session Kristopher asked about me saying my Positive Proclamations. "It feels like LYING to myself" I told him! And it did. And it was slightly uncomfortable. But that is how it goes at first. It does feel that way. But soon it feels more natural. And you can ease your anxiety by saying them. I tell myself at work all the time when I get nervous helping a customer who is going to ask me some crazy boot question "I don't like it that's okay,   I can take it anyway!" And  I feel better. And I  can take it.

If we have "positive chatterbox" in our head our battles will become manageable. I have had some proof of that.

I want to thank the four people who wrote me private messages this week telling me they loved me and that they loved me sharing. It means so very much.

I was written a nasty letter about 6 months ago. Anonymous. Sometimes those words on that letter still rehash in my head. (Because I read the letter more than once!!!! STUPID MISTAKE!!!!!)

The kind words I receive make that letter go away. Thank you, friends.

My friend Michelle took Kassidy's senior pictures and was thoughtful enough to throw me in as well. What a treasure.

Can I just tell you what we were cracking up at here???? Please??? Don't read if you are easily offended. She was disturbed that when we hugged our "fronts" were having contact.  She was grossed out. See her grossed out face? She cracks me up.