Ouchamrama

Well,

therapy sucks right now. SUCKS. I am mad and I hate it and I think I am going to take a break from it.

Kristopher is asking me to stand some things I don't want to stand.

But even if he wasn't asking me too, I have no choice. 

I have to stand it. Just plain and simple.

And it H.U.R.T.S. 

What has been bringing me relief?

"I don't like it, that's okay, I can stand it anyway."

Saying that over and over and over and over.

And over and over.

And over.

I can feel myself calm down. 

I have quite a bit of anxiety. I have my ENTIRE life. I have been finishing up with a book about OCD, and I think I have mentioned it before, but reading that book was like finding "my people". Weird, I know. But I have so many traits as the people in this book.

I was blessed to have some things happen in my life that curbed my OCD. Things that the book said to do that someone did for me that still has no idea they even did it for me. At the time, I knew this person had curbed it for me. I am sure God intervened for me. In the book, what this person did for me without even knowing it,  is an actual identified step to curb it.  At the time mine was curbed, I didn't know it was OCD. And OCD had only been recognized for about 10 years. That is pretty new and no one in my life ever identified it or knew it was OCD. I just truly thought  I was plum crazy...or worse, a bad person.

Later in life I realized it was OCD. And reading this book reaffirmed it to my core.

OCD is an actual brain issue, like a brain disease. The pictures of a person's brain with OCD is vastly "busier" ( and not in a good way) than a person with out OCD. A person with OCD's brain gets stuck and they need to get it unstuck. To get it unstuck you need to recognize that it is stuck in the first place. And then you say, "That's not me, that's my OCD". There is a lot more and if you have issues with this  I would recommend "Brain Lock".   

I also been saying "I don't like it, that's okay, I can stand it anyway." It seems to help my brain get unstuck because my brain can't obsess and say Kristopher's proclamation at the same time.

Also, when I say that... I literally feel my anxiety quieting. Sweet relief. I told Kristopher nothing felt worse than anxiety. Nothing. And I was serious and I meant it.

And he said, "Um...yes something does. Having your leg bitten off by a shark feels worse than anxiety." And he was serious. And snarky. And he meant it too.

And still, I thought "nu uh". But now I realize Kristopher was trying to help me realize that once again, I was awfulizing and horriblizing. Yes. Anxiety feels terrible. But having your leg ripped off by a shark does, likely feel worse.

So today at work I was thinking about what I am having to stand. I am mad at Kristopher for asking me to "stand" it. But he has to ask it of me. There is no other choice. I have to stand it. 

Kristopher has often told me that anything can come his way and he isn't that effected by it because he knows he can stand it. (I so don't know the difference between affect and effect. I have asked people, Googled it, researched it, and it is confusing. Blah. Sorry) And to life he is like "oh, you want to give me this problem? Go for it. Because that's okay, I can stand it." And he embraces pain. 

He told me so many people are running away from pain. And that he just doesn't get it . He views pain as an opportunity. And if he knows someone has a certain fear or painful thing, he asks that person to FACE it or do it. If it is scary and hurts, then DO it. And that fear will go away because you stood it.

I told him he was weird.

He views pain as something great. Because usually painful things do end up teaching you or leading you somewhere great. He isn't running from it. He is accepting it. Embracing it. Facing it head on.

So today as I was thinking about it. I had a little realization. I thought "What if  I really could stand anything that comes my way? What if  I really could? What if really hard things come my way, but because I have learned to embraced pain, I no longer want to RUN from it, but I want to learn from it? And what if I don't get anxiety from it because I know I am going to learn from it and more importantly... that I can stand it? What if?" To me, a person who has been scared of everything for ever,  I felt great relief. I CAN STAND IT!!!!  I CAN!!!! WHAT POWER!

And why can  I stand it? Because I have changed my thinking about it. I have made friends with it.

And if I feel like I can't stand it? Then I will recite "I don't like it, that's okay, I can stand it anyway." a million times...until I can. A million. Until. I can.

That is what is happening right now. I think I can't stand it but I am saying that over and over and I FEEL better!

My sweet support group of girlfriends encourage and help me. Linda told me that every time I feel like  I can't stand it, to use that as a reminder to say a quick prayer asking for help.

She said that when it is fast Sunday and her kids want to complain about being hungry, she tells them to use it as a reminder to utter a quick prayer. 

So, my newest challenge...to embrace pain. To know it is there and coming and to see it as an opportunity to learn from. It is that whole change your thinking thing again. I am going to pray myself, and positive proclamation myself through it, and hopefully out of it. 

Owie!