Therapy with Kristopher has been such an interesting experience. His take on the world is much different from the "takes" I am use to. It has been truly fascinating and it has been changing my thinking.
Let's be honest. When people go to therapy they change. And I don't know why, but I have been leery of going to therapy and becoming "weird". Does anyone else think that can happen or is it just some idea I have?
I hope I haven't gone weird. I know I have changed a lot of my thinking. And I know it has been a year of ups and downs for me.
I know I have had more sadness and anxiety than I use to. I know that has concerned some of my friends.
Last visit Kristopher asked how my emotional state was. I told him I was sad. And unsettled. He said it was because I wasn't numbing myself down through my food addiction anymore.
I know there are people who are on the fence still about food being an addiction. I was too, at one time. But I believe it now. Actually, I know it now.
Because from the second I got into therapy and was able to give Kristopher my feelings to sort through, instead of having to digest them all myself, the food battle became manageable for me. And since I gave up binging (almost), I have lost my soothing mechanism and have had to just feel stuff.
And "stuff" hurts. Lots of times it isn't even anything specific. It is just an underlining feeling that all is not well in my world. That the joy of life has been sucked out if I don't have 20 brownies to look forward to. Sick, huh? That's why I know it's addiction. But it is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.
So yes. I have had a lot more ups and downs this year. I have thought a lot. But I have lost 80 pounds. And I have had several people tell me I look different from the inside out. I am gaining inner peace. Lesson by lesson. Week by week. Painful lesson after painful lesson. Kristopher told me I would never have been making this progress if I was still numbing myself up with food (although, sometimes I relapse). I am working up the guts to ask Heavenly Father to take that desire completely away from me. I'm scared He really will. I am not sure I am ready to be completely without it. I know that is probably dangerous thinking. But step by step, I suppose.
About addiction....when I read Kristopher's book it was one of the first times I realized all the things that are addiction. Maybe a lot of people don't realize/believe they are addictions. But there are a lot of things that do the same thing to the brain as those more traditionally accepted addictions. Here is a list of Kristopher's other addictions (if you wonder why he has some listed you can see more details in his book) and something he says in his book that I think is important.
Pornography, Sexual Acting out, Alcohol abuse and dependency, Drug use, Music, Fantasy, Eating disorders, Cutting, Burning, Self mutilation, Lying, Manipulation, Sleeping, Victimization, Martyrdom, Work, Spending money, Body piercing and tattooing, Violence.
"Many people try to justify their so-called coping skills by saying what they do isn't really self-harm. But I believe what we do to distract ourselves from directly coping with stress is self-harm. We become biologically addicted to the neurochemicals released in our brain that create a "feel-good" feeling when we repeat thoughts or behaviors to which we are addicted. Self-harm brings a pay off inside the brain" (buy his book for the rest. :) ) HERE!
So here is where I am at in therapy. I think I have crossed a major milestone. It was super painful. And mentally time consuming. And weeks of talking myself down from panic. And as I look back over the last month, I can see that Heavenly Father was leading me to this point. In His bread crumb trail manner. Step by step. Precept by precept.
I suppose I could be completely wrong. And I have just been suffering for no good reason. But I am choosing not to believe that. Because when I look back, I am convinced He is leading me somewhere important. But since I am not done with the journey, I guess I have no proof
So here is the low down.
I went to therapy for item A. But then item A decided it wasn't time. It is actually not my item A. So item A might sit there for a while until God decides to intervene in item A's behalf. And I am learning and relieved and happy that that is okay.
I went to this awesome class today. The speaker said about God "He doesn't need me to heal my children. He needs me to get out of the way and heal myself."
And that is what I have been doing. Healing myself. And when the time is right, God will heal my child. And I am trusting now in His timing. And I am grateful for the knowledge and the relief that I don't have to fix it. He will. When it is right and best for item A. Even if I want it fixed now. I know it will be restored when it is right. And trusting in that gives me great peace.
So after item A was on pause I went for item B. Item B was addressed but is ongoing.
And then....
Suddenly item C started rearing it's ugly unexpected head. What the chicken! Some may think I am digging up trouble. I might have thought that in the past. But a patient God is taking me somewhere. And a patient (mostly) therapist is my cruise director. Only I am NOT tipping him! Sheesh! He refuses to carry my baggage! :)
I now believe that healing item C will heal many other items.
I told Kristopher I felt like we had woke up a sleeping giant (item C) that I didn't even know was asleep. I have been growing fairly irritated about it. Why did we wake up this giant? What was the point? I felt happier and much better when the giant was asleep. I wasn't feeling any of this before! (You mean before when I was eating myself into mental and physical prison?)
When I vented to Kristopher about why in the world couldn't I just go back to not addressing this issue (there wasn't pain then), he asked me..."Why do you think God would want you to have this experience? Why wouldn't you want the giant to awaken?"
Uh...cause it HURTS!
Up until he asked me that, I was just trying to figure out how to stop feeling item C.
Kristopher is often perplexed by people trying to escape feeling pain. I do. Pain is something I avoid. I don't want to feel an ounce of pain. Pain is bad. Right? I will do whatever to not feel pain. Including numb myself up with food for 20ish years.
Kristopher, cause he's just
Back to Kristopher's question, ..."Why do you think God would want you to have this experience?" (of the sleeping giant waking up and hurting me...)
He answered for me that God would want me to have this experience for my growth. That the sleeping giant has been awoken for my growth and for my life experience.
And I understood. And I believe it. And I quit fighting it and embraced it as truth.
Because item C was so darn exciting, item D decided to come along for fun also. A few sessions ago I was was sick of item C and it's stupid friend item D. I didn't understand either item and decided I should just quit therapy so all these items would just go. away. Honestly sounded like a good plan.
And Kristopher agreed I could do that and item C and D would likely go back to sleep. But he wants me to face fear and to face hurt and believes people need to plow through their fear and not give up. (He told me that when he had to call me to discuss me quitting. :) Yeah. I'm high maintenance like that some days.)
Also frankly, Kristopher and I had a few frustrating therapy sessions between us. That broke my heart. And for about two weeks I spent time trying to analyze what was going on inside of me. For reals! What was going on!
And for two weeks, I believe from the bottom of my soul, that God sent me a little clue here, and a little answer there, and a little memory here, and a little nudging there.
And when Kristopher and I met again, I had put much of the puzzle together. And somehow...so had he. And we came together with our pieces and fit it into one puzzle with lots of answers for me as to what in the world item C and D are all about and why they matter now in my life. And why waking up the sleeping giant really was the best thing. I hope. It is still in progress.
However, I have had much peace since my last session. Which, yes, was only a 2 days ago, but still... I'll take it. I am grateful for it. I feel like I have been working and have earned it. But I am also so so grateful for it.
And I am so, so excited that God has been taking me on this journey. And I always hope and pray I am making the most of it. And learning the most I can from it. And sharing with anyone who cares, anything I am learning, that might help them. Because I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn it, I really want to share it.
The end.
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