Things I learned from eating whatever I wanted for a week.

I have eaten whatever I wanted for this entire holiday week plus a few days.

For the past eight monthish I have been very very careful with what I ate and I counted every calorie. I have a lot of friends who could say they could never lose weight this way. They couldn't stand the restrictiveness of it.

For me? I love the restrictiveness. I love the control. I think it might be the ONLY way for me. At least for now. I cannot go free range on this. Corey always tells me..."Just eat less." I can't do it that simply. I need to count the calories.

Anyway, so I decided that the day before Christmas I was not going to be deprived. I was not going to miss my homemade clam chowder and I was going to eat all the things I have been wanting to for months.

You see....I have learned that I cannot just have one of certain things. I can't have one brownie or one piece of cake or one bowl of ice cream. I cannot have one potato chip. So I mostly just stay away from those things. I was very good at first. Lately I notice my resilience waning a bit but I have still been trying.

One thing that my friend Janet told me was this... (When I first heard it I though..."Huh." But it soon resonated in my soul and I really "got" it.)

She told me "Because one is never enough and a million is too many."

Does it resonate with you? Let me tell you why it resonates with me. Because if I eat that one chocolaty brownie with creamy mint on top it will not be enough. One will not be enough. And two will not be enough. And a whole pan will not be enough. And a million (which is what I want) will just be too many.

By the way...I have been craving a chocolaty brownie with creamy mint for almost eight months. Someone made them for the girls camp auction our church held. I wanted them but I was fresh to my calorie counting and didn't want to get off track at all. And then that very night Janet taught me that quote. And it has kept me many a time from even having "just one". Which I mostly can't do.

I learned from my friend Lyndi to buy a treat if I really need one but do not bring those treats home with me where I can have more. Because will power is just not always enough. So if I need a treat I bring home one package of m&m's. I NEVER bring home a big bag or more than one bag any more  Because I can't always count on my own strength to get me through a craving.

So since I was going to have a day or so of eating what I felt like I made those mint brownies. And they were terribly delicious. And I didn't have just one.

And I made home made clam chowder which is the yummiest and I didn't have just one bowl. Or just two.

And two days of eating what ever I wanted turned into a full week and maybe a few days on top of that  eating whatever I wanted.

And here is what I learned.

• It's not as great as you think it's going to be. I put so much emphasis on food and it is so very fleeting. That quote by Elizabeth Berg, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feel." is so very true.

• The food was never enough. It just never "filled" me up. It just never quenched whatever I was trying to get out of it. Not for more than an hour anyway. I would be full and still want more. But I was too full to have more. But I wanted more. What am I trying to fulfill?

• That I could very quickly I could resort back to my old ways. And honestly it scares me. Am I going to be able to get back on track? I could get lost in food again so very quickly.

• I don't like that FULL feeling any more. It is a yucky feeling. It feels heavy. It feels burdensome  It is a reminder of all the things I am not. It is a reminder of failure and out of controllness.

• I like being in control. I like being master of my own life. I like not being ruled by needing more and more and never being mentally filled for long.

• I like being able to have a nice dinner at sizzler (we had ribs there one night) and being able to get right back on track the next day. Instead of staying off track for days and days. It feels good. It feels like I am capable.

• That one is not enough and a million is too many.

• That it can take three whole weeks to lose 3 pounds but only one week to gain it back. Literally. And I know. Now.

I was grateful to receive a message from my friend giving me some guidance on how to get back on track.

I printed it out and stuck it to my mirror. It gives me hope. Because even though I learned all the things I mentioned I am worried that I will still go back to my old ways. I worry I will not be able to keep up with the "magic" I have felt since therapy and counting calories. People all the time gain their weight back. I expect people to at this point. Because it is really really hard to live so strictly. But I don't want to be lost in food ever again. I want to be free.

From my friend... "You fall off the wagon. It gets hard. You stay off the wagon. It gets harder. Your body is craving the same levels of carbs/fat/calories whatever that it had been used to for so many years. Addiction is returning and not only is it an emotional thing, but a very physical thing as well. Step 1: study in the addiction recovery book for 10 minutes a day.  Step 2: TRACK YOUR EATING RELIGIOUSLY! Step 3: Plan your eating the day before Step 4: find one positive thing you have done (eating wise) and sincerely compliment yourself to death every day (some days with me it has had to be "I stopped eating and went to bed". Well, that is not dumb and I can truly be proud of that!!  It's OK to struggle. I just have to remind myself that my body has been used to high levels of carbs/fat whatever and it's not going to be comfortable to cut those back out again....but I've done it before and I can do it again. You can do it again!!! And again, and again, and again. And you will slowly get better and better. True change comes slowly.  And I believe in you.     

(Aren't I a lucky girl? I have great friends)

I started reading in the LDS addiction recovery program again. I don't know how it compares to other 12 step programs, but the first step is honesty. I love that our church has a 12 step program. Just because you are one religion or another doesn't mean you don't have the same human problems as everyone else.  And I have mentioned this before but not everyone takes food issues seriously as an addiction. But those living through it... know. And it doesn't matter otherwise.

I need to recommit to the program So that when strength is small I have a solid foundation to turn to. Here are some words from the first step that I loved and that gave me strength and hope.

"Whatever our motive for starting and our circumstances, we soon discovered that the addiction relieved more than just physical pain. It provided stimulation or numbed painful feelings or moods. It helped us avoid the problems we faced— or so we thought. For a while, we felt free of fear, worry, loneliness, discouragement, regret, or boredom. But because life is full of the conditions that prompt these kinds of feelings, we resorted to our addictions more and more often. Still, most of us failed to recognize or admit that we had lost the ability to resist and abstain on our own. As Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve observed: “Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1988, 7; or Ensign, Nov. 1988, 7)."

"Even though people’s addictions are different, some truths, like this one, never vary—nothing begins
without an individual’s will to make it begin. Freedom from addiction and cleanliness begin with a tiny flicker
of will. People say individuals finally become willing to abstain when the pain of the problem becomes worse
than the pain of the solution. Have you come to that point? If you have not and you continue in your addiction, you surely will reach that point because addiction is a progressive problem. Like a degenerative disease, it eats at your ability to function normally. The only requirement to begin recovery is the desire
to stop participating in the addiction. If your desire is small and inconsistent today, don’t worry. It will grow!"

That last sentence always gives me great hope. Because sometimes you just don't feel like changing. But that your desire will grow, is a gift. And it is true. There have been lots of times over the past eight months, (I can't believe it had been eight months since I have been working on my eating) where I had such strength and would not have given in for anything. Then other times, overnight, I have lost that will power. And it terrifies me to think I might go back to my old ways. Terrifies me. But I love that sentence "If your desire is small and inconsistent today, don’t worry. It will grow!" Have faith.

So...I HAVE.... FOR A VERY LONG TIME....loved this company.

 And I mean LOVED. And I have yet to own anything from them.I really want a necklace with all my kids names. But I can never decide which one I want. It is seriously burdensome. So I never order one.

I also love all the toher necklaces and those chunky rings I adore.

So I decided when I lose another 25 pounds, and my goal is by May, I will buy myself one of these rings. And I need to come up with a really great passage to put on it. Maybe "grateful"? Look at all the choices!

Do you love or what????? Maybe twenty five pounds deserves two rings? I think so!

So today is day one of not eating whatever I feel like. And this is how I am feeling.

Thanks for that today Lyndi! I needed it!

Also...Thanks Janet!