In case you care....

During the first few visits with Kristopher, he taught me about positive proclamations.One of the main purposes of positive proclamations is to reduce anxiety and to help you deal with difficult situations. Positive Proclamations is saying things to your self like  "I don't like it that's okay I can take it anyway." I know that one sounds so cheesy but it is so darn easy to remember (I think that is it's purpose) that I say that one all the time to myself.

Learning all these new ideas in therapy was such a trip. At first it was like such a foreign language. But now some of the things he has taught me are so ingrained in me. Like when the kids say...(Justine is the worst at this) "She MAKES me so mad", I cringe. Not just because no one can "make" you feel a certain way but more importantly...why would you so easily hand over the control and power over yourself. Why are you giving permission for all these other people to "make" you feel something. It now, is almost offensive to me.

Kristopher always says the real therapy happens after you leave his office because that is when your brain changes and processes all this stuff. I have found that to be oh so true. I have a SHOE BOX full of notebooks (duck taped and hidden of course!) of all my journaling where I am figuring things out. I have the books he assigned for me to read, marked and written in so much, that I cannot even loan them out now because they are too private. I have spent almost a year living and breathing therapy. My friends are sick of me. :)

The one place my efforts are lacking though is in the Positive Proclamations theory. Kristopher says if you say those positive things to yourself for three weeks, 25 times a day, three times a day, your brain will start to change and you will feel better.

I decided (again) I needed to commit to it. Whenever  I continue my cycle of despair, Kristopher's answers are always the same. Think more, feel less, and "Not everyone is going to like me", "I can't stop fix or control everything",  He will start reciting to me Positive Proclamations that I should already be reciting to myself.

I made myself a bunch of little cards that have the Positive Proclamations on them that ring true to me. Or touch a chord with me. I laminated them and colored them because that is how I am. I figured I would scatter them around places so I can have them ready to read throughout my day.

When the beginning of my "breakdown" (which is now really my "break through") happened, on one of those first few visits with Kristopher, he gave me a little laminated card that had some general Positive Proclamations on it.

I slept with that card for nearly two weeks! No one knew. Not even Corey. I would lay it under my pillow or just inside my pillow case and I would hold it until I fell asleep  I would literally wake up at night and find it and rest  my hand on it and go  back to sleep. I was in so much distress.  That silly little card was the only hope I had. It was my only tie to the peace and solutions that Kristopher had offered me in a world of confusion. I would hide it under my mattress during the day and then pull it back out at night. I know it sounds insane. I know it does. But I was sad. And he offered me hope.

When I look back to that I can see how far I have come. Most days I can feel how far I have come. My upsetedness is much less now.

Yesterday I went to the women's group. Therapy is painful painful sometimes. Weird things come to the surface that you don't always understand. Kristopher helps me understand. He guides me through it. At group, Kristopher said something to me and it triggered a reaction from me and I was pretty sad and I started to get really mad about it.

Today I had my regular appointment.

Before my appointment, I sent him a text saying I was upset and why. And that I didn't want to come see him today.

He sent me back a text that said "See you at 11:00". Lol.

And I went. I have too great of respect and gratitude for him to ditch him, even if I am mad.

Turns out, he was glad that what he said had inadvertently pushed my buttons. And he was glad I told him about it because it shows assertiveness (he believe in power for women). And he was glad it opened up some "hurts" to talk about. He is so therapyish. I can't even be mad at him because he turns it into a good therapeutic step. I appreciate his clarity. It is God send. It just is.

He actually thanked me for having the courage to keep my appointment. And he said that the therapy he does is like going to a physical therapist where they stretch your joints and maneuver your bones and it h.u.r.t.s.

He said he is not going to be the therapist that holds your hand and just comforts you all the time. He is there to push you and give you the skills to get better.

And...he said to think more and feel less.

The following is from the book "Healing Your Aloneness". It is the concept Kristopher has been trying to teach me from the very beginning. It starts off by talking about how people will go to huge lengths to avoid disapproval from others and to GET love.

"Many people mistakenly believe that their best feeling comes from getting something from someone else-connection, attention, sex, approval,understanding, acceptance, love-rather than realizing that their best feeling comes from giving love and understanding to themselves and others. They believe that their best feeling comes from outside themselves, rather than from inside. When you believe this, you find yourself always wanting more and more from someone or something- more sex, affection, attention, approval, or time with someone; or more food, drugs, alcohol, material possessions, money, or power- and never feeling that what you're getting is enough. This false belief is at the heart of addiction and co dependence."

Something, something  something "...until you decide it is your own responsibility to learn to connect deeply and lovingly with your own Inner Child and experience feelings that are better than those achieved from another person."

Kristopher is trying to get me to understand that my "best" feeling must come from myself. That it feels best when others opinions don't matter and you realize you have yourself and that is a good person to have.

He says I am eating clam chowder from a can and if I can figure out to do this... a whole new world will open up to me. And I will be eating fresh clam chowder from New England sitting by the ocean side watching a guy even catch the clams. And it will be FUN.

is it weird that I adore clam chowder...as in really ADORE clam chowder...

...........and Kristopher used a

c.l.a.m c.h.o.w.d.e.r

analogy on me....?

Freaks me out a bit.

I don't know if any of that made sense. It is hard to explain it without giving too much of me away. Blah.


Here are a few recent songs that sooth my soul. In case you care.