It's my choice!

Something very exciting happened to me last week. Okay..it won't be that exciting to most, but to me? Super exciting!!!!

My world is opening up to me a bit since losing weight.

I knew my weight was holding me back. But I tried not to think about it because I was a prisoner. A prisoner in my body and I just felt like there was nothing I could do about it. I truly truly did. I felt 100% helpless to fix myself. NO ONE could have advised me or said "helpful" things to inspire me. I was a prisoner in my body and a prisoner to the control of food. That is what addiction does. It imprisons you. Both with the the desire to want the thing you're addicted to and the consequence the addiction has on you.

Therapy relieved my soul. My burden was lifted up for me and carried by someone else for a while. Someone who actually had a clue as to what to do about it. Someone who said "let me take this for a while", not literally but figuratively. Someone who never saw a fat person, but someone who was causing self harm as a way to cope with pain, anxiety, stress.  I know you all know I love Kristopher. I can't help it. He gave me power back over my life. Even when I am mad at him for stretching my mental ligaments too much, I still love him.

A friend gave me some HUGE gentle tips when I was first trying to lose weight.  Track those calories and then every day you have any progress, no matter how small, you write "yay" on your food journal. I still do that to this day if I am a little discouraged and didn't do so well. As long as I came in under, even if it is a little  I write "yay".

Treating my food issues like an addiction has really been a huge turning point for me. Kristopher says "self harm is self harm". And eating yourself into the size I was, is self harm. In a way, eating too much seems like the "good girl" addiction. The addiction that is not taken as seriously or treated with as much disdain as another type of addiction, although over weight people are certainly treated with disdain. But I was doing as much damage to my body as any other addiction. And I still am going to have some bummer repercussions from being over weight.

Some of the kids are tripped out a bit by my weight loss. Bo noticed the other day that he could put his arms all the way around me. Rhett is constantly mentioning that I am thinner. Tonight he told me I should have taken a picture before I got skinny. I showed him inside my bathroom mirror where I keep two "fat" pictures of myself. It seems sort of mean to have them there but I want to remind myself how free I am now. And how imprisoned I was then. The kids probably don't think I am freer because they see me be very restrictive with what I "can" and "can't" eat. It really is what I will allow and wont allow myself to eat. I "can" have anything I choose to. I think that is important. It is my CHOICE. As Kristopher has said..."If you can choose to eat it you can also choose not to eat it." That maybe wasn't as simple when I first started. But now...yes. Almost always I can choose. I say "almost" because there are times when I still "freak out" and ditch my goals for a little food "high". When you put it that way, doesn't it sound so wrong?

Anyways, so last week when I dropped my boy off to Jujitsu, the instructor asked where my Gi was at....I actually got a little thrilled inside. I should join jujitsu!!!! I don't know if it is my thing or not. But that fact that I could now and not feel too embarrassed....THRILLED me inside. I smiled at the thought of doing jujitsu for about five minutes!

It is so weird because I don't know what things I would like to do as a thinner person yet. I always hated hiking. But maybe I won't now.

Then....My funny kid Nathan joined 8th grade choir  Just. so. he. can. go. on. the. yearly. amusement  park. trip. But he is really enjoying choir now! His teacher is pretty great. She turns these kids into singers! So I am glad he joined.

When I was a kid, going to amusements parks was a PRETTY big part of my growing up. In Colorado we had Elitch's and Lakeside amusement parks. I STILL can remember Elitch's WOOD roller coaster. I can still remember completely going through the dark tunnel and the sound of the wood roller coaster. That my friends, is a GREAT sound.

The best part about Elitch's? The GUM TREE! It was so awesome  It was in the line for the log ride. Which was the next best thing about Elitch's. Everyone would stick their gum to it and it was COVERED with gum. It was AWESOME.

Nathan's choir teacher asked me to be a chaperon for his field trip to the amusement park!!!! In the past I would have said no. I love amusement parks but I was terrified I would not fit on the rides or the belts would not fit me and I would get kicked off the ride. TERRIFIED of that embarrassment.

But now I don't think I have to worry. And I said "YES"! And I am so excited to go and live a little!!!!!!!!! And Nathan was happy for me to go also!!! That is cool from a teenager!