Progress.

Kristopher today.

Part of his therapy involves a lot of journaling about certain topics (depending on why you are seeing him) and reading them to him. He likes you to read it more than once. And today he wanted me to read the very hardest part. He said start with the hardest. For me it was my inner child work.

I REALLY struggle to read out loud to him. We can talk about all sorts of private things but when it comes time for me to read to him I just. struggle. to. do. it. I just sit there and stare at him or the book and tell him I can't. I want to but I can't. I squirm. I don't want him to look at me.

I have tried to coerce him into reading it. What difference does it make who reads it right? He won't. He is so set in his ways sometimes! Stubornrama. Sheesh.

So for session after session, because of other important topics, we have not gotten to my reading from "my inner child" homework. Today was the day.

I could not do it. I just couldn't. I sat there and couldn't do it.

He wanted to know what I thought would be the worst thing that would happen if I read it. I told him. He said it wasn't rational.

He loves to be rational. It gets annoying. Actually I love it. I love it because it shocks me back into being rational. I must not be so rational. Because every appointment, more than once, he says that's not rational. I'm pretty extreme and pretty black and white.

But I really really wanted to read him what I wrote. I really felt like it was essential to giving my all to my therapy. And I was wasting my precious therapy time by just sitting there. I only had 15 minutes left!

So I took his couch pillow and made a barrier so he couldn't see me read.

It was ridiculous.

He said it was okay.

I told him it was really childish.

He said it was a step.

I read behind the black pillow with deep lines like corduroy in it.

And I shared with him probably the most private and vulnerable writings I had ever put on paper. And when I was done reading he told me "that was awesome". I lowered the pillow and almost beamed I was so proud of myself for doing it.

When I first heard about inner child stuff it freaked me out a tiny bit. What in the craziness is this about? I don't want to become all strange...er.

So I did what I do. I talked to my BFF's about it.

One of the concepts behind inner child work is to heal your inner child wounds.

One of Kristopher's ways is to tell yourself those "Positive Proclamations" I have told you about.

One of the "Healing your Aloneness" book's ways is to dialogue with your inner child...instead....of hating her (him) you love her (him) and try to understand their hurts.

When I talked to one of my BFF's about it, expecting her to be a little weirded out by the idea, she told me "I speak sweetly to myself all the time." (It was so comforting to hear from her.)

I do not.

I speak mean to myself and to my inner child.

I have hated my inner child. I learned that when I read the book. I remember telling Kristopher like I had discovered something quite unusual... "I don't think I like my inner child."

He told me, unsurprised, that is the root of why I was in therapy.

So then I Googled inner child work. Because you know, if there is going to be anything creepy about any subject...Google will alert me.

And Google did not have negative things to say. Google believes inner child work to be a solid work.

Google said that Markus Kasunich said this about inner child work...."Be kind and patient with yourself. This is a forum to develop self-love."

Inner child work is a "forum to develop self love". I like that. Kristopher says when you have self love you will never be alone. You have yourself.