The crazies! And a road trip.

Well, today was a mostly peaceful day of riding in the car with three of my kids and my parents  Thanks be to the powers of video games....

Bo did this almost  the whole trip.

Once upon a time that would have been against my moral code. I specifically remember believing kids should be looking out the window and enjoying the scenery.

Actually I still believe it. It is a lovely idea. But my mental health is a lovelier idea. So he played and Rhett kept his ADHD to a minimum. Only choking me with my seat belt once or twice and  annoying us at a much lower level than his true ability.

I blogged, read, ate, journaled and smile to myself the whole time about the fun little change of my day.

And…we laughed our heads off because Bo stuck a live moth down the back of my dad’s pants. Baaahhha! As in…his bummy. Bahaaahhaaa. My dad left it there. Baahaaaa. Some things are just so funny.

And here is a beautifully funny picture of my dad. Lol. We stopped about 2 hours after driving so the oldies could go to the bathroom. Already.

 Rhett had to lay in my lap and I had to type on him. He tried two different ways. It didn't work so well.

It might be a long drive.

We are going to a museum in Vernal and to a one day family reunion on Wyoming. Avery fast trip. I conned my parents into bring me and Justine and Rhett and Bo. Nathan is at the scout encampment. I decided Bo and Rhett got to go because the girls and I are having a trip in July. But in the end I brought Justine. She whined “I have never been to a family reunion before.” And then I decided it was foolish to leave my best helper home anyways. Duh!

So….yesterday was Kristopher.

I had a minor spaz attack about him bringing in someone to observe.

What if they think I am stupid?

What if they think I am weird?

What if they think my pain really isn't that big of a deal?

What if …

What if…

What if.

When I sat down to the appointment Kristopher knew I was in a frenzy. Because I may or may not have text and emailed him my concerns. Yeah. Don’t ever give me your text number if you don’t want me to use it. That’s all I am saying about that.

Plus he has a new couch. And it is perfect for crossing your legs (no more curling my feet up under me though) and  I noticed my foot was wiggling and wiggling all frenzied out. Later after the session went on he said I seemed calmer and I noticed my foot was relaxed. I'm crazy.

Kristopher asked what I was all riled up about.

I told him “They are going to think this and you are going to think that and they are going to think this and then afterwards you are going to talk about me and say this and that.”

And he said “You are projecting.”

and I said “no I’m not.

“Yes you are.”

“No I’m not”

“Yes you are.”

“No I’m not.”

“Let me read your email to you.”

“No! That was private.”

(Does it still count as private if I sent it to him?)

Me…“If I want it read out loud I would have said it.”

And then I remembered what was in the email. It was a lot of …if another person comes in “you are going to say this and you are going to think that and they are going to do this.”

So I shut up. Because I was projecting. No duh, already. I have projected for the whole therapy experience. It is a good lesson to learn. Again. At least for me. Maybe not everyone else is projecting their way through life but I am.

Always assuming another person thinks this or that based off an experience that happened to me before.

Oh yeah…but before shutting up I had to argue that it maybe wasn't just projection. That all those what ifs could happen. And that’s not projection.

“Those are projections.” And then we had to discuss that just because I may have had rejection in the past that didn't mean that was going to always be my experience. And these people weren't in this job to judge me.

“Yuh huh.” “And then you guys will talk about me after I go out” “and think I am dumb.”

‘Your negative chatterbox is going off. Do you know why?”

Basically I have let my negative chatterbox in my head go on for a life time. Thus Kristopher’s positive proclamations. He wants us to be mindful of our thinking and not just let it go rampant with negative chatterbox.

If you look in the dictionary you will see negative chatterbox and my name. Will you see your name there as well?

Kristopher wants us to change that space in our brain with “I don’t like it. That’s okay. I can stand it anyway." or "I am strong" or some other positive proclamation that feels right to you. 

So, one night when I was really bothered by something in my therapeutic world…I decided to google it. So I typed in the random sentence “what do you do if (insert situation)”.

Come on. You all know you have Googled a similar sentence.

And low and behold….and sincerely by the powers of Heaven…the first article I came upon was planted right there for me. The information and validation that I read that night had healing power to my soul. It had answers. True story.

The article also had about 17 pages of people who had written to the on line “shrink” about their problem (my problem). And she answered every single question. And from every single situation I had similarities and answers as to why I had been hurting ever since I began therapy. I thought I needed to quit therapy several times because I was so BLINDSIDED by the pain. But I couldn't quit. Even when I thought I should to escape the overwhelming feelings I was having. 

Kristopher had actually mention a few times what this problem was called that I was having. I accepted it. I had heard about it before. I din't think there was so much complexity to it and that was that.

 But my suffering and confusion really did continue. Pain. Every day. I didn't really know the details of what Kristopher said was my issue so I didn't really understand the depth of it, and that there were other people hurting from it as well, and that it was real and legitimate, until I read this article.

And for some reason just knowing and understanding and reading this article gave me partial and significant healance. Probably not a word. Should be.

It healed me through knowledge. And it is healing me to talk to Kristopher in detail about it.

I emailed Kristopher the article and he said it was right. We both laughed at the ironicalness (again, should be a word) of me randomly searching this topic on Google and actually finding a legitimate shrink who had a clue.

I decided I really wanted to go through the article piece by piece with Kristopher. So I printed it out and highlighted the entire thing and wrote in detail on the margins how it applied to me.

So then I began to think…What the heck Kristopher? Did you not know this? I thought you were super trained? But I love him so I was like huh. Whatever.

And at the therapy session I “confronted” him.

“Did you know the details of all this already? Did you know this is what I have been suffering through?”

Him…"yes”.

Me...“And you didn't tell me??????”

“I gave you clues. I knew you would figure it out.”

“BUT I WAS REALLY SUFFERING!!!! THIS WHOLE YEAR I HAVE BEEN IN A LOT OF PAIN!!!”

He got a little loud. “WHEN I WAS IN 8^th GRADE my teacher was a WITCH.” (Only he said something else. But my girl reads my blog so I am saying witch.)

He said “She would get mad at me because I wouldn't read the book assignment. She would call me out in front of the whole class. I hated her.” 

Kristopher shares this in his book but he was given a test score that showed a low IQ. He was put in special ed. and told he would only be able to do menial jobs. His whole future decided for him. In a family that cared deeply about education he was very hurt from this. His mother wanted him retested but the school refused. He suffered in special ed. for a very longtime even though obviously his IQ is was much higher. (I seriously doubt special ed. back then, is what it is now.) 

He told me "But I never would have gotten out of special ed if it wasn't for her. Because she believed in me. She believed in my capacity and she wasn't going to let me not live up to it.”

Kristopher believed I would figure this out. He believed I had the capacity to put the puzzle together. And I did. Suffering as I went. And learning. I love that he believes in me. Sometimes I wonder if it really is true. But he keeps saying it.

Aside from this year in therapy there is really only maybe one other time in my life where I can remember really, truly suffering.

 Pain? Yes. Confusion? Yes. Hurt? Yes. Discontent? Yes. Suffering? That is a pretty strong word that I don’t take lightly. But I dare say I have suffered since my therapy journey began.

And in the midst of suffering, and after the suffering, comes the sun....And..... the Son. And through my suffering I have witnessed the sun. And.... the Son. And the Father. I believe this road has been meant for me. I believe this article was another one of those bread crumbs Heavenly Father has left me to lead me on my way.

Because I was a little hurt and mad and stunned that Kristopher hadn't given me all the answers when he had them, he reminded me (again) Jesus suffered when he hung on the cross. He suffered. Kristopher suffered from a childhood in special ed. prison when he didn't deserve to be there. He suffered through a divorce. Everyone suffers.

If you hadn't have suffered you wouldn't have the lesson.

And I KNEW it was true. Because of this suffering... I have REALLY learned a lot. A LOT. I have a new empathy and understanding of this issue that I NEVER would have received in ANY other way. I have an understanding of this issue that may be useful even to those shadowing therapists of Kristopher's.  And maybe I think I am special or something but I don’t think the experience I have had, happens to just everyone.

If Kristopher had handed me this article at the beginning of my pain I NEVER would have “got” it. I ‘”got” it through true suffering. And really honestly in my mind sometimes agony. Sometimes minute by minute of telling myself I can stand it. Honest. I have many friends who witnessed my constant confusing struggle and confusing pain.

But trust me. I “got” it. And I am grateful for the experience. (Now that it has simmered down.)

I told him now that I was through the bulk of it, I was glad for the experience. But I had to tell him again…”I was in a lot of pain this whole year! Really, a lot. Like more than I think you knew".

He said he knew I was in a lot of pain.

Me…"Is it okay if I am a little mad at you?”

Him…."Yes”.

Today? Of course it's gone. I have nothing but love and gratitude.

Kristopher told me I have been fun to work with. Translation: My craziness has entertained him.